They rarely spoke, both avoiding the other at all cost, but when the wizard awoke the next night, his heart broke at the sight before him. Sometime after he fell asleep, the couple had moved closer to each other and were now sleeping side by side. They were facing the other, their bodies so close he was sure they could feel the warmth and he couldn't help but notice the expression on their faces. They were calm and relaxed, their bodies matching completely and the hint of the smile that tugged on their lips made him wish there was something more he could do.
He knew the couple was struggling, but he couldn't keep himself from wondering if this was a mercy. If they had the life they dreamed of, one with each other, they would be destroyed. Richard would lose his soul and Kahlan would kill herself just to release him, resulting in a far worse fate. Shaking his head, the older man tried to rid his mind of the thoughts and begin his watch, nodding to the Mord'Sith who was leaning against one of the trees. He wondered if she saw anything, if she could tell him how their friends arrived in their new position and who had made the first move. Kahlan let out a soft moan, one that called everyone's attention, but it didn't wake them. Her body shook and her head jerked, her mind trapped in a nightmare. Richard responded instantly, his body inching to hers until she was in his arms and she went willingly, quieting down at once.
The others waited for her to open her eyes and hurry away, the way she had done many times during one of their watches, but she didn't. To their surprise, she pulled herself closer as though it was the only way to live and then released a long breath. It was there she felt safe, but it could not go on. In four days they would be close enough to Aydindril for a detour and once she was there, taking a mate would be priority. The council had had perfect timing in the matter, having sent word only days after she had come to the decision and having the order made it easier. She didn't want to, of course, but when she told the man beside her, it would be because she was ordered to and not to destroy herself in his eyes.
She believed that once she took a mate, Richard would lose interest and they could continue on, but she knew better. This would destroy everything they had built, their friendship included and though it pained her more than she thought possible, it was worth his existence. When morning came, she was to tell him of her plans and accept any consequences her words may have. Tonight, she reasoned with herself, was the last one to spend as she wanted, beside him.
Richard was the last to wake up, rubbing his face with his hands before fully opening his eyes. He could smell her on him, the honey and lavender she always seemed to smell of, lingering from their close night. He tried not to show his disappointment as he sat forward, wishing he was able to roll over and watch her sleep. Their eyes met briefly as he crossed his legs, both darting them away as though it burned. This was the moment she had been dreading and if the others hadn't been with them, she wasn't sure she would be able to do it.
"We will be passing Aydindril," she mentioned casually. "I will need to stay for a few days."
Richard's head snapped in her direction and gave no effort to hide his emotions. His hand now held the hold of his sword and the anger within was more than visible. She knew he would piece it together, he always did, but she had hoped it would take him a few moments longer.
"You're just going to take some man to your bed?!" he half shouted as he came to his feet. He was fighting his own words, the wrath of the sword, but it was no use. "You are going to force a man to lay above you?"
To everyone's surprise, Kahlan remained still, her eyes locked on his. "He will be confessed," she replied quietly. "He will do anything I ask him to."
"So would I!"
She swallowed and came to her feet, the straps of her travel pack gripped tightly in her hands. "But I cannot have you."
"Liar," he spat instantly. "You can have anything you want."
Nodding, she blinked back her tears, refusing to let him see. "Except for you. Pack your things, we need to get moving."
He began instantly, his mind never questioning anything she said to him. The sword hissed at him, urging him to stop and make her listen, but he didn't pay any attention.
When he finished, he began walking after her, holding his eyes on her back with each step. She was beautiful, every inch of her and the way she walked, the grace and strength... He hated the thought of anyone else seeing it too. He could imagine her with another man, any man and it pained him to think that he would experience a piece of her that he would never be able to. He wanted to hear his name on her lips while her nails dug into his skin, a quiet direction given in the heat of passion that would send her higher and cause her breath to stop as she fell.
Pushing the thought from his mind, he continued after her in the hopes that in the middle of one of his steps, he would figure it all out. There had to be a way, he told himself silently. If not to have her for himself, then to keep her from anyone else.
'She wants it,' his mind whispered. 'She is the Mother Confessor, she could have declined the order. No one gives her orders. She wants him, anyone.' His pace began to slow with each thought, his mind spinning in every direction. 'Take her,' it urged him softly. 'She has no magic. No one will get hurt. Take her. Now.' Licking his lips, he choked back the urge to call her name and bring her to a stop. If she slowed now, he could have her pinned against a tree before she could blink. 'Do it. Feel her against you. She's never been with a man before,' his mind snickered. 'Imagine what you can give her.'
"Nothing," he told himself aloud. "I have nothing she needs."
'Wants and needs are not the same thing.'
"Hers are," he reasoned. "She wants what the world needs her to do."
'She wants a man to give her a child.'
"Not me."
"Richard?" Zedd asked as he turned around. "Are you alright?"
"Fine," he lied at once. "Thinking."
"Out loud?"
"It's important." Giving a swift smile, he shrugged. "I didn't realize I was speaking."
He was beside him now, both walking slow in comparison to the women ahead of them. "I know this is difficult for you," Zedd said as he tried to ease the younger man's mind. "This did not come easily to her either."
"But she is going to do it."
"She must. Richard, she is the last Confessor and who knows how long she will live? She must bare a child, many children to ensure the survival of her kind. It may be difficult, but this is the way it must be, the way it has always been. As Mother Confessor- We both know Kahlan; she would do anything for her people to keep them safe. She cares more about them than herself, she will not hesitate to do what she must to aid them."
"She doesn't need to- I'll keep her safe, Zedd. She doesn't need to-"
"She will not take you as her mate, Richard. She loves you. She would never risk everything you are for a night with you." Seeing the expression on his grandson's face, the wizard sighed. "It's not that she believes it would not be worth it, I believe the thought remains in her mind, even now, but because after that one night, the moment her magic released, you would be gone and she would never feel your love again."
"I would still love her."
"Not freely. When a Confessor takes a mate, there is no love, not for her. She cannot take it from you, not something so important."
"She wouldn't take it," he replied softly. "I'd give it to her. Whoever he is, the man she chooses, why is it so different for her to do this to him and not me? I am willing where he is forced."
"She will not choose at random from the street, Richard. She is too kind for that. The man she chooses, we know, he will be in need of a second chance and by giving her a child, raising her, it will be given to him."
"She deserves more," he whispered into the wind.
"Yes, but it is all she can have. She will not take a man out of love or spite, she will take one who will learn from his time with her and when he is released, he will be better for it."
Shaking his head, Richard pushed his fingers through his hair, moving the stray strands out of his eyes. "I don't want her to do this."
"None of us do, but it is not our choice. We cannot fully understand as she does and it is not our opinions she needs, it's-"
"Her friends."
"Talk to her," he encouraged softly, his eyes coming to the sword. "Tonight, leave that with me, anger will not help either of you."
"It never does."
Kahlan was laying on her bedroll in silence, listening to the sounds of the forest that had become entirely comforting. Staring up, she tried to envision the parts of the sky that were hidden by the tree branches. It was lighter than usual around them, the moon seeming to be generous and in a good mood. The last time she had spent so long looking up at the sky, she had been laying beside Richard, pointing up to show him her favorite one, a single star that was only visible for a few weeks of the year. She smiled as she remembered his response, the way he chuckled and told her that it couldn't have been her favorite because he had claimed it years before. After a short, playful fight, he was laying nearly above her with his lips covering hers, a battle neither hated to lose.
She could almost taste him as she ran her tongue over her lips. He had eaten a honey biscuit with a handful of berries and she soaked in the flavor as his tongue danced with hers. Shaking the thought from her mind, she swallowed and closed her eyes, doing her best not to imagine him against her. She wanted nothing more.
"What are you thinking about?"
She didn't open her eyes as he settled down beside her, partly afraid that she would melt when she saw him. "Impossible things."
"Snow in the summer time?"
Grinning, she turned her head in his direction. "That's not impossible. A wizard can do anything."
"Zedd sharing his food? That must be it," he answered himself swiftly. "I agree, it is impossible."
"He does enjoy his food." Bringing her eyes back to the sky, she let her smile falter. "I wasn't thinking about that, though."
"What-"
"I was thinking about that night we stayed up talking about the stars."
"While Zedd snored," he added softly.
"Mmmhmm."
"Would it be alright if I asked you something?"
"If it's alright if I do not answer."
"What will it be like?"
She didn't have to ask him what he was talking about, she knew very well. "I don't know," she answered softly. "I was a child when I was in the palace at the time a Confessor took a mate. I don't remember very much about it, but I assume I- I can only imagine what it will be like."
"What do you remember?"
"A few things. Carol was sixteen, excited and I remember the way the other Confessors spoke to her, like it was all a big secret. Whispers were all over the palace, rumors on who she had chosen and why... The day it was to happen, my mother brought me with her to one of her confessions. She said that I had plenty of time to learn what would happen to me." Turning her head toward him, she met his eyes. "I never thought I would live this long."
He could feel his heart pounding in his throat, a part of him wanting to ask more questions, while the other wanted to show her what to expect. He wasn't sure either of them were the right thing to do. "What about now?"
She gave a soft laugh as she shook her head. "I don't think you're going to let me die in the next day."
"Never," he replied before he could stop himself.
Returning her eyes to the sky, she frowned. "It's been done this way since the beginning of time, but I can't help but wonder if any of them ever felt the way I do. I want so badly to be able to talk to one of them, anyone and ask everything I've always wondered, but... If I do this, I won't be alone anymore." She was quiet for a moment and he could see her mind spinning, trying to figure things out. "It's selfish of me to say that, isn't it?" He said nothing, though she didn't give him very long to reply. "I've always wanted children, but before it was for different reason and now... I keep thinking that if I am the last Confessor, what will become of us? I don't want us to be forgotten."
"No one will ever forget you, any of you. You have done too much for your people."
"Not enough," she said quietly. "You," she added as she looked over to him, "people will remember you."
"Because I am the brother of Darken Rahl."
"Because you saved everyone. You're the Seeker; the most important one. It is because of you, the world continues on and when you seal the rifts-"
"The world will know I did it with you at my side."
"They will know they are safe with you."
"No more than they are with you."
Blinking, she stared up at the stars. "That is where it all changes. My magic is not something people think lightly of. I am dangerous and they know it. No matter how hard I try to protect them, there is always a chance I will become what they fear. It's not uncommon for Confessors to turn on their people or have different views. When I went to find another for you, Lara... Even Confessors crave more power."
"You don't," he said factually. "You'd never do anything like that."
"I am not sure that I wouldn't. There are times when I- When I'm in the ConDar, the way it feels- The strength of it... I feel invincible and there are times, more than I can admit, when I wish I could stay that way. The instincts to become more, to live, they are heightened and I don't care who I hurt if I survive. There is a darkness within me and I think the people can see it."
"I don't."
"You're not looking."
"Not anymore," he admitted softly. "Kahlan, before- When I first met you, I tried so hard to find something wrong with you, a part that you didn't want anyone to know you had..." She looked at him in confusion, partly glad for his admission. "I looked for months and found nothing."
Kahlan rolled onto her side and brought her right hand to his cheek. The warmth shot through them, calming the fierce beat of their hearts. "I don't know how you exist."
"Me either," he teased through a whisper. He was watching her carefully, seeing the same dilemma in her eyes that he felt within himself. It shouldn't have surprised him, but it did. Sometime during the day, he had made himself believe that she no longer cared for him, at least, not in the way he wanted her to. "I'm sorry that you have to do it," he managed to say after a long moment.
Nodding, she pulled back her hand and sighed, "Me too." Returning to her back, Kahlan closed her eyes. "I keep wondering about Dennee and how she felt about this. She- She never told me that she was considering taking a mate."
"Would it have changed anything?"
"No," she replied instantly. "But things were different then. I think- I can't help but want to believe that she didn't tell me because she knew that I would do the same to keep her from doing it alone. She probably spent months thinking; planning it all. There were only a few of us left and she... You would have liked her," she said suddenly. "In a lot of ways, she was like you."
"From the time I spent with her, she was like you." His hand was suddenly laying on her stomach, feeling her every breath. "She loved you, Kahlan and she wouldn't blame you for what happened."
"No," she agreed as she turned her head and looked into his eyes. "But it doesn't mean it wasn't my fault." Licking her lips, she fought the urge to run away. She could never explain what he did to her, the way he always managed to pull her secrets out of her mouth and into the air. "She was stronger than me. I am the one who should have died, not her."
"You can't believe that."
Holding his gaze, she remained still and hoped that at any moment she would awaken and see that this was a dream. "This wouldn't be hard for her."
"That doesn't mean that it should be her here instead of you. This shouldn't be easy for anyone and I am certain that if Dennee were here, she would be feeling the same way."
"You think she'd be afraid of destroying you, too?"
Richard smiled widely, his hand slowly moving higher in her stomach. "No, she'd be pacing while she tried to think about what you would do."
"And what would you be doing?"
"Eating with Zedd," he teased softly. "I don't know, I think I would be trying to help her. This would be when I knew she needed me."
Turning to face him once again, she brought her hand to his chest. "And if I needed something more?"
Her face was close to his and with a single move, he could connect their lips and from the look in her eyes and sound of her voice, he knew that she wanted him to. She was testing him, he thought to himself quickly. Shutting off his mind, he held still and and gave a small smile. "I'm in love with your sister," he answered after what felt to he an eternity, keeping the game going for just another minute. If it had been Dennee before him, he knew that his heart wouldn't be pressed against his skin and beating so fast that he thought he would throw it up onto her.
"You don't know her," she said at once. If she was to be her sister, she knew that he never would have spent time with her, his feelings never growing and a part of her was curious as to where this would lead them.
"Don't I?"
"No. She's dead."
"She's right here," he told her.
Shaking her head, she raised an eyebrow the way she did when she was about to do something unexpected. "I can take you," she said in a voice that made his body jerk beside her. "I have no feelings for you, it would mean nothing to watch you become my slave."
"If it would please you."
"You couldn't stop me," she continued as though he hadn't spoken. She felt brave without her magic; without the tingling in her fingertips each time she touched him. "No one could."
"I wouldn't want them to."
His words surprised her, almost painfully as she reminded herself that they were pretending she was her sister. "Why not?"
"Because you shouldn't know the feeling of being with a stranger."
Her body quaked with his words as she held his eyes. He meant every word and there was no fear in his eyes. She wondered, for a moment, what it would be like to have a stranger enter her bedroom and empty himself within her, then she imagined the man before her. His words made sense to her and in an instant, she spoke. "Touch me."
"No," he said before she could take in a breath. When he saw the hurt and confusion on her face, he licked his lips and hurried to continue. "Not until you're you again." She remained still and said nothing, watching him as though we expected him to change his mind. "End the game and I'm yours."
"Richard?" She hadn't meant it as a question, more like a declaration that she had done what he asked, but as herself once more, she felt lost and afraid.
"What do you want me to do?" he asked in a hushed tone.
Her breathing had increased and she fought her mind at every turn, but she had said it before and they both knew that if she didn't say it again, they would roll over and go to sleep. Swallowing, she let her eyes trace his lips and suddenly she spoke, "Touch me."
His hand moved slowly over her side, coming to her back to draw her closer. It was difficult for him to move without the rush he felt inside, but he was almost certain that she would change her mind at any moment. He wanted to kiss her, but he didn't want it to spark something in her mind and bring her to stop him. From the way she looked at him, he knew what she wanted, but it couldn't be what she needed. His body screamed for him to rip open her dress and claim her as his, to roll onto her and never come up for air and with her so close, it was nearly impossible not to listen.
His hand snaked over her back, moving lower until it reached her bottom, where he used their position to her benefit. Lifting her leg, he pushed his against her, letting it settle between hers as he inched closer. He was about to tell her that she could stop him when she closed the distance between them and connected their lips. It was more than a surprise, but he didn't stop her, he couldn't.
There was something in her kiss that made him hesitate, a difference he was sure he shouldn't feel. She wasn't holding back like she usually did and he liked it. He always knew this part of her existed within, hidden away in fear, but now that her magic was gone, she had nothing to be afraid of. Her body moved instinctively, trying to obtain something she didn't know she wanted and he hurried to respond.
This was his chance, he told himself between kisses. If she was to lay with another man in a days time, he would show her what it would be like, no, he corrected himself as he rolled onto her. He would show her how it should be.
Breaking their kiss, he pulled his head back and waited for her to open her eyes. "Come with me," he said breathlessly as he began moving away from her. From the look on her face, she was in no position to argue with her body now desperate for more. "We can't do this beside them," he added in a rushed sentence as he watched her mind begin to question it all.
He reached for her hand and though she looked like she wasn't sure, she took it without hesitation and allowed him to help her to her feet. They nearly ran into the trees, Kahlan following his lead until he suddenly stopped and turned around. As their chests collided, he reconnected their lips, pushing into her with each kiss. He had her pinned against a tree within a heartbeat and instantly began lifting her dress. Her head pushed back against the bark of the tree, granting his lips full access to her neck with a soft moan.
He wondered if he could take her, if he could have her for the night and be claimed as hers. The consequences, whatever they may be, meant nothing to him, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it would harm her. She had given her word that she would take a mate, but she never said who he would be. No, he thought instantly, she would not approve of his thoughts, she wasn't the type of woman who would find a hole in the law, in her word. She would take a mate.
Pulling his lips from her skin, he met her heated eyes and panted, "This is about you. Whatever you need, Kahlan..." Pushing in closer, he swallowed. "Make sure he knows and that he touches you like this..." His hands ran up her legs and over her thighs, slowing as he circled the insides. Her eyes closed, relishing the feeling, the gentle pleasure that shot through her core at his touch. "You have to be ready for him," he whispered into the night's air. Kissing her again, he moved his hands higher, coming to a place she had only dreamed of him touching. He was so close to where she wanted him, but no matter how she rocked, he didn't move. "When he takes you," he said in a voice that brought her eyes to open, "don't let him rush into it, it will only hurt you more."
His fingers brushed against her and a series of emotions crossed her face, her body jerking away and forward at the same time. "Hold him still," he instructed and she acted instantly, grabbing his shoulders to hold his arms in place. She was staring into his eyes and tasting her heart, a pounding so intense, she feared she would fall over dead. "Let your body accept him and roll your hips, slowly." She did as he said and instantly released a long moan. Biting her lower lip, she fought to keep her eyes open, to hold his and not give in. "This is about you," he repeated. "What do you need? Don't tell him, act on it."
He watched as she played with the dilemma within, hoping for any outcome other than her shoving him away. She moved so slowly at first, he wasn't sure she had. Her hips shifted against the tree, changing the angle between them until she could take no more and paused. He waited patiently, his curiosity and arousal from the action holding him steady. With a single tug on his shoulder, she encouraged him to move his hand. Releasing her lip, she tightened her legs around his waist and pulled him closer, almost making it impossible for him to continue between them.
"He will be bigger than this," he said softly, confusing her for a moment until her mind circled the thought. "If you move too quickly..."
She nodded slowly and loosened her hold on him. Swallowing back her fear, she opened her mouth, pausing for a moment as she hoped he wouldn't laugh at her. "What do I do?"
He smiled, not one of mocking like she expected, but a genuine one that held her eyes. "Whatever you like." His smile widened as she stared blankly at him, confused. "Explore," he said in a whisper. "Let your body guide you."
Kahlan pulled on his arms, removing his hands from between them and brought them to the laces of her dress. "Is it wrong?" she questioned timidly.
Shaking his head, Richard pulled on the white strings, his eyes eagerly awaiting the downfall of the fabric. When he reached the point of no return, he paused as though giving her a chance to stop him, but she didn't. His breath stopped as she was revealed, the beauty of her being more than he imagined. She remained still, letting him stare to know what to do, wondering how he viewed her. Feeling brave, she suddenly pulled on his shirt, forcing his eyes off of her as he removed the blue cloth.
Once she was able, she pulled him against her, their chests crashing together instantly. Time slowed as he stepped closer, removing any and all space between their bodies, taking advantage of the lack of clothes. With a hard buck forward, he fought his needs as his pants grew painfully tighter. From the way her nails dug into the back of his shoulders, he knew she was in the same place. Both lost in the moment between passionate release and agony from failing to be connected. He wanted her to know what it felt like, to be the first man she laid with, but it wasn't something he could take from her.
Forcing himself back, he eased her down to the ground and licked his lips. He was about to explode, bringing him to do the only thing that he could. Unlacing his pants, he laid on his back and sucked in a deep breath of relief and pain. Holding his eyes closed, he tried to calm himself, tried to stop seeing her body before him. It was no use.
"Are you alright?" she asked in a voice that brought him to look at her. She was afraid, it was clearly written on her face, mixing with the concern. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No," he managed to pant. "You- Spirits..." Her eyes followed his hand as he rubbed it over the top of his pants, releasing a low growl as his head pushed into the ground.
Fascinated, she watched as his body jerked and he let out a heated whisper of her name. She was drawn forward, the need to touch him wild within and after a brief moment of hesitation she reached forward. Though her eyes were on his manhood, she took hold of his hand, bringing his eyes to her face. His body tensed at the expression on her face, the mix of emotions that seemed to seep out of her and into him. She had yet to bring her eyes off of him, making him grow more embarrassed than he thought possible.
Doing the only thing he could think of, he pulled her down to him and rolled onto his side. Her chest was pressed against his, his body still jerking occasionally.
"Is that what it's like?" she whispered into his neck.
"It's close."
Licking her lips, she tried to stop thinking about what she had done and seen, but it was no use. Latching her mind on the thoughts, she let it fuel her already wild desire and decided to be brave. This would be the only time she would experience anything like other women, a night lost in passion with the man she loved.
"I don't want it to be close," she replied as she rocked herself forward.
If he told the story of this night, he would swear that his heart stopped. It was more than the anticipation within him, surpassing the desire and passion in her voice. The look in her eyes held him firmly in a way only hers could, but it was filled with something more. He felt like he was seeing her before him for the first time, naked and bare, pure and innocent, excited and afraid. Afraid of what? His mind questioned as it came to thought. You? 'No,' he told himself instantly. 'Herself.' Laying beside him was a woman who was never aloud to go for what she wanted, to have someone be close and make her feel the passion within her. That is what she is afraid of. She's scared of her own feelings.
"Kahlan-"
"I know that I am promised to another, but-" She stopped herself and looked away, the reality of the situation settling upon her. Rolling onto her back, she closed her eyes and quickly pulled her dress to cover herself. No one had ever seen her this way, touched her, mostly at all, but definitely not in the way he had. She was to be with another man and here she was, asking him to help her destroy her promise. "I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean to-"
"It's alright to get carried away, Kahlan. You're allowed to feel this way."
"No I'm not. I- Richard, I'm a Confessor. We do not love anyone."
"Yes you are," he agreed quietly. "But you do and it's not just me that you love."
"Zedd doesn't count," she said just as soft.
"Don't let him hear you say that," he chuckled. "It's alright to care about people, Kahlan. Even as a Confessor."
"We should go back, they are going to come looking for us."
"Probably," he told her as she sat forward and began fixing her dress. "It doesn't make you weak, Kahlan. Caring about people, loving them, it makes you stronger. It's hard to care as much as you do."
"Maybe that's why it's frowned upon."
He laughed, hard, bringing her to turn and look at him. "It's not frowned upon in my land," he told her with a grin. "If you stay with me, you'll fit right in." She started to speak, but he sat forward and continued before she could. "You may stand out a little bit, though. You're much prettier than the others." Holding his smile firmly, he leaned closer to her, bringing his mouth to her neck for a quick kiss. "They have big teeth and hideous noses..."
"Like yours?" she teased as her head fell to the side to give him better access.
"Bigger. It's frightening."
When he pulled back to shift his body, he wished he hadn't as she turned to look at him, making nearly impossible for him to return his lips to her skin. "You're not afraid of anything."
"There are a few things that scare me."
"A spider on your shoulder?" she asked as her eyes moved to his right shoulder. She stared at the skin for a moment, waiting for the brief moment he hurried to brush of the nonexistent bug. He didn't move.
"No, I'm bigger than the spider."
"It's poisonous."
"If it was, you would have already thrown yourself between us to protect me." His smile suddenly faded and he found his mind settling on a previous thought. "Are you sure you have to- I know why- Does it have to be tomorrow?"
Kahlan nodded slowly, her eyes falling to the ground as she sighed. "If I don't do it now, it will only become harder."
He wanted to tell her that maybe that was a sign, that she felt this way because she was meant to be his, but he knew the words would do neither of them any good. "I think it will always be hard," he said quietly. "Loving someone isn't something you can just push aside."
"That is why Confessor's are not supposed to love." Finishing the lacing on her dress, she came to her feet and looked down at his sad features. "Thank you," she managed to say louder than a invisible whisper. "For tonight, I mean." Licking her lips, she turned her head away, hoping that the pain would stop when she looked at something else. "Thank you."
And then she was gone, leaving him half naked in the trees with his heart racing and full of pain.
