Edward was in his room, alone while his beloved wife went out to shop with his sisters, Alice and Rosalie. Bored out of his mind, he decided to indulge in a guilty pleasure he hadn't been allowed to enjoy ever since he and Bella united in holy matrimony. Smiling to himself, he reached under his bed. All the while, his mind searched for any sign of Alice and Rosalie, even though they had told him they wouldn't be back until later that night. Time away from his Bella used to make him completely distraught; now, it seemed like nothing. If he wanted to finish before she returned, he would have to work quickly.

He opened the cellophane wrapping. The cottage his mother had built for his wedding gift was so far away from the main Cullen mansion, away from prying ears, and Edward intended to take advantage of this privacy. He plucked a cheese-doodle out from the bag, looking at it with lust glazing his ocher eyes. The dairy snack tasted like dirt to him, but he didn't care about how it tasted

Slowly, prolonging the pleasure, he gently shoved the cheese-doodle into his right nostril, moaning as he felt the cheese granules scratch at his sensitive flesh inside his nose. His jeans tightened rather uncomfortably and he slipped off his belt. He gave a moan of relief as some of the pressure was taken off of him, the cheese-doodle still hanging from his nose.

Edward thrust the snack in and out of his nostril, gasping as it scraped the inside skin. His other hand went to unbutton and unzip his pant. Throwing them off his body left him in just his shirt and boxers, which were now tenting noticeably. He took off his shirt, taking care not to crush the precious cheese-doodle in his haste. In his impatience, he tore off his boxers, letting the shreds fall to floor. Satisfied with his current state of nudity, he lay back on his bed with the cellophane bag next to him for easy access.

Grabbing himself with one hand, he took another cheese-doodle and shoved it roughly into his left nostril to match his right nasal orfice, moaning louder than he ever had as it scratched him. The delightful, sensual scent of cheese filled his head. Now he was groaning from the pleasure-pain. "Oh, cheese-doodles, you satisfy me more than Bella ever could!" he roared happily, giving into his animalistic nature.

"What was that?" An all too familiar voice, like wind chimes, broke Edward's tortured string of moans and gasps. "Are you having fun with cheese-doodles again, Edward?"

"O-Of course not, love," Edward stammered, completely aware that he was naked with cheese-doodles protruding from both nostrils. "What are you doing home so early?"

"I was planning on surprising you," Bella explained in a dead-pan voice, taking off the trench coat she was wearing to reveal the lacy blue lingerie underneath. "Rosalie said you'd be all over me once I came home."

His eyes widened at his beautiful wife in the amazing lingerie. "Oh, Bella…come here…" he managed to croak out at last. Edward felt as though he was going to come just from her body alone. And the scent of cheese filling his nose.

If looks could kill, Edward would have been beyond dead. He wouldn't even have existed in an afterlife. "Only if you get rid of the snacks."

"But Bella, love," Edward crooned, "I've been doing this ever since cheese-doodles had been invented, and, well, old habits die hard."

"You've managed very well for the past five months," she shot back as she folded her arms in front of her chest. "Or have you been faking it?" Butterscotch eyes stared into his, in a futile attempt to figure out what was going on in his mind.

"No!" His mouth dropped in shock. "No, you're amazing, Bella! Please, let me indulge this once…"

She thought it over while chewing her lip in thought. "Very well…Just. This. Once," she growled before stripping out of her undergarments. She crossed over to Edward and closed her eyes in disgust before lowering herself onto him, her back to him so she wouldn't have to see him.

Edward groaned in pleasure. The sensations from the cheese doodles up his nose made him think he was surely going to die from the ecstasy. He grabbed Bella's hips to thrust up against her as she rode him, creating a perfect rhythm as he drove deeper and harder inside of her. His head was thrown back in pleasure, and he let out a sharp gasp as he felt his release become imminent.

"Bella!" He roared as his orgasm overtook him. "Oh, love! You're so amazing!" With that, he slumped back to the bed, gasping for air. "Bella…"

She dismounted from her husband and plucked the cheese doodles from his nose. Disgust was etched onto her face. "Really, Edward? If I were still human, I swear I'd be running back to Jacob right now."

"He's in on this, too," Edward smirked. "We used to do this together."

Bella blinked in shock for a few minutes before running away to the cliffs to scream her loudest in horror. She was never seen again.

He frowned quizzically. "Was it something I said?"