***Small Steps****.

"Kids, I know I've always told you that you can be anything you want to be, but if I can make one recommendation, stay away from TV News. I know Aunt Robin makes it look all cool and glamorous, but it wasn't always that way."

"George Burns was right; television is a miserable bitch goddess." Robin said as she let Lilly into Ted's apartment. She still thought of it as Ted's apartment, not their apartment, and sure as hell not home.

"I don't think George Burns actually said that, I think it was just a punch line on the Simpsons." Lilly said, a half-hearted smile on her face. Clearly, it was going to be one of those afternoons with Robin.

"Well, whoever said it was right."

"I take it the interview at Channel 4 didn't go great?"

"They wanted me to do traffic reports from Chopper 4."

"Didn't Chopper 4 crash?"

"They got a new one." Robin threw herself on the couch. "But that's not the point. I was a lead anchor, going back to traffic reports would be like President Bush running for dog catcher when his term is up."

Lilly sat down next to her friend and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Oh, Robin. . . No one would vote for him for dog catcher."

Robin laughed a little at that, and Lilly smiled, it was good to see her friend laugh, even if it was at the small things. "So, got any other leads?"

Robin grabbed the want ads off the coffee table, "Nothing on camera. News 12 is hiring an associate producer, and a friend from Metro News One says she might be able to get me an interview for a teaching position at Queens College."

"Hey, that's great!" Lilly said, trying to sound enthusiastic without sounding fake.

"We'll see."

Uncomfortable silence settled over them for a moment, and Lilly, with her usual careful touch broke it. "So, how's the sex with Ted going?"

"Lilly!"

"Oh, come on. We all know. It's not like we're blind, and you two, not all that big with the subtlety. Last night you two left in an awfully big hurry for two people whose only plans involved 'watching a western'." Lilly made sarcastic air quotes around the last three words as she spoke them.

"Crap," Robin said, turning several shades of red in the process. "Now we're going to need a new code word."

"Robin! What are you doing?!?"

"I don't know! My life is really screwed up right now and sleeping with Barney is the only thing that makes sense. And maybe it's not healthy, maybe I'm using him and I'll feel guilty about it later, maybe he's using me, but for right now I don't care!"

For a few seconds Lilly just looked at her. Robin hoped Lilly would just be silent and let the issue drop, frankly, she was in no mood for one of her friend's kindergarten style lectures. What Lilly said when she finally spoke, it wasn't what Robin expected.

"You meant to say Ted."

"Huh?"

"You said 'sleeping with Barney is the only thing that makes sense'… You meant to say Ted, but you said Barney."

Robin blinked nineteen times before answering. This was a Freudian slip of such epic proportions, that her response would have to be surgically precise in order to save face. . . "Nuh-uh."

"Kids, while your Aunt Lilly was having fun watching Robin's tenuous grip on reality slip, your Uncle Barney was having a confrontation of his own."

"You have got to be kidding me!" Barney yelled into his iPhone.

"Hey, Barn, where you at?" Stuart asked on the other end of the line, Barney swore he could here the little bastard smiling.

"You know where I am. I'm at 7 West 55th Street."

"Oh, you mean 5th Avenue Presbyterian? Oh yeah, I forgot that's where I sent you."

"What is it with you twelve steppers and churches? Why can't you ever meet at a strip club or a bingo hall?"

Stuart chuckled. Barney was going to kill Stuart, that's all there was too it. He was going to kill him and then seduce his widow, and if Stuart was very lucky, he'd do it in that order. "Relax," Stuart said, "You're not going to a meeting. You're here for your next step. In fact, look on the bright side, this is one is a two-for."

"Go on."

"Step 2: You must believe that a power greater then you can restore your sanity."

"I thought you said this was a two-for?"

"Let me finish. Step 3: You must decide to turn your will and your life over to that power, Barney."

Stuart heard Barney give a resigned sigh on the other end of the phone. "What do I do?"

"Go pray."

"Yeah, right, the only time I pray is if a condom breaks. Phone five!"

Stuart did not phone five. "Go pray, Barney. Call me when you're done." With that, Stuart hung up.

Barney pocketed his iPhone and straightened his tie. He made his way into the church and knelt down in one of the pews.

"Hey, what up, G? It's me, the Barnacle. I guess I never got around to saying thanks for the last time, so, uh, thanks for doing me a solid, Bro. Anyway. . . You know why I'm here. I, uh, need your help again. It's Robin, you know, you made her. . . And she is some of your best work by the way. Her boobs alone. . . But, my point, is that I don't know if you sent her here to test me, or as a punishment, or what, but she's ruining my life, and I can't seem to do anything about it. I can't be with her. . . And I hate who I am now without her. . . So I need your help, big guy. Please just make it stop. . . Okay, well, that's all I got. Stay awesome up there. . . Oh, and nice work on her ass too."

"Little did your Uncle Barney know that at that very moment, Robin was saying a prayer of her own."

"Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God." Robin's head was in her hands and a half a bottle of wine was sitting on the floor. She'd been going on like this for a good ten minutes now.

"So," Lilly said, in her best patient kindergarten teacher voice, "I just want to review. . . You slept with Barney six months ago."

"Yes."

"And you've had feelings for him ever since."

"That is correct."

"But rather then act on it, you instead moved to Japan."

"Also true."

"And now that you're back, you're not only living with Barney's best friend, but are sleeping with said best friend who also happens to be your ex-boyfriend as well."

"Bingo!"

"Well, I think I know how to get you back on camera. Would you prefer Maury or Springer?"

"Lilly! This is serious."

Lilly poured herself another glass of wine, so what if it was only four-thirty in the afternoon? "I'll say it is. Okay, using my gag reflex for a moment here, can I ask you the obvious question? If you want to be with Barney, why aren't you?"

"Oh, please Lil. This is Barney Stinson we're talking about. What I'm feh. . . What I'm fee. . . What I'm going through in regards to him. . ."

"Feelings. They're called feelings."

"It's like having feelings for a tank of piranhas wearing a suit. . . It's self-destructive and acting on them could only screw things up worse. I just need some time to help me get over them."

"And boning Ted, that's helping you get over them?"

"I'm going with yes. Yes, it is."

Lilly got up off the couch and grabbed her purse. "Okay, good luck with that. But when this all blows up, two people I care deeply about. . . and Barney, are going to end up very hurt. I want you to think about that, young lady."

"We're the same age." Was the entire weak defense that Robin could muster.

"Oh and there's something I think you should know about that tank of piranhas. He told me that he lo-" Just then the door to the apartment opened, and entered Ted Mosby, architect, and unsuspecting rebound guy.

"Kids, if I had gotten home two, maybe three seconds later, things might have been a lot easier. Instead, your Aunt Lilly was forced to do some very fast thinking."

"-oks like rain. I better head home and get my umbrella. Hey, Ted."

"Hey, Lilly."

Lilly bolted out the door as fast as she could, and Ted closed it behind her.

"Hey," he said to Robin, doing his best seductive voice, which really wasn't all that seductive but never failed to make her laugh. "Fancy meeting you here."

It never failed to make Robin laugh, except this time. This time it failed. "Hey, Ted, I gotta go, I'll see you at the bar later."