(Note: review responses at bottom)

Pre-note: Sorry for being so damned late! I just never got the time to write. Whoops. I'm thinking of a double-update or something soon to make up for it; maybe a prompt or something, because I freakin' love writing.

Hey, ladies and gentlemen! Miss me? Of course you did! I'm freaking Jesus! Now, for this guide from Hell, I'm going to take down the weak link. Or take the easy target.

However the hell you word that. Fucking idioms.

*Ahem*

Now, sit down and make yourself comfortable. This lovely white-coated man would like to ask you a few questions.

Questions.. about Mary-Sues.

First things first: I am going to give examples. This will be longer then... er, I'll spare you the bad joke.

The following will be what we discuss in this chapter:

What is a Sue?

How do I stop one?

Are they domesticated?

The Trends of a Sue

Sue vs. Suethor

FUCKING SUETHORS ASDFGHJKL;

There is a 50% chance I'm forgetting at least 4 things on this list

Section 1 of 69: What is a Sue?

Now, before you bash me on the head for thinking you're an idiot and not knowing what a Mary Sue is, they are NOT always Sparkle-Sparkle-desu-desu-Edo-kun-I-love-you-have-my-babies-I'm-a-state-alchemist-I'm-fucking-beautiful.

Allow me to explain. A Mary Sue is simply an unrealistic character. Normally a self-insert, but not all self-inserts are Mary Sues. Now, I've found it easy to categorize the FMA Sues. I found that all the Mary-Sues I have seen fall under one of the following categories.

The Ed-with-tits Sue:

This breed of Mary Sue is often found in the depths of Central HQ, or wherever Edward Elric is. It is confirmed to almost always be a State Alchemist and may or may not transmute w/o a circle. Normally the lover of Edward, or on rare occasions Alphonse, it is a dangerous subject and excels at Alchemy. Approach with caution, or else the Suethor will use her Desu powers to beat you. Tends to have affairs with Envy. Basically, it has all of Ed's traits, or is a long-lost-sibling of Edward (because no one likes Alphonse) and is exactly like him and they forget Al is part of the Elric family. Almost always has a tragic past.

The Catatonic Sue:

This rare breed is kind, lovable, generous, and probably smart. Has the most Desutastic name in the universe. Ed was likely assigned to guard them for some ungodly reason by Mustang for a plot device. At first, she is harmless and can't hurt a fly. Can't fight and Ed probably is madly in love. Sucks at Alchemy, and tries to fight, but can't. Is constantly captured. May, for some reason unknown to the protagonists, be targeted by the Homunculi. Also may have strange marking(s) or sudden change in eye color when angry. This is because of her magic powers. Once she's angry, she DYSTROYS EVERYTHING HARGLEBLARGHLEKSDA. Well, that's the jist of it. Always, ALWAYS an introvert. Has the worst/best possible luck in the world, but always manages to get out without a scratch to bear witness after discharged from the hospital for a fatal wound for no reason.

The Emo Sue:

Tough, stubborn, and easily angered. Angst is rampant. Has a horrible past, and when people find out, they automatically forgive them for their horrible behavior, because, you know, they've had such a HORRIBUU LYFE. May be an amazing fighter. There's really not much to say about this subject, It seems to do nothing but angst.

The Plain Sue

Some random chick, with no special features or quirks, that Ed picks up because she's speshul. Probably from our world, but maybe not. If she is, she is a total fucking buff about FMA, and tries so hard to keep her secret. But, oh noes! They found out! Is she in deep shit? Of course not! Everyone loves her because she's bloody plain. Seriously, nothing about her is special. Average looking, average in everything. Although I'd have though this to be a decent thing, it's unnecessarily boring and dreary to sit through how she's 'so average' and 'oh no why herrrrr'. However, much like the Catatonic Sue, she actually is very important. Everyone loves her. Blah blah.

Section 2 of 666: Why is a Mary Sue Bad, Anyway?

The main reason people make these characters is because they're so great, right? What's wrong with being amazing? People in real life are all the time!

Well, here's why:

People, no matter how amazing they seem, have something dark about them that balances it out. Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a bloody brilliant man. Isn't he unbalanced? He got an amazing education to get where he is now, and-

No. No, Albert Einstein dropped out of school. He had to work the balls off of himself to get where he did. He didn't wake up to a huge mansion, surrounded by private tutors and maids, making those around him look like garbage. Why do you think that in all the pictures of him that you see in your textbooks, he's old? He wasn't calculating theories when he popped out of Momma Einstein. Plus, let's face it: He isn't too handsome. Not too many people of his time were flocking to him. And, well, he's just one example. Okay, back to what we were talking about.

Age is something extremely important with characters. It takes time to do things like that. Ed… Well, he got lucky. Papa HoHo decided to leave hundreds of years worth of Alchemy research that you can't find anywhere else (He helped fucking discover Alchemy, for Ishbala's sake), and c'mon… It's not even a nudge in the right direction for our protagonist. It's like Hoenheim was begging the poor kids to dig their nose into 'em. No one else has that kind of information. People get lucky sometimes… But it's balanced. Ed and Al got in waaaaay over their heads with the Homunculi. Plus, let's see if we can count the failures they've had. It. FUCKING. BALANCES. ARRRRRRRGH. *Ahem*

Mary Sues are bad because they directly defy freaking nature. Simple as that.

Section 3: Hey, Look, I'm Actually Doing Something on the Fucking List

AKA Sue vs. Suethor. What I mean, is that most Mary Sues come from a self insert. They're what the author is… but better. Maybe they got that A in Algebra you never got, or maybe your crush payed attention to them. Anything that makes your life seem a bit more interesting to yourself. Now, I for one have no problems with self-inserts. Hell, I write 'em all the time. I just don't like sharing them. I used to have a Mary-Sue-Self-Insert (Let's call 'em Sueserts for now) that was pretty much me with crazy hair and skinnier. And contacts; red-colored ones. Anyways, the problem isn't in that she's based off of me. The problem is that I decided I wasn't "good enough" or something, so I edited "Brittany" and created "Ayano" (yes, Japanese name, I wanna kill myself) to seem like I was cooler. I guess I had low self-confidence. That, I think, it the problem with making characters, mostly Sueserts. People are so wrapped up in making the character a good person or better than themselves that they forget what's important in a character, which brings me to my next point...

Section I-Ran-Outta-Jokes: What Makes a Character 'Good', Anyway?

One thing, and only one thing, really makes a character interesting to people... and that's being able to relate to said character. Let's take a look at everyone's favorite golden-haired, shorter-than-you protagonist: Edward Elric!

He's a pretty interesting character (to me, at least) and that's because I can sympathize with some of the challenges he faces on his journey. Maybe not the metal-limb part, or the burning-down-your-house part (not yet, at least); However, I can see some of myself in Ed. A lot of people can, because he has faults and good points in himself. Let's break down some of Ed's basic character traits:

-Stubborn

-Short-tempered

-Smart

-Reliable

-Lonely

-Secretive

-Caring

-Awkward

-Bit of a nerd

These are just a few, but a lot of people have at least one of these traits. I tend to seem obnoxious and stubborn to most people; but I really just can't interact with people properly. I'm really lonely 'cause of that, and I tend to isolate myself because I hate to burden other people with my problems and cause them grief. I'm not short-tempered, reliable, or intelligent at all, but I don't have to be because I can feel Ed's emotional and social pains. I can see myself in him, and thus can watch his interactions and thoughts with a feel like I'm also involved with the story.

Now the problem with Sues is that they aren't relatable. At all. They just - I don't even – asdfghjkl;. They have traits like undeserved guilt and absolutely gaudy happiness and I just don't have any of that. Their sob story or absolutely perfect life – it's one or the other with them – is something I can't take. I've lived a pretty... crappy life compared to other people I know, but I have the choice of eating three meals a day and school and people who care about me. Now, this isn't to say that those particular backstories are character-breaking – Good Gods, never will they be – but with the fact that people in the situations are so happy and blah blah blah and generous and smiling and all that fluffy shit even though they have to, say, take a beating from their parents every once in a while – No one can take that and still be perfectly sane and cheery. Hell, even me, a middle-high class girl with a decent life... I'm on depression and mood stabilizer pills and without them I'm completely insane and angry. To be honest, a character has to be more than happy – or even more than a happy-facade and sad on the inside – They need to be defined as more than that, or else no one will relate to them.

Alright, that's it for now. You even got a slight look into my life, so yay. Anyways, I haven't slept in a few days so screw you all I'm sleeping.

Review Responses, Joy!

LeFay Strent: ASDFGHJKL LEFAY STRENT OH MY GOD. I LOVE YOU. ;A;

Sorry, I got a little, erm, unprofessional. Anyway, to get a good grip on Sues vs. Ocs, it'd be smart to address Sues in general. However, I'm probably going to wait on that a bit. But I will get to it!

SilenceShouting: No, actually! Ha ha ha! It's a song, a meme. It's a song I like personally, actually. Much like how I think Rickroll song is a good one. (RickRoll = Never Gonna Give You Up.) I'm not too big a fan of CollegeHumor, but some of their videos make me giggle. I'll be sure to look at them later, by the way. (evil laugh goes here)

Moonlit Water Sunny River: Yes. I will be sure to get to that ASAP! Mary-Sues are pretty basic, though, so I decided this would be a better start. I'm happy to hear you seek advice from this shit. :D

Maruki Shitoichi: To put it simply: *My famous awkward salute*

Couture Kitty: Thank-you. ;A; Ha ha. Yeah, I tend to make jokes that I don't know people would find offensive. Don't take my insults personally, people... because I sure as hell don't.

Sam: Shhhh, go away Sam. You were talking to me on Skype when you typed this up, ya wanker.

Question of the Day:

If you were a fiction character, do you think YOU would be considered a Sue?

Leave it in the review!

Post-note: Sorry for any formatting errors; OpenOffice was drunk or something, and I couldn't get it to cooperate. I'm just going to type the next chapter in Word and then paste it next time.