Hello!
Here's the next instalment. I'm writing this as I post so I'm sorry for the wait. I'm hoping to get a new chapter out every week. If I have more time then possibly more than that. Let me know what you think. I might have gone in a direction that most of you wouldn't expect me to.
Thanks for all the reviews so far. They really make my day!
Chapter 2
"It's talking about me?"
Merlin could feel the blood rushing in his ears, and unfortunately it didn't seem to be able to make the short trip to his face, he could imagine how sickly pale he must be looking. But he kept his features immobile and waited for Gaius to bring him back to reality with his answer. Because he couldn't say anything, however much he wanted to. Anything he said would betray the fear and anticipation that was coursing through his veins. This was too close to home. Too close to the secret. This ancient translation was an aspect of a world that Arthur inhabited but was never really a participant. A world that had been kept from Arthur for a long time. It was a world that would undoubtedly unravel if Arthur started picking at this thread that had somehow gotten away from Merlin. How could he have been so careless?
He had been so excited about this project and Arthur's sudden desire to learn and to shed his ignorance. Arthur wanted to explore, he wanted to learn more about the magical items in the vault. And Merlin had thought that this was fantastic, it was wonderful, it was what he had been working towards. Arthur would learn more about magic and with that he would hopefully discover the truth. That magic was not evil. That magic could be used for good.
He just hadn't realised that this project would lead them here. To this particular truth.
A truth that could potentially be very dangerous to Merlin.
And immediately he was scared about Arthur's recent thirst for knowledge. And he was also scared about what he himselfwould learn. Merlin still had nightmares about the crystal cave and what he saw and that feeling of absolute helplessness as the events played out. He didn't want to learn about things that he couldn't hope to change. He never wanted to be so powerless again.
And as far as he was concerned, he had already heard more than he wanted to know. 'Sorcerer Immortal will suffer greatly…'
"I believe so, Sire," Gaius' grave voice broke through Merlin's thoughts.
Arthur reached out and pulled a chair towards him so he could sit down. Merlin watched him carefully. The king's face was solemn but not overly emotional. In true Arthur fashion he betrayed nothing of what must have been very active thoughts behind that royal facade.
Arthur sat silently and scanned the parchment in front of him again.
"Is this all there is?" he asked quietly.
Merlin had begged Gaius not to write up any more than what he already had, there would have been much more to give to him but they had both agreed (after reading that short passage) that more would probably be dangerous to present to Arthur.
The more Geoffrey and Gaius translated the text, the more Merlin had begun to learn the dialect for himself. He had learnt the important differences between the ancient text and what he was more used to speaking in his spells, he was beginning to piece together sentences.
And he didn't like what he was seeing.
He went down to visit the library, on his own, early this morning. The walls were covered with the Seer's journal entries. Not all the words were familiar to him yet but that didn't stop him spotting the same two or three, over and over again.
Drysawla, literally meaning 'Sorcerer Immortal' and æftercyning, meaning 'later king' or 'future king' and there was just plain Artgur or Athwr. He had wondered how he hadn't seen it before. It should have been obvious. Merlin should have seen all of this. He should have turned and run as soon as he had followed Percival into the space.
But the Library was beautiful. It filled him with a sense of wonder and excited and belonging, like it had been built for just him.
Now he knew why.
"Is it wise to translate more?" Gaius asked, purposefully not looking in Merlin's direction.
"If this is about me then don't I need to go on?" Arthur countered with another question. "I should know if there is something I need to prepare myself for. This sorcerer that they write about… he could be dangerous,"
Merlin's heart was pounding so hard against his sternum that he was sure that Arthur should be able to hear it. He could feel it breaking with every thud against his chest. He willed his face to remain impassive while his blood seemed to writhe beneath the surface of his skin. He knew that if Arthur decided to pursue this then it would become very difficult to keep his secret. In fact, it was almost inevitable that it would be discovered. And Arthur would be learning things about Merlin that he probably didn't even know himself yet. Things that he wouldn't know how to defend, things that he would probably hate himself for. If someone had told him six or seven years ago that he would one day kill Arthur's uncle without a shred of mercy in his heart, he would be horrified with himself. He dreaded to think what more he would have to do in the future to protect Arthur, to protect Camelot and to bring about the time of Albion. He already knew that if Arthur was threatened he would go to terrible lengths to save him.
He could justify it in his own mind, but would Arthur be so forgiving when he found out the truth.
"Or you could find out more than you wanted to know," Gaius said gravely. "Prophecies come true, no matter how much you fight them. Sometimes ignorance is bliss,"
"No!" Arthur yelled and rose from his chair suddenly. It made Merlin jump and Gaius raise his eyebrow. It wasn't usual for Arthur to make such an outburst, especially at Gaius. He appeared to realise this and Arthur looked down at the parchment in his hands apologetically. In a much softer voice, he continued "I don't want to be ignorant anymore Gaius, no matter what the cost,"
Arthur handed the parchment back to Gaius and ran a hand through his hair.
"These 'chests' they talk about?" Arthur asked.
"The wooden boxes," Gaius pointed a finger to a couple that were on the desk, including the one that Merlin had been handling fondly over the last few days. Merlin swallowed and itched to take the box away from the desk. Away from Arthur. He didn't know why, it was just one of those strong and incomprehensible feelings. "It was common practice for the Seers to write prophecies on a small piece of parchment, seal it with wax and lock them in a wooden box for safe-keeping and so that the person who opened it would know if it had been tampered with,"
"And all of them are about me?" Arthur pressed.
Gaius hesitated and he couldn't help but let his eyes flick briefly in Merlin's direction. Merlin held his breath but it didn't appear like Arthur had noticed the slip.
"I would say a vast majority are," Gaius replied. "From that passage I gave you and other sources that Geoffrey is now gathering, I have understood that these Seers were in the employment of one of the four fallen kings. It looks like they began this practice as a public service, so anyone could come and read their prophecy if they desired. When the kings began their descent and the battles broke out across the land, this changed."
"How do we find out which ones are about me?" Arthur asked and Gaius looked wary and concerned again. The older man's lips were tight and thin and Merlin had known Gaius long enough to know when he felt torn and unsure this was the look that graced his features. Arthur realised this too. "I know you don't think this is a good idea, Gaius. But I just need to do this,"
Gaius nodded sombrely.
"I will translate more of the walls, I think they may give some indication of where to begin looking," Gaius gave in with a sigh, conveniently not telling the king that more could be written in the next five minutes if needed.
"This says that magic will follow me always…" Arthur said faintly, drawing himself back to the abandoned parchment. He was staring it like the words on it would change if only he stared at it long enough. Like it would change as long he believed hard enough that it wasn't true.
Merlin smiled grimly and looked away from the king to hide his face. His throat was dry and he knew he was being unusually silent. He wanted to say to him 'It does matter how much you try, you can't change destiny'. He wanted to place a hand on his shoulder and tell him that it's not so bad, with the sorrow also comes joy, that even though the destiny is so large sometimes that you feel like it will crush you, the people around you will pull you through and give you the will to fight another day. But he couldn't. Not just because an average servant should not know what it's like to have a great destiny but also because he needed someone to say those words to him first before he could even contemplate trying to speak. All that would come out at the moment would be a croak and possibly some fearful squeak.
Arthur looked lost. It was so unnerving to see the King look lost, he never was this way. And Merlin almost did it. Almost comforted Arthur like Merlin wanted to be comforted. The way that Gaius had perfected over the years, when it all became too much.
"You must realise, sire, that prophecies rarely give the entire picture, it is an unreliable magic at the best of times. What is written will always be the truth but its actual meaning can be distorted by that particular Seer," Gaius explained "In the same way a child will understand what they see differently from an old man watching the same thing. It may not literally mean that magic will follow you,"
Arthur nodded grimly.
He placed the parchment down onto the desk next to the box. He touched it briefly, tracing the carving with his fingers, Merlin tensed up and resisted the urge to grab it off the desk. But Arthur mercifully left it where it was and then stood to leave.
He looked up to Gaius and Merlin.
"Please find out as much as you can," he said "They've presented me with a choice. I choose not to be blind anymore, I will not surrender to ignorance"
He left Merlin and Gaius alone with the script.
0o0o0o0o0
As soon as Arthur left Merlin felt his body instantly relax but it was time to act and act swiftly.
"We're not actually going to let him do this?" Merlin started, walking up to Gaius and taking up the nearest sheet of wax rubbings but also resting his hand on the box.
"I don't see what choice we have, Merlin," Gaius said "The damage is done, he will not let this rest. Not with the way his mood has been lately,"
They shared a knowing look. Merlin placed the sheet back down.
"But I cannot hope to keep my magic hidden if there is a group of Seers who have written all my secrets in little boxes and addressed them to Arthur," Merlin said in frustration and picked up the box on the desk angrily. "…probably secrets I don't even have yet," he muttered.
Then he felt he needed to address the thing that had been bothering him the most since first reading the passage.
"Gaius… it said… 'Sorcerer Immortal'," he started. Gaius stopped arranging the wax rubbings in any particular order and regarded his ward closely, warily. "Did they mean that literally?"
Merlin didn't know why this thought suddenly made him feel very alone. He suddenly felt more isolated than he ever had before and for some inexplicable reason he just knew… he just knew that it was meant literally. As soon as the question left his lips the knowledge hung around his neck like shackles and the tears burned unbidden behind his eyes.
He looked away from Gaius quickly and stared at the box in his hands again. Gaius mercifully left the question unanswered but his mentor looked so very sad for a moment that Merlin felt like someone had just gripped his heart and squeezed it mercilessly.
Merlin didn't even want to think about what that could mean. Living forever.
It was impossible even to imagine.
Merlin brought himself back to the present with a resolve to just move forward. He had to just keep moving forward. He couldn't change it now, there was no point in dwelling. He swallowed back the lump in his throat.
This box was important. He touched the small chest's carvings again. In exactly the same place as Arthur had. This box had something significant inside it.
And he knew it was probably foolish.
And he knew it was probably unfair.
But he shoved it in his pocket and turned to leave.
He ignored the raise of Gaius' eyebrow and the questioning but concerned look that followed him out of the room. He travelled swiftly through the castle with the chest tucked securely in his jacket. His pace was quick and he refused to look anyone in the eye until he got to his room, where he swiftly removed the loose floorboard and threw the box underneath like it was about to turn into a venomous snake and attack at any moment. He slammed the floorboard back into place and felt immediately better for it, even if he was now breathing heavily and his skin crawled and itched for some unknown and disconcerting reason.
He wanted to scream but he couldn't find his voice.
He wanted to hit something but his arms felt heavy and numb.
He wanted to hide but he had never felt so exposed.
It was ridiculous. But he had to control that one thing. He had to be in control of that one box. Arthur would carry on until that whole room was turned inside out, until the whole room was read, until he knew the whole truth. But Merlin could stop him from knowing what was in that box.
It was unreasonable. Arthur had the right to know the truth if he wanted. Merlin should have probably told him the truth himself, a long time ago. Merlin had no right to keep it from him now. Not now that he actively wanted to learn. But just because Arthur wanted to know, didn't mean that when he eventually found out the truth, he would react well. And Merlin was terrified, he felt like he was circling the drain. Like he had quicksand shifting under his feet. Like it was all happening without his consent.
He had always thought that when Arthur found out about all of this, it would be because Merlin had told him. That Merlin had decided it was time and he had sat him down and was finally completely honest with his friend. He took a deep shuddering breath at the thought.
Would that ever really have happened? He had become so used to keeping the secret that it was a second nature to him now. Would he ever have been brave enough? Did he even know how to tell the truth anymore? He had even started lying to himself.
Did he have any control over his own life anymore?
Would every single one of his actions be written before they happened?
Would he be destiny's puppet forever?
And by gods didn't forever seem such a long time now.
"Merlin?"
Merlin jumped and spun around to face Gaius.
His mentor looked grave but understanding and it was then that Merlin felt the wetness on his cheeks. He touched a finger to them and was confused to see the tears there. He didn't even know when he had started crying.
Gaius quickly closed the distance and wrapped his arms around his ward. Merlin was numb enough to not even register the embrace for the first few moments but eventually he brought his arms up and hung onto Gaius like a lifeline. He burrowed his head into the old man's shoulder and breathed in the familiar scent of dried herbs and wood smoke. He hadn't felt more like a child now than he had for a long time.
"When he finds out…" Merlin mumbled into Gauis' tunic.
"He might not," Gaius interrupted but Merlin knew a lie when he heard it, they both knew it was a lie. He lifted his head to look at his mentor and smiled grimly at him. Letting him know that appreciated the gesture anyway.
"What should I do?" Merlin asked as he let go of his tight grip.
"Well… the King has ordered us to translate more of the text. And the job will be much easier with you there," Gaius said fondly.
"I don't know if I can help Arthur do this," Merlin said "He doesn't understand how horrible it is to know what is going to happen before it does. I… I don't know if I can do it again…"
"I think you underestimate him. I think he knows the risk. He just refuses to be kept in the dark any longer," Gaius said gravely. "It might… it might be the right time to tell him about your magic,"
This made Merlin snap his attention to Gaius' face. The man looked deadly serious.
It was an option. Merlin could still have that talk that he had always imagined he would have with Arthur one day. It was not too late. He could tell him now before he went any further.
Wasn't that what he had always wanted after all?
To be honest with Arthur.
Then why was he so scared? Why did he want to tell Gaius how ridiculous he was being? Why did he suddenly want to run away and hide?
Oh, how their roles had reversed, it was ironic. He remembered that in his first year in Camelot, it had been Gaius who had stopped him from telling Arthur the truth then.
When had Merlin stopped wanting that? When had Merlin become so cynical that he no longer believed that Arthur would understand (eventually) and maybe even accept him? When had he become so comfortable in his lies and his deceit?
Maybe when he had poisoned Morgana? When he had released the dragon on Camelot? When he had lost his father? When he had lost Freya? It could even go back to when he had lost Will. When these trials, these sufferings, were secret, hidden in his own little secret world, he could pretend that they hurt less. And even sometimes, he could pretend that they hadn't happened at all.
Would he be able to tell Arthur about all these things that had happened without his resolve crumbling?
"You can either tell him or be there when he finds out," Gaius continued. "I fear that it has become inevitable that Arthur will know by the end of this,"
Merlin nodded and rubbed a hand over his tired face. It was inevitable. He knew this much by what was left written on the walls by the Seers. They were writing it all down. Everything about Merlin's life transcribed into little boxes and categorised neatly for easy-access.
"You think I should tell him," Merlin confirmed.
"It is your decision to make, my boy," Gaius said softly. Merlin had a feeling that Gaius was just as unnerved by the prospect as Merlin was beginning to be.
"I have no idea of how he will react," Merlin began to pace his small room and run a hand through his hair.
Arthur had been so hardened against magic now. With the death of his father and Morgana's betrayal, Merlin was afraid that Arthur would never be willing to see magic as anything but evil. And Merlin did not want Arthur to believe that he was evil. He didn't know how he would be able to go on if Arthur decided to hate him. He couldn't live with Arthur hating him.
But he knew there would be a better chance of salvaging their relationship if the truth came from Merlin's lips, rather than Arthur reading it on a message sent by stranger generations ago.
Gaius had kept silent and just watched Merlin pace.
"You may just have to trust Arthur to do the right thing," Gaius said with finality.
Merlin simply looked at Gaius and the understanding was passed between them. Merlin trusted Arthur with his life.
"I better go now. Before I talk myself out of it," Merlin muttered and stormed out of the room
As he left he saw Gaius swallow heavily out of the corner of his eye.
0o0o0o0
His palms were sweaty, his heart was racing, his throat was scratchy, and he couldn't stop blinking (for some strange reason).
Merlin stood just outside the door to the King's chambers and switched from foot to foot in nervous anticipation.
What if he didn't need to do this?
What if they were over-reacting? What if they opened the boxes and there was nothing in them?
He would have done this for nothing.
But it wouldn't be for nothing, would it? If Arthur didn't find out this time, what about the next? What if Merlin had to use his magic to save him out in a battle somewhere, and Arthur saw him? When would he have a better time to do this?
He'd made his decision now. He'd just have to face the music.
He heard noises coming from inside the room and he stilled his nervous fidgeting to listen. There was talking, a woman's voice. It was Gwen.
That discovery almost made him bolt right there and then.
It was one thing… finally telling Arthur. He hadn't thought about the possibility of there being witnesses. He had only thought about Arthur's reaction. What about Gwen's reaction? He had been lying to her all this time as well. She could feel just as betrayed as Arthur could. They could both hate him.
He shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts. He would do it. He just needed a moment…
Then he heard Gwen shout something at Arthur and his interest was immediately piqued again.
He had never heard Gwen shout at Arthur.
Not unless Arthur was in danger.
Was Arthur in danger?
Previous thoughts forgotten, Merlin barrelled into the room, hurling the heavy wooden door out on its hinges.
He didn't know what he expected to see in the chambers. Maybe someone about to assassinate the King, possibly a magical beast, he would even have considered seeing Morgana again.
But all he saw was Gwen's worried and haggard face.
And Arthur standing there with a piece of parchment clutched in his right hand and a small, carved, open wooden box in his left.
Arthur looked up at Merlin's sudden entrance with an unreadable expression on his face. The room felt very still.
"Arthur..?" Merlin said questioningly.
Arthur's eyes bored into Merlin's and the warlock began to think that he was already too late, Arthur looked too angry for this to be anything good.
"What are you doing?" Merlin asked shakily.
Gwen took a step towards Merlin and he noticed how she hugged herself and looked almost frightened.
"I just couldn't wait any longer, Merlin," Arthur said finally with short controlled breaths. "I can't explain it… I could… I needed…I had to know…"
"But you can't even read it," Merlin chuckled. But it was a strained laugh, one that scratched his throat on the way out.
Arthur glanced down at the paper in front of him.
"I can read this one," he almost whispered.
Gwen looked at Merlin with sadness and he had the unfathomable urge to reach out and hold her, to take her hand and comfort her.
He didn't think Arthur would appreciate that very much though. Instead he took a step towards Arthur, his footsteps seemed to echo too loudly in the quite room. Then he asked the question that he knew he didn't want the answer to.
"What does it say?" Merlin asked with more courage than he felt.
Arthur flinched and held the paper even more tightly in his clasped fist.
"Arthur will be born by magic, his life will be owed to his father's folly. Arthur will live beside magic, it will surround him through people and places and events. Arthur will die by magic and die by the sword," Arthur read it slowly and his eyes grew darker as he went.
Merlin couldn't move. He may have forgotten how to do it. Breathing was also becoming difficult.
"You said… you said…" Arthur gritted his teeth as he spoke to Merlin. "You said that Morgause had been lying. You said that, Merlin,"
He could be suffocating now. The air was forcefully pushed from his lungs and he was struggling to remember how to inhale again.
"Why would you say that, Merlin?"
0o0o0o0
Ah! I know I'm horrible to leave it there!
I would say I'm sorry but I'd be lying.
I'll do some review replies now because I want to answer some questions. If you don't get a reply it's because I haven't thought of anything interesting to say to you other than 'THANK YOU SO MUCH'
Mark – I didn't want Merlin to know too much so the language was something like the Old Religion but not exactly. In the same way that we might be able to recognise some latin words but wouldn't be able to read a sentence. The first chapter was in Arthur's POV so hopefully in this chapter you got some answers.
Lisa87 – Yes, Merlin is a little upset but he's powering through. There'll be more on the 'Immortal' thing later. No sad ending though, promise! I also quite liked that line you quoted too :P
TwilightCharmedFai e – I'll take cool. Cool is good.
Thanks again to all of you! Please review
