Alrighty! Second update. I saw the movie for a second time yesterday. I always enjoy movies better the second time for some reason and this was no exception. Still kickass awesome :) Anyway, there were a whole bunch of innacuracies in my first chapter which I apologise for - hopefully this makes up for it.
The rest of the week passed painfully uneventfully upon return to the base. All Peggy felt was despair as it came closer and closer to Saturday and Steve had still not been found. Hope was fleeting now – it was had been almost a week and Steve had been lost out in icy cold climate. And that was after the plane crash. There was a lost vibe in the air and everybody was quietly pessimistic about the whole recovery. Peggy knew they were mostly searching for a body now.
Peggy herself was now so hidden behind her protective mask that no form of emotion escaped. She was the stony, cold woman who apparently felt nothing for the lost Captain despite their apparent romance. Only those who knew her personality and demeanour understood, and there were very few who did. She had found great solace with Stark, who had recovered the cube and returned within a couple of days. Peggy was grateful for his friendship, because without him she would basically be a social deprived robot. She went through the daily motions, talking to others purely on a military basis, a blank-page face waiting for Steve to return to write some meaning back into her life. She hated herself, absolutely hated herself, and her new vulnerability. She was so incredibly pathetic. She had never been dependent on a man or let a man define her life. She was Peggy Carter! Anything a man could do, she could do better, and what's more she would do it with poise and class. And here she was falling apart over a lost love. Couldn't she just return to the independent woman she had been before meeting Steve?
Stark made a point to drop by and see Peggy at least once a day. Sometimes this company was welcomed and sometimes it was not. However, she tried not to be too resentful when Stark made his visits because she knew he was her sense of normality in this surreal world that was apparently her current life. And she liked talking to him once she started – she felt he understood her.
It was Thursday when Colonel Phillips approached carrying a thick file. She had been sorting the folders, a tedious task that she had always hated. The colonel had an apologetic expression as he handed the file over and as he departed she slowly opened it, a feeling that she knew whose folder this was heavy in her heart.
Yes, she was right. Rogers, Steven. A photograph was tucked on top and she slid it out, revealing a small, skinny Steve, looking clueless, his dog tags dangling around his neck. Tears sprung up in her eyes. Glancing around, she quickly slid the photo into her jacket before closing the folder and placing it in the correct place – with the MIA soldiers under R. She refused to put him in deceased just yet. Denial was a strong thing.
Later, the colonel was addressing the long table at which sat the soldiers and agents of higher rank, including Peggy. The photo of Steve was still tucked inside her jacket, and she felt slightly better knowing it was there.
"I'm calling off the recovery search for Rogers."
There was a deafening silence. Of course they all expected it – they couldn't continue using expensive military resources to find someone who was impossible to be found and was most certainly dead, lost in the middle of nowhere. But still, Peggy felt betrayed in some way, like the colonel should continue to search for this man until he was found.
"What?" she said.
She felt all eyes turn on her – all down the table were faces.
The colonel looked at her steadily for a moment before replying. It was as if he was assessing how she would like him to tackle the situation. He seemed to conclude that professional was the best way of approach.
"Yes Carter. It has become beyond ridiculous now. Our soldiers on the search are required elsewhere and the resources being used are expensive and could do us better if engaged in other activities. The war is not going to win itself."
She stood, suddenly overcome. "You can't just give up on him! Not after everything he's done for us. He's saved hundreds of men and done absolute miracles in taking down HYDRA. He killed Johann Schmidt for god's sake! And now when he's in need of our assistance you give up on him? We need him!"
The silence that followed her outburst hurt her ears. Her eyes were shining with threatening tears as she stared squarely into the colonel's. He was examining her with a look of sadness and pity. "Peggy," he said softly. "He's gone. I understand how close you were to him and how painful his loss is to you, but you need to accept now that Steve is gone. He's dead and he isn't coming back. I'm sorry Peggy."
A tear slid down her cheek at the end of his reprimand as she struggled to maintain her composure in front of her peers. She stood there for a moment before jerking a nod. "Yes sir. Excuse me," she added in a wavering, breathless voice. As she exited, the only sound was her heels clacking on the hard floor. As she reached the door, the colonel cleared his throat. "A moment's silence to honour Steven Rogers."
After a pause at the doorway, Peggy continued out, the silence shouting at her all the way down the corridor.
"Are you alright?"
"Hm?" Peggy glanced up from her daze. She had been sitting on the metal tabletop while Stark worked on whatever he was working on – she had been very non-committal about listening to Stark's latest project, although she knew quite a bit of his time revolved around the cube.
"You seem to be in a whole other place today," he said, smiling at her. His specialty was acting lighthearted, and his method actually worked in brightening her mood, even if it was infinitesimally.
"I'm alright," she replied.
"Sure you are. It won't do you any good to keep everything bottled up, you know. Just vent, Peg. That's what I'm here for. Or if you want you can wait 'til tomorrow night where we can go get a drink and you can relax-"
"Tomorrow's no good for me," Peggy said. "I… I'm busy."
"Uh huh. Doing what? Pining? It's Saturday tomorrow, you can't just stay at home…"
"Agent Carter!" The colonel's loud, commanding voice 5traveled from the door across the weapons lab. He approached and Peggy slid off the table and stood to face him. "Yes sir?"
"One more day," he said.
There was a brief pause. "Excuse me, sir?"
"One more day. My gift to you, Carter. It's just going to give you false hope, but I have no yet called those working on the recovery of Rogers off. I figured we may as well carry out the week."
"What good will that do, though? One extra day?" said Stark, sounding extremely dubious of the colonel's intentions.
The colonel shrugged. "Don't know. Worth a shot. But this is it. After today, we're stopping the search."
He exited quickly. Peggy was somewhat shocked by the colonel's actions and how gentle he was being with her. However, she felt frustrated, like he was patronizing her when it was obvious he believed nothing was going to happen if the search was continued and it was merely for her sake.
"It must feel terrible," said Stark softly. "Losing him."
Peggy regained control of her face and smiled at Stark. "You can't lose what you never had."
As she left Stark to his work, she could only think one thing:
I almost had him.
The day neared its end and Peggy was leaving. Those who had been on the recovery team to locate Steve were returning and that was that. The end.
However, this was not her closure. She had one last ounce of hope in her heart. And that was for tomorrow, Saturday, eight o'clock, the Stork Club.
Don't be late.
I'll try to update really soon because I'm excited to write the next chapter for obvious reasons. I ship Peggy/Steve so hard. Also, can I just say I love Peggy Carter. She's damn awesome and the fact that she wasn't some weepy damsel in distress was great. And that she was the one to save Steve a couple of times. ANYWAY, until the next update! Oh, and review! I heart reviews. But thanks to everybody for the great feedback already. It means a lot to me. Especially when people write that they got teary or something - it amazes me that I can do that. Thanks everybody! :)
