Disclaimer: Children of Earth doesn't belong to me, and I am glad of that. Torchwood isn't mine either, but if it were, I would have taken much better care of it. This story is a work of fan-fiction written for entertainment and not for profit.
Author's note: Apologies for all the Gwen-bashing. I mean no disrespect to Eve Myles, but transforming from a whinging harpy who can't obey her boss and leave well enough alone in "Adrift" to a late-for-work slacker who's shagging at home while her colleagues are getting blown up in "Fragments" to the woman-who-can-command-the-Cardiff-PD having never risen above the rank of PC before she quit without giving notice in "Exit Wounds" to Super Gwen, the gun-toting, diving-out-of-the-back-of-ambulances, out-shooting-professional-mercenary-snipers, female action hero of Children of Earth all in the course of four episodes at the same time as two of my favourite characters are killed (Tosh and Owen) and two others suffer a terminal attack of the stupids (Jack and Ianto) makes Gwen an easy target. In my opinion Competent!Gwen would have awesome on her own, but after the Gwen we saw in S1 & S2, she is just a blatant attempt by RTD to shove Excalibur down my throat and make me like it.
This is the exactly reason I debated posting this story here, not that I expect many people to object. It's just that this is my longest work published to date, and I don't want people to remember me for mocking Torchwood or any of the characters when I really loved the show that was Torchwood before Children of Earth destroyed it. I have posted other, shorter works that show my love for the programme, and while I hope you all enjoy this, I want you to read and remember my other stories even more.
It Just Doesn't Make Sense: Chapter Two
The Problem
"Doctor? What's going on?" Jack asked, almost managing to sound like his usual chipper self when he entered the TARDIS. He was surprised and relieved to find Alice there, along with Ianto, Stephen, Rhys, Gwen, PC Andy, and Ianto's sister, Rhiannon. He was surprised and a bit bewildered to find Agent Johnson, Lois Habiba, Dr. Rupesh Patanjali, and Clem MacDonald there as well.
"Seems you have a problem with a TRD," the Doctor said.
"A TRD?" Jack said. "But I thought they were mostly harmless, just writing bad television dramas and feeding off the energy generated as fans tried to work out how to fix the plot holes and why certain characters are written so out-of-character. Don't they have a commune in Hollywood or something?"
"Yes," the Doctor agreed, "but this one has developed something of a god-complex of late. Seems to think it can just destroy everything the fans love and start fresh, and unfortunately, somehow it has become so powerful that it has started affecting reality."
"What does TRD stand for?" Gwen asked.
Waving his hand as if batting away a mosquito, the Doctor said, "It's initials for something, but I know for a fact that the T is just made up because there is already something out there called an RD." As he was speaking, the Doctor had called up an image of the creature in question.
"Bloody 'ell," Rhys swore.
"It's hideous," Johnson said.
"Oh, dear," Lois murmured.
Alice gasped in shock, Rupesh gaped at it, and Ianto and Rhiannon pulled identical faces, which, in light of recent events, was creepy.
"Ewwww!" Jack and Stephen complained at the same time, which was somehow even creepier.
"Looks like a Caucasian Kim Jong Il on steroids," Andy observed.
"And that's precisely the problem, PC Andy," the Doctor informed him.
"Isn't it! Isn't it!" Clem hissed in his excitement.
The Doctor peered at the old man over his specs, then smiled brilliantly at him. "Yes, it is." Getting a shy smile in return, he continued his explanation. "This particular TRD has gotten so powerful that its machinations have started to spill over into your world, and it has got to be stopped."
"Ok, so we know what the problem is," Gwen said. "How do we stop this . . . this . . ." She tried saying it all as one syllable, just to remind everyone how special she was, "this Trd?"
Rhys and Andy snorted.
Clem whispered, "Isn't it! Isn't it!" and chuckled.
"Oi!" Alice barked and covered Stephen's ears too late.
Rupesh snickered.
Jack and Stephen gave prurient giggles in perfect unison, which somehow managed to be both extremely creepy and perfectly adorable at the same time.
Ianto and Rhiannon both rolled their eyes and groaned, which was extremely creepy and not adorable at all.
Of course it was the laughter that made Gwen realize what she had said, and she blushed crimson. "Oh, God! Sorry!" She apologized. "Really. Sorry. Sorry."
The Doctor peered at her over his glasses and said, "You certainly are."
"Oi!" Rhys shouted. "That's my wife you insulted!"
"I know," the Doctor told him. "And I am so, so sorry."
Somehow, the Doctor's apology sounded more sincere and compassionate than any of Gwen's ever had, and that was all it took to shut Rhys up.
Clearing his throat, Ianto said, "Not to put too fine a point on it, but Gwen has a good question."
"How do we stop the bloody thing?" Rhiannon broke in, asking the question in unison with her baby brother.
"You know, that whole talking in unison thing, it's losing its effect," the Doctor informed them. "It isn't all that creepy any more. Now it's just annoying, so just don't. Don't do that."
"Sorry," Ianto and Rhiannon replied in unison.
Which made the Doctor roll his eyes and groan in frustration.
Which made Jack and Stephen giggle in unison.
Which made the Doctor give them his best Oncoming Storm glare.
Which shut everyone up.
Satisfied, the Doctor went back to the question at hand. "How do we stop it? That's simple," the Doctor said, but before he could explain, he was interrupted.
"Wait a minute here!" Gwen shouted indignantly, anxious to focus attention back on herself. "Andy says 'bloody hell,' and Ianto and Rhiannon get to say 'bloody,' but Alice gets angry at me for accidentally saying 'turd?' That's not fair."
"No, it isn't," the Doctor agreed unapologetically. "But then, neither is life."
"This isn't about you, love," Rhys said gently. "How do we stop it, Doctor?"
TBC
