God, I don't remember any of this stuff.
I stared at my pre-calc homework, trying desperately to recall that which I had forgotten. Some of it was somewhat familiar, but I hadn't taken a math class since my first year at Yale. It was unnecessary after that with my theater major.
After we returned from Nationals, I had a few days to get myself into shape for my exams. The others I wasn't as concerned about. Chemistry would be a little touch, but for some reason a lot of that had stuck with me.
Getting pregnant while not ideal taught me that there were more important things than popularity and power, and while my actions at the beginning of the school year spoke differently, I spent a significant amount of time on my schoolwork. It was important for me to maintain my GPA I worked tirelessly to boost.
At this point in time the first time round, I had no idea where I wanted to attend college. Everyone was already talking about future plans. Kurt and Rachel had stars in their eyes, S was planning on a cheerleading scholarship, Britt well someone would need to intervene to help her pass. Although she secretly turned out to be a math genius. No one saw that coming.
Yale became the goal after I figured out what I wanted to do. This time I wouldn't try and ruin Shelby's life, and I would keep Puck far away from her. That was one incestuous entanglement we could all live without.
I reviewed my notes once again and reread the chapter in my textbook. It worked in my favor that my notes were thorough. Eventually, my homework was finished and I sighed in relief. The textbook had the correct answers for our problems at the end, and I was satisfied to know I had only missed one problem. Math wasn't my best subject, but I did my best to excel. I dedicated several hours to studying so I could maintain my 4.0 GPA.
Once the torture I called math homework was complete, I slammed shut my textbook. I was thankful for my foresight in taking the SAT the previous month. I wasn't sure I could sit through that again.
I set my thoughts to planning instead for the future. I had seen enough time travel movies to know changing too much resulted in major unforeseen changes. I wanted to keep events at least a bit closer to how they were originally.
Obviously, I was going to do everything within my power to keep Finn and Rachel from rekindling their relationship. That was a teen drama we didn't need. I don't think I could spend another lifetime watching them making googly eyes or attempting to talk Rachel out of teen marriage.
I knew my interaction with her in the hallway this morning would change the dynamics of our currently established relationship, but it was all for the best. We both screwed up where our tentative friendship was concerned, and it was probably a contributing why neither of us was willing to bridge the gap between us.
The first half of my plan involved changing the events surrounding Nationals. We lost focus in the glamor of the city and concentrated on the wrong things resulting in us being ill-prepared for the competition. While songwriting was a strong suit of ours, we had work to do on our overall presentation.
Booty camp was a surprisingly good idea on the behalf of Mr. Schue, but instead of singling out specific members of the club, he should've made it mandatory for all members. He was part of the reason for all the separation issues our senior year as he never gave others a chance to shine. While Rachel had a lot of talent, she wasn't the only star. I would have to talk with her about that. She was all about being a team player, and I think she would agree to set aside a number for the members of our group who felt neglected.
One of the things I would have to do in New York was to attach myself to her side to prevent Finn from having any real access to her outside of songwriting. He romanced in New York and used it as a way to get closer to her as he knew her fondness for the city.
The kiss that broke the Glee club was also another moment I couldn't bear to repeat again. At the time, I thought the pang in my heart was because of how quickly Finn moved back to her, but it was later I realized it was about her.
I did think it was important our group primarily focus on our performance. I wasn't sure we had what it takes to make it into the top ten this year as we still had a lot of issues to work through. We had raw talent, however that can only carry a group so far. We exhausted that in these first two years; next year needed to be spent refining our performances. Perhaps I could even talk to Mr. Schue about rehearsing during the summer like sports teams did.
Maybe I could also write a duet with Rachel, or use a song I had written about her. It would save the group some time and we wouldn't have to worry about the second performance.
My other obstacle was Puck. I knew he still harbored feelings for me, but I had to make him understand nothing would ever come of them. I wasn't into him the same way. I loved him as he was my child's father, but that was the only reason. He wasn't a horrible person even if sometimes I resented him for what transpired. I was just as much to blame for what happened as I didn't have to accept the wine coolers. It was a cluster fuck.
Switching gears, I moved back to Rachel. I had to be careful with her as she was still cautious of my motivations. At this point, she probably suspected I was planning something similar to regionals.
I wanted to start out as her friend. While I knew quite a few things about her, I didn't know everything. I did know she was a vegan and her room was soundproofed after neighbors complained. What I didn't know the first time was how she craved the presence of a mother, and Shelby continuously pushed her away unable to get over herself. Rachel suffered when her mother came back and I didn't help the matter.
The situation wasn't fair to her, but I did have to think about what was best for my daughter. I knew Rachel didn't begrudge me that, well mostly. She was somewhat resentful. I would be too.
Rachel had also stopped posting on MySpace, one because she realized no one used the platform anymore and two, she was suffering from far too much abuse on the site to really draw any positive attention to herself. I was to blame for how many of the kids treated her. It made me want to be sick to know the sort of taunts I directed at her and all the ways I dehumanized her.
I really was a pressed lemon.
This time everything would be different. For starters, I was going to use the summer to work on myself and my relationship with my mother and fellow glee clubbers. I would stay far away from the Skanks as that only got me into trouble.
There were a lot of things I couldn't remember either as so much time had passed. Some things remained fresh in my memory as if they happened yesterday, while some of the lesser important moments faded with time. It wasn't a huge concern.
Most of this year was imprinted on my memory as it seemed new problems arose each week. I thought junior year would be a better year for me after shedding the baby weight and reclaiming my position at the top of the food chain. Those plans went awry from the very beginning when Rachel and Finn encouraged me to date Finn, Sue tried to shoot Britt out of a cannon and force us to choose a team, and then with Finn's ultimate pursuit of me.
It all happened quickly and it was hard to sort out what precipitated what. We had all been more than a little horrible to each other with backstabbing, lies, and cheating. In the present, we laughed about how silly we all were. We were all going through the same things, yet believed we were so different from one another.
At this point, I had just gotten over Santana giving me mono and getting with my ex, not that it worked out in her favor. Sam and Mercedes were heading towards something.
Maybe I could talk with him about lodging with a member of the club next school year so that he didn't have to leave McKinley and work at a strip club.
There was no way to stop Lauren from quitting after nationals. She was in the club for the numbers and for whatever relationship her and Puck shared. We would have to work on maintaining numbers in our group as it was fragile. Everyone knew that we barely ever had enough to compete, which was why it was necessary to keep our group whole.
Luckily, Karofsky was done bullying Kurt. He was far too afraid what Kurt knew about him would get out. With Kurt back, we would get Blaine the following school year. It was a plus for us and we needed more male leads. He was very talented and had stage presence.
Next year was going to shake things up for all of us. Santana would be outed as a result of political campaigns, but she finally owned up to her feelings for Britt. Santana was going to give me so much shit after I come out and if I end up with Rachel, it'll never end. Although I knew she secretly cared about Rachel too.
The next thirty minutes were spent in my room devising a plan of action. I was well aware that I couldn't just start changing things to suit my own needs. Everything had to be gradual. I will take my opportunities where I can get them.
Then there's the whole Finn never wants Rachel until he can't have her. Jesse St. Asshole is still fishing around. Rachel really knows how to pick them. Rachel and I did share a few love interests Finn, Puck, and Sam. It is kind of gross how most of us dated the same people. Holly Holiday may have made a valid point.
My head lowered to my desk with a tired groan. There was so much to do in order to preserve our club and keep Finn and Rachel apart.
My mother was finishing up dinner downstairs. I could hear her as she hummed out of tune to the radio. She liked oldies stations.
"Quinnie!" She called up to me. I knew that it meant it was time for me to join her for dinner. "Dinner."
Dinner was good. My mom made meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans. "How was school?"
"It was okay." I knew when I eventually came out to my mother, it would be a slight adjustment for her in the beginning, but she quickly came to accept me. She had already lost me in the past and didn't want to do so again. "Things are bit tense in glee."
My mother's interest was piqued. "What's going on?"
I swirled my mashed potatoes. "Well to be honest we inter-date a lot. I'm sure you've noticed." It hadn't escaped my mother's noticed all the boys I dated were in glee with me. "There have been a lot of break ups and some mistrust. Then there's the internal competition between members of our club."
"Internal competition?" My mom didn't know much about the club. I hadn't shared with her. I felt bad about it now as I could see how much she craved to know the details of my life.
"Mr. Schue allowed this kid Jesse to talk him into basically picking a star performer to center our performances around. Four of members signed up to audition. I heard the best was Rachel-"
"That's the little Jewish girl, right?"
Most people might've assumed my mom meant that offensively, but she didn't really know any of my club members. I had talked about Rachel, but aside from mentioning her talent, it was usually scathing.
"Yes, she's one of the most talented people in our club. She's been taking lessons her whole life so it makes sense. She's a bit egotistical. She's not alone in that though as Mercedes, Santana, and Kurt are right there next to her. Jesse favored Rachel in their auditions, but then Mr. Schue decided not to go that route as he thought it showed favoritism and wanted to showcase all members of our group."
One of his problems was that while he was helping us, he was also trying to relive his own glory days at the same time. He was messy in not only his school life but his personal one as well, which in turn affected us. He meant well but he needed to get it together.
"That sounds fair."
"Not really, I get he really wants to give us all a chance to shine, but the way he chooses people isn't right. It would be more fair to have us audition than just picking. Rachel gets a lot of flack since he picks her the most. A lot of the glee clubbers are jealous and bitter, but it's not her fault that he picks her."
Mom knew enough about me to know I wasn't usually one to support Rachel. I complained about her often enough so it came as no surprise when she lifted a curious brow and stared at me perplexed by my defense of someone I once titled the enemy. "This is unlike you I must say. It's not bad, but you've changed your tune where this girl is concerned."
My eyes dropped to my plate as I debated whether or not to drop the bomb on her. I knew what her reaction would be so it didn't bother me too much. I had drawn too much suspicion to myself. "Mom?"
Her eyes were glued to me. "Is there something wrong?"
Kurt had it easy. At least his dad already knew. "Mom, I have to be honest." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I'm gay."
"What?"
"I like girls."
Her fork fell with a clang as she sat back in her chair and stared at me. I figured it was easier to do this now rather than later. I didn't want to live with anymore lies or pretenses in my life. I did that enough last time.
"I see. It's not a phase?" I shook my head. "How long have you… have you been this way?"
It could've gone worse.
"I've always liked girls."
"You dated boys."
I dropped my eyes to my lap as she was right. I had never shown any indication I wasn't into boys. "I pretended. It was easier and dad would've hated me."
Her face softened as she knew how conservative my father was. If he knew I was gay, he would've kicked me out long before I was pregnant or sent me to one of those conversion places.
"Why are you telling me now?"
"I don't want to lie about who I am anymore. I've been unhappy mom pretending to be this perfect Barbie. I never realized I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I see Kurt and his boyfriend, and I envy them. They get to be out and don't feel shame for who they are."
She hadn't run or told me to leave, which I took as a positive sign. "Does this have to do with Rachel?"
So she did know how to put the pieces together.
"Yeah… not that she really knows. She thinks I want Finn."
"At least your taste in girls is better than your choice in guys."
I snorted. "You do make a point."
"Do you know I suspected you might be?"
I stared at her in shock. What was she talking about? Last time she never said anything like this. "What do you mean?"
"Do you remember your first day of high school?"
"Vaguely," it was the truth. I remembered it was the first day I felt powerful and I exercised that power on all the kids I viewed as beneath me.
"You came home ranting about a girl name Rachel Berry. You said how much you hated her and how annoying she was. You talked about her for months even though you weren't even friends; all you did was talk about how smart she was and how she joined every club as if it would make her popular. What really struck me was when you talked about Rachel's clothes, while you made mention of your dislike for her animal sweaters, it was her skirts which you focused your attention on. You spoke about how indecently she dressed, but there was this look in your eyes as if you didn't mind so much. I suspected something, but there was your father."
He was the ultimate hypocrite. He preached about virtue, family, and fidelity. He insulted everyone, yet he was the biggest sinner of all of us.
"Honey, it's not for me to tell you what you are. Your father did enough of that for us, and I thought it better for you to discover who you are yourself. Besides, I don't think you would've taken it well had I told you this before now. You had a lot of issues, and your father had you believing gay people were evil."
"I suppose you're right. We didn't have that kind of relationship. I would've panicked and done something stupider. I wasn't ready then to accept my sexuality."
"Have you accepted it?"
I nodded. "Yeah, and I'm fine with it. I know that the Bible condemns homosexuality as it goes against the tradition of a woman and a man, but it seems a bit hypocritical. There's nothing wrong with loving someone. As a Christian we are taught to love pretty much everyone. And it is not up to us to judge in the long run anyways."
My mom grinned at me with pride in her eyes. "I'm glad that you never took any of your father's words to heart. He has strong views on the subject, but that is his problem not ours. My parents taught me to be open minded. Your father is a bigot, and for a while I listened to everything he said. What finally made me realize that he was wrong was when he kicked you out of this house." Her eyes dimmed with sadness, and I reached across the table to squeeze her hand in a display of solidarity.
I knew she still felt guilty even years later for allowing him to kick me out of the house.
"He's a jerk. The Bible also condemns fornicators but look at him and his tattooed freak." Mom snorted into her napkin.
"Yes there is that." The rest of the dinner conversation was much lighter. In a way, I was lighter after getting that particular revelation off my chest. It was still a nerve-wracking experience even though I had done it already.
I volunteered to do the dishes after dinner. Mom had done all the cooking today and did the dishes after breakfast. It bothered me I hadn't appreciated her as much until I was older.
After I finished with the clean up, I kissed my mom goodnight and headed up to my room. I needed some space to think and my mom would've wanted to talk about everything. I wasn't at that stage with this version of her.
My mom had thrown me for a major loop. It was a hurdle I was glad to have out of the way, while I was relieved, there were still so many other obstacles to worry about.
I knew Rachel at the very least had a tiny crush on me. Kurt revealed as much once when he was drunk and we somehow ended on the topic of Rachel not being as straight as an arrow. He told me if I had known I was gay back in high school, Rachel would've been more than willing to date me.
Then I had to talk to Santana and work on patching things up in our relationship as we both seriously screwed one another over out of sheer pettiness and jealousy. In the process of hurting each other, we hurt others and that was far worse. Sam was a casualty of both of our actions.
There was Mercedes as well. In my bid to climb up the hierarchy I forgot about the one person who was really there for me when I needed it. She offered up her house to me even though I had no way of repaying her family's kindness. It didn't bother her either that someone who had never been nice to her was suddenly living in her house. We discovered we had a few things in common.
She was a little hurt when I willingly moved back home, but she understood that I needed to fix things with my mom. We hadn't spent much time together this year as I was too busy scheming to get my way. "Ugh."
I had a lot fix. Maybe it wasn't just about a second chance with Rachel at all.
