This chapter is pretty much a retelling of the Fall of Wall Maria, because I felt like that was important to the story and to address certain things, but not all of the story is going to be like this. The next chapter will talk a little bit more about the differences between the canon and this as well as introduce other characters and their types, so stay tuned for more~.
What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
…
What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys, but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of good-byes.
…
– Anthem for Doomed Youth, Wilfred Owen
Blond hair and a flushed face. Fear. A lot of blood. Corpses lying around. Black hair tossed by the wind. And…an infant's cry.
It was that which woke me from my restless sleep. I could still hear the baby's cries echoing in my ears and was tempted to look around to search for that crying child with my eyes, even as my vision began to clear to see the form of my adopted sister Mikasa leaning over me. Her dark eyes were serious as usual and her black hair and red scarf around her neck waving slightly in the wind, among with the leaves above her. I mumbled out her name, my voice a little muffled by the leftover sleepiness.
"Let's start heading back. It'll be dinnertime soon." She said, always one to get straight to the point.
"…What am I doing here?" I asked her, my brain feeling strangely foggy. I recognised the place as the fields in Wall Maria, just outside of my hometown of Shiganshina, one of the small, closed-off areas surrounding the greater Walls. I was lying in the grass underneath one of the large trees that we often tended to relax under when it got really hot during the summer. But what had I come here for again? Why had I left Shiganshina today?
Mikasa blinked at me, but her blank expression didn't change. "Were you in such a deep sleep that you're still dreaming?"
"No…" I mumbled, sitting up. "I just feel like was like I was having a really long dream…" I began rubbing my eyes which felt suddenly very itchy and like they were burning. Most likely because I had just woken up so suddenly. "But I can't quite seem to remember what it was about…"
Mikasa walked a bit further, raising a wooden carry-on filled with sticks onto her back. Oh, now I remembered. Mom had told me to come here and fetch firewood. The summer was starting to come to its end and it was important to start gathering firewood for the colder weather while the sticks were still dry, she had said. I could see my own carry-on next to Mikasa, right where I'd left it before I'd come to lie down under this tree for a bit of a break. I must've been a bit more relaxed than I'd planned and fallen asleep at some point. But Mikasa hadn't come along at first, had she? No, she must've followed me later and gathered her own share while I'd slept. I noted somewhat bitterly that her pile was larger than mine. She could've woken me up so I could've gathered more with her…
What shook me from my thoughts was Mikasa turning back to look at me and her eyes widening just a bit, a bit of a break to her normally nearly expressionless face. "Eren, why are you crying?"
"Wha…?" I raised my hand to touch my cheek. Indeed, it felt wet. I hadn't even realised I'd started weeping. I didn't feel particularly sad or frustrated, which were the most common emotions to make me cry. So why were tears coming out of my eyes now of all times?
Feeling my face heat up from shame, I hurried to wipe my eyes on my sleeve. "Never mind. Let's go." I said as I took my own carry-on and began to hurry back to Shiganshina. It took a few moments more before I heard Mikasa's steps following me, but she didn't say anything more about my tears.
As we approached one of the small side gates which we would use to return to our hometown, I brought it up instead, still feeling quite humiliated. "...Don't tell anyone I was crying."
"I won't." Mikasa replied, her tone ever-even. "But you still shed real tears without any visible reason. Maybe you should talk to your father about it? Ask him to take a look at you?"
"Don't be stupid! Like hell I'd tell him about that!" My father was the town's respected doctor. He had more important things to think about than me crying without a cause. Besides, telling him would probably just lead to uncomfortable questions that I didn't have answers to.
We were now walking through one of the small inner gates that would take us back to Shiganshina. Just before we would've stepped into our hometown, however, a familiar male voice cut in to our conversation, having apparently overheard us although we'd been speaking in somewhat hushed tones. "What were you crying about, Eren?"
At once, we were also met by the familiar face of Hannes, one of Shiganshina's resident Garrison Guard soldiers, whose responsibility is to guard the Walls and handle their routine maintenance. However, although he was dressed in his regal uniform and even had his Three-Dimensional Manoeuvre Gear on, with the blade containers hanging on his sides and everything, his face was flushed and the look in his eyes somewhat unfocused. He was drunk again it seemed.
Indeed, I could smell the alcohol in his breath as he leaned down to talk to me. "Did Mikasa get mad at you for some reason?"
Embarrassed, ashamed and flustered, I answered by yelling: "Why would I cry about something like that?!" The stink of his breath irritated me, even if my sense of smell hadn't yet developed into its full capacity, so I had to turn my face away a bit to be able to breathe properly. I saw an opening for a change of subject, and remarked on the smell with disgust, coughing a little to emphasise my point.
My line of sight freer as I was leaning a bit to my side, I also saw some of Hannes' fellow officers seated on boxes by the Wall. All of their faces were flushed in a manner similar to his and, indeed, I could see them holding both cups and bottles with alcohol in them in their hands, occasionally taking a swig from whichever they happened to be holding. At their feet on the ground, there were even a few more empty bottles.
"You're drinking again?" I mumbled, more as a voiced thought to myself than to actually ask about something that was already fairly obvious. I couldn't hide the disappointment I felt very well in my voice, however.
"Why don't you two join us?" Hannes asked me and Mikasa.
"Well, um…" I could only hope he was kidding, us being underage and all, so I didn't answer. Instead, I attempted to change the subject again. "Aren't you on duty right now?"
"Yeah, today we man the gates." Hannes replied with a smile, before a calmer expression took over his face. "We've been here all day, so hunger and thirst began to catch up to us." He said, sounding almost like a teacher trying to explain the letter 'f' to a small child. I felt a flame of anger inside for being belittled like that. "It's not a big deal if we happen to drink something with a little alcohol in them." He finished with a carefree shrug as if to emphasise how little it mattered what they drank and ate.
However, his explanation seemed to throw oil on the flame of anger inside of me that had been lit by him treating me like someone half my age, rather than all the ten years that I actually was. Hearing him talk about how little he seemed to care about his duty to these Walls – no, rather the people living inside these Walls who depended on him and the others – struck a chord somewhere deep inside of me that I wasn't sure I was that well-acquainted with at all.
"But if you're drunk, how are you supposed to fight when the situation calls for it?" I hissed out, my hold on the straps of my wood-carrier tightening as my anger grew.
Hannes, however, simply looked baffled at my question. "And what would that situation be?"
I bit my teeth together, feeling rage course through me by now and my cheeks flushing with anger. "I can't believe you'd even ask! It should be obvious!" I screamed from the bottom of my lungs, letting my fury guide my tongue and power up my tone of speech. "When they break down the Wall and enter the city!"
Rather than directly add anything to my claims, Hannes simply held his head momentarily, telling me not to shout. He probably had an oncoming headache from the alcohol, and sudden noise from so close was starting to agitate it. Seeing him do this did little to soothe my rage, though.
One of Hannes' colleagues stood up from his seat and began approaching us. He seemed to represent the general laziness of the Garrison Guard even better than Hannes, being on the plumper side and with a double-chin. At least Hannes kept himself fit, even in the times of peace and quiet. "You're real lively, doctor's son." He spoke to me with a laugh. "If they ever do end up breaking the Wall, we'll do our jobs. But you know what…" His face spread into a somewhat cheeky grin. "Not once in the past 100 years have they ever managed to do that."
"But still!" I argued back. "My dad said it's times like these when we allow us to let our guard down that we're in most danger!"
"Dr. Jaeger said that, huh…" Hannes mumbled, seeming to think a bit clearer now and even standing up a bit straighter, as if just being named in a conversation might make my father appear.
I knew Hannes had tremendous respect for him, just like almost everyone living in Shiganshina. You see, some years back there had been a really bad epidemic in the town to which nearly everyone had fallen a victim to. However, Dad had managed to somehow come up with a cure for the illness, despite the fact that no one had seen anything resembling it before, anywhere. The cure came in the form of a liquid inserted into people's arms from a pipe with a needle. He called this new cure a "vaccination". It had proved effective as well, despite being something completely new, for after being injected with just a single vaccination, the sick people had begun to get better and the ones who hadn't been ill yet didn't end up catching the disease at all. I personally hadn't fallen a victim to the illness at any point, most likely due to my father's instructions as to how to avoid it even before he had come up with the cure, but I had seen how horrible it had been and what it could do to a person while assisting Dad as he went around healing the sick ones. Huge spots would break out on their skin, they would sweat profusely with fever and look incredibly pale and thin in their beds. Hannes' wife had been one of the victims, but thanks to my father, she had survived. Hannes himself had been injected with the vaccine in time and he had avoided the disease, despite living with someone who had caught it.
"Well, he's probably right…I don't claim to know any better than this town's resident saviour…" Hannes continued mumbling, somewhat pulling me out of my thoughts. "However, they are an entirely different matter. As a soldier, I see them wandering outside constantly while I reinforce the Walls, but it's difficult for even me to imagine them being able to do anything about these 50 meter tall Walls."
"Th-then…" I murmured, consumed now both by anger and, hate as I admit it, slight fear. "You're saying you're not even ready to fight them in the first place?!"
"Pretty much." Hannes said, carefree as usual.
"What?!" I yelled. "Then stop calling yourselves the Garrison Guard! "Wall-Building Squad" would be more accurate!"
"That doesn't sound half bad." Hannes said, with a small chuckle. However, afterwards his tone and face became more serious, almost sombre. "But you know, Eren, when people see soldiers actually fighting, they know something bad has happened. That's when things'll really have gone south. The truth is that everyone's much happier when we're doing nothing and they get to call us useless freeloaders, because those are the times of peace."
"Hannes is right, kid." The other soldier remarked. "I don't get those guys from the Scouting Legion, going outside the Walls and everything…I swear, it's like they get a kick out of being in life-threatening situations or something…"
I bit my teeth together, still seething with fury, but I understood raging on would do me no good. Although I was an Alpha and these soldiers were Betas, I was still just a kid, especially in their eyes. I wouldn't be able to convince them by yelling. I put my anger into my jaw and my hands which I squeezed into tight fists. It was a trick Dad had taught me to calm down when the situation called for it. And as usual, it worked as my anger was starting to melt down into bitterness and unhappiness. "Yeah, I know." I spoke under my breath, my voice much more even now, but even so I could still feel emotions bubbling at the root of my throat. "We may not be able to ever get outside these Walls, but as long as we can eat and sleep we can stay alive." I could feel Hannes' eyes focus on me now, clearly surprised by my words, but I kept my eyes on his boot-covered feet, not letting that deter me. "But a life like that would be as if…as if we were just cattle."
I heard Hannes gasp, and felt rather proud of myself, until I heard the other soldiers laugh.
"This kid sure knows how to talk!"
"Although he can't do anything by himself. Right, Hannes?"
I didn't stick around to listen any more and continued on my interrupted way to Shiganshina. Mikasa followed, almost like a shadow.
Truth to be told, I had left because I didn't have anything to retort back to that. Not yet, anyway. I was still a mere child, living inside these Walls just like everyone else. I hadn't turned 12 yet, so I wasn't even working or engaged or anything that people generally associated as rites of passage on the way to adulthood and proper maturity. However, that would not always be the case and when that time would come I'd prove everyone wrong. I would grow strong and join the ranks of the heroic Scouting Legion. I'd fight the Titans with them, travel outside the Walls with them and liberate mankind from these Walls with them. Only two more years until I could join the Trainee Corps and work my way up to becoming a soldier…
Right then, as if reading my thoughts or perhaps based on what I had said earlier, Mikasa quietly said to me: "Eren, you should give up on joining the Scouting Legion."
I turned to her, only slightly angry, just because it was her and because I was already a bit calmer than I'd been before. "What? Do you think they are stupid for doing what they do too?"
"It's not really about what I think about them—" However, before she could finish what she had been trying to say, she was interrupted by the sound of the town's large bell ringing. This bell was only rung for one purpose; to alert people that the main gate that led to the outside of the Walls was going to be opened. We'd seen the Scouting Legion leave a few days before, so that meant…
"The Scouting Legion is back!" I cheered, my mood much improved. "Let's go, Mikasa! Let's go see the heroes return victorious!" I grabbed her hand to lead her and sped off to a run towards the main gate. Mikasa had only lived in Shiganshina for about a year, after all, whereas I'd grown up here. I knew all the shortcuts and therefore the best and fastest way to get to the gate in time.
Still, even though the run took only a few minutes, a number of adults had already gathered by the road leading from the gate into the inner city, making it hard for the two of us to see anything from behind them. Thankfully, I saw two wooden boxes, not unlike the ones Hannes' colleagues had used as seats, left standing by a building wall. The two of us climbed on top of them, and standing at our full height could now see the returning Scouting Legion well.
It was not the victorious sight I had been hoping to see, however. No matter if they were riding a horse, walking or lying down in a wooden carriage, all the returning Scouting Legion members had extremely grim looks on their faces. On top of that, most of them were injured in some way or another; the ones in carriages being in the worst shape, lying there because they weren't able to walk or ride a horse in their states. The injured ones had been given first aid, but most were bleeding through their bandages anyway. Some were missing limbs, one was missing an eye, some had their whole heads wrapped up so that only their eyes were visible from underneath all the bandages. The vibrant green of their signature cloaks seemed to reflect on their pale faces. It was all terrible to look at, and I could feel my stomach clenching both at the realisation of what this must mean, but also at the number of their grave injuries.
I could also hear people mumble and whisper amongst themselves at this sight: "Only this few made it back, huh?", "There were over 100 of them when they left...now there are barely 20." and "Does that mean everyone else was eaten? That's what you get for going outside the Walls."
One woman's voice rang over all the others, however. "Moses? Moses!" There was alarm in her tone, and I looked over to the other side of the street to see woman whose greying hair was pulled at a simple ponytail at her neck approach one of the walking men, an aging Alpha by the looks of him, with thinning brown hair, tanned skin tone and wrinkles. "Excuse me, I don't see my son Moses…where can I find him?"
There was a moment's pause, before the Alpha spoke to the man walking by him. "It's Moses' mother…bring it here." The solider went to retrieve something from the cart, confusing both me and the desperate mother. However, by the look on her face, she as well as I both knew this couldn't be anything good, especially when the solider returned with something long and thin wrapped in a bloody piece of cloth.
It was given to the woman, who looked down at it with her face rapidly paling. She looked up at the Alpha man with a questioning gaze, but he gave her no answer. Therefore, she seemed to decide she had to find out what she was holding in her arms herself. She began unwrapping the cloth, and what it revealed wasn't so much a surprise as a shock. It was a human arm, mutilated and covered with blood and black spots from where it was beginning to rot. I could make out a rather horrid smell from where I was, and I could only imagine what the woman holding it must be smelling. The whole spectacle was so grim, so vile, so…desperately sad. It made me feel sick to my stomach.
With the shock came grief for the woman, and she began to weep. She made sounds resembling her being strangled somewhere deep inside her throat, like she couldn't breathe over her sorrow. As tears flowed down her cheeks she was no longer strong enough to stand and fell down on the ground on her knees, even as the brown-haired man finally offered her some sort of explanation, the grim look never leaving his face: "That was the only part of him we could salvage."
Despite the smell she must be experiencing, the older woman clung to the arm as she cried desperately, and I couldn't imagine what she must be feeling. She had come alone, without anyone with her, so it was likely her son had been all she had had. And now, he was gone as well. I couldn't imagine what it must be like, losing the last of your family, when I had never lost even one family member or person I held dear as of yet.
All the while she cried, the Scouting Legion stood perfectly still. So did the regular people. It seemed like everyone barely dared to breathe. Finally, the Alpha she'd approached crouched in front of her and I wondered if he was going to try and offer comfort. I pondered what he would say because I sure as hell had no idea what I would've said. Her son had joined the Legion and died. What could you say to ease the grief of someone like that, when you yourself had made it out with barely any injuries?
He was spared the trouble, however, when the woman spoke up instead, even though her voice still sounded like she had to choke out every word out of her mouth: "But, my son, he…he was useful, wasn't he?" The man in front of her gasped. "Although he might not have done anything outstanding…he contributed to mankind's retaliation somehow, did he not?!" She raised her head at her last words and we could clearly see how free tears were flowing down her wrinkling cheeks.
Wind blew, and there was another pause. "Of course!" The Alpha man gasped out, but seemed to regret his words immediately as he frowned. "No…" he murmured after a short pause, this time his voice sounding strangled. "During this mission, we…no, even after all our missions…" He clenched his eyes shut, and bend his head as if bowing in shame. "We've failed to accomplish anything!" Tears were now beginning to fall down his cheeks. To see a grown Alpha man cry in the middle of the street where everyone could see was unheard of. Yet, he didn't seem able to stop. "Because of my incompetence, soldiers have died left and right for naught! And we haven't learned anything useful about them!"
As he wept, people began talking amongst themselves in hushed tones again. This time the two somewhat plump middle-aged men right in front of us were amongst them.
"This is horrible."
"Tell me about it."
"If they had just settled to live peacefully inside the Walls like everyone else, none of this would've happened…"
"Really, all this does is show that our taxes are being spent on fattening them and nothing more."
I decided that was the final straw, grabbing one piece of firewood from my pile and hitting the man who had said that on the back of the head with it in rage. Did he really think this was something appropriate to talk about right now, when the situation was so dire it had caused an Alpha man to break down and cry in front of everyone? And yet they were just spouting these things like the Scouting Legion didn't have feelings or couldn't hear them talking shit…
"What the hell are you doing, you brat?!" the man screeched at me, and I was fully prepared to hit him again, when I felt someone grab the back of my jacket's collar and begin to forcefully drag me away from the man and the people to one of the many side alleys of Shiganshina.
This wasn't the first time this had happened, so I knew right away who was dragging me. "Hey! What're you doing, Mikasa?" I screeched at my sister, but she didn't listen and didn't even slow down in dragging me, despite the man I'd hit yelling after us. She dragged me until the two of us were well away from everyone else and approaching a dead end. "Mikasa, enough already!"
However, she didn't seem to think so, as out of nowhere she suddenly threw me against the wall so that my back hit it, making the wood I had been carrying scatter all over the place. It also hurt rather painfully, but I refused to let it show any more than by making a pained noise that I could not hold back upon hitting the wall. "What the heck was that for? Look at all the wood!"
Mikasa's expression barely changed, as usual, but I had learned to read her emotions pretty well. She was frowning more than normal, and looked somewhat worried and a little angry. "Eren, did what we just witnessed change your mind about joining the Scouting Legion?"
Her question threw me off the loop, and actually made me think. There hadn't been a trace of triumph or heroism in what we'd seen, nothing like I had hoped the Scouting Legion to be. It had honestly made me rather afraid. But truth to be told…I hadn't changed my mind. It had been my dream for so long; to join the Scouting Legion, fight the Titans and to see the world beyond these Walls. I wasn't going to give up on it, no matter how hopeless it may seem. I would gladly give up my life if that was the price to pay in order to be truly free. I refused to stay cattle for the rest of my life.
But I knew saying something like that would only make her more worried and as a result angrier, so instead I simply muttered: "Help me pick these up" as I began to gather the firewood back into a neat pile.
She complied, crouching down, even if she mumbled: "There isn't much to begin with…"
...
After picking up the firewood, the two of us continued on our way home, this time not saying a word to one another while we walked. Shiganshina was a small enough town that it didn't take us very long to reach our two-story brick house, located by the rock stairs leading up to the hills of the district.
"We're back." I said as I opened the front door. My mother was cooking dinner by the stove at the opposite side of the house, my father sitting around the table in-between.
"Welcome home." My father replied, looking at us over his shoulder with a gentle smile on his face.
"You're late, children." My mother scolded, turning halfway around to look at us.
"Yeah, well…" I mumbled as Mikasa and me put away the firewood we had gathered into the boxes by the fireplace where we tended to keep them. "It's a long story…"
"Well, never mind. Wash up and we'll start eating." Mom said, beginning to set the table. The two of us rushed over to the sink (well, I rushed and Mikasa followed at a normal pace) and pushed the pump attached at its side for water. It was connected to the nearby well, so we got water into the house without having to carry it. This was one of the perks of belonging to a family of a respected doctor, as most people had to haul their water to their houses from the well. It was also a good thing because Dad was always very adamant about the two of us washing our hands before every meal. To prevent infections, he always said.
Afterwards, all four of us sat at the table to eat our vegetable stew and bread. We made light conversation, during which Dad announced he was going out of town for a while to travel to the inner Walls for medical examinations. This wasn't too out of place, as he did these trips a few times a year, but it was a bit surprising we were only hearing about it now. Usually he would have let us all know about a week in advance. Still, I paid it very little mind, being reassured by his words that he'd be back in a few days.
Then, almost out of nowhere, Mikasa remarked: "Eren said he wanted to join the Scouting Legion."
Mom gasped and jerked her neck to turn to look at us from the sink where she had already begun doing the dishes. Dad's reaction was much subtler; a single small jerk of his head upwards and a small gasp.
"Mikasa, I told you that was a secret!" I accused, but didn't have time to say anything more before my mother had come over to me and grabbed my shoulders to make me look directly at her.
"Eren!" She yelled, her tone both worried and angry. "What in the world are you thinking? Do you know how many people have died outside the Walls?!"
"Y-yes I do!" I yelled right back at her, despite being a bit startled by her harsh tone and words.
"Then why—?"
"Eren." My father interrupted her, speaking in an even tone that didn't betray any emotions. The expression on his face as well, although serious, did not look angry or disappointed or even particularly worried. He had always been the mellow and composed one out of my two parents, despite him being an Alpha and my mother being an Omega, so most would've probably expected it to be the other way around. But then, a doctor couldn't just lose his composure even under dire circumstances, since that might cost a patient's life, so to me it wasn't that surprising. "Why do you want to go outside?"
I took in a breath and turned to face him properly on my seat next to him, looking away from Mom in the meantime. I voiced what I had been thinking about earlier: "I want to see and understand the outside world; to know what is going on out there. I don't want to simply live my entire life inside these Walls and then die as ignorant! Besides…" I frowned, remembering the aging woman and the crying Alpha soldier at the street. "If no one wants to pick up where they left off, the sacrifices of those who have lost their lives so far will have been in vain!"
"…I see." My father said, but his expression didn't change. Then, he stood up and grabbed his leathery medical bag. "My ship will depart soon. I must be on my way."
"Wait, dear!" Mom called after him, following him to the front door. "Talk some sense into Eren first!"
"Carla," Dad began as he put on his hat, keeping his tone calm and even. "a human's natural spirit of inquiry and curiosity isn't something that can be talked down." My mother looked like she wanted to say something more to that, but wasn't able to as right then my father turned to look back at me. "Eren, when I return, I'll show you the basement I've been keeping a secret."
As if to emphasise, he took out the golden key, which would open our basement door, from inside his shirt where it hung around his neck from a thin rope. I had never been allowed to go in the basement; no one in our family was aside from my father, and even he only went there when the rest of us were either asleep or out of the house. The best we'd had was seeing him come out of it sometimes. Therefore, I could hardly contain my excitement. "F-for real?"
Dad put away the key, much to my disappointment for I had been looking at it quite intently. It seemed to represent everything I desired from life right that moment, and it was painful to see it disappear inside his shirt once more. However, I didn't complain because I wanted to show him I was worth his trust and therefore grownup enough to see whatever he had been keeping hidden from all of us. Instead, I went to see him off to outside of our house, along with Mom and Mikasa, where I waved him goodbye until we could no longer see him.
However, as soon as he was gone, the joy and excitement I had felt disappeared as my mother spoke up again. "I won't allow it." I turned to look at her in surprise. "Only a fool would join the Scouting Legion."
"What? A fool?!" I hissed. "If you ask me, the people who are content with living like cattle seem way more stupid!" Tired of arguing about this, I ran off, not heeding my mother calling after me. She may be against it, and not having her support did kind of hurt, but in the end this was my life and I should be free to choose what I wanted to do with it. I had told her my views and that I knew what the risks were, and if that wasn't good enough for her, there was no point in me arguing further.
I wasn't sure where I was going, I wasn't even thinking about it because I was so angry and sad and disappointed. I merely mindlessly ran around the streets, tears prickling in my eyes even as I bit down at my lip so they wouldn't fall. However, at some point I turned a corner and spotted a familiar golden head by one of the houses of that particular street. To my further fury the boy whom that head belonged to wasn't alone. It actually looked like he was being forcefully held against the wall by those bigger boys.
Armin was being harassed again and I wasn't going to stand for it.
(Sweet Armin, bright Armin, wonderful Armin…although his ideas and thoughts, as well as him having been declared infertile as a side effect of the epidemic from some years ago, made him a target of harassment and cruel words, he was worth so much more than both he himself and those who hurt him ever imagined.
I loved him all my life…but in the end, I wasn't allowed to keep even him.)
Although Armin was an Omega and I was an Alpha, the two of us had been close friends since we were very little. He was the one who had first talked to me about the outside world, as he'd shared with me a book about it that his grandfather had owned. His parents had also gone to the outside world some years ago, but had never returned. So yes, I knew very well what I was risking in wanting to go outside the Walls. But if Armin hadn't let that cease him on his quest, neither would I. After all, we had made a promise we'd see the outside world together and I wasn't about to go back on my promise just because my mother didn't approve of it.
"Stop it right there!" I yelled at the bullies as I saw one of them, the one who had Armin cornered and was holding him in place by his collar, raise his fist, clearly preparing to hit my friend. I could see I had their attention now and that they had even taken battle stances with their fists held up. The rush of battle was beginning to course through my veins and I was ready to take them down; to take all my frustrations from what I'd seen and heard today out on them.
However, suddenly their faces began to pale and twist in what could only be described as unaltered fear and they began to run away, as if their lives depended on it. I was a bit disappointed I wouldn't get to fight them, but at the same time proud and triumphant they had been so afraid of my fury that it had made them run away crying to their mothers.
"Whoa, look at that! A mere look at me and they scurried away like rats!" I cheered as I reached Armin. Without the bigger Beta boys holding him up, his injuries had forced him into a sitting position against the wall. His cheek looked a bit swollen and his lip was split. It wasn't the worst I'd seen on him, but then again I couldn't be sure what he looked like underneath his clothes.
"They ran away when they saw Mikasa more like…" Armin mumbled, and indeed from the corner of my eye I could see my sister had followed me here. Figures she would've. She rarely let me out of her sight after all. Still, seeing Armin try and get up but wince in pain made me forget my disappointment over the fact that it hadn't been me the bullies had been scared of and that I hadn't got the chance to fight them.
"You okay, Armin?" I asked my friend, worried, as I offered him my hand to help him up. I hoped he wasn't hurt too badly since Dad had just left and therefore wouldn't be able to take a look at him.
Armin stared at my hand for a minute, an odd look overtaking his face. He looked as if he was having a hard time holding back tears. Was he really badly hurt after all? Was he in pain? I was just about to ask, when he said: "I don't need help to stand…"
"All right…" I mumbled back at him. Well, guess he wasn't too badly injured then. He did indeed manage to stand up by himself, although he had to take some support from the wall. I felt proud of him and his will not to give up.
...
The three of us headed to the river of the town where we tended to hang out, especially during the extreme heat of the summer months. Although summer was coming to an end, it felt comforting to be around the river as far to the autumn as possible. As the sun slowly began to decent in the sky, Armin told us what had caused the confrontation between him and those bullies this time around.
"…and when I then said that humankind would eventually have to go outside, they finally began to beat me, calling me a heretic again."
"Dammit." I hissed, angry at my friend's behalf. To calm myself, I picked up a spare rock from the ground and threw it into the river, imagining it to be Armin's harassers. "Why does simply mentioning you'd like to get out turn everyone against us?"
"Well, it's been peaceful to live inside these Walls for the past hundred years. They might be let inside if people recklessly try to go outside, so the King's government has declared that manifesting any interest in the outside world as forbidden." Armin stared at the water as he said this, and the light at its surface reflected in his big blue eyes.
I huffed. "It's our own lives we're risking. Therefore it should be our own choice to make."
"I think you should forget about it." Mikasa remarked. "I won't let you go through with this."
"Which reminds me," I stated, turning to her. "I can't believe you tattled to our parents!"
As Armin made a noise of surprise, Mikasa said: "I don't remember saying I'd help you keep it a secret."
"S-so…how did it go?" Armin queried softly.
"W-well…they weren't too happy about it."
Armin sighed. "So I figured. It is dangerous out there after all. But…" a gentle breeze flew through, fluttering all our hairs, as well as moving the scattered leaves on the ground and the clouds far above, almost creating an illusion of freedom, of flying. "Truth to be told, I do think that those who believe the Walls will forever keep us safe need to face reality. Although the Walls have been intact for the past 100 years, there is nothing that can guarantee they won't be broken down someday…even today…"
Armin's words caused me to gulp and nervous sweat to break out on my skin. I didn't have too long to think about what exactly that meant, though.
Suddenly, it simply felt like a lightning had stuck from the clear sky right on us. It made the whole district of Shiganshina tremble and shake so violently that the three of us were thrown off our balance. I felt distorted, dizzy and confused, but the three of us regardless somehow made it back on our feet. Still, something felt different about the air; everything was tenser somehow. But why?
"Wh-what was that?" Armin voiced what we were all thinking, the one most clear-headed in all situations as usual.
"An explosion? Or an earthquake?" I suggested. However, Armin's attention was elsewhere already, namely in the people we could see beyond one small opening between two houses. They were all looking up at the Wall it seemed, some of them even pointing, as if seeing something unusual there. They were also murmuring and guessing amongst themselves what had happened. Armin, without saying a word, began to hurry over there as well and me and Mikasa followed after him. I didn't know what was happening, but I had a feeling it wasn't anything good and I didn't want him to go there all by himself. Besides, I also wanted to find out what those others were seeing; perhaps it could give us a clue to what was going on.
Armin had stopped by the time we reached him again, and his face was tilted upwards, looking at the Wall just like everyone else. He looked frozen, statue-like, his eyes wide with shock and his face paler than ever. His thin shoulders were shaking a little with fear. "Armin, what is going on?" I queried, slowly beginning to turn my head towards where his eyes were focused. "What are you looking—?"
My words froze in my mouth as I finally witnessed what had everyone so shocked. From behind the Wall, a huge cloud of smoke was reaching for the sky, but that wasn't the shocking or the frightening part. What seemed to be the source of the smoke was an enormous, red, entirely skinless hand that was touching and holding onto the top of the Wall, gripping it so tight that parts of the Wall were coming loose.
"It can't be…!" Armin murmured, once more voicing what all of us must be thinking. "Th-that Wall is…fifty meters tall!"
I could feel my own body freeze in shock and fear as well, but I couldn't stop looking at that hand. "It's them…" I whispered, as if in a trance. In the meantime, a face just as enormous as the hand before it slowly appeared over the Wall, managing to just and just edge over it so that its chin could rest on the top. Just like with the hand, there was absolutely no skin on the face, and we could all see its white joints and red muscle tissue. It also had sunken small dark eyes and a huge mouth, where we could clearly see all its teeth due to the lack of proper lips and other coverage. The mouth was twisted in a sick, leering grin as if it took joy out of the fear it caused upon us. "It's the Titans!"
What came next happened very quickly and in a blur. The Titan began to move, with all our eyes glued onto its form. We didn't know what to expect or have time to react; all we could do was to keep staring at it. Then out of nowhere, there was a huge crash at the Wall, which forced us to cover our ears because the noise was so loud that it caused us pain, followed by a gigantic flash of air spreading right into Shiganshina from the front gate. People were tossed by the sudden air current, and the rocks that had come loose from the gate and the Wall surrounding it flew all over. There were screams of helplessness, pain and fear all around us as the air shattered the windows and the rocks crushed the buildings and the people as they landed.
As the dust from the blow began to clear, the Titan's head also disappeared behind the Wall again. Yet we could also see the hole which had been made into the Wall. The Titan had kicked the front gate off!
Accompanied by ominous heavy footsteps, we also soon enough bore witness to a 10-meter class Titan, who stomped inside with face frozen in an eerie smile. If people had been scared before, their fright now turned into simple panic and survival instinct as they all began to run and hurry to get as far away from the incoming Titans as possible and towards the gates leading into Wall Maria.
I could vaguely hear Armin say something about the three of us needing to hurry and get away too, but I felt like I was trapped inside water or was half-asleep, still inside my trance-like state where it seemed like all my senses had become numb. Even in the midst of all chaos, I had managed to see one of the many rocks fly towards where my house was located. By simple instinct, I began to tumble towards it. I had to see for myself, I had to go look for Mom and warn her…I couldn't just leave her behind!
I sped off into a run, not caring even when I nearly collided with some of the escaping people. If my senses had been numbed down before, they now felt hypersensitive and I felt like I could hear every single cry people made in this town I had grown up in. I passed half-corpses who had been crushed by the debris and I could smell the iron-like scent of blood that mixed with the dust in the air.
Our house is definitely safe, I reassured myself as I ran, even as cold fear rushed through my veins. No doubt Mom at least escaped safely. I was reaching the corner which would take us to the street our house was located on. Once I'd make that turn, I would certainly see it there, intact as always…
However, just like earlier with the Scouting Legion, my hopes of what I would see were quickly dashed. One of the bigger rocks had fallen right on top of our house, having crushed the roof and left it in pieces and rubble. "Mom!" I yelled desperately as I continued to run towards my home anyway.
Only now did I truly notice that Mikasa had followed me, but for once I was grateful for that. Together we began to move some of the spare pieces of wood, calling for Mom all the while as we looked for her in the mess. Thankfully, she soon emerged from underneath, but that was the only good piece of news there were. She was covered from waist down by the remains of our house. She was conscious though and spoke my name.
"Mikasa, you hold that side!" I yelled at my sister, getting to the other side of Mom without even putting too much thought into it. All I knew right now was that we had to get her out from underneath all that as soon as possible and then escape this town together before the Titans could get to us. "We need to move this pillar away!" Mikasa didn't say anything in return, just grabbed the pillar that was holding our mother down with me. We began to try and lift it together at the same time, but it didn't seem to budge even an inch.
The ominous thumping of the Titans' footsteps reached my ears, and I looked into the distance to see there were now multiple ones in Shiganshina, some of them fairly close to our house. If they reached us before we could get her out, we would all be done for!
"Hurry, Mikasa!" I yelled as I began to try and lift the pillar again.
"I know!" My sister replied, a crack of alarm in her usually calm tone as she did her best to help me.
In the meantime, our mother was looking around herself by what little she could, and listening to the sounds as well. "The Titans…they've entered the town haven't they?" She mumbled, mostly probably to herself. Then, she raised her voice while looking at me. "Eren, take Mikasa with you and run away! Now!"
I didn't let go of the pillar, even as fear and desperation began to creep up my spine and take over, forming tears in my eyes. "I wanna run too! So hurry up and come out of there already!" I tried to desperately hold onto the pillar even though it was hurting my hands, partly because of the weight and partly because I had cut myself on the uneven sharp wood. All the pain was causing my grip to start loosening and my hands to slip.
Even as her eyes were shining with her own tears, my mother softly spoke: "My legs have been crushed by the debris. Even if I did get out of here I wouldn't be able to run." Tears were beginning to blur my vision and I was shivering from terror and denial. "You understand that, right?"
"I'll take you on my shoulders, then!" I screamed from the bottom of my throat, even as tears began to slowly spill over and I was starting to lose hope despite myself. But I had to keep on believing, because if I didn't I wouldn't have anything left to hang onto in this situation and I would most likely lose my ability to do anything. I would freeze, unable to act, even as I would eventually be devoured, probably.
My mother's tears were beginning to spill over to on her cheeks as well. "Why can't you ever listen to me? You could at least fulfil my last wish!" Her voice was becoming raw and broken from crying and yelling. Even Mikasa was crying now, hanging her head so that her black hair fell around her head like a dark curtain, as if meant just for hiding her tears, her sorrow, her emotions. "Mikasa, please…!"
"No…no!" Mikasa simply mumbled, as she kept on trying to lift the pillar, even as she wept. I couldn't be sure if she was too exhausted or if she couldn't get her voice to work or if she just felt like that one word relayed enough about what she was feeling, but all she could say was just that one word. She kept repeating it over and over as we kept putting our backs to our work, both of us crying and afraid but refusing to give up and leave our mother there alone. We continued even as the two of us could clearly see an enormous Titan approaching, not at all far from us, coming closer with every step it took.
Our mother must've heard the thumping, ominous footsteps the Titan made, and started to realise how close we all were to our possible end if we didn't escape soon, because she said: "Please, just get out of here! Otherwise, the three of us will…"
Right then, the familiar whirring sound of the 3D Manoeuvre Gear cables reached our ears and Mikasa and I briefly turned to see Hannes land just a few meters away. As he detached the anchors of his wires from the nearby tower, he hopped the last few steps over to us.
"Hannes!" Mom called, her voice filling with a bit of hope, and that hope for a moment reached me as well. I may not have thought much of Hannes or his drunkard ways, but he felt he owed a debt to my family. Maybe he could at least buy us a little bit of time to get Mom out and escape with her? Just killing that one Titan approaching would be enough for me! But then, Mom dashed my hopes by pleading him to take Mikasa and me away rather than fight. I was about to argue, but Hannes beat me to it.
"Don't take me so lightly, Carla. I'll kill that Titan and make sure to save all three of you!" I mentally thanked him as me and Mikasa continued to pull at the pillar and Hannes stood from where he'd been crouching to talk to Mom, hurrying off to fight the Titan. I could hear him unleashing one of his switch blades from its container, but for now I hardly paid it a mind, focusing on trying to release our mother, even as she yelled after Hannes, trying to stop him from fighting the Titan with face seemingly frozen in a very eerie, sick, gigantic smile that revealed all of its razor-sharp teeth and even much of its gums. Even I had to admit it was horrifying to look at.
Nothing, however, happened to the Titan. Instead, before I had time to grasp it fully, Hannes had returned to us. He grabbed both Mikasa and me, even as we were still trying to remove the debris from on top of Mom, lifting me up on his left shoulder and carrying Mikasa under his right arm.
I kicked and punched him, trying to make him let go of me. "Hey, Hannes! What the hell are you doing?!" I screamed, even as Hannes began to run away from our house, the Titan and Mom.
Mom looked at peace though and whispered her thanks to Hannes. I only knew her words because I could read them on her lip, being carried in a way that I still saw what we were leaving behind. Hannes probably hadn't even heard her words.
"Mom is still trapped in there!" I screamed in protest as I looked at her, trying in vain to convince Hannes to turn around and go back for her.
Mom reached out her hand to us, and seemed to use the last of her strength to scream: "Eren! Mikasa! Live on!" I reached out my own hand, as if hoping that I could grab her outstretched one in mine and pull her to me by some magnetic force. But nothing happened; we just kept on going further and further away from her as her form became smaller with every passing second. Still, I kept on watching even as fear and despair as well as realisation of what was about to happen caused my mother to break down and cry properly, her entire face getting covered in tears. They twinkled in the soft light. She covered her mouth with her free hand, as if to keep her sobs in, even though I didn't see the point of doing that. I doubted her cries would've been loud enough to lure the Titans any closer than they already were. As much it horrified me to see it, I couldn't turn my eyes away even as the Titan finally reached our house, began to dig into the rubble and lifted Mom out from it as if she was just a rag doll and weighted nothing, almost as if making a mockery of all our efforts to try and save her from the debris that the Titan had removed so easily. All I could do was scream as loud as I could for the Titan to stop, but of course it didn't, even as my mother put up a fight and tried to hit the fist that was holding her captive with her own, comparatively tiny ones. The Titan simply twisted at her middle, and I could almost hear the cracking sound her spine made as it shattered and she became limp in the huge fist. Yet I couldn't turn my eyes away, seemingly frozen and forced to watch as the enormous monster opened its huge mouth and bit my mother in half, causing her blood to spill everywhere – in the air and on the Titan's lips and chest.
I seemed to become numb, unable to move a muscle, only sitting on Hannes' shoulder, looking at the direction where my house had been, even after I could no longer see it. It becoming smaller and eventually disappearing from my view was the only indication that existed that moment which told me we were still moving towards the inner gate. Even as Titans kept entering the city and people kept dying and screaming in fear, all I could do was to replay that sight of my mother being devoured in my mind over and over.
At some point, I eventually came to my senses and I could smell the smoke and the dust in the air, feel the remains of tears in my eyes, hear life disappear around me into the mouths of the Titans. We were already pretty far away from where we had left, approaching the inner gate by the minute. Realising this caused a fire of rage burn within me as it reminded me of whom we had just left behind, and I took it out on the person who I blamed for that and who was an easy target anyway, seeing as I was being carried by him still. So I, without thinking about it much, punched Hannes at the back of his head.
"Eren, what the–" He started, ceasing to run, but I didn't let him finish.
"A little longer and we could've saved Mom!" I screamed, a new set of tears breaking out in my eyes, stinging and blurring my vision. "Don't think I'm going to thank you for this!" I punched him on the top of his head this time.
"Get a hold of yourself!" Hannes yelled back at me, surprisingly calmly, as he grabbed my arm while my fist was still resting on the top of his head, throwing me down on the ground.
"Eren." Hannes then said to me, slowly approaching me to where I had landed. I had sat up quickly, not wanting to seem weak like him. "You weren't able to save your mother…" he crouched to my level. "because you didn't have enough strength to do so."
His words seemed to mock my efforts, my loss and my grief. So, ignited by another wave of rage, I tried to punch him in the face. "But I…" He said, grabbing the wrist of my struggling arm that was still attempting to reach and hurt him. I could now hear the sorrow in his tone, see the grief and regret darken his face, but it didn't lessen my fury. "I couldn't face that Titan…because I simply didn't have enough courage to do so!" Tears spilled over to his cheeks, and that, along with his words, ceased my struggling and fury, leaving room to only sorrow and pity as the two of us cried, eyes locked.
I seemed to become numb again, not reacting all that much even as Hannes stood up and began to lead me and Mikasa away again, this time slower and holding our hands rather than by carrying us. "Forgive me…" Hannes mumbled as the three of us walked towards the inner gate, but I hardly heard him; his words were ringing in my ears, unable to think of anything else. As humans we were so pathetic…either lacking the strength or the courage to defend ourselves against the Titans. That was why Mom was gone, why she had died in such a brutal way, why this city had been lost…
Hannes led us through the inner gate to the escape boats that would take us further into Wall Maria. The docks were filled with people who were also trying to get away, but I hardly noticed them even as Hannes made sure we were able to get on the boat. Exhaustion took over and Mikasa and me sat down on the boat floor, leaning our backs against the wall of its indoor cabin. Around us I could vaguely hear people mumbling in disbelief or praying in fear.
The ship was getting full and the Garrison soldiers took away the wooden plank leading from the land to the boat. This raised protests amongst the people who hadn't fit on the boat, but I could barely hear them begging to be let on. Even as some tried to jump on board, I could hardly care.
I felt the boat tremble underneath me as it began to move forward in order to escape the hellhole the place I had been born and raised in had become. The cannons firing at the Titans could be heard even over the Wall, reminding us all how close they were, how easily they could still come and snatch us. The gate separating Shiganshina from Wall Maria was still open, but just as we began to leave, it started to close. I quietly hoped everyone still alive had made it onto this side.
Then, suddenly, I could again hear those ominous, heavy footsteps. They couldn't be too far because I could hear them so clearly, and that, and how fast they sounded, seemed to somewhat break me out of my shell-shocked trance. I looked up in surprise, as if hoping I'd be able to see the source. I should've thought the steps wouldn't be able to reach this side, but what had happened so far hadn't left me feeling very optimistic. I felt like I knew this wasn't it somehow, that this wasn't all we were going to lose today, to suffer from today. Something was still to come. I didn't know what yet, but I knew that it wasn't going to be anything good.
It came faster than I'd thought. Another Titan, this one with huge skin-coloured muscles attached to each other by red joints, soulless eyes, strong-looking two-part jaw and pale blond short hair on tops of its head, seemingly burst through the closing gate, shattering it much like the 60-meter tall Titan had done with our hometown's gate only around an hour earlier. Except that this Titan was definitely smaller, so it seemed like it had run and punched the gate into tiny pieces, rushing through to its other side in the process. The few soldiers keeping watch with their cannons on this side were blown away by the strength of the attack, but my eyes were so focused on the Titan that I didn't look where they'd landed or if they were still alive.
The Titan had braked with its feet into a halt, and a layer of dust was gathering around it in the air. It opened its mouth and breathed out, its breath hot enough to cause a puff of smoke. It was all so quiet, almost serene, no other sound than the nearby windmills creaking could be heard. It was almost as if no one dared to even breathe during that moment.
Finally, someone on the boat murmured, as if thinking out loud: "It busted through…Wall Maria…?"
Someone else joined them: "It's all over now…" I could hear the fear and the tears in their voice. "The Titans will devour us all…"
Tears rose into the corners of my eyes as well, but not so much out of fear than out of sorrow. For me, this was the end in another way. If it had been just Shiganshina that had been lost today, perhaps it could've been regained sometime soon and we could've returned home, but now…the whole of Wall Maria would be lost. Our home was no more, our house was no more. Mom…was no more. I would never be able to go back to what things had been like just this morning.
Why did I have to spend the last moments of normalcy with my mother fighting with her? Why had we wasted our time on such worthless disputes? Why had I been so immature and stubborn to the end? Now I would never be able to see her again, to apologise, to say I appreciated everything she had done for me…to say "I love you"…
I stared down at my hand as my tears dropped drown onto it, seeing all the cuts and scrapes I had got from the wood trying to pull Mom out from under there. It served as a reminder that I had been too weak to save her. No, it wasn't just me. All of us humans were weak right now. And because of that…we could do nothing but cry?
Hannes' words echoed in my head. "You didn't have enough strength."
"Become stronger", in other words?
Thinking that seemed to light something in me once more. I closed my damaged hand around the single teardrop that had fallen down onto it, and sniffed in to stop the flow of more tears coming out. Resolved, I stood up, held my back straight and walked over to the edge of the boat. "I'll wipe them out…" I determinedly hissed under my breath. "I'll erase their existence from this world…until not a single one is left anymore!"
With this thought in my heart and these words on my lips, I watched as the places I had known all my life disappeared around me as the escape boat carried all of us into whatever new life was waiting for us in Wall Rose.
