Ok here's chapter two! I'm kind of putting this here blind, as even with over a hundred people reading this only one has been lovely enough to review it, I don't know if any one likes it or not!! Subtle hint... Pleading smile... flutters eye lashes...
Anyhoo, chapter two. Same disclaimer as before, still not mine.
My apologies for having to use dotty lines instead of paragraph spaces and to indicate change of setting etc, but I can never convince ffnet to upload things how I originally type them, all my spacing always comes undone. Sob. Any hints anyone?
So, enjoy. Or not. Maybe it's really really bad and you're all just letting me post more to see how terrible it gets...panic! I don't know. :(
And they say Snape is paranoid.
Back to the dungeons...
CHAPTER TWO
........As the head left, Snape turned around and made his way to his desk. Unsure as to what to do with himself he decided that he would test just what he could do and what would need thinking about. He wasn't one for festering, he had always just got on with it, learning at a young age that wallowing in self pity or thought never resulted in anything other than a thick ear. If you were faced with a problem then you had better get on with it and sort it out, waiting for help which would never come was a pointless waste of time. And, besides, as he'd known what had been done to him he had spent only a small number of hours mourning for his loss before spending the rest coming up with strategies and contemplating the future. Or lack of it as he had rashly decided at one point before mentally slapping himself. So he had decided to face his latest 'problem' like any other he had experienced and he sat in his chair and re-acquainted himself with his desk. Everything had been its place for years and the lack of personnel items was a bonus he decided with an ironic smirk. The result of an obsessively tidy owner, the desk was exactly as he could see it in his mind. He suddenly remembered the elf and decided to put it to work, sending it out to find a note taking quill, he knew there were some around as he often took them from students, seeing them as a form of cheating. Sitting back, he let his mind go over the exact layout of his room, then the classroom and his office. He had been here for so long now that they were firmly engraved on his mind, and he was completely confident that he could negotiate them easily. Deciding against just sitting waiting for the return of the irritatingly boundless energy that was a house elf he thought to test himself further. He crossed to his stores and happily breathed in the smell that was all its own and immensely comforting. Reaching up he selected a shelf. He had devised his own storage system years ago and stuck to it religiously ever since, often finding vials in the dark, mind too full of mixing and blending to summon a 'lumos'. He got the first vile down, decided what it should be and sniffed. Correct. 10, 15, 20 vials later and still correct. Of course. Growing tired of this game, he took to thinking of a random ingredient and through gentle exploration, long pale fingers gliding delicately over vials and jars, finding it. Again, 15, 20, 30 times, all right. He really wasn't surprised by anything other than the rush of relief it brought. The itch to brew was annoying him after days of forced in-activity but he steeled himself, wanting to be certain he could control a flame first, manage its heat and height. How, he wasn't quite sure and that thought made him a little nervous, the first thing he had been nervous about since this happened he thought, analytically. But there would be a way and when he found it he would feel like himself again, a Potions Master. Settling for another cup of tea and waiting for that blasted Elf he settled into an easy chair by the fire Dumbledore had re-lit and began mentally listing the properties of the plants to be found in the Forbidden Forest just to keep his mind from wandering onto other subjects.
………………………
......"So, how is he?"
"Fine Minerva, fine."
"So why the worried face? Anyone would think you found him crying hysterically into his pillow!"
"That I could understand! A little emotion, be it anger, fear, depression, any of these would be normal! This just seems to have made him more cool and self-possessed. Even less receptive to kindness than before, and I thought we had come so far on that front…"
"Listen to yourself Albus. All those emotions, emotions at all, just aren't the norm for him. You know his history, his 'problems'… It's obvious this is going to make him put his walls back up. What's the first thing Severus does when he is in any way hurt or frightened, even as a child here?"
"Hide…"
"Exactly. This will be making him hurt in many ways, I assure you, but he won't lock himself away from you for long. Just wait for him."
"It is hard to not help."
"I know. But he would only see it as interference. You know how frightfully proud and independent he is."
"True. I see your point. I fully expect him to cope with this as he does everything else he has had to. I only hope he asks for help when he needs to."
"I'm sure he will. Of you at any rate."
"I'm not so sure. I don't want him to think he's alone down there. I want at least two visits from different staff each day,"
"He'll see through it Albus…"
"I know I know. And I shall attempt to draw him out of his rooms."
"He will see it as an intrusion. Weakness on his part to accept it."
"I shall be… careful. I am worried he will hide away and become a recluse…"
"Even more than before you mean, he's not exactly a socialite…"
"No, but I will run the gauntlet of his dreaded sarcasm."
"You are a brave man, Albus Dumbledore!"
"Indeed."
…………………………….
........"Remus, a word?" the Headmaster caught Lupin as he went past his office door, and waved him up the stairs. "About Severus…"
"How is he?"
"As expected. Or not, depending on if you know the boy…" Dumbledore shook himself back to the present. "I don't want him to be shut off. He should not be alone. You are finished with the Werewolves? I understand that their allegiances are set?"
"Unfortunately so."
"So you have a place to go?"
"Well, not exactly. I was wandering, with it being the holidays…"
"Excellent! I shall have guest quarters made up this afternoon!"
Lupin smiled warmly at the beaming old man, he had been at a loss as to where to go, Grimmauld Place holding too many memories, and he loved being able to call the school home regardless of how short lived it may be.
"You and Severus never really got on at school did you?"
"Um, well, after that night, no. I wish we could have. These past years I have wished we could talk, he is an interesting man."
"That he is. Maybe you could talk now…"
"Oh, I don't know how he would feel about that. I think he's not going to forgive me for a long while for seeing him in that cellar."
"Remember, anger and rudeness are often only a front for people's fear and shame. He will forgive, but you probably shouldn't expect a thank you. Just yet. We can work on that!"
"We?"
"Minerva and I will be visiting him every day, running the gauntlet with his certain annoyance. There is a secret to dealing with Severus, be entirely honest and certain about what you are doing, don't take no as an answer, but in the most friendly way you can. He can not resist a good twinkling at, I developed this optical ability whilst dealing with him, and you lot, when you were children you know. And don't expect anything from him. Scintillating conversation is doubtful, cursing and threats a cert, but he will come round and is worth the wait. I think he would appreciate your friendship, though he may never tell you."
"Sir, I don't know, he really has a hang up about me."
"Then it's high time it stopped. Personally I think it is a front and you are a strong enough man to cope with him. This is the perfect opportunity. You have free time, the Order has no immediate work for you and he is certainly not spying again. Go talk to him. With him if you are lucky. Remember Remus, twinkle!"
"Um, he can't see 'twinkle' anymore…"
"Ah, a practiced twinkle can be heard and felt too."
Lupin sighed, and stood to leave;
"Why do I feel more nervous about this then trying to negotiate with semi-feral Werewolves…?"
"You'll do fine. Let me know how you get on, I shall have quarters waiting by this evenings meal. Thank you Remus."
..................
............It was mid afternoon of the next day when Professor R J Lupin knocked, slightly nervously, on the heavy wooden door of Snape's personal rooms in the dungeons. He had looked in the classroom which had been empty and which he had found to be eerily creepy. He was glad he didn't have rooms down here. Unsure as to how Snape was going to react to his visit, as although he had always liked the other as both a man and child and thought of him as almost a friend, he was well aware of their history and was not convinced the feeling was reciprocated. Raising his hand to knock again, the door opened a foot and a slightly annoyed looking Potions Master appeared. His eyes narrowed as he said;
"Yes?"
"Severus…" said Lupin, unsure as to how to continue, trying his hardest to twinkle audibly
"Lupin." the man snarled, before remembering the head's 'advice' and he forced himself to relax visibly and opened the door a little wider. "To what do I owe this…pleasure?"
"Oh, nothing really. I was just passing…"
"People do not 'just pass' the dungeons Lupin."
"No, I mean, I was just wandering how you were" 'God this is hard work' he thought. "Thought I'd drop by…" his voice trailed off, courage failing, and as he let his eyes drop to the floor they passed over the hand holding the door open "Severus! Your hand! What have you done?!" he reached out and grabbed the hand to look closer at the red welts he had just noticed were covering the back of it, making Snape yank it out of his grasp and take a couple of panicked steps backwards. Lupin looked up and caught the look of fear on Snape's face as he did so. 'No, not fear' he thought, 'terror. I'm supposed to be being nice and I'm scaring him!' he mentally kicked himself. By the time he thought this the look had passed and the emotionless mask was back in place, though he still held his hand behind him, hidden. Lupin entered the room and pushed the door to behind himself. "Sorry Severus, my fault. Didn't mean to startle you."
"You didn't. I just wasn't expecting you to hold my hand so literally that's all." was the sneered reply.
"Hrmph. Let me see it. What happened?"
Snape, realising he was trapped, reluctantly held his hand out. Before Lupin could look, the cauldron, unseen by both men in the corner, started to boil, producing a thin whistling sound. Snape snatched his hand away, and hurried towards it. He cautiously went to its side and selected a wooden spoon from the rack on the wall near by. He stirred it very precisely, first one way then the other. Remembering Lupin he offered an explanation;
"I had a little trouble finding a way to achieve a constant height and temperature of a flame, and got a little too close to one. Some methods proved a little…un stable" as if this were completely normal. "I caught my hand on one. Foolish really."
"I'm stunned Severus." 'A lot more than stunned' he thought, 'Amazed. In awe. A little scared.' Out loud he added; "What are you brewing?"
"I hadn't intended to brew anything. Not yet. It was an experiment really to pass the time. But needs be and all… A skin replenishing potion. I stopped the burning, but I can feel blisters forming and I'm sure Madam Pomfrey would love that."
"Make her day." Lupin chuckled gently "You are quite the naughty child in her eyes, leaving so suddenly."
"Exactly." They sat in only a slightly awkward silence as Lupin watched the almost hypnotic stirring of the spoon. "Is it nearly done?" he asked to break his revere.
"Five more minutes. The smoke smells the correct shade of green…" Nearly a question, but more of a statement.
"Yes" said Lupin with a smile.
"As expected."
"Well, I'll get some tea made. I may as well hang around…"
"Tea?" asked Snape, sharply. "Have you something further to discuss? I assumed the Headmaster would send people down to check up on me, but, tea?"
"Yes, tea. And anyway, regardless of Albus's request, I volunteered. Like it or not you're my friend Severus" A muttered 'since when' answered that and was duly ignored, "and I was worried about you. It's what friend's do." he added cheerily.
"Really." said a very dry Snape. "How lovely. Next you'll expect buns."
"Sorry?"
"Nothing."
"And they apply skin potion to their other friends hand…"
"Oh most un- necessary."
"and don't take no for an answer!" Allowing himself to be beaten just this once Snape sighed and mentally prepared himself as he summoned the Elf. As he listened to the manic clanking that was Dobby, he realised rather unexpectedly that he was secretly very glad of the company and diversion that Lupin was. Despite choosing to spend a lot of his time alone, he had never enjoyed being lonely, something which the past couple of days had been with no staff meals or students, and with it came the creeping feeling of vulnerability which being alone brought now, a feeling he was not used to. Thankfully a feeling quickly squashed by keeping busy. Feeling Lupins eyes on him, he fetched glass vials from his stores to bottle the potion. Lithe fingers carefully setting a funnel in the first one, then finding a ladle and slowly filling it up. Lupins eyes never left him, and he knew a 'report' would be given to Dumbledore. Lupin, on his part, could not help but watch. Seeing the Potions Masters face change from snide sneer to utter concentration was in itself fascinating. He noted that although Snape was doing everything slowly and very precisely, the vials being filled to well below their limits, everything was being done to perfection. Not a drop spilt. The Werewolf couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. Instantly the scowl returned and angry, accusing black eyes flashed at Lupin.
"What Lupin?" Snape was sure he had made no blunder, he had everything planned exactly, but the small spark of fear he had of mistakes crept up on him, forcing a pink flush to creep up from his high collar. "Something…amusing?"
"No no Severus! I am, and please don't take this the wrong way, stunned!"
Confusion clouded Snape's face. "Stunned?"
"Yes. Albus said you were coping very well…" Snape began to look uncomfortable at the direction of the conversation so Lupin pressed on quickly, "and to be honest, we all thought you would. But you have me amazed. Most men would still be in the hospital wing, learning how to put their socks on the right feet. But you, you're here, brewing potions as if nothing has happened. I am in complete awe of you, Severus Snape, completely."
Snape was unsure how to respond to this, however the words were not lost on him and secretly pleased him. He responded in a voice that Lupin thought sounded almost sad.
"Nothing has changed, Lupin. I assure you, I am only being practical. Potions are what I do and what I know. After sorting out a few… practicalities, there should be no reason why anything should change. What is done is done and cannot be changed, nothing is to be gained from dwelling on it." he added almost as an after thought, and very quietly, "And I do not need sight to brew." In his mind he added; 'and what would you think of me if I told you I had to brew, to keep brewing, because if I stopped and thought about it I'd probably loose it. What if I told you I dreaded sleeping, the constant nightmares, waking up to nothing, or how I dread leaving the dungeons, just thinking of the great hall with its hundreds of children makes me feel ill… how awed then? No, just report that I am doing fine…'
"Well, still Severus. In awe. Now, that hand. And no arguing!" As Snape slid onto a chair near Lupin, the other man began to apply the warm balm. Gently. And talking his way through it so as not to re-startle him. Acknowledging that while he may be in awe, his 'friend' was making a great effort to 'look after him' (slight scowl at that thought, noted by Lupin and in turn noted by Snape,) he was, though it surprised himself, thankful. Knowing Lupin will have thought the scowl aimed at him, he attempted to reassure the man, something which did not come easy. In a quiet voice he dead panned;
"Socks have a correct footing?" Lupin looked up, shocked, and began to chuckle which, by the time the hand was finished, became a full blown giggling fit. Sighing with feigned annoyance, Snape began to feel his way round the table and poured the tea.
……………………..
........Over the course of the next week, Snape's solitary acclimatisation was interrupted by many and varied visitors. All the teaching staff stopped by in varying degrees of awkwardness, some, like Hagrid came with forced cheerfulness and overly pungent flowers, others, namely Trelawney, sobbed and generally left the room in a state of deep depression which he tried to shrug off as being un-helpful. Rather quickly the flow dwindled until it was only Lupin, Dumbledore and McGonagall, all three sharing their pleasant surprise at his ability to adapt and cope, and all three secretly sure it was a cover. However, only Dumbledore was brave enough to approach him about it, McGonagall claiming not to know the man enough and Lupin was enjoying the new acceptance of his friendship and the sharing of pots of tea too much to jeopardise it with interrogations, however well intended.
And so, after ten days of meetings between himself, Lupin and McGonagall, ten days in which Snape had shunned nearly all attempts at having visitors and Lupin had been turned away with a hasty;
"I'm brewing be gone!", it was Dumbledore who steeled himself for the possible angry response to his probing who had ever so quietly neutralised the alert wards, who had slipped into the potions classroom and sat on a bench at the back, and who was feeling very pleased with himself to have caught the younger wizard with his guard down, something very unusual indeed. He watched the scene before him, realising after a minute of confusion, what was happening. The Potions Master had, Dumbledore knew, greeted his first years with the same welcoming entrance every year he had worked here, they all talked about it for the first week of September, and now he was practising the well known routine. Snape, adamant to maintain his feared reputation, was slamming the door behind himself, storming to his lectern and, with a billow of cloaks, swirling around to face the would be gently cowering children. After the fifth run through, he added his little speech, at the "even to stopper death", Dumbledore felt a shiver go all the way up his back and was glad he wasn't eleven. When finished he visibly relaxed, slid into the seat behind his desk and, sighing, resting his head in his hands. Dumbledore spoke, although very quietly so as to not startle the man, but he still leapt up hand reaching instinctively for his wand and upturning his chair. Dumbledore kept his voice low and lightly said;
"You certainly had me scared. If I were a first year I wouldn't know whether to run, cry, or applaud!"
"Headmaster…" came the relieved reply.
"Severus." The older man made his way to where Snape was still standing, "Please," he levitated the chair upright, "sit down. I just wanted a chat." Both men sat and the head studied Snape's face. "How are you Severus?"
"Fine." A little too quick. Dumbledore decided to push, even if only to get his head bitten off.
"Really? Everything is…good?" Something in that voice had always gone straight to Snape's soul, instantly bypassing his vicious defence mechanisms and stolid masks. Ever since he was a scared twelve year old, having his mind searched in an attempt to explain away the various scars and injuries collected over school holidays. Dumbledore had got his explanations, and having convinced Severus of the fact that he would keep him safe, gone on to became a surrogate family, best friend and mentor to the boy. Something which nearly thirty years had only deepened. "Only I am worried about you," It was that voice which had gently reassured when shamefully uncovering his left arm for the first time, "I'm not so sure you are fine," The same voice which often probed for reasons behind his constant fear and anger as both a child, and then later on as a Death Eater returning from meetings, got the reasons, quite a feat with such a skilled Occulmans, and still told him he was loved. The same voice, which only days ago had gently reached through the screaming in his mind caused by a long enough exposure to the Cruciatus to sever his optic nerves beyond repair. He could hide nothing from that voice when Dumbledore wanted it and used that damned voice. Damn.
"I am just…." Snape shuddered as he replied,
"Yes?" so gentle
"A little worried…"
"Go on."
"Whilst I feel entirely confident in my abilities as a potions brewer, and am happy at the prospect of teaching again" (slight lie Dumbledore noticed) "I have to admit a certain amount of…trepidation… at the thought of leaving my rooms. The corridors themselves are not so intimidating; after all, you can only end up at certain number of places." He paused, and when he continued, it was in a rush, glad to be telling someone but needing to do it quickly before his courage (or weakness, he wandered later,) failed him.
"But the Great Hall, all those tables, chairs, children. All moving. And the stairways, constantly shifting… I find myself…" he stumbled for a word, at which point the Headmaster took one of the long, cold hands in his, completely dissolving what small amount of self restraint Snape had kept hold of. He reluctantly admitted; "Albus, I am terrified." The head gently squeezed the hand and resisted the urge to hug him, deciding that to get this much feeling from him was a small miracle, and to push it might earn him any of many interesting hexes.
"Severus…thank you for telling me. Now we can do something about it."
"We?"
"Yes, we. Have I not told you before many times that you are not alone here! One day you may actually believe me. Now," he stood, still holding the hand, "if you have quite finished stomping dramatically around like a giant bat," the familiar nickname brought a small smile to Snape's lips, "I think a spot of tea will do us good." He released the hand and watched the now relaxed face of his friend become once again serious concentration as he recalled the floor plan of his classroom.
"After you, Severus." With a nod of his head Snape strode smoothly between the rows of desks, out of the door and towards his quarters.
Later that evening, following an edited briefing by the head, Lupin arrived at the dark wood door of a slightly 'agitated by the thoughts of the great hall' Potions Master at what had become the normal time for a pot of tea and, for reasons Lupin had never fathomed, sticky buns which the other never ate, merely claiming them to be 'necessary'. This was to be the first full moon since the sociable evenings had expanded to include most nights of the week and he felt somewhat sad about the forced exile he placed himself under for the curse to run its course. He and Severus had had what his parents would have called a 'heated debate' about the fact the Severus dare not brew the Wolfsbane just yet, as only a small slip could have left the werewolf poisoned. Lupin had insisted it did not matter, that obviously he had not expected it, but Snape had kept on and on until Lupin had left, not wanting to row this close to the moon. Now, the second transformation since they had become friends was bearing down on him, and although Snape had spent quite some time on the potion, he had not brewed a batch he considered safe enough for the other to consume. Lupin knocked on the door and was greeted almost immediately by an;
"Enter."
The other man was sat in a high backed chair, coat off and shirt devoid of cravat. Lupin caught the unmistakable scent of Aconite mingled with the Whisky the other had in a glass and couldn't help but wrinkle his nose. Snape waved a hand in the direction of his work area and said;
"Still not acceptable. My apologies." though his sarcastic voice held no hint of any apology.
"That's fine, I expected nothing."
They lapsed into silence, oddly uncomfortable and Lupin took a deep breath;
"I won't be around for the next few nights, what with full moon and all…"
"I had assumed as much."
The silence stretched again, a clock Lupin had not noticed before ticking on the mantelpiece. Lupin counted thirty ticks before ploughing on;
"So, I think Albus will be popping in, maybe Minerva…"
"With their chief spy incapacitated, I think that's a certainty."
Lupin frowned, the coldness in the voice concerning him. He cast an eye around for the bottle, wandering if alcohol was to blame, but he could not see it.
"I am not exactly a spy, Severus."
"Purely by job title…"
"Severus, what? You've lost me…"
"Should I re-name you 'baby sitter' maybe…?"
"Oh now I'm very confused. I don't want to argue with you over whatever theory you have over the genuine friendship I thought we had so I won't stop long. I only popped in to say I wouldn't be around the next few days. I didn't want you to think I had disappeared on you."
"Why on Earth would it worry me Lupin?"
"Well, I just thought…"
"What?"
"Oh nothing. Will you be alright?"
"Excuse me?!? Will I be alright! I am sure I can survive without your help Lupin." The voice was scathingly harsh. "I do not need your help, so relax. Go and chew your dog toys with a free conscience."
Lupin was stunned, he hadn't heard this Snape for several weeks, and then it had only usually been at the long suffering house elves. He backed toward the door deciding to leave and figure it all out after full moon.
"Very well, have a good few days; I will drop in when I return."
"As you wish."
"Take care."
He was met with stony silence and after a quick study of the others face he turned and closed the door a little too loudly behind himself.
…………………………………..
........"Headmaster, could I ask you something?" Lupin had his head stuck around the doorframe of the head's study, the older man sat at his desk behind a mountain of paperwork peering at Lupin over the top of his spectacles.
"Of course dear boy! Come in come in! What can I help you with?"
Lupin took a step in to the room but stayed stood;
"I won't stop, on my way to the Shack…"
"Yes, Severus said he was still not one hundred percent on the Wolfsbane. Pity."
"Actually, I've just come from there, I was wandering, has he said anything to you? About something I may have done… Or said…?"
"No, why?"
"We just had an argument. Well, sort of, I popped in to say cheerio, and he nearly bit my head off! It was like going back in time."
"Ah." Dumbledore pulled on his beard and let out a small chuckle. "It would seem you have come across another of the boy's many defence mechanisms."
"Um, sorry?"
"Yes, he has quite the arsenal!"
Lupin looked confused and Dumbledore leant across the desk, smiling at the puzzled werewolf.
"You must realise that he is used to being alone, and has quite convinced himself over the years that it is the safest way to be. Ergo, when someone gets too close to him, friends, teachers, co-workers, he knows many ways of getting them annoyed enough to leave him alone! You ignored the first one, the grumpy, sarcastic 'Ihateyouandallaroundyou' attitude. Now you are witnessing the second. Severus is so pleased to have your friendship…"
"Really?"
"Oh yes. He is aghast at the thought that you transform with no potion and, in his eyes at least, it is his fault you do not have it. Therefore, if you do not like him, he does not have to like you nor think of you as a friend, therefore he can ignore any feelings of guilt or worry that he may have let you down, and you can suffer in the shack quite happily for him. It is a compliment really."
"Oh."
"I know. Silly boy, he never learnt that friends don't blame and quite readily forgive rather a lot."
"A compliment?"
Dumbledore fixed the amber eyes with blue ones;
"You mean enough to him to warrant his guilt. This is rare."
Lupin nodded and gave the head a weak smile;
"So what do you suggest I do now?"
"I should carry on as normal. I wouldn't pin my hopes on an apology; I think that would be too hard for him as much as it saddens me to say it. I plan on accompanying him into the main hall next week, I shall wait 'till Thursday, you will fit enough for supper then I presume?"
"Yes."
"Good. He will need his friends around I'm sure."
Lupins smile gained a little more conviction and he turned to go, wishing the head a good night and peaceful few days. The head returned the sentiment and watched the retreating back with a smile on his face.
