A/N: Not much to say but thank you for reading :)
This is a multi-chapter, and there is one more chapter I'm gonna upload by the end of this week.
Summary: "I find sex... repulsing. I've never even touched myself, never imagined others." The first time they met, Kurogane knew his life - as he knew it - was over. His name was Fai.
I own nothing.
Chapter 2:
The first few days after their... break up? - Kurogane didn't really know what to call it, as they never actually said the words - were torture.
Classes were hell to go through, as he was unable to concentrate even the slightest despite his efforts to pay attention. His mind was constantly reeling with messed up thoughts and emotions he never thought he'd feel. And when classes were over, it became worse, because there was nothing to occupy his mind but thoughts of a beautiful blond that would never be his.
Regret was eating away in his heart, his chest hollow and his stomach constantly clenched without any break or relief, however small. He could feel an ever-present pressure behind his eyes, something like a small balloon blocking at the base of his throat and making swallowing too hard for his liking. Kurogane knew this emotion was called grief, sorrow for a lost loved one. But he couldn't remember ever experiencing it before. It was hell.
He turned around for what he felt like the hundredth time that night, kicking his blanket off only to grope for it a few minutes later and pull it up to his chin. He closed his eyes tightly, but instead of blissful darkness all he could see were blue eyes and a soft smile, blond bangs falling over thin reading glasses, a gentle tilt of head and a wide smile that spread over concentrated face, bright and joyful upon seeing him. That image was a familiar one, a picture he used to see almost every day during the short while of happiness he had with Fai.
No one was ever that happy to see him before, no one have ever looked at him like they favored being with him over anything else.
Not until he met Fai.
He wanted to see him.
He needed to see him.
But how could he? Fai would never take him back. Not after what he'd done to him, the things he said, the way he straight out rejected him when Fai was nothing but honest with him. He hurt him, in the worst way he could think of.
He felt like a complete and total jerk. Why would Fai take him back? He knew he himself wouldn't.
He could still hear that faint, broken-hearted sob echoing in his mind, again and again and again, beating against his skull, haunting his thoughts. His mind was full of distorted images of blue eyes full of hurt and betrayal he caused, his fault, slender shoulders shaking in a futile effort to block the tears-
Something wet touched his cheek, and he wiped it away angrily.
He threw the blanket off again and sat up abruptly, running a hand through his short black hair and shutting his eyes tightly, trying to block the thoughts that stormed and wrecked his mind. He let out a low groan, drawing his knees to his chest.
He couldn't do anything to fix this.
Let's say that Fai wouldn't just slam the door in his face, would be even willing to listen... what could Kurogane ever say to make it right? He was never good with words, was never one to apologize or comfort.
He couldn't fix this, he didn't know how.
And what would he say? He wasn't even sure he could accept the fact that Fai would never even-
But he wanted to see him.
His body ached for him, his heart tightening at the mere thought of never having Fai smile at him again with that stupid, annoying nature of his...
He loved him.
The thought hit Kurogane like a train full of bricks, and he froze, eyes staring into the darkness around him without actually seeing, wide and... frightened.
He loved him. He really did.
And he was scared shitless.
'Well,' Was the first coherent thought Kurogane managed, letting his hand fall onto his knees. 'That settles it. I'm screwed.'
The next day, he skipped his class and went to wait outside of Fai's classroom, leaning himself against the wall next to the closed door, where he could hear the faint, constant rumble of a lecture.
He told himself he'd make Fai listen the minute he comes out through that door. Even though he didn't know how exactly, or what he was even trying to say.
But then the bell rang, and the door opened, and Kurogane's courage flew out of the window and he backed away.
Amongst the flow of students that streamed out that door, he could spot one blond with a lowered head and sad blue eyes.
This time he would do it.
Kurogane strode forwards with a stern expression that pulled his thin lips into a grim and sour line, his paces long and determined.
This time he would definitely do it.
The stairs to Fai's dorms were never this high, the door never so dark and unwelcoming. It was probably just his guilty mind that was playing tricks, or maybe he really shouldn't have come here. Maybe he should just leave.
But sad blue eyes invaded his mind again, and he couldn't.
He wanted to see them smile again.
So he raised a firm hand, and knocked twice.
Everything that happened after he found the courage to knock was a haze of blurred, crammed memories Kurogane didn't want to think about much.
He remembered the door opening, and two wide blue eyes staring at him in surprise for a long moment before they softened a little and a quiet mumble demanded to know what he was doing there.
And Kurogane was scared, really, actually scared, for the first time in his life, like many other firsts he experienced since the day he met Fai. And he stumbled over the words, trying to tell Fai everything he was feeling and thinking. He told him how he couldn't stop thinking about him, and how awful he felt, and how angry he was with himself for hurting him. He tried to apologize, and the words stuck in his throat as a new sensation overcame him and he felt that strange moist burning behind his eyes again. All the while, Fai said nothing.
And when Kurogane's knees suddenly weakened as the fear and grief overwhelmed him and sunk him to the ground, he could feel two thin arms wrap around his shoulders and pull him close.
So he rested his head against that lean, hard stomach, eyes fluttering closed and hands reaching up to wound around long thighs.
It would take time, he knew. But eventually, they would be just fine.
When Kurogane finally graduated that year, they were still together.
He found a small apartment not so far from the campus, and got a nice job at the local art gallery where he hoped to someday display his own photos.
Needless to say the main subject of the pictures he took was a certain blond man with the bluest blue eyes.
Fai became something of a permanent guest in Kurogane's place, and Kurogane - even though he complained a lot and frowned a lot and yelled a lot - was actually very happy with that. Because he'd wake up in the mornings, and sometimes walk into the living room and find a beautiful blond hovering over mountains of papers with his reading glasses nearly slipping off, and whenever he heard his footsteps that beautiful blond would look up and smile at him as if he was the only thing in the world.
And then Fai would typically ruin the moment and greet him with one of the many silly nicknames he made just for him, and Kurogane would keep up the show of snapping back at him with displeased growls and yells - although secretly he really liked that Fai had a special thing he used for him alone - and Fai, in response, would jump to his feet and try to plant a kiss on his cheek and run before Kurogane could catch him.
And Kurogane was actually, truly, very happy with that.
A/N: Well? Like it? Hated it? Reviews are very much appreciated :)
