One More Time, One More Chance
Chapter 1:
I Can't Leave You Alone
With my eyes trained on my desk, I felt him enter the classroom. I wasn't ready to look up—not yet. Every time I looked at him now, it hurt. Not only did it hurt, I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed for lying to him like this. I couldn't express myself, but I wanted to more than anything. If I told him, it wouldn't be face to face. Years may pass before I ever had the courage to do that. If I ever found the courage at all.
"Edward! Hey!"
I heard him coming toward me, causing me to stiffen in my seat. The vein in my neck pulsed as I tried to control my expression. I didn't want him to think something was off about me. I didn't want him to ask why I seemed so different. I had loved him all along, of course, but just recently, I had realized how deep my feelings were. I felt like I was swimming in the ocean, feeling nothing but water under my feet, wondering where the ocean floor was and unable to make it out in the darkness. When I looked at him, I didn't know where my feelings for him ended. Just like dark waters beneath my bare feet, it was scary.
"Edward?"
With hesitation, my eyes rose from the pencil marks on my desk and met Jasper's gaze.
"You're spacey today," Jasper continued with a relaxed smile. "What's on your mind?"
"Nothing," I mumbled, leaning back in my seat. "I guess I'm just worried about the test today."
"You didn't study?"
"Na, not really."
I forced a smile, wondering if it was as transparent as it felt. Jasper slid into his seat next to me, causing my entire body to come to life. My muscles ached with tension and my heart grew heavy in my chest. Will it always be like this? Is friendship truly impossible? My right hand balled into a fist as I sat perfectly still, praying to God that class would start soon. Once the teacher began speaking, I would be able to focus on something else. Hopefully. Sometimes, it feels like nothing will take my mind off of him.
"You still want to hit up that vinyl store after school?" Jasper asked, leaning back in his seat with a smile.
He had just gotten into collecting records. Alice had put him onto it. It was nice that he wanted to share interests with her. He really fucking likes her, doesn't he? Of course, he did. What was I thinking? I rearranged my expression and turned to him, smiling again as if my mind was completely clear.
"I don't know … I have a lot to get done tonight."
"You procrastinated again? Come on, man. We'll be quick."
He was always persistent about things he wanted. Despite the weirdness I felt, I couldn't deny him. I would take friendship over nothing. I would be whatever he needed me to be. That's what love was, after all. If he needed a friend, I could be his friend. A brother, I could fill that role, too. A lover … I would fill that without hesitation. If friendship is the only thing that he wanted from me, I would give it to him. He could have my whole heart if he wanted it. And even if he didn't, I would give it to him unconditionally.
"Man?" Jasper asked, his face scrunched with confusion.
"Sorry." I shook the thoughts from my head, almost blushing as I continued. "That's cool with me. We can go there and look around for a bit."
"Awesome, man. Thanks. I hate going to new places alone."
He smiled, seeming at ease again. So, it wasn't my company he cared about. He just didn't want to be alone … I would voice my thoughts out loud in my usual teasing manner, but now I felt weird about doing so. If I said something like that, I felt I would sound like some clingy girlfriend. Maybe I'm just overthinking things—being paranoid. I wouldn't put it past me.
Finally, the teacher joined us from his post in the hallway and began today's lesson. While I never paid too much attention in class, I did love the opportunity it gave me to daydream. When the teacher spoke, everything else fell silent and I could mess around in my own head. This is probably why my grades are shit. A slight smile tugged on my lips at the thought. I couldn't help myself; I didn't feel like I fit in here. It was too structured, too monotonous for me. Whenever I was here, I felt trapped. Hell, even when I'm not here I feel trapped, too. I was in a funk. I didn't like where I was but I didn't have a single clue how to change it. Right now, I was just drifting, trying to maneuver in dark waters.
Class came to a close and Jasper and I went our separate ways. We wouldn't be seeing each other again until the final bell rang. Lucky for me, we only had one class in common. That meant I could spend the rest of the day clearing my mind. Which never worked …
During chemistry, I tried to focus, but like with every class, my attention was short. If I wasn't captivated by something, I deemed it not worthy of my time. School didn't captivate me. Hell, the only thing that seemed to captivate me was a boy I couldn't have.
"Are you even paying attention today?"
I turned my head and found Jessica staring at me with her usual, flirtatious smile tugging at her lips. She was pretty and she knew it. I wish I was that annoyingly fucking confident. While I wasn't attracted to her, I liked the attention. Her attentions distracted me from other things for a while.
"When do I ever pay attention?" I challenged, throwing her a cocky grin.
She giggled at this, eyelids fluttering as she flushed. I straightened my back, turning toward her more.
"I guess I'm just bored here," I shrugged, reaching out to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.
She giggled at this, blushed, and turned back to her book. I didn't fully understand why I messed around with her like this. Boredom. Boredom and the feeling of being fucking trapped here. I turned my focus toward the window to my left, staring out at the rainy day. Bleak—just like my mood.
Between the dreary weather and my sullen mood, the rest of the day had gone by in a blur. I loved the blur, everything faded around me and my thoughts became mutterings in the background. In the blur, I had still seen him; Jasper was never far from my thoughts. He should be finishing up gym now. Sometimes, I waited near the field, watching him practice with the other guys. He was always so carefree and light, unlike me. I never felt light. I always felt like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders.
The rain had cleared by the clouds were still dark and threatening. I breathed in a long, calming breath as I left the building and moved toward the field to meet him. While I felt somewhat like a voyeur, I didn't care. This was the only chance I could really watch him. He was too wrapped up in the sport to notice me staring.
Today, he wore running pants and a white T-shirt which was just tight enough to display the muscles of his back. I moved to stand by the fence. A shudder ran through me as my arm stretched out and my hand wrapped around the wire of the chain link fence. I gripped it tightly, feeling almost ashamed as I continued to watch him. He's my friend and here I am leering at him. Fuck.
I pushed those thoughts aside. I knew I wasn't being transparent. If this was the only chance I got to look at him—really look at him—I was going to take it. I watched as he laughed; I watched as he freely chatted with others; I watched his confident stride as he moved off the field to get changed. As he traversed across the freshly cut grass, his head turned and his eyes scanned the perimeter of the field before they found me. Then, he smiled, lighting up his entire face. I felt my face flush as my eyes dropped down. They remained on the beat-up toe-guards of my converse before they shot back up to meet his gaze. He was still peering in my direction and when I looked back, he waved at me before signaling he would only be a few minutes.
I shied away from the fence, stepping back as I tried to appear uninterested. Inside, I was reeling. My heart was beating loudly in my chest and I closed my eyes, trying to calm the fluttering. Taking deep breaths, I tried not to smile. I tried … but I couldn't help it. A smile broke out on my face, and for a moment, I actually felt weightless. Moments before, I felt like we had shared something. At least on my end, I felt a spark.
My smile made my cheeks hurt. I couldn't remember the last time I smiled like this—it felt like forever. Jasper made me smile but when I was right in front of him, I couldn't let myself go like this; I was too self-conscious to appear as purely happy as I felt. Now that I was alone, I could smile with my entire face. Was this pathetic? Was I being pathetic? A smile can't be that meaningful. It felt meaningful, though. I never smile much outside of school—I never smile much at home. So now, I enjoyed the feeling. I allowed myself a moment to bask in it. Soon, feelings like this would be rare. When I ripped off the band-aid, when I was no longer in Jasper's life, I wasn't sure if I would ever feel happiness like this again.
"Hey! Thanks for waiting!" Jasper called out as he ran toward me.
"No problem," I replied, taking a step forward. "I couldn't stand being in that building a second longer. I swear, I'm allergic to that place."
"I feel you. Ready to get going?"
"Yeah."
"Want to eat first?"
"Yeah, that's cool with me."
He smiled at this, falling in step beside me as we headed toward the trail leading to town.
"We should go to this new Ramen place. I took Alice there the other day and it was bomb."
He took Alice there and now he's taking me? Why do I feel so jealous? God, what is he doing to me …? I had nothing to be jealous about. Jasper and I were nothing—no matter how desperate I was for things to be different. I have to get used to this feeling. I have to learn to accept it.
In that moment, I realized if we were going to remain friends, we would have to separate for a while. I couldn't carry on like this; I couldn't watch his life happen feeling as though I didn't have a true part in it. I needed to work all summer, I needed to go to college somewhere else, I had to find myself and learn who I was without him. Otherwise, this would never work. If I stayed, I would forever feel like this. I would forever feel as if I were standing in someone else's shadow. Could I live like that? I knew I couldn't. Today would be my last carefree day with him.
I would enjoy it. I would enjoy every minute of it because I knew after today, things would be different. I would be different. My friendship with him will fizzle out. I teared up at the thought and every muscle in my face clenched as I tried to push the pain away. You chose this. You. It's for the best. Soon, school will be over. Soon, you'll be able to move on—to find yourself. I had become so wrapped up in Jasper, I had forgotten who I was without him. He had become part of my identity. I had wanted it that way. I had lusted after him since the moment I saw him; I had loved him from the moment he reached out to me and helped me with my homework. Then, I had felt guilty about lusting after him. My affections for him became so pure. What I felt was more than attraction—what I felt was something that overwhelmed me, something I hadn't recognized.
"You're quiet today," Jasper commented as we made it into town.
"Really? I'm always quiet," I teased.
"I know, I know. Sometimes you just get really caught up in your thoughts. It's like you're trying to figure something out."
"Yeah, well the end of the semester is kind of stressing me out."
"Don't let it. All your grades are good, aren't they?"
"Yeah, they're fine. A lot better now, thanks to your help."
"See? There's nothing to worry about. I'll help you study for your final exams, if you think it'll help."
"Maybe," I muttered, wondering if I could handle being alone with him for a prolonged period of time.
"You have the confidence to do it yourself now?"
"Something like that." I shrugged.
Jasper stopped in front of me, causing me to nearly run into him. I jumped back, flushing before my gaze moved, taking in my surroundings.
"We're here. God, I nearly walked right past it." He laughed as he reached to open the restaurant's door. "You'll love this place, man."
"If you like it, I'm sure I'll like it," I said without thinking.
God the way I said that … Jesus.
We went inside and placed our order. After that, I almost felt too self-conscious to speak. Deep down, I knew Jasper wasn't picking up on my feelings but I couldn't stifle the paranoia I felt. Now that I knew how deeply my emotions ran, I felt as though they were transparent to everyone. However, it seemed Jasper was oblivious. Probably because he didn't look at me the same way. That thought made me sad. As much as the idea of him finding out would kill me, I almost wanted him to notice. In my fantasies he would notice and tell me he had always felt the same way. But those were only fantasies, this was real, and reality was never that kind.
Jasper chatted, barely noticing my silence. Or perhaps he did notice and that's why he kept talking. He never liked awkward pauses. I never felt like silence was awkward. I loved the silence. Especially when I was with someone I loved. It was comfortable. In the quiet, it was like we both were comfortable enough with each other to go on without a word. Instead, we could feed off of each other's energies. Jasper had always been loud and gregarious. He was my opposite in almost every way. I supposed that was one of the reasons I loved him so much. He made up for everything I lacked. We both evened each other out.
After lunch, we headed to the record store nearby. It started to rain again as we walked. It was a light shower, nothing major, but I felt myself walking close to Jasper. Heat radiated off of his body, making me feel warm. I always feel warm when I'm near him. We walked with both of our hoods up, trying to avoid getting too wet. However, after a few minutes, Jasper lowered his hood and tilted his head toward the sky. He smiled a smile that was so epic, I found myself smiling too as I committed his expression to memory.
"I love the rain. This is the perfect weather," he mused.
"I like it, too."
I liked anything he liked.
"Did you ever dance around in the rain as a kid?" he asked as he continued to look toward the cloudy sky.
"Sometimes. I would dance outside with my mom sometimes. She loved the rain, too."
"I did that," he replied with a chuckle. "I would do that until my older brother would come out and tease me. We would always end up chasing each other around the backyard."
I remained silent, never knowing what to say to him. Every idea sounded awkward in my mind so I said nothing, happy to finally be approaching the store. Jasper smiled as he saw the vinyl store sign and grabbed my hand, pulling me inside. I felt my body flush at the feeling of his palm warm against mine. The reaction felt almost childish but it was one my body couldn't help. I yearned for him and if a simple gesture like this was all I was ever to receive, I could live with that.
"Isn't this place great?" Jasper asked as we stumbled inside.
I smiled. It was great. I have to enjoy this day. I don't think I'll be able to hang out with him for a long time after this. I feel so guilty … so dishonest. Jasper pulled me further into the store, never letting go of my hand. I basked in the feeling, committing it to memory, too. When we finally reached the back of the store, filled with used and new records, he let go of my hand, smiling at me before he traversed across the wooden floors to the table covered in boxes of rock LPs. I stood back for a moment, watching his animated face as he flipped through the selection. I was getting my fill of every second of him, already afraid to let go. I didn't want to let go … but I knew for him, and for myself, I had to. I couldn't carry on like this. No one could.
I walked over to the "classics" selection of vinyl and began to flip through as well. Maybe I should get something. Something to remember the day by. I flipped until I came across a familiar favorite and pulled it out, looking at the condition of the record for a moment before deciding on it. I didn't have a player but that didn't matter, I would get one, one day. This purchase was just about remembering him. Remembering today. When we went our separate ways, studying apart, I wanted to be able to listen to this. I wanted to listen to this and remember this moment—remember the way I felt.
"You find something?" I heard Jasper call out.
I turned around, finding him holding a stack of vinyl already. I held up my finding and was met with a smile of approval from him. He seemed so relaxed here—I wished I felt that way, too. I was too nervous in his presence. I gave him an awkward smile as I crossed the room to meet him near the rock LPs.
"I can't believe you found so many already." I laughed. "Do you even have enough money to cover all that?"
"Well, Dad gave me food money for the week and so did Mom. They don't really communicate so I just pocketed the cash. I eat school lunch so I thought I'd just spend it here."
"I wish my parents were like that. They're way too invested in everything I do."
Jasper chuckled at this. "Well, don't they still think you're 'troubled' or whatever?"
"Yeah. I guess I can't blame them."
"You have enough to cover that?" he asked, gesturing toward my record.
"Yeah, just about."
Truly, I was fucking broke. I had less than sixty dollars in my bank account and knew I shouldn't be spending like this. However, this was important, so, I could justify the purchase.
"Here, let me buy it for you. I know after last weekend, you can't have much left over."
"You really don't have to do that," I insisted, feeling almost embarrassed as I pulled the record away.
"It's no problem," he insisted, reaching for it to add to his stack.
"Jasper—"
"Come on, man. It's no big deal. Like I said, I have plenty of money I shouldn't even have. Share some with me. You're my best friend, after all. This is what best friends do."
My heart stopped for a moment. Until now, I never knew he considered me his best friend. Unlike me, he had so many friends to chose from. Outside of him, I barely had anyone. I had my parents and a few acquaintances. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have an entire circle of friends like he does. I supposed if I ever put myself out there, I could have had more. Jasper even tried to invite me to group outings on a few occasions. I always declined, though. I felt uncomfortable around so many people I didn't know. All of his friends were smart or talented or both. I would feel like a fucking outcast if I were there. I'm neither of those things. I knew if I went, Jasper would hang around me all night, worried I would just be sitting around if he didn't, and I would feel bad for taking him away from everyone else. God, we're so different …
Despite our differences, he considered me his best friend. I wonder how he would feel when I tore myself from his life. Maybe he would feel sad at first, but only because he didn't know my reasoning. If he knew the truth—if he knew the pain I felt—he would be happy that I left. Wouldn't he?
"It's really cool, man. I got it."
"Dude, it's on me. If I want to do it, just let me," Jasper insisted as he swiped the record from my grasp and added it to his stack.
A melancholy smile tugged at my lips. This was it … I've already determined this will be our last day hanging out together for a very, very long time. Until I got my shit together, this was it.
This was it. Could I accept that? Could I leave him? Could I ever express the feelings bubbling inside of me? The ones that won't leave me alone, regardless of my efforts? My feelings are all I have. My feelings are all that is left.
I wished I was different.
I wished our relationship was different.
Wishes like that couldn't come true. Until I spoke up—until I did something—it would always be like this. I couldn't speak up, though. Not yet. Once I found myself, I would find him again. Until then, I'd remember today.
