Now to all my fantabulous reviewers, as much as I love a good Faith/Cordelia fic, this is not one. Sorry for those, if any, who were hoping for a little Fordy.
Faith pov.
I gotta say openin up to Cordelia was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. She was like real attentive or whatever and she like actually listened to what I had to say! Only other person who did that was Richard but he's dead. It was one night when I was...when I was cuttin myself. Now I know what you're thinkin... what ever it is, is it really bad enough to do that? Well it was more of a release. A way to feel. Yeah yeah irresponsible. Mostly for not lockin the door. I still remember her face when she saw me take the knife to my thigh.
Cordelia burst into my room.
"Hey, rogue Angel sa- oh my god Faith! What the hell are you doing?!"she was borderline hysterical and at first I hadn't noticed her. I hurried up and pulled my sheet over my legs and hid the knife.
"Nothin." I said sharply. "Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" I ask slightly pissed.
"No. and now I'm glad I haven't. How long has this been going on?" she asked shutting the door and sitting close to me.
"Nothin is goin on Cordelia." I said. I know I shouldn't try to lie but I do from time to time.
"Bullshit." she spat. She yanked the sheets back and boy were they bloody. "This," she said pointing down. "Is not nothing. Faith talk to me." she said gently. I was trying real hard to remain apathetic. But she was breakin through.
"Why the fuck do you care?" I ask angrily. "If you must know its been goin on since I was in sunnydale. Feel better now that you know not only am I a psychotic murdering slut but I also like to hurt myself? Make you feel better to finally have confirmation you're better than me?" I asked. I know I shouldn't have bitched at her but I couldn't help it. I hopped up off the bed and she followed. She drug me, and I do mean drug, you ever seen Cordy mad? Din think so so don't be sayin I coulda easily got outta that an shit. She drug me into the bathroom and flicked the light switch on.
"Sit." she said pointing towards the toilet. I raised an eyebrow. "Does this look like a game? Sit your ass down so I can clean these up." she says pointin to the lines across my thigh.
"Don't worry bout em C. S'all 5x5, it'll clear by mornin." I said with a shrug. She wasn't lettin go though.
"Too late. I'm worried now sit your ass down or I'll tie you." she said and I knew she was bein real.
"Can...can we not do it in the bathroom? Please? Can we just use the bed?" she asked why but I didn't answer.
After that she cleaned the cuts and asked me what was goin on. I told her everything. Bout my past, nightmares that leave me numb. I told her bout some'a my fears and she didn't laugh like I expected. She just nodded and listened. Over time I started to warm up to her. Soon I went to her with whatever. When I decided to re-enroll in high school since I was still a minor and a senior anyway, she was like the mom/big sister. She drove me to and from school, she asked bout my day, helped with shit I didn't understand. Did every fuckin thing. Even supported me when I was in the school musical. Yeah shut the hell up. I like musicals. What ya wanna do bout it? Good. But there's still somethin I haven't told her about. Sometimes I'm a little bit of my old self around her. The one who doesn't feel. Not cus I didn't know how, but cus I was scared. But I'm ready to let go of that fear. She gave me a little lecture on family one time. Bout how they look out for each other and protect one another. Felt like I was four or somethin but she made me comfortable at the same time. That's when I realized the AI team is my family. Wes is like the dad. Cordy's like...well I don't know yet. Angel and Gunn are the big brothers who'll snap ya neck if you look the wrong way at one of us. Fred is...hell don't know about her either. Lorne is that gossipin next door neighbor who you've known since the beginning of time but they never seem to get older. And they're like 100 at when your 12 but when you turn thirty they seem like they're 80. but I love them do bits. They are the first real fam ever so I gotta cherish that. No matter what. But with Cor, I'm ready to drop another layer. I'm ready to allow myself to feel round her cus I'm only human.
"Hey C?" she looks up from her salad.
I
can't sleep now, no, not like I used to
I can't breathe in and out
like I need to
It's breaking ice.. now, to make any
movement
What's your vice? you know that mines the illusion
"Yes?" she answers me.
And
all at once (as i'm trying) I can help you out
(just to keep
things right)
I'll be what you need (I kill myself to make
everything perfect for ya)
Goodbye apathy, so long apathy
"Ya remember that night when you caught me cuttin on myself?" she never told anybody about that and I am more than grateful.
So
don't sit still, don't you move away from here
So goodbye apathy
(as i'm trying), so long fancy free
(just to keep things
right)
Goodbye apathy, (kill myself to make everything perfect for
ya)
I don't wanna be you
"Yeah. I do." she says softly. I squirm a little. Sorta uncomfortable.
"Can we go outside for this?" I ask. She nods and throws a few bills down. We go outside and I take a deep breath.
I
don't walk right, not like I used to
There's a jump in my step as
I rush to see you
I could be happy here as long as you're near to
me
As long as you're close to me
Now that I'm alright (as i'm
trying) I can help you
out (just to keep things right)
I'll be
what you need (I kill myself to make everything perfect for ya)
Goodbye apathy, goodbye apathy
"Y'know how I didn't wanna let you clean my cuts in the bathroom?" she nods so I continue. "I'm...i'm claustrophobic." I say.
"That's ok sweetie." I shake my head.
So
don't you stop pushing me, I can take so much
So goodbye apathy
(as i'm trying), so long fancy free
(just to keep things
right)
Goodbye apathy, (kill myself to make everything perfect for
ya)
I don't wanna be... you...
Everybody is watching you, everybody is watching me too ...
"Its ok you can tell me anything." she says in that gentle voice.
"When was little sometimes ma and dad didn't feel good just beatin the shit outta me. Sometimes they...they'd lock me in a small toy chest or somewhere really compact and I'd have to stay there until they remember to let me out. One time I was a very small...too small trunk for four days. No water, no food, no bathroom. Just the dark and silence. And those 'four walls' holding me in. I felt like I was going to suffocate but thank god I didn't. Another time...we had this real small bathroom. Like a janitors closet but slightly bigger. Well ma got pissed at me bout the teachers callin home so she threw me in it. I figured hey its all good. But then I realized it didn't have windows. After a day she poured 32oz of ammonia into a bucket and put it in there. It was hell. I really don't know how I survived but I did. Ever since those days I've been terrified to either be in small space or hugged to long. The size of the bathroom was bad enough but it woulda been both of us in it ya know?" I look and she has tears in her eyes. Fuck I do too.
"Its more than that though isn't it?" she asks. She knows me pretty fuckin well to know when I'm holdin back.
"Nothin to big," I pull a shaky breath. "Just sometimes she's lock me in a room with my dad while he beat the livin dog shit outta me. Then other times she locked me in my room with the dog. An untamed pit. You don't put a fucking 5 year old in a room with an untamed unfamiliar pit!" I say and start sobbing.
"How old were you when the bathroom thing happened?" she asks.
"Eight! I was eight fucking years old Cordelia! No child, even me deserves that shit! I didn't ask to be there! I didn't wanna be there..." I sob out and she just pulls me to her. She doesn't fully hug me but she does partially. I don't feel so trapped. She's sayin some soothin words to calm me.
"Shh...its ok Faith...you're safe now...i'm not gonna let anything hurt you...i promise." she says.
"Don't make promises you can't keep C. life is full of a lot of stuff and hurt is part of it." I tell her. She gets this determined look.
"I don't intend on breaking this. I swear to you Faith, I'm going to do whatever I can to protect you. From anything." she says.
"Thanks." I say. She smiles.
"What did I tell you family is for? Real family?" she asks. I nod. We make our way back to the car and prepare for the real pain to start. She knows she can't protect me from them but oddly I don't think its gonna stop her from tryin.
Again another song I don't own. This is by that wonderful group onerepublic. Its called goodbye apathy. Just felt right. Anyway, if you've read the book 'a child called it' you'll notice the similar reference in this chapter. I'm pointing this out because it is sensitive subject matter and I don't want anyone offended.
