It was another solid two weeks before I was let out of the hospital to do anything that wasn't physical therapy or a doctor's visit. Admiral Hackett put me on strict shore leave until I was at 100%. I felt much better than what I did when I first awoke, and now that I was back on Earth I was almost devastated by how it looked. Granted I didn't grow up on Earth, I was always on a ship with my mom, but this was awful. I didn't even know where to start or who to help.

Even though Earth didn't look the same, it wasn't as bad as the day I fought The Reapers on Earth. Every species in the galaxy had come to help. Wrex was helping with a few other Krogan from his clan. They were doing some heavy lifting along with some help from the students at Grissom Academy. Their biotics helped to lift rubble and move things into places that others couldn't normally do. The teamwork astounded me and made me realize what I had really done during the war with The Reapers. I had united the entire galaxy. It was still working. I couldn't believe what I had just done.

As I walked along what used to be a road, deep in my thoughts, I heard my name called out. I looked up immediately and saw Liara. Next to her was Kaidan. I almost choked back tears. He was still around. He even looked shocked that I was there and I had to hold back the feeling of hurt when his face instantly masked it into a look of pure neutrality.

"Hey Liara, hey Kaidan," I said in a normal voice of greeting.

"Shepard." Was all Kaidan said to me. Even Liara looked a little surprised at his tone.

"So, what's up?" I asked. Liara gave Kaidan a look and he shook his head at her. I was a little confused at what was going on between the two of them.

"Just a routine sweep of the area. Looking at the wreckage, seeing what supplies will be needed," Liara said awkwardly. I could tell she was uncomfortable with lying. Because that was exactly what she was doing, lying. I didn't like being lied to, as many people have found out, but I would let it slide this once. For Liara. Kaidan on the other hand shouldn't be at all.

"I see. So just a routine sweep? That's it?" I pressed. First something with Admiral Hackett, now Kaidan and Liara. I knew something was going on with them. I just needed to find out what.

"Yep. Just routine, ma'am," Kaidan said in a typical soldierly way.

"Uh-huh," I said, unconvinced of what they were really doing.

"Well, I have to contact Asari High Command… I'll be right over there," Liara mumbled and walked off, already on her omni tool.

Kaidan had started to walk away from me and I quickly grabbed his sleeve. He was in civilian dress, not military. He wore a gray t-shirt and blue jeans. He looked at me and I could see he was a little startled that I grabbed him like that. If it weren't for the fact that he had been avoiding me, I would have loved to just kiss his lips. He looked so… sexy, dressed casually.

"Kaidan, what's going on with you? I haven't seen you in weeks…" I said in his ear. I didn't want everyone to know our business, especially that I was hurt that he hadn't been around.

"Been a little busy, Commander. Just doing what I can to help," He said, stiffly. I could see that he façade was being to crack a little bit.

"That's not it and you know it. You've been avoiding me. Tell me why, Kaidan." I was firm in what I said, leaving him no room to try and evade my question.

"Shepard, I can't. I'm so glad you're better, but I can't," He whispered out. He looked away from me and I could see it was paining him.

"Kaidan, I thought I meant something to you, but obviously not," I said harshly and released his sleeve. I turned away. "Goodbye, Major Alenko."

I started to walk away and suddenly I was spun around and pulled back to his body. His lips crashed down on top of mine and I felt his hand snake around my head and delve into my hair. My hands immediately went around his back as he kissed me. His tongue snaked in between my lips and I gasped in surprise at the heat of the kiss. We kissed for a few more minutes before he jerked away with a groan. I could tell he was a little shocked at his own actions.

"I had to do that again. Even if it was just one more time," He said raggedly.

"What do you mean, one more time?" I demanded. He looked away.

"I'm not supposed to tell you anything, Hackett's orders," He said harshly. His eyes met mine and he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "But I knew I couldn't keep it from you if I saw you, which is why I kept my distance. But I will tell you."

I waited patiently for him to tell me, but he didn't. He waited a few more minutes and he grabbed my hand, pulling me away from all the wreckage and people. He found what was left of a building and he pulled me behind the rubble.

"Off the record. Something is brewing out on Tuchanka. Salarians have landed, we aren't sure of what their mission is, but the Krogan are up in arms. That's not even the half of it. The Rachni are demanding territory in council space. They want room to grow, as are the Krogan. But the main worry we are having is we just lost the SSV London. No contact, nothing. The Alliance believe that it's either the Krogan or the Rachni in retaliation for no answer on the growth. My gut instinct says it's something else. Why else would Wrex and the Rachni be helping us if they just wanted to destroy one of our ships?

"Also, the Asari are upset that Thessia is lost. They believe that if they didn't help you, that they could have held the lines better. They're not exactly demanding but they are requesting funds and resources from us that we just don't have. The whole galaxy is in upheaval and nothing is going right. Everything might seem like it is, but it isn't. The Quarians are too busy trying to build their own world up that they are denying help to everyone else. It's a political shit storm, Jane," He finished with using my first name. Kaidan almost never used my first name.

"So, what's the catch?" I asked softly. "All of this stuff doesn't mean much for why you're avoiding me."

"That's just it… I must go on a mission to find out what's going on with the SSV London. They're sending me, Vega, Joker, and a couple others out on the SSV Normandy to go and investigate it."

"The Normandy…? That's my ship," I said indignantly.

"I know that Shepard, but considering you're still in recovery and the doctors haven't cleared you yet, Hackett didn't think it was safe to send you. So, he's sending me instead," Kaidan replied. "I don't know what's going on out there. They have sent two ships already to go find the SSV London and never got a response. They essentially went dark. I didn't want to tell you goodbye when I just got you back and may never see you again. That's why I didn't tell you."

"I'm going with."

"Shepard, you can't, we're leaving in a couple of hours and you can't go with us. The doctors haven't cleared you yet and you'll be defying Hackett's orders," Kaidan said firmly. I could see he was really struggling to make sure I was taken care of and recovering, but that wasn't happening. I was going.

"You can't stop me, Major, I am going to be a Rear Admiral soon," I answered. "I'm going to contact Garrus, Liara, Miranda, and Samara. They're still in the area. They'll be of some use on this mission. You said Vega was going, right? Good, he'll be of some use."

"Shepard, I'm serious you can't go! You'll hurt yourself," He practically was begging.

"Look, Kaidan, I am going where my ship goes and I'm going with you. I'm not going to just sit back while you take a highly dangerous mission where nothing is known. I'm going even if I must fight past a thousand doctors. When will you be leaving?"

"In about three hours. I was going to go home and pack a few things first, then hit up the Normandy."

"That's perfect. I still have all my stuff on the Normandy. It'll do me some good to get out of… these clothes…" I drifted off. I looked down at my clothes. I was in hospital wear. Pants and a shirt. I kind of forgot the back of my shirt was wide open but, nothing was showing.

"Shepard… Please don't do this," Kaidan said softly.

I looked at him. My eyes raked over his body and I leaned up on my toes and whispered in his ear. "I'm not leaving you again, Kaidan. You can count on me."

I pulled away and started heading to where the Alliance ships were docked.


After boarding my ship, I immediately headed to the Captain Quarters where I would be staying. It was like returning home. All my things were exactly where I had left them. I rushed to get out of the hospital garments and quickly pulled on my black Alliance uniform. It felt so much better to be able to just relax in my clothes on my ship. I looked at the console where EDI's voice used to come out. I halfway expected her voice to say something witty, but of course, it wasn't coming. I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I went to the elevator to go to the main level, to see Joker and tell him what I was doing on the ship. Joker was still avoiding me. He was still holding EDI's death as my fault, which it was. My footsteps seemed heavier than usual. I had to get this out of the way if I were going to work with Joker on this next mission. I hoped that he wouldn't be too hard.

As I approached the cockpit, the pit in my stomach getting bigger and bigger as I went, I noticed that Joker wasn't even there. Instead, there was a woman sitting in the pilot's chair. I blinked, this wasn't right, that was Joker's seat. When I got closer she turned the chair to face me and my mouth dropped. It was my cousin. Trixana.

Trixana looked almost nothing like me. Where I had red hair and bright green eyes, she had gorgeous bright blue eyes, an icy color, and gorgeous long auburn curls. She was around my height but her figure was more feminine than my own. She had fuller lips than me and her eyes were in an almond shape. She had higher cheekbones than my own. All in all, she was very pretty. I had known she was in the Alliance, but I didn't know what she was doing.

"Trixana, what are you doing here? Where's Joker?" I asked, very shocked.

She laughed.

"I am just doing some simple maintenance checks. Joker is in Starboard Observation, I believe," She answered. "I don't normally do these, but I was slightly bored. What are you doing here, Jane?"

"It's Commander Shepard while you're on my ship," I said harshly. Trixana was a good person, but it aggravated me that she was here. I was anticipating Joker, and I got her. "This is my ship, I don't need a reason to be here. But, I will tell you I am coming with you."

"Oh… But hey, I thought that hot guy, Kaidan, was going to be leading this mission," She said with an upbeat tone. I resisted the urge to punch her.

"Well you heard wrong," I said stiffly. I turned on my heel and headed back to the elevator to find my flight lieutenant.

"Good to see you again, Jane!" Trixana called out. I really wanted to punch the ever-living shit out of her. She didn't know how to maintain a professional tone. But she would learn quickly.

My anger quickly dissipated when I was standing in front of the door of the Starboard Observation. This is where I went to have a few drinks with Tali right after I had a mission with Miranda. This was where Kaidan and James played poker. Go figures Joker would be here.

Getting past my inner monologue, I stepped inside and saw Joker there, at the bar, drinking. He looked like hell. Joker always had some stubble, but he had almost a full beard now. His hair looked like it was so scraggly he could pass for a dog, and his uniform looked like it hadn't been washed in a week. Speaking of washing, it looked like he hadn't been bathed since before the Reaper War. He looked awful.

I didn't know what to say. But hearing the door swish open he turned and fully looked at me. I saw the recognition and shock in his eyes, then the disgust. I knew I was the cause of such disgust.

"Commander. The Commander. Defeated the Reapers, eh? Wiped out all synthetic life, eh?" He said sarcastically. I winced. "Oh, don't worry, not like anyone needed those synthetics. Like the Geth. Or EDI even."

"Joker, I'm sorry about EDI. I really am. I didn't know she would be wiped out too," I apologized. I didn't know how to tell him how awful I felt. This was really tearing me up on the inside.

"Oh, don't worry. Not like I loved her or anything. Not like she was the first person to love me back," he said. I sighed.

"Joker, I get that you're mad and pissed, but I couldn't take any other options. The Reapers had to be taken down and you know that. I did the best I could, and you know that. Get yourself together. Would EDI want you being like this? No, she wouldn't. She would want you to move on and continue to be your usual funny 'Joker' self. This isn't you. So, finish that last drink, go get a shower, and get in the cockpit," I said firmly. Joker looked at me and he seemed slightly resigned after I finished. I think I saw some of that fight in him leave.

"I know you did your best, Commander, it's just… I hate she's gone…" He trailed off and tipped his shot of liquor back. "But you're right… It's been weeks… I need to get a hold of myself and keep living. For her."

He pushed himself up from the bar and looked at me. He nodded and ambled out, slowly and carefully, if not a little clumsily. He turned once and said, "Thanks." The door slid shut behind him and I slid down in a chair.


As I was about to take a shot, the door hissed opened and in walked Kaidan, Vega right behind him. I looked over and popped the Ryncol back into my mouth. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and slammed the shot glass face down on the bar. I stood up and walked to my Major and my Lieutenant.

"Vega, good to see you again."

"Commander Shepard, it's great to see you too. Didn't think you'd be coming with us," James answered.

"Change of plans. I felt the Commander would be a… great asset to our crew," Kaidan asserted before I could answer. In public, in front of others, he always knew what to say. He would do great in front of a camera.

"Well it's good to have you back. You know we'll get this done with you here," Vega said and patted me hard on the arm. It still hurt, but I could conceal the pain on my face. My body still wasn't a hundred percent but I was damned if they were going to take my ship and take Kaidan without me. That wasn't happening.

"Thank-you, Lieutenant. I would like to talk to the Commander for a minute alone, if you don't mind," Kaidan said swiftly. Vega shrugged and walked out, the door hissing behind him and Kaidan turned on me.

He approached me slowly and cupped my face in his hands. He looked deep into my eyes, his hazel into my green ones. He kissed my lips softly and my hands covered his. He then just pulled me into his arms and he sighed. His head rested on the top of mine and his body was pressed up against mine. I felt my whole-body light up, like his touch just set it on fire. He sent shivers down my back when his fingers traced circles along my arm.

"Jane, I can't and won't, lose you. I love you," He whispered out.

"I love you, Kaidan," I answered.


Author's Note: Starting next chapter I will do some POVs from other characters point of views. To give more insight as to their mind frame. I know it's starting a little slow, but I need some background of the recovery to give more later. Don't worry, everything will fall into place. Thanks, guys! Reviews and thoughts are welcome!