The boys exit the school bus and head into school as other kids do as well.

"Finally," Eric says and reaches back and removes his selfie stick from his backpack.

"Yeah, can't just be a douchebag, have to be an impatient douchebag," says Kyle with sarcasm.

"Got more sand in your vagina, huh?" Eric mocks him.

"Better than owning a selfie stick," Kyle rebukes.

"Jealousy, thy name is Kyle," says Eric as he finishes attaching his phone to the stick. He leans in toward Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, then gives a thumbs up while smiling and takes the picture. Immediately afterwards he stops smiling and lowers the thumb back down.

They all turn down a hall, heading toward their lockers to drop off un-needed books.

"Guys! Guys!" Butters calls out, jogging over quickly.

"We must walk faster," says Eric.

"Guys, you'll never believe what I have!" says Butters excitedly.

"A hickey…" says Eric in a low voice.

"What, Butters?" asks Kyle curiously.

Butters replies, "A selfie stick!"

"What?" Eric says, dismayed.

"Heh. A selfie stick; you know, Eric, like all the cool kids have," says Kyle to Eric.

"Check this out… " Butters removes it from his backpack, "I got the Magnum size – it's a big black one. I'm thinking about naming it Darth Stick."

"Butters – do you even need a selfie stick?" says Stan.

"Agh! Nobody needs a selfie stick!" Kyle blurts out, aggravated.

"Well, Craig got one," says Butters.

"Craig?" Eric says, increasingly frustrated.

"And Jimmy has one, too," Butters continues.

"Jimmy? What the fuck?" Eric blurts out.

"I hear the local super store is sold out of them, so I guess that's it for now," says Butters.

"Until they get more in," says Kyle.

"Actually, ah, I hear they're discontinuing them," Butter adds.

They shut their lockers and head to their first class of the day.

"It's a little anemic, but I'll classify that as a miracle," says Kyle.

"I've taken twelve pictures so far, but I keep screwing up the timer and photographing my thumb. One time I dropped it by accident. I'm still trying to master my selfe shui, I guess," says Butters.

They enter a classroom and hop up into their desk chairs.

Kyle looks at Butters, "Butters, carefully photographing something amazing at the right moment is an art; holding out your phone set on a timer on a pole for nothing special, is douchebaggery."

Butters replies, "Oh. Ah, what's a douchebag?"

Eric quickly comments, "I swear to God you guys, if you point at me…"

Mr. Garrison walks into the room and shuts the door. Once at his desk he sets his briefcase down and begins the class, "Okay, class, yesterday I outlined the plot and characters of 'Korg: 70,000 B.C.' for you. Today we'll go over the first episode, "Blind Hunter'. While out, Tor stumbled upon a caveman from another tribe who has been temporarily blinded in an accident…"

.

Later that day. The boys sit outside in the grass during recess, playing with their phones instead of playing with themselves or other kids.

Eric connects his phone to his selfie stick and raises it. As he positions it he hears Butters speak up.

"Huh, will you look at that – mine is bigger than yours," Butters comments.

Eric looks over and sees Butters holding up his stick to compare lengths, "Goddamnit. It's not the length of the bat that matters, it's the swing of the batter."

"Oh."

Eric fakes a smile, then stops once the picture is taken.

Butters speaks up again, "But what if the batter is using a ten-inch bat?"

"Shut up, Butters," says Eric.

"Hey, check this out," says Kyle.

"What?" asks Stan.

Stan and the others move into look at Kyle's iPhone.

Kyle speaks as they look, "I was about to nominate selfie stick users to the Douchebag Hall of Fame. It'll take some effort, but they might be able to edge out Harrie Reed."

"Hu hu hu hu hu huh u huh u," Kenny laughs in his muffled voice.

Stan says to Kyle, "Dude, it's just a stick for taking photos. Using something weird doesn't make you a douchebag."

"Really? So, you'd wear one of those Chinese hats that hold toilet paper rolls?" Kyle asks Stan.

"No…"

"Why not?"

"That's different."

"How so?" Kyle keeps pressing.

"…It just is."

Craig walks over.

"Hey, Craig," Kyle says.

"Did you guys hear about Tim's mother?"

"No, what happened?" asks Kenny.

Craig answers, "She bought a selfie stick and when she tested it out in the parking lot, she got struck by lightning!"

Eric exclaims, "Holy crap! I'm glad I have no idea who that is so I don't have to waste a weekend at a funeral."

"That's horrible," says Kyle to Craig.

"Yeah. Well, catch you guys later," says Craig, who then walks off to tell other kids.

"See, Eric? It's a death stick," says Kyle.

"Kyle, if God was gonna smite me, he'd have done it a long time ago."

Stan says to Kyle, "An unsettling but true point."

Butters stands up, "I'm gonna go measure mine against Craig's!"

Kenny snickers.

.

Later that day. The boys exit the school toward one of the parked buses.

"Cartman, if you're gonna take a selfie in the bathroom, do it when I'm not in there," says Kyle.

Eric retorts, "Maybe if you'd have used a stall instead of a wall urinal, that wouldn't be a problem."

"Next time I don't know if I'll be able to control where my stream goes!" Kyle yells out.

"Oh yeah?" Eric yells back.

"Yeah!"

"Stan!" Randy calls out.

"Dad?" Stan says, surprised. He walks over to his dad, seeing him in-between buses. Kenny, Kyle and Eric follow out of curiosity.

"Stan, hop in," says Randy, opening a door.

"Dad, what are you doing here?"

"Stan, I have a big surprise. Hop in so I can show you. Your friends can come, too – I called their parents."

"Cue impending doom music," says Kyle.

.

Randy stops his car in front of a small shopping strip that has various little stores side-by-side, most of which are vacant. As he gets out, the boys do, too.

Randy blurts out, "Ta da!" putting his arms out as well.

"You drove us out here to see an un-kempt vacant lot?" Stan asks.

"Not just any un-kempt vacant lot, Stan. An un-kempt vacant lot of your future!"

"Your future looks bleak and un-kempt, Stan," says Eric, leaning in and taking a picture of them together with his selfie stick.

"Dad, what are you talking about?"

"You see that empty place behind me? That's ours! They built this strip before the economy was Obamanated and it's been mostly un-rented since then. But I had the foresight to seize this amazing opportunity," Randy turns around and unlocks the entrance doors.

"So, by 'ours' I assume you discussed this with mom?" Stan says, more than asking, as they enter.

"No, don't be silly; Sharon would never have agreed to this if I had asked her in advance."

"I'm sorry – why do I need this?" Stan asks his dad.

Randy looks at them all, "Boys, brace yourselves – I've struck while the iron was hot to leverage an amazing opportunity. I give you…" Randy grabs onto a bed sheet covering some shelves, "Up Your Selfie!" he rips the sheet off and boxes fall to the floor.

"Whoa, selfie sticks!" Eric looks at the boxes and takes a picture of himself hovering over them, with his selfie stick.

"Damnit!" Randy bends over and picks boxes up and places them back on the shelf.

"Selfie sticks?" Kyle says in an annoyed voice.

"Up Your Selfie is South Park's premiere store specializing in selfie sticks."

"But that's only ten boxes," Stan notes.

"Yeah, but that's all the store had. Now residents can buy them from me. With a fifteen percent markup. My first supply from my distributor will arrive Tuesday. And maybe I can rent out VHS tapes here."

"No!" Stan yells.

"Okay, okay. Geez. Ah, hey Stan, could you do me a favor?" Randy asks him.

"I'm not telling mom for you," Stan shoots back.

"Damnit. So, what do you kids think?"

Nobody says anything for a few seconds. Then Eric breaks the silence.

"Well, Mr. Marsh, I think it's an awesome idea. You're clearly hip and with it," he then holds out his selfie stick and takes a quick picture with Randy (who quickly smiles).

"Sweet – I'm 'hip' and 'with it'!"

Stan comments, "So, you have a product, but you're not open yet?"

"Stan, signs are expensive. Have you seen the prices of signs lately?"

"I'm ten, so no."

"Well, they are. So I made this," Randy reaches into one of pants' pockets and pulls out a folded piece of paper. He unfolds it as he walks to one of the large storefront windows, then pulls a roll of tape out and rips off a piece and tapes it to the glass. "Damnit, some of it stuck to my hand. Hate it when that happens."

Stan and Kyle exchange knowing glances.

"What does it say?" Kyle asks.

"Up Your Selfie. Now Open," Randy answers.

"Dad, this seems like a really bad idea."

"Stan, people want selfie sticks. It's a thing – I saw it on youtube."

"Yeah, Stan, get with it," Eric mocks Stan.

"Clearly something is wrong if Cartman is 'with it'," Kyle comments aloud.

Eric says to Kyle, "It's basic evolution, Kyle. People are born with it, eventually they get it, and as they get older they lose it."

Kyle responds, "One: that's not how evolution works, two: you do realize you age, too?"

The door opens an in steps a man. Randy stops trying to get boxes on the shelf perfectly straight with the shelves edge; he walks over quickly.

"See, Stan? Yes, sir – how can I help you?"

"Is this Up Your Selfie," asks the man.

"Yes, sir, South Park's premiere selfie stick buying experience."

"Excellent, it's about time this town had a selfie stick store."

"Right on. I take it you partake in the selfie arts?" Randy asks.

"You could say I'm a selfie rod connoisseur," the man replies.

"Rod?" Randy asks.

"Oh, 'rod' is what we who take it seriously call it. I'm proud to say I'm a rod man."

"More power to the rod," Randy says, making a fist.

"No, we don't do that," the man corrects Randy.

"Sorry. What kind of rods do you like?"

"I like my rods thick and long. The extra length makes for better pictures. There's nothing like a long firm rod in your hand."

"Whuwhuwhuwhuwhuwhuwhu," Kenny laughs, grabbing his stomach in laughter.

"Oh, I thought length didn't matter," says Randy.

"Of course length matters. Us rodders know that. Long rods, thick rods, rods ribbed for our holding pleasure, and almost as important: a special rubber grip so you're always holding a warm rod; there's nothing worse than a cold shaft."

"So, what are you in the market for?" Randy asks the man.

"I've been wanting an ultra-titanium double-length Jeremy. Hard to come by."

"Ummm. Let me see…" says Randy, looking over the small amount of boxes he has, "no, still only have just these."

"I'll take that one," says the man.

"Excellent choice. Ah, which one was that?" Randy asks.

"Oh, anyone will do. I love having rods I've never had before. Life would be pretty boring if I couldn't hold as many different rods as possible."

"I hear that. Okay, that'll be $13.28," Randy rings it up on the cash register.

"Here you go," says the man after fishing some money out of a pocket.

Randy hands over the change, "Thanks for your business, mister … ahhh…"

"Dennis."

"Come again!" Randy waves as the man walks off.

The man exits the shop.

"See, Stan? That's how you do business."

"By opening a store you can't afford and selling a product you know next to nothing about?" asks Stan.

"You'll understand when you're older."

"Are you at least advertising?" asks Stan.

"Oh crap – I forgot that part."

Eric says to Stan, "Stan, this product practically sells itself. Though a little advertising never hurt anything."

Randy ponders, "Hum, I guess I'll have to think about that. Let me drive you kids home – I'm sure you have homework to do."

Randy opens the door while the boys walk out. They talk as they walk to the car; Randy locks up.

"I can't believe your dad is the purveyor of douchesticks," Kyle says to Stan.

"Kyle," Eric points, "a war is coming. You're either for selfie sticks or against them. Chose."

"Oh, fuck – not another war," Kyle says, annoyed.