"I was glad to exert my influence, as soon as the Master told me that you were the one responsible for everything I've been writing about and campaigning against for a long time," said Merry Brightspouse, "Your appearances on our planet have been coincident with the worst occurrences of rank violence. You attract alien invaders like flypaper and bring nothing but the most depraved scenes. Every one of your adventures has little children hiding behind the couches while the prime time news coverage is on air."
"Well it's all very subjective," said the 4th Doctor, "The Master's given you my resume. You don't like it. I've got a simple solution. You just don't hire me to appear at your next social function."
"Your flippant humour is not appreciated. Thanks to the Master, I now have the means to expose you to the whole world," said Merry Brightspouse.
"Only you would find the most determined opponent I could ever have to be your ally," said the Doctor, "What do you propose to do?"
"I propose, dear Doctor, to have you handcuffed and interrogated and then imprisoned for your meddling in earth's affairs and for upsetting the decency of my sweet partner Merry Brightspouse," said the Master.
"You mean you two are like …? It all becomes clear to me now. Stun him, K-9."
The Master raised a device which looked like a harmless fountain pen or flashlight to Merry Brightspouse. He could never convince her otherwise, nor convince her that the Master was the real source of earth's violent dangers, especially during the time of his 3rd self's long exile to earth. Yet the 4th Doctor recognised it as the Master's muscle tissue compression gun. What effect it would have on the metallic and digital components of K-9 he did not know. For the moment he would rather play out the game. What possible evidence could the Master have given Merry Brightspouse and the MI5 against him, that was not held on UNIT's records? One call to Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart and this farce would be over and the hunt for the Master resumed.
"Stay, K-9," said the 4th Doctor, "We'll go to the interrogation room as they've asked."
"Doctor, we must fight these hostile tribesmen!" said Leela.
"Not now," said the 4th Doctor.
He allowed himself to be handcuffed and interrogated in a crude form of trial conducted by Merry Brightspouse and the Master.
"In conclusion it is my contention that the Doctor's continued appearance on Earth will bring more trouble and less peace, unless it is prevented now. The Doctor should be confined to an MI5 cell until all his regenerations have been lived out," said Mrs Brightspouse.
"Poppycock," said the Doctor, "How would I buy more supplies of Jelly Babies?"
"Need I say more?" asked Mrs Brightspouse, "This vile man's very protestations only prove his intent to role model himself to small children as an advocate for high sugar intake. He should be taken away now!"
In his own digitized way, the 4th Doctor's latest and most electronic of companions sensed that something was clearly wrong. K-9 Mk 1 was ready to test the speed of his stunner against the muscle tissue compression gun.
"Master?" he spoke up, hoping for an instruction from the Doctor to act upon.
"Be quiet, you glorified tin suitcase!" said the Master.
"Negative. This unit was not referring to you, but to its own master," said K-9 Mk 1.
"Not yet, K-9," said the Doctor, "It is my contention that you have no way of knowing that my further trips to earth would not in fact save the planet from more violence than it would otherwise be exposed to … or something like that. Grammar was never my strong point."
"What nonsense!" said Mrs Brightspouse, "Your track record has been so bad that I've even written countless letters to BBC News asking them to stop documenting your adventures. How can you possibly tell this tribunal that things will get better when you're here in the future, if we let you go free?"
"Maybe he can't, but we can," said Rose Tyler.
She stepped into the room with the 9th Doctor at her side. Behind her, they were followed by the 5th Doctor and Turlough, the 6th Dr and Mel, the 7th Dr and Ace, the 8th Dr with no companion at his side, and the 10th Dr with Donna Noble and Sarah Jane Smith and K-9 Mk IV.
"What's going on? How did you all find your way here?" asked the 4th Doctor, "Oh, of course, I am the sum of my memories."
"Correct," said the 5th Dr, "In fact I said that not too long ago. Each of us remembered this incident and hence knew the way to bring our companions here as expert witnesses of your future conduct on earth, not to mention the Master's depravities throughout the universe."
"How dare you!" said Merry Brightspouse, "The Master has a charming coiffeur, not the sloppy long curly mess of the incumbent version of yourself under investigation. I see that it recurs in this version here albeit blonde, along with his increasingly ridiculous costume."
"Oh, you're a fashion critic!" exclaimed the 6th Doctor, "With such an expert in time space travel criticizing me, I simply must be bad for earth."
"Now listen," said Ace, "The Doctor has saved earth countless times since 1977.
"The audacity of you to be pleading his cause," said the Master, "You're not only the first of his companions to exhibit a fixation with explosives, but you also are the companion of the version of the doctor who caused the greatest inachronismic atrocity of all earth' history. Still you wouldn't know. To you, it hasn't happened yet. However by studying the records at Torchwood, I have learned of the Doctor's worst crime against humanity. Mrs Brightspouse, would you like to proceed with the evidence? I have supplied you with all that you need to know?"
"It would be my pleasure, and I use the term loosely," said Merry Brightspouse, "Perhaps the rest of you Doctors should take seats."
The Doctors and their companions all sat down, except for the two K-9s Mk 1 and IV, who wheeled close to each other and used their probes to exchange extraordinairy amounts of data with each other silently. The potential for a time paradox would be averted by K-9 Mk 1 never revealing anything unsuitable to the 4th Dr and Leela.
The 4th Doctor cast a reassuring smile at Sarah Jane Smith, who had aged 30 years since he'd last seen her and then come back from 2007 to help his 10th self, if appearances were anything to go by. She looked the same loyal friend he'd known right up until he'd had the recent call to Gallifrey, dropped her off near South Croydon in 1976 and shortly after met Leela.
"After an extensive study of the archival records of an organisation known as Torchwood, the Master has discovered something so ghastly that the BBC should censor all of it, if it should have occurred in our time," said Merry Brightspouse.
"Torchwood," said the 10th Dr, "The Master should be the one on trial for meddling. I only learned of Torchwood's evolution myself recently."
"Torchwood was set up in Queen Victoria's time," said the Master, "And I had no trouble crossing paths with its operatives, using my own TARDIS to travel in time."
"If I may continue," said Merry Brightspouse, "The Master discovered that the 7th Doctor was in the habit of stuffing live ferrets down his trousers while performing ridiculous shows on stage, only adding to his repertoire of vulgarity as time went on."
"Objection," said the 7th Doctor, "What goes on down my trousers is of no relevance to this hearing."
"I shall establish the greatest of significant relevance," said Mrs Brightspouse, "With regard to the aforementioned ferrit stuffing, the 7th Doctor did so, completely forgot about the ferret after he went back to his TARDIS, listened to a phonograph record and then had an adventure which led to his regeneration, after which he went wandering recklessly through time in the TARDIS until it materialized in the underground sewers of Victorian London. As the Doctor staggered out of the TARDIS, still adjusting to having regenerated into his 8th self, the ferret finally slithered out of the Doctor's trouser leg and wandered the drains. Having absorbed copious amounts of regeneration energy from the 7th Doctor's transformation into his 8th self, the ferret began to grow and grow until it reached a giant size. The 8th Doctor returned to the TARDIS, oblivious to the terrifying damage that he had just callously unleashed on Victorian London. Shortly after that, the 4th Doctor and Leela arrived in Victorian London, and could not account for the presence of what seemed to be a giant rat. So he incorrectly assumed that it had been enlarged by Weng Chiang, who was clashing with the 4th Doctor in Victorian London. Such horrific atrocities would never have been possible if the Doctor had not indulged in all of the liberties documented for this hearing today."
