"Here's your food." Mr. Aishi slammed a plate down on my desk. I looked up at him, fighting my comfortable silence to try to thank him. I found talking was becoming harder and harder in the years I had been there.
"Th-Thank thank ya-y-you u." I managed to stutter out. He rolled his eyes at me.
"Don't pretend to be a polite young man. You turned my daughter into a fucking psychopath, I hope you're happy with yourself."
"I-I'm sor sor sor sorry. I-I-I-I didn didn't me me mean i-it it."
"You're only sorry because you have to deal with the consequences now. All of those people's blood is on your hands, don't you ever forget it."
I rested my head against the wall as I watched him leave. All of those girls Ryoba killed… I caused it. I made her go insane. I took that man's daughter away. I was the lowest of scum. The door clicked louder than an explosion when he looked the door then left. Ryoba was out of town with the cheerleading team. I had heard her mother and father discuss how well she had been doing. She and her team had made it to nationals, which meant it would be a while before I saw her again. It made me happy that I didn't have to see her. Every time I saw her, heard her voice, or felt her touch, it made me want to cry. I knew crying only made everything worse, made me look like a fucking wimp, but I was losing what little will to survive I had left with every day I was forced to spend with her. The guilt of driving that girl mad, killing all of those girls I cared about, and taking away the child her parents raised, it made me feel like a monster. I was a monster. I hated myself more than I hated Ryoba. I hated myself FOR hating Ryoba.
I eventually picked at my dinner and forced myself to eat something. Eating was hard. I felt too ill to really eat anything, and keeping food in my system was another challenge in itself. Most of my time was occupied with either listening to music or sleeping. I didn't have the energy to read or watch tv. The news was still talking about Ryoba's innocence… It just made me nauseous. I found most things made me nauseous those days. I lied down in my bed after forcing myself to eat the rice I was given. I closed my eyes and tried to erase the thoughts from my mind. All I wanted was to escape into the abyss of nothingness and stay there for eternity.
I watched Ayano play with Lacey in the living room, seeming to enjoy her weekend. I looked around to see what everyone in the house was doing. Ayano was spending time with her rabbit, Mom was watching the tv, and Dad was reading a book. I, myself, was sitting on the floor with Ayano, still holding a bowl of rice that I had been trying to eat over the past hour. It wasn't going that well.
"Dad, are you going to finish that?" Ayano asked, pointing to my bowl.
I shook my head, "No, would you like it?"
"Sure." Ayano took the bowl from me and started eating. Fried rice was always one of her favorite meals. I remember when she was a little girl, I used to make her fried rice with vegetables and pork belly, or steak if we had it. Ayano would always eat at least two servings, even in some of her worst depression episodes. It always made me feel useful to cook for her.
I gave Lacey a brief pet while I relaxed on the floor. The news was still going on about Ryoba's death and involvement with the yakuza. I was honestly getting tired of hearing about it. Everyone kept talking about how nice and sweet they thought she was in spite of everything. It was sickening. I could tell Ayano was getting upset by it too. I wasn't sure if it was because of them talking about Ryoba or Ryoba's death. I was too scared to ask.
Ayano picked up Lacey and walked up to her room after finishing her fried rice. I was worried to ask her what she was thinking. I decided it would be best if I retired to my room as well. I needed the silence. I went up to my old room, which was mostly the same as it had been when I initially left it. A few things had been changed since I moved back in, but I didn't find it in me to completely redo it. I did hope to save my money to buy a house for Ayano and I, I could waste it on remodeling… That and I liked feeling safe and at home in my old room. Sure, it was childish for a grown man to live in a room decorated by a teenager, but I never had the chance to grow out of my room naturally. I knew once we got our new house, my room wouldn't look like this, so I figured there wasn't any harm in enjoying it while it lasted. Besides, Ayano actually thought some of my old poster were cool, so plus one cool dad points.
I lied down on my old bed and stared at the old movie poster I had plastered to the ceiling. I was surprised the tape had held up for this long, but impressed at the same time. I guess my younger self was good at keeping things together. I turned onto my side to face my old guitar. I used to love playing and singing, but I stopped after Ryoba got mad and threw out all my music equipment. I sat up and grabbed my old guitar. A lot of dust had settled on it, making me sneeze while I cleaned it off so I could start playing. Once it was clean, I relaxed on my bed and played an old, sad song.
I coughed violently, feeling my whole chest heave from it. My throat and chest hurt from coughing, but I couldn't stop. I felt sicker than I had ever been before, but Mr. and Mrs. Aishi refused to let me see a doctor. It was too risky for Ryoba.
From downstairs, I heard Mr. and Mrs. Aishi discussing Ryoba coming home that day and how all she'd talk about on the phone was me. I felt my whole body tense up in panic. I didn't want to see her again. I never wanted to see her again. I hated her. I would rather die than have to see her again! Die… I pulled myself out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom that connected to my bedroom. Once I was inside, I started the shower and started to undress. I stared at my razor, contemplating if I actually wanted to go through with my idea. What was the point in not? I had nothing left of my life. She took everything and everyone from me! I pulled the blade out of my razor and tested its sharpness on my hand. It was sufficient.
Ayano POV
It's very strange to live with my grandparents. Dad never said anything about his family, though I understand why. Not because they're bad, but more because they aren't bad. It must've been incredibly painful to be taken away from your family like that. I know if someone had done that to me and I couldn't see my dad anymore, I would be terrified. Grandma and Grandpa Akiyama were very kind to Dad and I. They were always making sure that we were comfortable and happy in our new home. I liked living with them, even if it was very weird.
I never really got to know my Grandma and Grandpa Aishi very well. I remember a little bit of them, but they died when I was ten or so. Mom and Dad never told me much about the circumstances, but I knew the truth. It was a murder suicide. It was normal for my family. Mom's grandparents died from a dual suicide, my aunt and her husband died from a murder suicide, and I knew that more than likely one day…
It didn't matter. It was over. I was safe. Dad was safe. Everyone was dead and we were safe. That's all that mattered. Still, I worried that one of these days, I would wake up and Dad would be dead. I knew he was struggling, but I never seemed to be much help. He didn't seem to enthused about the idea of going to a psychologist about it despite Grandma's constant insistence of him and I doing so. I would be open to the idea, but getting Dad to open up about what was going on in his head was a near impossible task. He would tell me that it would be best if we just tried not to think about it all… But what else do I have to look back on?
I sighed and hugged my stuff bunny while Lacey slept in her bed. All of the news reports made moving past things hard. Everyone knew who I was now. Everyone knew who my mom was. Everyone had an opinion. Everyone wanted me to be aware of their opinion. I just wanted to be left alone and go about school like nothing happened. I wondered if… there's no way he couldn't know. The whole fucking school knew! I didn't have the strength to try to talk to Taro like I had originally planned. I could barely show my face around my own friends. It shouldn't matter, I shouldn't care, but I do. I want to blend in. I want to be invisible. I don't want to be an Aishi.
Ding!
I looked at my phone to see who had texted me. To absolutely nobody's surprise, it was just Midori. She wanted to know what I had put down for one of our homework questions, which I quickly told her… Only for her to ask me a few other questions regarding various things. She was a bit of a jabbermouth, but I liked being around her. At least she did most of the talking so I wouldn't have to. It was nice to have someone willing to talk for me… Especially during all of this mess. All I had to do was text Midori a question and she would ask it for me in class. She was a good friend. A little annoying at times, but a genuinely kind person who was therapeutic to be around. I was very thankful for Midori.
We sat there texting for a few more minutes before I finally went to sleep. I hoped that things would be better in the morning.
