I remember my first time on the train with biting detail, and seeing it before me lurches my stomach and I stumble in some sort of vertigo. I had replayed this memory before in my mind, and seeing it now in life size is disorienting. The Man places a hand on my shoulder. I think he's trying to be comforting, but all I get is a sense of foreboding.

I smile at the image of Severus and how enthusiastic he is and my shoulders begin to relax.

'I hope you get placed in Slytherin. It's the best house." Severus tells Little Me.

I see Little James pop his head up out of nowhere and sneer at us. Looking at this, and at him, I sort of wish I was in Slytherin. You know, so that James would've left me alone.

Although…He's always said that he had a soft spot for me before we were even sorted, because of my red hair or some sappy crap like that. Perhaps his stalker-like fascination with me would have crossed the sacred 'Gryffindor versus everyone else' line.

The Man looks at me and points to James. "That's him isn't it? I can tell by the way your lip is curling." I nod at him, and he goes up to Little James.

"I can alter the memory so that it begins with you and your friend in another compartment. You will have never met your future boyfriend or his other friend there."

Never have met Sirius? Or Remus?

"No, that can't work, I can't erase 8 years of my life. You said that you could erase specific events."

The Man takes a deep breath and looks at me. "Alright, fine."

He waves his wand and speaks these incantations that are completely foreign to me. I can catch beginnings of them that sound mildly familiar, but then they warp into new ones with different accents. Little James seems to fade away, and instead it's Sirius that's harassing Severus and I.

As The Man utters his final incantations and with the last spurt of purple magic flies out of the tip of his wand I feel this burning sensation somewhere near my ear.

He looks at me as I rub the area and he smirks. "You'll get used it."

The gold swirls of the pensieve start to emanate into the memory and soon I'm completely surrounded by the gold swirls and The Man and I are swept off into another memory.

The swirls die down and I realize we're in the Great Hall, and I'm about to be sorted.

The Man looks at me. "You strike me as a Gryffindor kind of girl." He smiles as I Little Me gets sorted.

"I was in Slytherin myself."

"Why am I not surprised."

"You'd be surprised the number of people that pass through my store. I'm pretty good at calling who was in what house." He gloated.

I roll my eyes, "will you just do your job?" I ask. I'm in no mood to socialize or befriend, but to get the job done.

-James POV-

Sirius came out of the bedroom and regarded his friend, who was sitting back on the couch fiddling with his belt buckle.

"No note mate."

"Cool. Let's go then."

"James." Sirius said warningly.

"I'm just tired Sirius. I can't deal with this right now. If she wants to go and sleep over at her friends to prove a point, I could care less. She does this every time, and I'm tired of running around London looking for her and apologizing."

Sirius sighed and looked at James reproachfully. "But the way things are now-

"Lily's a big girl. If Death Eaters attack her, she'll be fine."

Sirius said no more and followed his friend through the fire place and arrived in Remus' apartment a few moments later. Remus looked up from his news paper and took in James' haggard appearance.

"What's happened to you."

"Got into a fight with Lily." James answered. He sat down in the modest kitchen and helped himself to some of Remus's toast. "Worst one yet."

"What happened?" Asked Remus. Sirius sat down at the head of the table, listening closely as he had not heard the story yet. He helped himself to Remus's tea.

"Lily started prattling on about her usual crap, and things got out of hand. I threw something, her mug I think, and she started to throw things, and then she slapped me, and I pushed her to the floor. I know. But I was so incredibly angry. She wouldn't stop screaming at me."

The kitchen was silent as his friends looked on sympathetically.

"I wouldn't be surprised if we were done."

"What!"

"We keep fighting about the same things and we both try to get better but it never changes, and it's just the same thing over and over."

Remus sat up and looked James in the eye. "James, this is the girl that you followed around for years. You've been together for a year and a half. Relationships are never easy, but this is Lily. Your Lily. You love her."

"Not really any more. All we do is fight, and I can't get perspective, Lily is no longer the Lily that I fell in love with."

"It's this fuckin war. It's screwed up everyone." Sirius said vehemently.

James nodded and took another bite out the toast.

"But James. This is Lily. Don't give up on this. Just try one more time."

James got up abruptly and sat on the kitchen counter. He picked up a mug and started to fiddle with it as he regarded his friends. "Every time is one more time."

Remus sighed and looked to Sirius for help. Sirius got up and sat beside his friend. "Look, mate. Lily is not only entrenched in your life, but ours. Lily."

"I know, Sirius."

"Please, just try once more."

James remained quiet and looked around at his friends. He found he couldn't keep eye contact with them for long; the guilt was overwhelming. His gaze swept over the small kitchen, with its sea foam tiles, and maple table. Even for a shabby apartment, Remus made it look nice and homey.

"I don't know guys. I'm going to go for a walk. Maybe stop by Dorcas's or something, see if she's there."

Sirius clapped him on the back and hopped off the counter and James soon followed.

"Wanna meet for a Butterbeer later?"

"Yeah. Alright, I have an appointment at Gringotts to go over loans and stuff. Leaky Cauldron after? At like 2, maybe get some lunch or something." Said James.

"Yeah, see you then."

James walked out of the apartment and found himself in a bustling street. He snuggled deeper into his scarf and thought once again of his tumultuous relationship with Lily.

The months that they had spent together while in Hogwarts were a dream; they were still kids, and were physically protected by the walls and powers of Dumbledore. James smiled sadly at the memories, and was struck by how much he missed her. After that they had spent a year together, living in the same quarters, and yet he was so far away from her.

She no longer gave him that smile that intoxicated him, that compelled him to nuzzle her neck, to want to kiss the corners of her smile.

Most of the time he was just so terribly lonely and heartbroken because Lily, HIS Lily was fading away from him. The girl that he once stood at the top of a Quidditch tower and declared his undying love for.

So here he was, questioning whether or not he was to pursue the love of his life, and fight for their depleting relationship.

He walked down the streets of London with ease, weaving his way in and out of the ebb and flow of foot traffic, deftly dodging old biddies with their stretched plastic bags and varicose veins.

By reflex he made his way to Dorcas Meadowes' flat, where Lily usually holed away after their epic fights.

He knocked on the door and heard the weekends Top 40 warbling through the wood and a musical voice call "coming!"

The door flung open and a blond head of hair and brown eyes widened at the sight of James.

"You look like shit, my friend." She said in greeting. James stepped into the apartment and followed Dorcas into the kitchen.

"One guess as to why I'm here."

"She's not here. What happened? The usual 'you don't love me anymore' stuff?" Asked Dorcas as she placed a pancake in front of James.

"Bottom line, yes."

Dorcas leaned against the sink oblivious to the colander of a steaming pink substance, and placed a knife back in her cooking apron, which was adorned with stains, burns and an impressive accoutrement of knifes rimming the bottom. Her sweat pants and shirt were not spared the stains either.

"It was terrible Dor, I don't know if we'll recover. Did she say anything to you?"

Dorcas regarded James for a moment before picking up an apple and skinning it. "Not really no, she came barreling in this morning, a little drunk and very angry. She borrowed my inventory and went on some search for a store or something. I dunno, I was half asleep. But from talks before about you, I have half a mind to deck you a few myself, the way you've hurt her."

James rolled his eyes and poured syrup on his pancake and dug in.

"Look James, you've hurt each other. I know because I was in on some of the schemes she thought up to get back at you. At the end of the day, though, you have to evaluate for yourself whether or not this is worth the fight, because honestly things are getting worse."

James wolfed down his pancake and stood up, feeling claustrophobic and needing to be alone.

"If you see her, will you just tell her…to just…stick around, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay."

James kissed her on the cheek before leaving and walking back into the street, getting swept up in the waves of strangers.

-Me!-

My hand has found its new home on my head now, after all this memory burning.

I'm sort of tempted to pay this guy to just freeze my head or something.

BUT! The good news is that The Man and I have just finished up with first year, and I'm feeling good.

"You're holding up well." The man observes.

"I am." I say confidently.

"Onto second year are we?"

I nod and welcome the sight of myself and Severus in the Library. There's a sort of illegitimate satisfaction I get seeing James fade into the background. Just cleanly zapped away from my life.

Seeing him go away is like finding that hollow ice in the winter and cracking it, you know? That really satisfying crack and collapse? God it feels good.

OR! It's like finding that really crunchy leaf in autumn and stepping on it. MMmmmmm.

Feels so good.

A/N:

Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize. The idea, perhaps could be attributed to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

So thanks guys, for reviewing.

Annnd i'm sorry about the line breaks. They're being pulsating douchebags. But you're all familiar with that, no?

I suppose you could attribute the memory modification to Eternal Sunshine, it is one of my favourite movies, but I've also seen plays and read books with the same idea, so I'm not quite sure whether to credit it. I will just in case I guess.

But yes, thank you very much for the reviews, and I hope you guess stay tuned!