Note: I just want to go ahead and say now that the chapters for this story will just be at whatever length I feel like stopping at 'cause this is more of just a "for the lols" story. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy and I'll see you later.

Okay begin!


Church woke up the next morning exactly when the time struck four fifteen, with it, the weather forecast, and a few other things appearing in the corner of his eye.

"Alright Carolina, up and at... 'em." he said, pausing when he realized that he didn't just somehow manage to have a dream about yesterday. "Fuck." he whispered as to not wake up Twilight and/or Spike.

'Now what?' he thought. 'Hang on. I'm in a library. I'll research some shit until they get up.'

Church then pulled off the covers and flew downstairs. He grabbed a few books on the history of Equestria and astronomy. Some time passed and he noticed that it was now seven forty seven and he looked at Twilight's clock in the main room to see that it was the same time zone. At least ONE thing was. Church closed the history book he was reading and put each one back where he found it. As he was putting the last one up he heard a noise. His stomach.

'What the...? Oh yeah, I have a body now. Food's kind of essential.'

Church looked around but couldn't find a spec of food in the tree. Maybe he could get some from town?


30 minutes later...

Twilight woke up and stretched before glancing at Epsilon's bed. She let out a gasp when she saw that the alicorn wasn't there and went downstairs to see that "she" was no longer in the tree. The purple unicorn went back upstairs and started shaking her assistant.

"Spike, Spike!"

"H-huh? What?" he asked sleepily.

"Have you seen Epsilon?"

*yawn* "No."

"Uh oh."

Twilight then ran out of the library and looked for Epsilon outside. She looked around town but couldn't find "her"or anypony who had seen "her". A princess. How could she lose a princess?! Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy noticed their friend running around like crazy and decided to see what was up with her.

"Hey. What are you doing running all over the place?" the former asked.

The purple unicorn quickly pulled the two pegasi behind a wall of Sugarcube Corner and explained how Epsilon was gone when she woke up, and how she needed to find "her" before something bad happened.

"You don't need to get all hysterical Twilight. She's probably just off getting breakfast or something." Rainbow said.

"Maybe, but Princess Celestia requested that I watch her. She wants me to try to befriend Epsilon and it will be my responsibility if she gets hurt or hurts anypony." Twilight responded.

"Y-You don't really think she would hurt somepony do you?" Fluttershy asked.

"I don't know. She already attacked on of the Princess' guards and said that she could do it again while smiling."

"Well everything seems alright now, but I'll fly overhead and see if I can find her." said Rainbow Dash and took off immediately afterwards.


Nearly two hours had passed and there was still no word on Epsilon. They even got Rarity, Applejack, and "Detective Pinkie" to help. Eventually they had given up and decided to head to the library to think about places where the alicorn could have disappeared to. When they got there however, their jaws dropped.

"Are you kidding me?!" Rainbow Dash yelled.

Church was wearing a pair of sunglasses and was leaned back in a beach chair on the landing platform. He heard Rainbow and looked down at them.

"Finally!" he said. "I was getting ready to head inside and slap you awake!"

"Were you here the whole time?!" Twilight asked.

"If by 'the whole time' you mean the past two and a half hours, waiting for you to get up, then yes. I've been here the whole time."

Pinkie Pie fell over laughing at the outcome while Rainbow Dash had an annoyed look on her face and everypony else breathed a sigh of relief as Twilight looked down in embarrassment. She didn't even think to check there.

"Well now that you're here, let's go." Church said as he flew down.

"Go? Go where?" asked Twilight as she looked back up.

"To get food. I've been dying for the past two and a half fucking hours!"

Pinkie Pie gasped and pointed a hoof at him. "Swear!"

"Ah, shut up."

"Right. We forgot to tell Pinkie that Epsilon's word choice is a little... extravagant." Rarity said to the others.

"Hey. Food now, talk later."

"If yer that hungry then why didn' ya go 'n get it yerself?" asked Applejack.

"Because I don't know my way around, nor do I have any money." he stated bluntly.

"Oh, right."

"Anyways, we're going now." He grabbed Twilight by the "arm" and started to walk off. "Come along, Twinkle Sprinkle."

"It's Twilight Sparkle!" she replied as she was being dragged off.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie burst out into laughter at what Epsilon just called their friend and the others chuckled a bit.

"Hey, has anyone seen Twilight?" Spike asked as he came outside. Twilight had him stay in case Church came back.

"Y-Yeah! She just left." Rainbow Dash snickered.

"Oh, where'd she go?"

"Epsilon dragged her down to go get something to eat." Rarity told him.

"Epsilon came back? That's great!" Then Spike blushed as his stomach rumbled. "Uh, do you know exactly where they went?"

"Nope! But guess what Epsilon called her!" Pinkie Pie said happily as she bounced up and down.


As Church, Twilight, and Spike were waiting on their orders, the new alicorn had a bunch of eyes watching him.

"The hell do you want?" Church snapped at the ponies on the street, causing them to disperse. He then shot a glance at the other ones sitting at the tables and they quickly looked away.

"You know, you could be nicer." Twilight said.

"Don't give a shit."

"They're just curious. I mean, a new alicorn suddenly appears and is eating at a place everypony goes to."

"I don't care. It's annoying. How would you like if you just came to a new place and got stared at everywhere you went?"

"I guess... not very much." the purple unicorn replied, thinking about it.

"Then, there you go."

After that the food came out and everyone ate. Church was reluctant at first because everything was some kind of plant or fruit in one form or another, no meat, he had wanted to try it; there was also the fact that he never had a body until yesterday so he didn't know how to eat.

"So, when's the party?" Spike asked.

"Party?" Church questioned.

"Pinkie Pie's throwing you a party in order to welcome you to Ponyville, remember?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, yeah. Right. Crap."

"Come on, Epsilon. It'll be fun." Spike told him.


Flashback to Blood Gulch...

"Come on, Church, it'll be fun!" Tucker exclaimed.

"Tucker, for the last time; if the rookie that's coming in is a girl, I am not making up a dumb 'armor check' rule." Church said in an annoyed tone.

"Please, Church? We could just say that it's a standard procedure or some shit."

"No. We both know that you just want to see them naked if they're a chick."

"That's what'll make it fun!"

"Ya know? I'm kind of hoping the rookie does turn out to be a chick. That way, I can watch them beat and kill you."


Another Blood Gulch flashback...

"But it would be tons of fun!" Caboose said.

"I am not going into the vacuum cleaner." Church told him.

"But since you are now a ghost, and ghost do ghosty things, this is the perfect game to play!"

"I'm not playing Ghostbusters!"


Flashback to the windmill...

"I'm not pissing off the alien just so you can fight it! You better not make it mad either!" Church yelled.

"But where's the joy in life if you aren't trying to kill something?" Sarge asked.

"You might start another war!"

"Exactly! War is the most fun thing to have ever existed! We're humans, we were born to fight and kill eachother for no apparent reason! What is life without senseless violence?!"


Chorus flashback...

"Please, Church?" Tucker begged.

"For the love of everything, Tucker, just shut up! I am not recording and sending you video footage of Carolina, Kimball, Jenson, or anyone else in the fucking shower!" Church screamed.


Back to the current time...

"No, I'm pretty sure it won't." Epsilon muttered under his breath.


Two hours later...

Church, Twilight, and Spike were standing in front of Sugarcube corner. At this point Church wasn't even surprised that these rainbow horses had a building completely made of sweets, but he felt like he would get diabetes by just looking at it. He then facehoofed at the fact that the Caboose copy lived there.

"Do I really have to go through with this?" he asked.

Twilight gave him a look that said: "yes" before walking inside with Spike.

*sigh* "Let's get this over with." Epsilon said before he followed them.

He looked around after entry and saw a punch bowl, dozens of balloons, a buffet of desserts (a majority of them being cupcakes), an ironic Pin the Tail on the Donkey game, Twister, even freaking Hunger Hungry Hippos! Then the next thing he knew, Pinkie Pie shouted: "She's here!" and pointed a hoof at him, making everypony turn around and look at him with smiles on there faces.

"Everypony, go say "hi"!" Pinkie shouted and Church's eyes grew as all the ponies talked at the same time so that he couldn't understand a word they said as they walked up to him.

Church slowly backed away from the crowd until his behind hit the door.

'Oh God, no.' he thought before the ponies reached him and started to swarm him.

"Noooooooooooooo!"


Celestia's castle...

Celestia, Luna, and Cadence were having a meeting about Church.

"When you had first told me what happened, I was afraid that Discord broke lose." said Cadence.

"Thankfully not, but the way this "Epsilon" has entered into the land concerns me." stated Luna.

"It is a bit alarming, nopony has appeared like that in centuries; nor has the mention of a god." Celestia mentioned.

"No, not since when Elvis arrived."


Back at the party...

'Five hours. Five. Fucking. Hours. Why and how is this still going on? I would rather put up with the guys than all of this.' Church thought to himself as he sat in a chair as far away from everyone as he possibly could. He had begun to thing about the past and put his hoof to his head.

Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash then approached him.

"This party is awesome! Right, Epsilon?" Rainbow asked.

"Huh? Yeah, right. Great job." he lied. In reality he just wanted it to end.

"Darling, are you okay?" Rarity questioned.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, you're sitting far away from everypony and have a hoof on your head."

"Oh no! Are you sick? I have just the thing to make you feel better." Pinkie said before holding up a cupcake out of nowhere.

"Uh, Pinkie... I don't think that would help." Rainbow told her.

"It always works for me. There was this one time I sprained my hoof and I rubbed a cupcake on it and it got better. No, wait, that time it was sprinkles. But there was this one time I..."

"Just shut up, Caboose." Church interrupted, not realizing what he just called her.

"Caboose?" Rainbow questioned.

Church looked up. "Huh?"

"You just called Pinkie 'Caboose'."

"I did?"

"Yeah."

"Who's Caboose?" Pinkie asked.

There was silence for a bit before Church stood up. "I'm going back to the tree now. Uh, thanks for the party or whatever." he said, devoid of any joy or happiness. And with that, he left the building.

'Did I seriously just call her Caboose?' Epsilon questioned as he walked down the street. 'I guess it's not my fault. I mean, she's basically a somehow even more annoying voiced copy. But do I actually miss that idiot?'

Church stopped walking and stared up in a tree at a mother bird with her chicks.

"... Yeah, I guess I do. God, I hope the guys survived."


Back inside Sugarcube corner...

"And she just left?" Twilight questioned.

"Yeah. It was kind of ominous actually." Rainbow told her.

"What d'ya reckon it was about?" asked Applejack.

"When I had asked Epsilon about her family back in the hospital, she just told me and the Princess that they were... gone." Twilight explained.

"So she's sad 'cause they're on a trip without her?" Applebloom asked.

"No. I'm afraid it's not like that."

Fluttershy's eyes grew. "Wait. You mean like 'gone' gone?" she asked nervously.

"That's what it seems like."

With that, the mane six grew saddened looks; especially Applejack.

"What's that mean?" Applebloom asked.

"Nothin' ya need ta worry 'bout, sugarcube." her sister told her while forcing a slight smile. "Would ya mind ta go 'n grab me a slice of apple pie?"

As soon as Applebloom was out of earshot, Rarity spoke up. "That name probably brought up memories for the poor thing."

"Well, what can we do about it?" Rainbow asked.

"We should give her some space fer the time being." Applejack said and the rest of the group turned to her, everyone but Twilight had pity looks in their eyes.


The library...

Church was sitting down again and sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. He decided to make another recording.

"Church's log #2: Hey guys. If you ever see this then I bet everyone but Donut's laughing your heads off right now, and that you did the same with the first recording. I'm pretty sure I look stupid sitting in this fucking chair like a dog in a female horse body that looks and sounds like Tex. Life here sucks and I found a pink, female, Caboose that lives in a candy house and is on a constant sugar rush. Anyways, I uh... I hope you idiots are doing okay. You're probably fine. I mean you beat Felix and the Reds somehow managed to kill the Goddamn Meta. The point is that you losers are unkillable. Tucker, I want you to keep an eye on everyone for me. Oh, and if you don't keep the suit, don't let Doc/O'Malley or Sarge have it. God knows all hell would break loose. Carolina, try not to kick everyone's asses too much."


Note: Yes, I made an Elvis joke. No, I regret nothing.