Chapter Two: Before I Fall
"The doctors said you could stay longer," Nicholas said, watching as I continued moving around my room, gathering up the things that Ian and Fiona had brought for me, and shoving them into my duffel bag. "You don't need to just go home and rely on pain pills..."
"I need to go home, Nicholas," I replied, forcing my voice to remain patient with him as I kept on putting things to rights. "Iana hates coming here—she senses my anxiety of having her here and she reacts to that badly. I have to go home. I have the medications I'll need, plus Allie's okay to work from home for a few weeks while I continue my recovery."
"It's not because of Josh, is it?" he asked, and I hesitated for a moment, midway folding a sweater Fiona had loaned me, that I'd promised to wash before bringing back. "I mean, does it make you uncomfortable that he was overseeing your care?"
I sighed, finishing up the folding process and looking up at him. "I don't know if you're asking for your sake, or for mine," I replied, and Nicholas looked away from me, as if he'd been caught in a lie. "I mean, does it make you uncomfortable?"
He continued staring at the floor. "I'll admit, I didn't like it."
"Jesus, Nicholas," I said, turning around and straightening the comforter of my bed, despite the notion that they would strip it and wash everything. "For Christ's sake, you're almost thirty-years-old! Stop this teenage boy behavior, please."
"Yeah, and you're almost twenty-four," Nicholas threw back at me, and I turned around to look at him then. "Life's short, Murphy."
I sighed, nodding. "I know that. There were only two things on my mind when I fainted—well, three."
"Three things?"
I pursed my lips, crossing my arms. "Three people, and Fiona will be pissed that she's no longer the third most important person in my life... Well, I guess she still is."
"Iana's the first, I hope," Nicholas put in.
I smiled. "Of course she is."
"So, two people are tied for second?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"Who are they?"
I moved to sit down on the bed, and felt relieved when Nicholas moved to sit down beside me, and I took my hand in his. "You and Ian are tied for second," I replied. "Ian's my best friend and my twin, but you're my boyfriend. I care about the both of you, but the equality runs into a gray area, considering that I met you before I really knew the truth about who I really was, but Ian and I got along better than we did at first."
Nicholas nodded, absorbing what I was saying. "I was a jackass."
I nodded back at him, a laugh escaping my lips. "You were a total jackass, but it takes a man to admit that he was wrong."
"I was the textbook for behaving badly," he replied. "I don't think I'll ever be able to apologize enough for my douchebag behavior."
"Hey, you had a rough past, plus Charlotte had just taken a turn for the worse," I replied, putting my head down on his shoulder. "I mean, once you knew my full story, you could understand when I was a total bitch sometimes, right?"
Nicholas's lips morphed into a smirk against my forehead, before he turned fully to kiss me there, and I felt a rush of something flowing through me at the touch of his lips. "You were never anything but appropriately on the offensive," he replied quietly. "You were just reacting to my negative behavior, and I quite enjoyed your methods of doing so..."
I scoffed, pulling away from him, but felt the scoff turn into a squeal as he snaked an arm around my waist and pulled me gently closer to him. "You're just saying that because I fucked you. I didn't know what else to do, and you were so goddamned sexy..."
"Oh?" Nicholas said, amusement at the back of his tone as he attempted to catch my eye. "You thought I was sexy, Gallagher?"
I shook my head, laugher escaping my lips before I could call it back. "Slip of the tongue—I did not just say that!"
Nicholas chuckled warmly. "Shame," he said, and I felt frozen then as our eyes locked; the only thing moving was my heart, still hammering away in my chest. "I liked it when you slipped me the tongue, Murphy."
I shook my head then, willing myself out from under his spell. "You're... You're a fucking pervert," I said, a laugh escaping my lips.
"Oh, really?" he asked, leaning down then, capturing my lips with his, and I felt a moan escape from mine as I lifted my arms up and around his neck, anchoring myself closer to him, to the point that I was practically on his lap. "I don't want you to go home..."
"Why?" I asked, running my tongue over his lips. "I have to get back to Iana..."
"Mind if I stay awhile?" he asked, and I pulled back, looking up at him in shock. "I know that it's totally cliché, but this fire got me thinking that we need to spend more time together. Please, Murphy—I just want to be with you and Iana..."
I raised my eyebrows at him. "Really? That's all you want?"
Nicholas nodded. "Yes. I won't do anything you're not comfortable with—you're still healing, and the last thing I'd want to do is push you..."
"But?" I asked.
"But I like the feeling of holding you at night," he admitted. "That's all I want. To sleep next to you, and to hold you."
I nodded. "Okay," I replied, getting to my feet and organizing my duffel again, remembering the last time I used it was to flee to Mexico.
"Okay? Just like that?"
I smirked, turning to look at him over my shoulder. "It's okay with me, Nicholas, but you've got to get past the warden."
"The warden?" Ian asked, stepping into my room without knocking as I straightened up. "Is that what you call me when I'm not around?"
"That, among other things," I replied, moving towards him and accepting his hug. "How's things going today?"
"Fiona is at the house, watching Iana and Liam, until we get back," Ian said carefully. "We have to be quick, though—she needs to get back to the diner."
I nodded. "Understood," I replied, turning back to my duffel and zipping it shut, before making a move to unplug my phone from its charger on the wall, which I put into the front flap of my duffel and my pocket respectively. "Nicholas just has something minor to ask you before we drive home."
"Yeah?" Ian asked, moving to take my duffel from me before I decided to carry it myself, and turned to look at Nicholas. "What's up, man?"
"I was wondering if I could crash at your place for a couple of days," Nicholas replied. "I want to keep spending time with Murphy."
Ian shrugged. "Fine by me," he replied, turning back to me. "Let me know if you want me to move the crib into my room at any time, okay?"
I rolled my eyes. "Come on, Ian—I'm recovering from a skin graft," I said, knowing that I would be in dire need of some pain medication for it soon. "The last thing I want is this one attempting to do anything untoward."
Nicholas scoffed. "You wish."
"Okay, kids," Ian said, rolling his eyes at our demeanor as I put on my cardigan. "I'm going to bring this down to the car. Why don't you follow in about five minutes? I'll pull it around to the front, okay?"
I nodded. "Can do," I replied, saluting him as I turned back to face him. "I mean, you drove here, right? You don't need, like, a ride or anything...?"
Nicholas shook his head. "No, I drove, it's fine. I'll check on my dad one more time—my mom's still in there with him. Lucas should be getting in today, and I've got to get him from the airport before heading back to my place, where I'll shower, change, and pack a bag. I'll ask Lucas if he wants to stay at my place—I know he likes the privacy."
I smiled up at him then, knowing that I have to put a brave face on now. "You know, if you just want to head over now, that would be fine."
Nicholas's arm snaked around my body again, almost as if he was unwilling to be parted from me, even for a couple of hours. "You sure? I really don't mind walking you down."
I shake my head at him. "No, that's all right," I assure him. "I need to make sure I didn't forget anything and, like it or not, you're quite the distraction."
He smirked down at me and pulled me to him, gently kissing my lips before letting me go. "Only if you're sure, Murphy."
I nodded up at him. "I'm sure. I'll see you at my place in a couple of hours. Please send your parents my love."
"I know they'd love to see you before you go..."
I laughed. "I'm sure they've had enough of me. Let them know that I'll come by as soon as your father is home. I don't want to overwhelm them or anything..."
"You could never do that," Nicholas said gently, and held me to him for a moment, kissing my forehead before letting me go. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
I gave him another nod, in an attempt to reassure him. "Soon... Soon is good." I smiled up at him again as he held onto my hand, keeping it within his grip as he moved to leave my room, the door swinging automatically behind him.
I approached the mirror that was on the opposite wall, next to the door, finally having the courage to look at myself after being confined to that godforsaken bed for days. I moved my now-shorter hair from its position of concealing the wound upon my neck, running my fingers along the bandaged area, tensing a little at the flares of pain that went through me as my fingertips grazed it. I nipped at my lower lip, my brow furrowing at what would've happened had I been alone, in that dark moment, inside the building, as it threatened to crumble around Allie, Hugo, and I.
The surgeon had informed me that I was very lucky, in getting out quickly, and because it only affected a couple of layers of my skin. It had not caused major bleeding, and there was no internal bleeding whatsoever, thankfully. Since they had gotten to it so quickly, and due to the high-quality of care that I could afford, they'd treated me for all kinds of infections, and I was even permitted to take the bandages off periodically to clean the wound, but, of course, would have to replace them immediately afterwards. There would be a scar, I'd been told, and, from what I could tell, it would be a good three or four inches along the side of my neck. My hair could work at covering it but, on a hot day, when I would want to put my hair up, I knew the world was likely to see it for themselves.
Because of my selfless act of saving Allie and Hugo from the destruction, I was now physically marked for life. Although I didn't regret my actions—not for a minute—I did consider, as I had done upon my escape from the building, what would've happened to Iana. I shook my head then, knowing that the very person who had caught me before I feel was the answer. My brother, Ian, would have stepped in immediately if I had taken a turn for the worse—even died—and I had faith that he would've done right by her. Despite my knowledge that this who scenario could've ended in my death, I knew that, by surviving, I would be stronger as a person.
As my phone vibrated in my pocket, I dashed my tears away then, pushing the thought of my death from my mind as I inspected the phone. Rolling my eyes, I saw that it was just Ian, telling me to extract myself from my boyfriends' clutches and to come and meet him. I let him know that I would be down shortly and, after giving my hospital room one last cursory glance, I moved to leave it for the last time.
. . .
Fiona only had the opportunity to give me a quick hug upon my return home, and I immediately gathered Iana to me, needed the comfort that only my little girl could give. I sat on the couch, doing my best to listen to Liam's animated account of returning to school, and about how his fellow students were jealous that he was now an uncle two-times over. Liam soon grew tired of rehashing tales, and finally went upstairs to finish his homework.
"Trevor's coming by later," Ian put in.
I looked up at him then, just as he moved to sit next to me. "Yeah?" I asked, letting out a short laugh as Iana moved to him. "That's great."
Ian nodded, picking up Iana and putting her onto his lap, staring at me. "How are you holding up?" he asked gently. "Glad to be home?"
I nodded. "Yeah, absolutely," I replied, lowering my eyes to Iana. "Are you happy that Mama's home, princess?"
"Mama's home!" Iana said, clapping her hands. "Iana happy!"
I leaned in closer and kissed her forehead, before looking back up at Ian. "I know it's going to take some adjusting, with this," I said, gritting my teeth. "I'm glad you volunteered to be one of the people to see to it. All about angles, you know..."
Ian smiled. "Sure, no problem," he replied. "Do we know how long you'll look temporarily like a mummy?" he asked. "Will you be saving money on a Halloween costume?"
I scoffed, leaning back against the couch and doing my best not to clip my wound. "Two weeks for the bandages," I replied, "and Hugo and Allie have given me an additional four weeks off to recover fully..." I shrugged. "I guess when you safe both of your bosses lives, you kind of become a high-priority..."
"Plus, you're Nicholas's girlfriend," Ian put in.
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, there's that," I replied.
"Have Hugo and Allie said what's going to happen after you can get back to work physically, and not just work from home?" he wanted to know.
"They mentioned that an interim building will be arranged, while they look into who planted the pipe bombs which started all this," I replied. "They have to meet with the insurance company and go through negotiations to find out if there will be enough in the budget to restore the firm to its former glory, and then comes the discussion on whether or not they'll even want to build at the same location..."
"You don't have to deal with all of that, do you?"
I shook my head, checking my phone as it beeped, letting me know I could partake in some more pain medication. "No," I replied, shaking my head as I got to my feet and reached into my purse, the orange bottle staring back at me. I unscrewed the cap and removed two pills, putting them into my hand before I returned the bottle to my purse and crossed over to the kitchen. "Now that Hugo and Allie are running the firm solo, it's up to them."
"I thought that Nicholas was getting a piece of the cake, and that they were considering putting your name into the mix," Ian said, his voice steady as I got a glass of water.
I shrugged. "There's been discussions."
"And? Anything promising?" Ian asked.
I popped the pills into my mouth, chasing them down with some water as I shuddered, the pair of pills snaking their way down my throat to get to work. "Nothing recently, but that's okay. I'm no longer just an assistant anymore."
"Really?" Ian asked.
I nodded. "Really. I heard Allie and Hugo considering it after Nicholas and I had the big win with the Farris case, and Hugo mentioned it to me yesterday when I was visiting him. They're going to make it known that, when we all start work again, that Nicholas and I are the same ranking within the firm."
Ian grinned. "That's fantastic news!" he cried as I moved to return to the couch. "How did Nicholas react?"
"He was there," I replied. "He was just as happy as I was."
He nodded. "I'm glad to hear it."
I cocked my head to one side, hesitating for a moment as I mulled over my reply, not wanting to start a fight, but also wanting my questions answered. "Something tells me that there's something unspoken here..."
Ian shrugged. "Maybe."
I raised my eyebrows, reaching out and gently bringing Iana back to me, who settled quickly into my arms. "Care to share?"
He sighed. "It's just... I don't know. You used to go on and on about how much of a douchebag Nicholas was, and about how things between you were just... F-U-C-K-I-N-G," he said, not wanting Iana to pick up foul language. "And that stunt he pulled in the courtroom the first time you were questioning a witness together... That was a new low."
I sighed, leaning my uninjured side against the couch, twirling my fingers into Iana's raven hair, which had become significantly longer over the summer. "I know it was, Ian, but things are different now..."
"How can you be sure?" he asked.
I shrugged, not wanting to share what I thought I'd heard while under the influence of a heavy dose of pain medication. "Because of the way things are. You've seen us together. He cares about me, Ian, and I care about him. Plus, he loves Iana."
"What about you?" Ian askes then, and my cheeks heat immediately as I do my best not to meet his eyes. "Does he even love you, Murphy?"
I sighed. "It's not like that with us, Ian."
"What? You don't say 'I love you' every five minutes?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Why?"
I turned to Ian and made a face. "Come on. You yourself told me that the first time you and Mickey proclaimed your love, that neither of you knew about it. The second time he did it, you broke up with him, just like the second time you told him. Don't tell me how to go about with my relationship, Ian. Don't."
"The problem is, Murph, is that it's not just you in this thing," he replied, nodding down at Iana, who was sucking on her own fingers, which I immediately moved out of her mouth and took her into the kitchen for a bottle. "Murph..."
"Stop," I whispered, my voice shaking as I retrieved a bottle from the fridge and gave it to her. "I know what you're saying—I hear you..."
"No, I don't think you are hearing me," he replied, coming after me into the kitchen. "You have Iana to think about—she's not just a baby anymore. She's walking and talking, and has her own thoughts and feelings. What are you going to do long-term? She sees you and Nicholas together, and for all we know, she may think that Nicholas is her D-A-D-D-Y."
I looked away from Ian. "That's ridiculous."
"No, it really isn't, Murphy," Ian replied. "What's going to happen down the line, if things don't work out with Nicholas, and Iana thinks it's her fault?"
Immediately, my eyes locked with his. "I'd never let her think that!"
"She wouldn't believe you," Ian cut in, and part of me had to admit he was right, for I always thought it had been my fault when Martin had left Tina and me. "You know as well as I do that children blame themselves whenever a parent, or a parental figure, leaves."
I bit my lip, pressing my face into Iana's hair, not wanting to hear it. "It's not like that, Ian. It's not going to be like that..."
"Oh, so I take it you and Nicholas have planned for the future?"
I raised my eyes to his and give him an annoyed expression. "It's been three months!"
"So, I take it that's a no?"
"That's a hell no," I replied, placing Iana in her day bed and walking back to the couch—a side affect of my pain medication was dizziness, and I would not risk dropping my daughter. "Of course we haven't, Ian. It's too soon."
"Well, what do you want to happen, Murphy?" Ian asked, catching me by the wrist as I walked away from him. "Don't walk away from this. This is serious."
I sighed, knowing that I couldn't say it. "I don't know..."
"Yes, you do know," he replied, turning me around then, taking note of the tears in my eyes which refused to fall, due to my damned pride. "Do you love him?"
I shook my head immediately. "No! No, of course I don't!" I burst out.
"Of course you don't?!" Ian demanded, dropping my arm as if it had burned him. "What kind of an answer is that? Are you afraid to love someone, Murphy? Are you?"
I looked away and shrugged. "I don't know."
"Are you afraid that the person will leave, if you love them?" he asked, his tone gentler this time around. "Because of what happened with Jessica and Lip?"
I kept my eyes averted, focusing on a space of the wooden floor that was darker than the rest. "I don't know..." I said again.
"Bullshit!" Ian replied, and my eyes immediately locked to his, the tears nearly blinding me now as my twin came closer and closer to the truth. "You know Murphy—you know. Why don't you just admit it?"
"Because, if I admit it, then it'll be real!" I cried out, covering my face with my hands. "I'm just afraid that I pushed Josh away and ran into Nicholas's arms because I couldn't handle the perfectionist lifestyle he'd created for himself..."
"You said it had to do with him cheating, and what he was like in bed..."
"Yeah, well," I said, dragging my hands along my face before letting them fall at my side, "it also could've had to do with his saintly mother telling him who I lost my virginity to."
Ian's eyes widened. "Whoa, wait. Josh's mother told him about you and Lip?"
I nodded, collapsing back onto the couch. "Yeah."
"Jesus," he muttered, moving to sit beside me.
I crossed my arms. "And the bitch didn't even tell him the full story..."
"What full story?"
I turned and looked at Ian. "That Lip and I didn't know at the time," I replied, "which, arguably, makes me sound like even more of a freak..."
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," he said, quickly turning towards Iana, who was too busy enjoying her bottle to take much notice. "That bitch obviously has nothing better to do than poison people against you..."
I shrugged. "Hey, I guess she really didn't approve of me for her son. Heaven knows how she reacted to what I did to his nose after I gave the ring back..."
Ian smirked. "That's the Gallagher way."
I turned and met his eyes then, forming my hand into a fist, which Ian promptly bumped. "That's the Gallagher way," I repeated.
. . .
Nicholas was still crashing at our place a week later, when Ian had to pull a double. Iana and Liam were already in bed, and Nicholas was peeling back my bandages to clean the wound for the umpteenth time. I still had a week to go on this treatment, and then I would be able to get the bandages removed completely, which I was looking forward to. I was surprised that Nicholas had begged off treating the wound since the beginning, leaving Ian to do the job himself, with Fiona even stepping in a few times as cover. Nicholas cringed then as he removed the last layer of gauze—separating him from the scar and skin, which was still slightly frayed in some places from the skin graft.
"What?" I asked, determined to keep my eyes down, and had failed miserably. "Is something wrong, Nicholas?"
He shook his head, immediately moving for the alcohol, which he had to put along the scar before the topical ointment was applied. "Nothing," he said quickly, too quickly, as he moved carefully to apply the alcohol, and I winced. "Sorry."
"I'm fine," I assured him.
Nicholas grimaced again, but nevertheless sanitized my wound before he put on the ointment, before he wrapped it up with the gauze and put on the top layer of the bandage. "There," he said, moving away quickly and washing his hands.
"What's with you?" I asked, my voice quiet as I got to my feet.
Nicholas avoided my eyes then, washing his hands in the sink beside me. "I don't know what you're talking about, Murphy."
I sighed, my shoulders slacking as I as I filled another glass of water for myself, knowing that my alarm for my pain medication would be ringing any minute. "Fine, be that way if you want to be," I fire back at him, making way back into the living room.
"Murphy..."
"No," I said, my voice firm as my pill alarm went off, and I popped two into my mouth almost effortlessly, despite hating how groggy that made me feel.
"Murph..."
"Just...stop," I said, hating my voice for breaking, deliberately looking away from him as I gulped down the water in an effort to distract myself.
"Murphy, please," Nicholas said, his voice filled with desperation.
"No, Nicholas, you please," I said, turning around and facing him, and nearly stumbling over when I realized that he was so close. I braced myself against the side of the couch, and Nicholas caught me before I fell, but I promptly shoved him away from me. "No!" I shouted at him. "No, you do not just get to do that!"
"Do what?! Help you?!"
"Help me, touch me—whatever!" I cried, throwing up my hands. "You're acting like you've been walking on glass this past week! I'm your girlfriend—we're supposed to communicate when something's up! Fucking talk to me!" I cried out, my voice breaking as I reached up, cradling his face in my hands. "Say something," I begged him, my voice trembling then as I attempted to keep a leg up in this conversation.
Nicholas caught me to him then, kissing me, hard, and I let him, mentally crossing my fingers that this would lead to conversation. He broke away as quickly as he had grabbed me, his dark blue eyes filled with emotion. "Do you know how fucking scared I was, Murphy?" he whispered, his voice trembling as well.
"Nicholas?" I asked.
"When my mom called, after I visited Charlotte's grave..." He shook his head, his voice breaking as he rested his forehead against mine. "All I could think about was the fact that she said, 'Now, I don't want you to be scared, but Murphy came back for your father and I in the building, and she saved our lives'. This was, of course, after she said that there were pipe bombs and a fire in the building. I was scared, Murphy—scared out of my mind that I would be burying someone else I cared out in less than a year," he said, his voice shaking.
I lowered my eyes, shaking my head. In all of this, I'd never considered any of it from Nicholas's point of view. All I'd thought about was my own heroics and how selfless I was, plus that Iana would've been well taken care of by Ian... "I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling secure with his hands on me.
"Look, Murphy—I'm not mad at you," he said softly. "I'm fucking grateful that you saved my parents' lives, I really am. But the fact that your own life was on the line..."
"Nicholas," I said softly, raising my eyes to his, "I'm fine."
"Don't say that for my benefit, Murphy—"
"No, I'm fine!" I burst out then, reaching up and removing my bandage from my neck as quickly as I could, and Nicholas's eyes widened.
"Murphy, I'll have to do it up again—"
"I'll fucking do it, since it bothers you so much!" I grumbled back. "I need you to look at me, Nicholas—all of me," I told him, my voice firm. "You accepted the burn mark on my hip, and now I need you to accept the scar I've got on my neck," I said, my voice trembled. "It's not going anywhere, just like the one on my hip is staying put."
"Murphy—"
"No, I need you to hear this," I said, the tears frozen in my eyes as my voice refused to stop its shaking tone. "I'm not broken."
"Murphy, I never said that you were—"
"No, but the fact that you're treating me like I can fucking break at any moment needs to stop immediately, Nicholas!" I cried out. "I'm not fucking broken, and I don't need you to show up on a fucking white horse and fix me. I fucking care about you, and I want you in my life, but if you think my life needs fixing, like I'm some damsel in distress or fragile creature, then you're dead wrong!" I told him. "I was on my own until I was twenty-one—no familial love, and just an ounce or two from Jessica. Until I found my family, I didn't even know what love was. Once I found it, I was scared, because I knew I could stand to lose it."
Nicholas dropped his eyes, saying nothing.
I reached out then and tilted his chin up. "No, I need you to look at me when I say this. I know that there's something between us, Nicholas, but if you're just waiting around for me to break so that you can either pick up the pieces, or throw up your hands and say that all of this is too much for you, then there's the door."
Nicholas looked at me then, his eyes wide. "Murphy..."
"What?" I whispered. "What do you want, Nicholas? What do you want from all this? Because if you want me to be fixed, it's not going to happen, because I'm not fucking broken. What you see is what you get."
Nicholas closed the distance between us then, and without hesitation, replied, "What I see is what I want," he whispered, leaning down and kissing the scar on my neck. "All of it," he proclaimed then, lifting me up into his arms and slamming me back down onto the couch, and I reached up then, unbuttoning his shirt faster than lightning, as he did the same to mine, and soon there we were, not a stich of clothing on either of us, making love as quickly as we could, for we knew that Ian could walk through the door at any minute.
