Chapter
3: Loneliness
He woke up with a nightmare and it was the worst nightmare that he had ever had. He had another dream that he was with his perfect lover his fantasy relationship. To many this may not be a problem but to Lucas it was, and this would have been the 3rd night that he was woken up by this same exact dream. Lucas was in a way a very confused boy; all he ever wanted was to be loved. It was just something inside of him that just hated being alone. That's why to him these dreams that he was having was a nightmare, it was almost as though he was being teased and he just hated that feeling. He didn't want to just dream about being in a perfect relationship, he wanted to be in the perfect relationship. He did try though, in fact he tried multiple times to find that "special person". He used to date this girl her name was Anaya and he loved her but not the way that he was leading on. She would always rub herself off on him and for some reason he didn't enjoy what she was doing; he did love to talk to her and have conversation with her but when it came to intimacy he just didn't feel comfortable. This eventually led to their break up and for some reason Lucas wasn't at all upset in a way he felt relieved. He knew why he wasn't upset over this and so did Leo, Alisha, and Alex, it's because she was a cover up. The only reason he dated this girl was to just put on a front to his parents and classmates but he was tired of putting on this front, he was tired of living a lie. So after he had this dream he couldn't even sleep for the rest of the night, all he did was look at his wall in his bedroom while he was lying on his bed. He was contemplating on what he should do and if he was ready to come out and tell the truth to his other friends and family. So that Wednesday when he headed to school he headed there with a motive he wanted to finally be free of this false life and tell the truth. Though he knew that he had to do it slowly and it would take a while for it to happen. The first person he told was his friend Crystal (crystal is considered his wildest friend but she also wasn't really that popular like most of Lucas's friends so she was the easiest one to tell). So with a deep sigh he said "Crystal I have to tell you something important." What?" she said with excitement. (She loved drama so she couldn't wait to be told a secret) "Well will you accept me for no matter what I am? Like no matter what I was whether if I was gay, bi, or if I had a mental disability?" he asked. "Yea….wait are you GAY?" she said in excitement. "No and why are you so loud this is between just me and you. It's a secret remember..?" he said in a hush tone. "Oh yea…I'm sorry. But what's the secret then?" she said. "I'm…..I'm…I'm BI!" it was almost as though he had to force the words out of his mouth. Then he just began to stare at her and her facial expression (her eyes were quite wide at the moment). "Well…um what do you think? Are you disgusted?" he said in a scared tone as he waited for a reply. "Not really I'm your friend I'm going to accept you for what you are." she said with a smile. "But I have to warn don't tell anyone else this in this school. Bay view high doesn't exactly think fondly of people who are that way. But don't worry I won't tell anyone." Suddenly his heart began to beat fast and he couldn't control his breathing. "What do you mean they don't…think fondly?" he said in a scared tone. "Don't you remember the gay boy? Remember he was in our 2nd period class last semester?" she replied. "Yea?" he replied. "Well the reason why he was missing from class so long was because his secrete basically got out to a lot of people and….let's just say they quite happy with what he was." "Wait they beat him up?" he asked. "Well yea, that's why he hasn't been showing up to school for the past few months." she said harshly. And after that moment Lucas swore to himself that he would not tell a single soul about himself in school and his secret was kept safely with his friend Crystal, but he still found it quite hard to keep a double life in school. Until finally one day he thought he found the person that he loved. His name was Damien and during the time he thought that he was the man of his dreams. He was infatuated by him his looks, attitude, and his attributes just kept him in awe. He met him through Alex since she knew a lot of people she told Lucas about him and she introduced them to one another. At first of course Lucas was shy like he was with any other person that he first met. But eventually he opened up to Damien and before anyone knew it they were inseparable, but of course Damien and Lucas wanted their relationship on the "DL". This meant that any affection outside of closed doors was not possible since they didn't want anyone to know about their business. But this bothered Lucas and eventually he broke their rule and he kissed him in public. In shock Damien pushed Lucas away from him and from then on their relationship was never the same. Damien treated Lucas differently afterwards one example was that he never called him as much as he did before he just ignored them. Which eventually lead to Lucas's downfall. At first he talked to his friends about the whole situation and the only advice that they could give him was just to wait until Damien called him instead. So that's exactly what he did, but the opportunities that they did have when they did speak with each other where hectic as well. At first their conversations were all laughter and they would talk about serious topics but now the only thing that happened on the phone was Damien dehumanizing Lucas to "prove his love for him". He would tell him to pay him money for them to hang out, or for him to stop talking to some of his friends or even to call himself ignorant words that Damien would usually call him on the phone. These were all things that Lucas did in a pathetic attempt to ensure that Damien would stay with him and his friends never understood why he would do things for this one person. But they thing that they didn't know was how desperate Lucas was in having a lover and how much it pained him to be alone. But inevitably Damien stopped talking to Lucas (since in Damien's opinion they were never dating since they never had a name for each other). Lucas continuously tried to talk to Damien by calling his phone but he never answered. Lucas eventually stopped calling and he knew he had to face his worst fear. His fear of being alone, his fear of never having someone that he could call his lover. At first he handled the situation well; he just acted normally in front of his family and friends but soon he couldn't handle the situation anymore; he fell into despair. It wasn't until one day that he came up with an idea one that would just bring him more pain. It was a Thursday evening and he was home alone, he didn't answer his friends phone calls and he ignored his families (he had a stressful day as well he discovered that he had E in his math class and he also lost Crystal as a friend due to an argument he had with her in school). Unable to handle the pain he rushed into his living room and fell onto the couch in tears then he stumbled upon a pin lying on the floor. Then something in his head just snapped, he grabbed the pin and jammed it into his arms. He busted out in tears as the blood dripped across his arm. Then another thought of pain grew into his mind and he just grabbed the pin again and scrapped it on his arm in order to avoid the thoughts that caused him pain. Once he got himself together he went into the bathroom and wiped his arm clean from the blood that it was covered in. Finally he looked into the mirror and all he saw was a boy with blood shot red eyes, a brown complication and lips that wouldn't stop shaking. He didn't recognize himself; he didn't know who that boy was that he saw at that moment in that mirror.
