The contents of the note to Mia

Sis,

I'm so sorry. I think in some twisted world, that maybe if I die, you'll be able to live in my place. But this is reality, and I (probably…) am not around at this point. Which.. .I'm sorry for. But I just.. I can't. I just can't.

I lied to even you for the longest time. I was always really… vague about everything. I'd tell you what you need to know, but that was rarely everything.

Maybe in death there won't be any lies from me.

I just want you to know… that… I guess.. What I'm trying to say is I'm gay. Yeah. I said it. You probably could guess it, or Hell. You probably knew before I even knew the word for it. I'm sorry I always said "someone" and not he. Who am I fooling with that..

Remember that kid I used to bully? The one who went to Dalton? The one who… I said I'd kill him if he "told anybody"? Well… I had kissed him. Stolen his first kiss really… I feel… felt… so horrible about it. He looked so hurt, and I just wanted to hold him and tell him everything. But he pushed me away, and I reacted. And wrongly. But I could apologize as much as I want and things probably will never change.

I… think… I dunno. I think I love him. But then I think I just like him because he's the only other out kid at school… But there is that preppy, smarmy bastard that I'm pretty sure is his boyfriend and I can't compare to that. I just… I can't. Kurt doesn't even like me. He called me chubby and not his type and … I wish I could change that. He's everything I am not. Out. Proud. Not an… what was the word.. Neanderthal. But Kurt.. He's so… I just want to protect him from the world. I just want to protect him from the dark and the hate and just be there. But I can't. I don't think I can.

It's like I'm some sort of little boy who doesn't know how to show affection aside from.. Well harm and teasing.

I could never kill anyone. You know that. If it's made a pixels, sure it's down. But living is different… Life is something… something that's hard to throw a way. And before you say anything, I'm not throwing mine away. I stopped living a long time ago.

It's just so hard, it's so FUCKING hard. And I'm tired of fighting it. I'm worn down.

I hope you understand. I'm sorry that I can't be there to hold your hand at the end anymore.

I love you so much and I could have never asked for a better sister.

Take care.

Dave.

Mia, there is a letter with yours that goes to Kurt. Don't read it. Just… I hope he can get it someday.

As soon as Kurt had gotten home, and after he filled his stomach full of lasagna that definitely warranted the reaction it had from Finn, he fell onto his bed, the letter from Dave was jutting out from his book bag. It took some time for Kurt to look at it, or even pull it from the bag. So, he did the only other logical thing a teenager could do.

He procrastinated on homework with face book. Oh the unbelievable lure of the internet.

By the time word had gotten out, and the present, word had spread to the whole student body that Karofsky was in the hospital. Rumors were all over face book and Kurt just scoffed at the ridiculousness at some of them. Most seemed to have heard the truth: suicide. Kurt's mouse hovered over the search bar, thinking. Quickly, he searched for Dave's name. His wall was full of hockey jocks and footballers wishing him well and a message from Jacob Ben Israel asking for a "Straight from the horses mouth special interview" on the incident. In a moment of madness, which is what Kurt will say, he clicked 'Add Dave as a friend?" and in the textbox he wrote, "If you can read this, then I've taken the first step as to us being friends." He sighed, and turned to the envelope, finally deciding it was time to read it.

The envelope was small, and crinkled. Like it had been opened and closed dozens of times before it was sealed.

The enclosed letter had more care in to writing it. Dave read it through a dozen times making sure that he didn't come off like some illiterate fool, and making sure he was legible by taking his time

Hummel,

I've only called you "Kurt" a hand full of times before, and I don't think I can start that know. It would feel wrong, to call you by your first name right now, I don't deserve that. I know I don't. I did so many horrible things, said so many horrible things. And I can't take them back, and I can't make them better. Hopefully with time the memory of it all will sting a little less for you.

But I feel that the pain will never dull for me.

Every time I pushed you or called you a name, felt like a fire-hot poker in the heart, each tease opening the hole a little bigger. Finally… it felt like my whole heart was burnt up.

Every one blamed me. But that was okay, I blamed myself too. The halls felt so weird. After I came back… everyone sort of left me alone. It was only some of the glee kids that would get on my case about making you leave. But it's okay, I deserve it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm a stupid jerkwad, Neanderthal, oaf, whatever you want to call me, I don't care. Because it's all true, and I deserve it all.

Lets cut to the chase.

I'm gay.

Which I guess you could have guessed due to the… locker room… But. That's not it all.

I also love you.

At least I think I do. I've never felt this way.

You just… you're just everything I'm not. And you know it. You'll never be able to see me as more than the bully who made your life hell in high school.

Once again, sorry.

I never meant to hurt you. I just … I can't cope. I know that my family will love me no matter what, at least I think, but that doesn't mean that I love myself. And I'm pretty sure Azimio knew, at least he stopped pressuring me to get laid after I snapped at him a few times.

You're everything I'm not. And for lack of less-gay word, you're damn fabulous and you aren't afraid to tell everyone that you know it. And I wish I could… I dunno. Be as proud as you are. I'm sorry I brought you down so low in life. I… I just. I don't know. I just don't.

I could never… ever follow through with my threat. It might have seemed like it though. But I'd never be able to do it.

I know this probably won't change your opinion of me, I don't think it ever will. But I hope that this makes my death a little bit easier on you to know that you are not the blame. It's just me, I messed up and I deserve it. (I deserve a lot of crap….)

Sorry. I hope your life from now on a bit easier.

Dave.

PS; I guess if you're reading this you met my sister? Can.. You do me a favor? Just.. Make sure she's ok? She's… sick. And she never really had any friends… Just…. Do me a favor of not judging her based on me. She's a good kid. Take care of her? She's going to need someone to hold her hand in the end…. And I'm not strong enough. If you don't want to, that's okay though. I just know that if anyone could make my sister truthfully smile again, it would be your sparkly ass.

Kurt must have read though the note at least half dozen times before he set it down, his eyes wide and the paper still held tightly in his hand. He could smell something faint on the paper, a mix of oranges and something Kurt was unable to determine, of humans. Little did he know, Dave had clutched that to himself in a wrinkled hug and what Kurt was smelling was the nostalgic mix of locker room, and Dave himself. He stared at the writers name, scribbled out a handful of times, switching from full name, to last name to just his first.

Kurt's eyes went to the last line of the post script, cleverly ignoring the last two words, and smiled at the idea that Dave only thought that knowing Kurt would make his sister smile again. Kurt's breath caught in his throat. How in 6 readings did he miss this? A heavily erased "God knows knowing you just existed you made me smile." Kurt's hand was at his mouth and tears were invading his eyesight. He told himself that he shouldn't cry over something like this, a letter from is former bully, but he did. He felt that gut-wrenching pain he told himself he should never feel. But he did.

It started to make sense, the years before. Even the interaction in the principals office shortly before he left made sense. He didn't realize it then, but Dave had gone through half a dozen emotions in a matter of seconds. A flash of "Please save me" had tugged at Kurt's heart, but kurt hadn't known that that was what the emotion entailed. He didn't know it, but he had helped speed up Dave's inevitable downfall. It wasn't Amelia who needed someone to catch her when she fell. It was Dave.