Disclaimer: I'm afraid I don't have the good fortune required to own two really hot brothers and their TV show.

Keeper of My Identity

(What They Know)

A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self. ~Marian Sandmaier

You'll be amazed what you'll find, if you look through my eyes ~Phil Collins, Look Through My Eyes

There's no other love like the love for a brother. There's no other love like the love from a brother. ~Astrid Alauda

Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago - the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider... It doesn't seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we've traveled. ~Jane Mersky Leder

Sam

I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three. ~William Blake

Sam had never known anyone with a heart as strong as Dean's. He hadn't known it until he had rejoined him on the hunt for their father. Oh, he had always known how brave and strong and loyal Dean was, always. That was Dean. It was one of those things that you always know about a person, but don't fully appreciate. Well, until it's not right in front of you anymore, at least. Sam had always loved his brother, more than anything else in the world. Hell, he had hero-worshiped Dean for as long as he could remember. He would never tell Dean that, of course, but even now he revered his brother. Dean was an amazing fighter, and he could do things Sam couldn't. He could live this nomad hunter life they lived without any regrets. He even enjoyed it. And Sam had, until recently, longed for a normal life. Now he could appreciate what they did, how much good they did, but a part of him still missed being able to pretend. But Dean was different. He liked being not-normal. He liked saving people, even though he got no reward. The only thing he regretted about their life was putting Sam in danger.

Sam knew that Dean was introverted. He was quick as lightning to hit on a pretty girl, and he acted for all the world like an easy-going, macho-man, charming, hero type. And he was, to an extent. But when conversation got close to his heart, he clammed up, tried to blow it off with jokes and distractions. He never liked to talk about his emotions. Sam knew that Dean thought expressing them made him weak, like he was exposing vulnerability. By Sam's guess, it probably all came back to his mother. First she had died. And then their dad became obsessed with hunting. Dean was used being disappointed emotionally. He didn't get the love and affection that he had been given without reserve before Mary had died. So he kept his feelings locked up, because he knew he couldn't depend on anyone to help him deal, or to comfort him. John loved them, and Dean knew that, but he had to look out for himself when it came to what he felt. But even though he didn't really consciously understand that, he had done everything he could to keep Sam from growing up the same way. Sam remembered when they were kids, and Dean was his pillar. His rock, his protector, his favorite person in the world. Dean was still all of those things. When they were little, Dean had taken care of Sam and cared about him. He talked to him and comforted him and babied him and guarded him. He had hugged Sammy all the time and told him he loved him. But when Sammy started to grow up, that started to fade. Now hugging was taboo, and saying 'I love you' was off-limits. Sam loved how much Dean cared about him, but as a child, he had never really seen all of Dean's pain. Children are dependant. It never occurs to them that maybe those they depend on need someone to help them too. And now Sammy was grown and he could see every time Dean locked himself up, and he knew that in some ways Dean still thought of him as that little boy, who needed protecting from everything. But Sam was strong enough to help. Finally, he was big enough to do what he'd always wanted, and support Dean, if Dean would only let him.

Sam knew that Dean had always depended on him. Not the same way that Sam depended on Dean. No, Dean had always depended on protecting Sam, on giving Sam as much as he could, on Sam's very life. Dean clung to that because it gave him something to live for. As long as Sam lived, Dean could live. Because Sam loved him, and more than that, Sam needed him, for protection, and needed him just because he loved Dean. Dean depended on the fact that Sam loved him, that Sam would care if Dean was gone. That Sam would hurt if Dean was gone. Because Dean hated anything that hurt his little brother. And that, keeping Sam unhurt, and the fact that someone would care if he was gone, gave him the will to live.

Sam knew that Dean was smart. He teased Sam a lot about having a college education, but Dean was just as smart, if not smarter than Sam. Not the same way, not book smart, but Dean was smarter about people and the big picture. Yeah, more often than not, Dean was a colossal ass, but when it counted, he cut right to the heart of things. After the carnival, what he had said about Sam trying to make things up to their dad had been right on the nose. It had hurt, sure, like he had stuck Sam's heart with a pin. But it had forced Sam to see the truth. And he had been able to get a handle on himself. Despite Dean's reluctance to talk about his own emotions, he had always helped Sam deal with his own. Whether he meant to or not.

Sam knew that Dean got scared. Who wouldn't, considering the things they knew? It took a whole hell of a lot to really frighten Dean, though. He laughed at demons that captured him, bantered with vampires, and insulted vengeful spirits. Okay, so he wasn't the brightest tool in the shed when it came to staying out of fights. But even death didn't much scare him. When he had been told he had a month to live, he had joked about it, which nearly tore Sam's heart out. He could tell that Dean was a little afraid underneath the mask of sarcasm that was his armor, but for the most part, the prospect of dying was something he had accepted a long time ago. It wasn't, by any means, something he was okay with, but the thing that scared him the most about death was leaving Sam alone. No, Sam knew what scared Dean the most. He could see it in the murderous, panicked expression on Dean's face, hear it in the desperation in his voice, feel it in the almost unnoticeable trembling in his fingers when he grabbed Sam's shoulders. What made Dean really frightened was the idea of losing Sam.

Sam knew that Dean had a temper. Dean could yell like nobody else when he got mad, and he could say some nasty things if you pushed him to it. Sam liked pissing him off. Not making him angry, just getting under his skin. He still made Dean mad on accident, though. Dean could shout at him, and get pretty mean. But when Dean got really angry, it was hardly ever Sam's fault. It was often because of Sam, but rarely Sam's fault. When Dean got that mad, Sam knew to stay out of the way, but to stay close and stop Dean from doing something he could regret later. When Dean got that mad, it was usually because someone had threatened or hurt Sam. During that incident with Gordon and the good vampires (still a weird concept) Sam had been worried when Gordon had overpowered him and tried to talk Dean into killing Lenore. But he had known exactly when things had turned, when any chance that Dean would side against him disappeared. The moment that Gordon drew that knife across his skin, he felt a surge of triumph. The anxiety had reappeared when Lenore's fangs had come out; he knew Dean would kill her if she attacked him, but he knew that it would not be because he was choosing Gordon. Sam had won that battle of loyalties the second the blade had touched him. He had rushed back to the docks as soon as he was sure Lenore was taken care of. He thought Dean might actually kill Gordon. Sam wouldn't morn his death for a minute, but it wouldn't be worth what that would do to Dean. Gordon was a monster, but he was a human, and generally didn't kill anything that didn't deserve it. Dean wasn't a monster, and Sam wasn't about to let him become one.

Sam knew that Dean cared harder than most people. It sounded strange even in his mind, but it was certainly true. Dean didn't let people in often. It wasn't like he had many opportunities, with them never staying anywhere longer than it took to finish a job. Dean cared about other people in general, but in a detached sort of way. He did grow fond of people they met in their travels. Just not fond enough to hurt when he left them. The only people he really loved were Sam and their dad. And that girl, Cassie. Sam suspected Dean had cared a lot about her. Not enough to make him stay with her, though. Dean had only Sam and Dean to care for, so he made up for it by forging his love with a strength that most people couldn't imagine. It was why he flew into a rage when Sam was so much as threatened. It was why he had sagged and let out a huff of relief when he saw Sam alive in the Benders' cage. It was why he'd told them, "If you hurt my brother, I'll kill you," and meant it, despite the fact that he was tied to a chair. It was why, when anyone threatened Sam, he told them that same thing. Sammy was all he had, since John's death. So Dean clung to him with a ferocity that made him capable of anything.

Sam knew that Dean loved him. It was in his face when he aimed his gun at Gordon's head. It was in his eyes when he headed toward Gordon with a gun for the second time, after the vampire hunter had tried to blow Sam to smithereens. Twice. It was in his hands when he gripped Sam's face that night at the Pierpont Inn when he got drunk; despite his normally rough manner, his hands were gentle. It was in his voice when he yelled Sam's name in desperation and fear. His love for his brother ran in his veins, was ingrained deep in his core. It was what defined him. Sam had always counted on that love, because he knew that no matter what, Dean would never stop loving him, or leave him. He knew that his brother would always be there for him. Dean was Sam's grounding force, his lifeline. No matter what, Dean would stand by him.

Sam knew that Dean was extraordinary. Not just for his gift for hunting, or his cocky, smart-ass wit. Not even for his capacity to tell a lie yet still convey all the sincerity and urgency the situation demanded. Not even for his ability to charm his way into anyone's-even a demon's-good graces, and gain their trust. No, Sam knew that what was most exceptional about Dean was the iron will with which he pursued any task. The steely resolve to prevail when an innocent was in danger. The unstoppable force he became when someone he cared about was threatened. The unmatched ferocity with which he loved Sammy.

Sam knew that Dean's greatest gift was his undeviating strength of heart.