Kelso Dining Room

1978

Kelso gulped down his glass of iced tea, heavily sweetened, and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. Mom pushed the door from the kitchen open with her hip, one hand carrying a large deep bowl of buttered peas and her other carrying a long metallic platter of Salisbury steak. He heard an exhausted whistle escape her lips, each of the fist-sized steaks claimed by forks jammed into them the second the platter hit the table. Even Dad bent over his plate, cutting the steak into triangular bits and wedging them into his mouth before any of his sons, or daughter, could snatch them.

"It's a shame you couldn't bring Jackie over tonight, Michael," Mom said, spooning some peas onto her plate. "Could have used some help finishing off these vegetables."

"Mom, that's because vegetables suck!" Jim blurted. "Just stick to steak, potatoes, bread, and pie and you can't lose!"

"I'm glad Jackie's not here," Clarice said, slapping a butter-smothered knife over her biscuit before cramming it into her mouth. "There's something about her I don't like."

"Maybe it's the fact that she likes butter to go with her bread and not the other way around, obese Clarice." Kasey threw another biscuit at her. His mouth twitching like he was about to say something else, he turned his attention to his left at Adam and swiped a piece of his steak with his fork. "Too slow."

"Damn it, Kasey! I was just about to eat that! Mom!"

"Hush, Adam. There's more than enough for everyone."

"Could I have some more iced tea, Mom?" Shawn asked, holding his glass out in front of her. Rolling her eyes, Mom took the glass and headed back into the kitchen.

"So, Kasey, where are you going with Donna tonight?" Kelso asked between spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. Looking out the window, he wished he was over at Forman's. You could really take your time to enjoy your food over there. Here, it was gone before you even realized it. He had wasted a spaghetti dinner by leaving the thick noodles and light marinara sauce to take a bite of his garlic bread and see what the two tasted like when they were combined in his mouth, and by the time he swallowed, Phillip had taken all that was left on his plate! It would have been a good burn if the little guy had remembered food-related burns are never funny.

"Thinking of getting a motel room after we hang out for a bit."

"Why? So you can fuck her brains out so they spill all over the bed and she loses a bunch of weight because of it that she doesn't even need to lose?"

"Clarice. Language," Mom said, after gaping at her for a solid two seconds, just like everyone else at the table.

"Oh, hon, can you go in the other room and bring me the paper? I didn't get to look at it this morning?" Dad asked, able to look up at her now that he had finished all his Salisbury steak.

About to take a big bite of her own steak, Mom let her fork clink down on the plate before stomping into the living room.

"Dude, you can't get a motel with Donna. Forman'll flip!" Kelso said. He didn't want to imagine his brother on top of Donna. Well, half of that image was nice enough, but if Donna chose to be stupid enough to sleep with someone that wasn't himself, he'd rather it be Forman than Kasey.

"What do you care, Mikey? Foreskin's a square. Pinciotti learned that. Pretty soon, the rest of you will, too."

Mom returned and held a rolled-up paper to Dad. Right after he took it, she held out her other hand and waited for Adam to lift his firecracker off the table and into her palm. Shaking her head, she took a sip of her tea and cut her biscuit in half.

"Why are you wasting time with Donna Pinciotti?" Shawn grimaced from across the table. "She won't put out. She goes to feminist rallies."

"Hey, she put out for Eric Forman, so she'll put out for me," Kasey said, pointing to himself, smirking. "What do you care, Mikey? It's not like I'm going to fuck Jackie…or Laurie Forman, or…"

"Okay, man." Kelso took his empty plate and crossed over to the kitchen door, dodging Jim and Phillip's biscuit-tossing contest. He looked back to see his dad turning a page in the paper, his head completely obscured.

"Mom," he said, putting his plate in the sink, only to hear it clang against the others on its way to the bottom. "Mom, say you got a friend who's a girl, and you got another friend who's a guy, and he really likes that girl and has for a long time and that girl is about to make it with your brother…"

"Please, Michael. I don't have time right now." Mom dashed into the dining after hearing a cry from one of his little brothers followed by a "that really hurt" exclamation. "Just…just…why don't you go over to Eric's? Okay? I've got a mess here."

Picking the keys to the van from the little hook wedged into the wall next to the phone, he hopped into the van and began the familiar trek to the Forman house just a few blocks away from his own. Everything was so nice and slow at their house. Nice and slow didn't usually fit him, but over there, he could calm down, talk to some mature people, show off how mature he was. Yeah, he thought with a nod of his head, mature. See, when a guy is as pretty as he is, it's just logical that some of those good looks would drip down into his brain. A song he memorized long ago broke apart his thoughts.

God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you're under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul

I'm the lord of the wastelands
A modern day man of steel
I gather darkness to please me
And I command you to kneel
Before the

God of thunder and rock and roll

His head banged the air in time with the bass, his mouth widening to exaggerate the deep, devil voice singing the sexy words. What was that word Donna taught him? Oh yeah, erotic. Huh, for some reason, he started thinking about Donna and Kasey and Eric, even though none of them were virgins like the song said.

I am the lord of the wastelands
A modern day man of steel
I gather darkness to please me
And I command thee to kneel
Before the

God of thunder and rock and roll
The spell you're under
Will slowly rob you of your virgin soul

Forman really would flip out when he would tell him Kasey planned on taking things to the next level with Donna, or as Jackie always called it, "proving their love." But, he shook his head, the thoughts coming in clearer now that the song's lyrics gave way to a steady guitar solo that would end it totally, Kasey never acted like he loved Donna, and she never acted like she loved him…well, maybe she did. She hung on his every word, not something she, or any girl, would ever do around Forman, but she wasn't herself. Donna had always been so smart, smarter than him, anyway. And that's hard when the good looks drip into your brain. But around Kasey, she acted dumb enough to wear the Packers helmet in the basement. That didn't seem right.

Damn it, why couldn't Mom have just told him what to do? She had seven kids, so she had to know something about doing it, even though the thought of her doing it was disgusting and worse than imagining Hyde's mom, or Forman's mom, or Jackie's mom. Well, Jackie's mom wasn't too bad, but moms were something to stay away from when it came to doing it. But she could have told him what to do! She could have said if he needed to try to talk to Kasey or talk to Donna or talk to Eric, or maybe not talk at all. Maybe some kind of action needed taking, and he was good at action!

At least at the Forman house, Mrs. Forman always had time to listen to him, and to pat his head and give him a cookie and call him honey.