A/N: Decided to expand this fic to be for Legends of Tomorrow characters too. Ray Palmer's turn first.
Ray drabbles/shorts, mostly early LoT S2 focused but with some other what if's - includes much angst and some whump too. Massive thanks to unwittingcatalyst for invaluable help betareading and talking through the ideas to improve them.
Ray on his and Sara's argument in 2x01
He regrets the words, because he knows Sara is more than a killer. Her past doesn't define her anymore, not like his does.
Sara has learnt from her history, he realizes. She's more than her pain now, even as new pain flourishes and threatens to overtake her.
His is still worn on his sleeve, on the metal cuff that covers very little from his teammates. They know his pain, understand possibly better than he does by now. He'd thought he'd grown, but isn't Sara just reiterating what Oliver had shown him? A suit doesn't make the man into a hero.
Ray on others impressions of him
They call him boy scout, haircut - as if his hair is never out of place, he wishes. They see him as stalwart, unable to accept anything less than the ideal. They make him sound like a perfectionist at times. He might admit to becoming a little obsessed with his work, but he doesn't get everything right. He tries though, again and again.
He shrunk himself by accident, he was declared dead – and no one realized, no one came to save him. If he doesn't get it right - the price for failure is too high. It's perfect or...
Ray about Amaya's words to him in 2x02
It's not a consolation. You're not a hero. The sentiment echoes inside, reinforcing a fear deep within. He'd been able to accept he wasn't good at being a hero – it takes practice, experience counts – but the idea he isn't one, isn't capable of being one because he's relying on the suit, sits with him uncomfortably.
He looks again at the suit. Doesn't recognize the hours poured into it, times his brains and body were exhausted building it. He sees pure technology – how anyone could fit inside and be something more than what they were destined to be.
Businessman Ray taking over Queen Consolidated
It's a mask, he tells himself. He doesn't feel confident but he doesn't have to be – he just has to look it. Play the part of Ray Palmer, philanthropist and tech-savvy businessman. If he can speak the right words he can cast a spell over the board – make them believe what he knows. He can do good here - he can be the boss these employees need and the superhero this city needs. This is merely the mask he needs to don today in order to be the hero someday in the future. He can be that man.
2x04 Ray without his suit thoughts
Science has always been comforting to him, something he'd had when times had been hard, when people had been harsh. Science had been a proof he was worth something when he hadn't felt he'd anything else to offer.
Science is all he has to offer now. That and his nutritional knowledge.
Science had built his suit. Science had led him to this ship. It had also led to his loneliness – in his 'death,' to his being stranded. Science sets him apart time and time again. And now, it sets him apart as only tech support, instead of a hero.
Ray's suit bringing a downside - whump (warning for self-sacrificing harmful behaviour)
He feels dense for not seeing it sooner. Dwarfstar is the densest material known to humankind after all. The suit takes its toll on his body and Gideon notices.
At first it's micro-fractures. It's a flaw of engineering, fixable. Gideon fixes him, he intends to fix the suit. Except he doesn't find an easy solution. That doesn't mean he stops using it. It's a small price to pay after all.
And then he does something stupid, something that goes above and beyond, beyond the tolerance the suit, and his body, has. He pushes it past his breaking point, something snaps, literally. But it's just pain - organic feedback - raw information. He does his best to get past it.
Gideon does her best too. He keeps using the suit, against her advice. Because people need him and he can't say no. He doesn't have time for downtime. A hero doesn't wait for his moment, neither does a villain. His friends need him.
It's like another form of torture in a way, captured in the moments it overcomes him, but it's different because he chooses to keep going. Every time it seems worth it, another victory for the good guys, other lives saved. Until he breaks down in the night, a bone deep ache, the consequence he hides. But he's had worse, he reminds himself.
He convinces himself it's okay, manageable, forbids Gideon to say anything. They'd tell him to stop but he has it under control. He's healing with her help. Always healing something. The injuries repeated, relentlessly. Where one recovers, another cracks under the pressure.
He pushes further. He stills the wince, silences the moan that should spring from his lips. He's a hero and he knows his place. Heroes have to make sacrifices. His come slow but sure.
2X05 Ray trying to fill in for Snart
He puts on the goggles, everything looks wrong. In his heart he knows why – he's used to wearing masks but those were his own, not those that belong to others. This one will never fit, already moulded to another's face. Still, it isn't about him. He shoots, briefly gleeful because it appears to work as intended.
It doesn't work (it never could). Everyone involved knows it (doesn't want to admit it).
Try to be cool is Mick's mantra (Snart's mantra, passed on). It's not as easy as Ray'd hoped. Cool is as cool does, he finds himself thinking. But Ray never has done cool. He runs hot, fuelled with passion, enthusiasm threatening to burst his person at the seams. He's too much, he's not restrained. He attempts it anyway, for Mick.
Mick said find the pain, darkness. Things to channel, because he can hardly channel Snart (it's second best, a bad plan no one points out). And it's not like he lacks for it, despite what others might think. But it's hard to tap into those, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to climb down into that pit and risk never being able to claw his way out.
Zari whump and Ray's reaction/anger at it (warning for violence)
He sees Zari go down as he struggles with his bonds. So much for being rescued. She's out cold when the woman approaches. Just another underling, nothing special in comparison, but she looks at Zari with a gleam in her eyes. Ray doesn't like it.
She looks between him and Zari, takes a step back, then he's speechless as she swings her leg to kick. By the time he's cognisant enough to protest she's swinging for another with a smile on her face.
It's not for defence, or information, it's because she can. She keeps going until she's bored of watching him react – he can't hide his horror at the damage done, and for no other reason than fun. When he's left alone he throws up.
Eventually he manoeuvres his hands to rub against a loose nail and has his freedom. He jury-rigs a device to blow a hole in the side of the building, an impromptu escape route, readying himself, cautiously draping Zari over his shoulders.
She's on the other side, injured, because of him he thinks hollowly.
"Help me," comes the plea.
"I could," he admits, "But you're not my priority." Help will come, eventually.
