It was Pacifica Northwest's day off, and she was going to enjoy it if it killed her.
At the rate it was going, it probably would kill her.
She catapulted off her fold-out bed on the couch at 9:30 in the morning and ran down the hall in her pajamas, whooping up a storm. Gideon peered out of his room, dark circles under his eyes and his normally prim hair sticking out all over.
"Keep it down, will you?" he groaned. "I've been up all night studying."
"What are you studying for?" Pacifica asked, giggling as she poked some of the strands of white hair that hung out of place. "It's the middle of June!"
"College prep classes," he answered. "You can never start too early. I'm thinking AP Chemistry, AP Calculus, AP Computer Sciences-"
"Slow down," Pacifica teased. "I don't think you'll miss out on anything for one day. Besides," she waggled her eyebrows, "today is a perfect day for monster hunting," she finished in a singsong voice.
Gideon's face brightened and he said excitedly, "It is a perfect day! And I've got just the monster!" He ran back to the desk in his room and pulled out the journal.
Paz followed him. "What is it?" she asked.
Gideon flipped through the pages one at a time, very slowly. He was either trying to not mess up the pages or he was playing it out melodramatically. Both were equally possible.
Pacifica fought the urge to fall asleep by commenting on every monster there.
Leprechaun. "Aww!"
Unicorn. "So evil, but so majestic!"
Shapeshifter. "No."
Zombies. "I told you we shouldn't have sold that karaoke machine."
Gnomes. "NO."
Something titled in code. "Why is there a giant baby in your journal?"
Finally, Gideon got to the right page and showed it to her. "Bam!"
It was… it was…
"OHMYGODTHATSTHECUTESTTHINGIVEEVERSEEEEEEEEN!" Pacifica squealed. It was a brown corgi, with dotted eyes and a goofy grin with its tongue hanging out.
"Yeah, and that's how it gets you," Gideon said ominously. "It breathes fire, spits acid, farts… something-"
"It fights by farting?! We need to find this thing! What's it called?"
"It's called a Corgon. You know, like corgi and dragon. We'll hunt it at around two-thirty, okay?"
"Sounds good!" Pacifica ran for the door. "I'll take a shower, you call Robbie and Melody!"
"Deal!" Gideon said after her. "And no, you can't hunt the monster in footie pajamas this time!"
"No fun!" Pacifica's voice drifted around the corner.
As she turned the water onto all the way hot, Pacifica danced around the bathroom, singing barely-coherent lyrics that she made up as she went. She sang in the shower, she sang through breakfast, and she sang as she read the grocery list.
-Pig food
-Wrench
-Motor Oil
-Hair gel
-Sammich material
"Uncle Bud!" she yelled into the garage. "I'm going shopping and I need your credit card!"
Bud rolled out from under a car and wiped the grease and sweat from his forehead. "Okay, sweetie! It's on the counter! Have a fun day off!"
"Thanks, Bud." She walked inside, and finally felt the last of the morning sugar-rush fade away. Her hands stopped twitching, and she grabbed the card and keys to the golf cart. As Pacifica hopped into the drivers seat and gunned the engine, she heard bleating. She looked down, booted Gompers the goat out of the cart where it had made its bed, and drove off into town.
In most ordinary towns, driving around on a golf cart would be illegal and would net you a hefty fine. It was impossible to mistake Gravity Falls for an ordinary town, though. As Paz cruised through the streets, she waved to everyone, and everyone waved back. Pacifica flipped through the radio station - she mentally thanked Melody - and found a classic rock station that she blared. It got a look of approval and a devil-horns gesture from Manly Dan, and a glare from a flock of nuns.
"Where do the nuns even come from?" Pacifica asked herself. "We have like one church, and it's Mormon."
She was deep in thought as she pulled alongside a police car at a stop light. The window slowly opened, and a cop peered out. He had a hook going through his nose, and at his forehead he had the tattoo FOREHEAD, at his chin the tattoo CHIN, and at his cheek - well, you can probably guess what he had tattooed there.
The cop glowered as Pacifica. "Do you have a permit to be driving around on that hunk of metal?" he asked threateningly.
"Absolutely not!" Paz answered cheerfully.
The man's stern expression melted into a warm grin. "Aw, I love a girl with enthusiasm! You have a good day now, young lady!"
"You too, sir!" She waved goodbye as they took different turns as the light turned green.
She pulled up to the strip mall that contained the bowling alley, Durland's Diner and the grocery store. Pacifica ran into Durland's Diner first. She pulled up a seat at the bar. The bartender turned around and said, "Well, hello there, Miz Northeast!"
Paz didn't bother to correct him on the name. "Hello, Mr. Durland! How's business today?"
"It just got a little better when your shining face walked in," Durland replied cheerfully. "Now what exactly can I do ya for?"
Pacifica had ordered it so many times that she didn't even need to open the menu any more. "I'll take a stack of pancakes with as many chocolate chips and as much syrup you got. Ooh, and whipped cream! With a cherry on top, please."
Durland grinned as he wrote down the order. "Metabolism is wasted on the youth, that's what I always say, ya know?" He pinched a bit of his gut. "See this? This is what you'll grow into," he warned with a comical squint.
Pacifica giggled. "Gotta eat while I can!"
Durland turned and barked the orders to Blubs, the head cook. "Will do, boss man!" Blubs replied cheerfully. He turned to Paz and exclaimed, "Girly girl, how is your cholesterol standing up to all of this? This is enough food to give a water buffalo diabetes!"
"Pfft," she replied sunnily, "I am way stronger than most any water buffalo!"
"Fair enough," Blubs conceded, and started mixing some batter.
Pacifica thought about the two. Were they a couple or not? Pacifica had no idea. She thought her gaydar was spot-on, but her ex-boyfriend told her that she was wrong about that.
As she wolfed down the food, she felt her energy levels dropping. She gave a sigh of relief. Paz knew that she couldn't function throughout the day as crazy as she got in the mornings. Now she acted like a normal sixteen-year old instead of a crazy-ass elementary schooler.
She paid and left a generous tip. As Paz headed out, she pushed a quarter into the old jukebox and selected A9, Walking on Sunshine. She headed next door to the grocery store, the song in her head as she grabbed the nearest cart. Humming, she made her way through the aisles, scooping up some bread, ham, cheese, and rainbow sprinkles that she usually put on her cookies. "Do we have cookie stuff at home?" Paz asked herself. "Yeah, I think so. Just in case…" She grabbed a bag of chocolate chips. "Can't go wrong with double chocolate chips. I am so smart."
She walked past the boxes of cereal, pausing briefly to look at the box of Lucky Harms. Paz had no clue who would eat them, but the box art was darkly entertaining. It depicted a smiling leprechaun with what Uncle Bud often called "evil eyebrows" decapitating a grinning unicorn as rainbow blood gushed out.
Comes with a free package of unicorn blood! the words promised. Buy yours now!
Pacifica rolled her eyes, but laughed a little. Messed up as this town was, it was hilarious at times. Her friends back home wouldn't believe her stories even if she had pictures.
Pacifica pushed her cart to the other side of the store, which was the department section. It was no Home Depot, but it had what she needed. Namely, wrenches and motor oil. "Doo doo doo, just buyin' some stuff…" she sang to herself absentmindedly as she grabbed a tank of gas for the golf cart. "Doo doo doo, don't know what it's for… Doo doo doo, hopefully it's for fixin' the Cabo…"
The Cabo was a 1985 Dodge Magnum. It was pure white, it got twenty miles per gallon, it didn't have a radio, the brakes squealed, both turn signals were broken, the windows didn't come down all the way, the brights were like the second coming of Jesus Christ Almighty, and it always smelled like pot.
And it was all Pacifica's after high school.
Uncle Bud had promised both her and Gideon cars if they graduated with honors, and they both intended to make good on their promises. Naturally, Gideon didn't have to try at all, but Pacifica, in her own mind, thought that she had the IQ of a sheep, and worked her neon-clad butt off to get all As. So far, she was successful, but not as successful as Gideon.
"Nerd," she said to herself, rolling her eyes and smiling. He probably hadn't budged from his desk with the journal. Either that, or he was doing more homework. Paz hadn't started on her summer reading list, and didn't intend to anytime soon. It was her one break off a year, and she was going to enjoy it, darn it!
She pushed the cart up to the self-checkout and started scanning things herself. Paz liked self-checkout more than anything. It gave her a sense of control over the situation.
After all, in Gravity Falls, you could never really be in control.
Her shoulder twinged and she winced as she felt the bandages underneath her sweater. Paz had been gouged there about a week and a half ago by the unicorn who said she was "impure", whatever THAT meant. What was his name again?
"Prince something, I think," she said out loud to herself, mostly to keep her mind occupied as she scanned items on autopilot. "Prince… Tuckathonamon? No, that wasn't it. Prince… Jeffina? Nope, that was the gnome."
Paz reached for the next item, only to grab thin air. As she swiped the card and walked out with the stuff, she kept thinking. "Prince Giffery? Nope, killer computer. Prince… Hair Gel?" She stopped dead in her tracks. "I forgot the hair gel!" She looked around desperately. "Excuse me, sir?"
The man in a suit who she pointed to looked up from his phone, surprise on his face. "Yes?"
"Can you please watch my cart for a minute or two? I need to run inside and grab something."
"Um - yes, of course."
"Thank you so much! Also, I love your tie!"
The man looked down in surprise. It was a simple white tie with blue pine tree silhouettes adorning it. "Why, thank you," he said proudly. "My daughter bought it for me."
"That is so sweet!" Paz gushed. "Anyway, I'll only be a minute, thank you!" She darted inside, leaving the man chuckling.
As she weaved between the aisles, trying to decide between Hair Gel For Men and Manly Hair Gel For Men, she heard a faint, "Can we go now?" from the other side of the shelf. She peered through and saw a big dude and a skinny dude. The skinny dude had about three packs of Caimanade in his arms and was trying to not drop them.
"Dude, you try lifting all of these," the skinny one grunted.
"Nah, you look like you got it," the fat one said, not looking up from his phone. "I'll just supervision."
"You mean supervise."
"Sure, whatever."
Pacifica read the labels on the Caimanade. "Glacier Freeze, Fire Cherry, Pain Rain," she read to herself. "Sounds like something from Gideon's Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons game."
"Er, you know we can hear you, right?" the skinny one said, trying not to laugh. "You're not particularly quiet."
The fat one wasn't amused. He put his eyes up to the other side of the shelf, directly across from Paz, and glowered. "What are you staring at?" he demanded.
"Uh, nothing," she stammered.
"Tyler, lay off," the skinny dude chastised the fat one, looking as if he wanted to drop the Caimanade and pull him away.
"Jacob, for once in your life, shut the fuck up." Pacifica winced at the language and imagined the soap in her mouth if she had ever said that in front of her parents or Uncle Bud.
"Actually," Paz felt her mouth say, "I was looking at something. I just thought it was strange that the Gravity Falls Zoo just let their gorilla wander around during the day."
Stupid mouth.
Jacob gaped at her, then dropped the Caimanade with a thud and yelled, "9-1-1, I've just witnessed a murder!"
Tyler turned red and roared. He tried reaching through the shelf at her, but Pacifica backed up and bolted. She ran to the checkout line, threw five dollars at the wide-eyed cashier, and ignored the security alarms as she ran out to the cart, which was still there, along with the man in the suit. "THANKS FOR WATCHING THIS TELL YOUR DAUGHTER I SAID HELLO TELL ME WHERE TO GET THAT TIE BYEEEEE!" she yelled in one breath as she pushed the cart past the golf cart. She made a beeline for the hill, and then hopped onto the cart as it rolled downhill. She risked a look backward and saw Tyler and Jacob at the top. Tyler was waving his fists and yelling while Jacob rolled on the ground laughing.
Paz blew a kiss towards them, then said, "And I've stopped rolling. Why have I stopped rolling?" She had reached the bottom of the hill. Hopping off, she looked up again and saw, to her terror, Tyler running down the hill with Jacob following.
"Oh, sparkles!" she swore, and ran, pushing the cart. Running through downtown Gravity Falls, she made a hard left turn and found herself in a dead-end alleyway. Some garbage cans were on the sides of the alleyway.
"Now what?" she asked herself desperately. She looked up. "Not completely dead end," she said, hope in her voice. The wall at the other end of the alleyway was about ten feet tall, with free sky on top of it.
Studying for so much math paid off. "Ten foot wall, three foot trash cans, five-seven me…" She grinned deviously. "I like these odds."
She let go of the cart and looked at how close Tyler was. Pacifica had time. She looked him dead in the eye, grinned mischievously, and disappeared back into the alley with a running start. She jumped up onto the trash can, then leaped to the wall and grabbed the edge of it by her fingertips. She quickly pulled herself over the wall and landed on the other side with a thud and a crack.
Crack?
Paz groaned in disgust with herself and held up her phone. It had an enormous crack running down the screen.
"Stupid, stupid," she told herself. "They won't pay for a new one."
On the other side of the wall, the two had finally arrived, and Tyler swore. "The hell? Where'd that little bitch go?"
"Dude, don't call people bitches," Jacob told him off.
"Stop being a bitch. There's her cart. Did she disappear?"
"I don't know. She might have used parkour to run off that trashcan over that wall." There was a beat, and the two started laughing. "That's a little far-fetched," Jacob admitted.
"Alright, Jacob, let's go to the gym." Paz could hear the menace in Tyler's voice. "I need to hit someone."
"Would not want to be that sucker," Pacifica said as they walked off, cringing in sympathy.
At least she hadn't run into the most dangerous person in town yet. While Tyler looked mad and could probably punch a hole through her face, he was at least slow and weaponless. The same couldn't be said for-
"Well, well, well," a voice behind her drawled. "Lookit what we got here."
Speak of the devil, and she shall appear.
Paz turned around, and standing behind her was Wendy Corduroy, grinning smugly. Surrounding her was her group of lackeys. Pacifica tried to remember their names, but the only one coming to mind was Tambry, the one with pink hair and the phone addiction.
"It's little old Blondie!" Wendy shouted. "I think she's lost, guys! And what do we do to lost little girly-girls?"
"We smash their skulls in!" one guy yelled. His yellow, stained polo shirt strained around his enormous stomach.
"What?" Wendy dropped the sadistic grin for the first time and frowned at him. "Thompson, chill out. Jesus Christ. We're not monsters. We're just gonna rough her up a bit, ruin her sweater."
"Dude, why are you like this?" the tall, skinny blonde guy asked.
"Hands off my sweater!" Pacifica shouted, trying to scare them off.
Naturally, it failed. "Oh, that sweater is hitting the floor," Tambry sneered, then paused. "That didn't come out right."
"Even if we have to cut it off of you," Wendy said sinisterly, and pushed the bottom of her black flannel shirt aside to reveal her weapon.
An axe. Its edge glinted sinisterly in the late-morning light.
Thompson yelled, "Okay, time out. Why is it that when I suggest something violent, you all yell, 'No Thompson, we can't do that', but when she pulls a fuckin' axe on a twelve-year-old, you all are perfectly fine with it? That's just unfair."
"Dude, does it matter?" the short guy in the baseball cap said.
"Yes, Nate, it does!" Thompson complained. "It's-it's-it's ginger favoritism is what it is!"
The other four stared at him for a second, then burst out laughing. "That's your excuse?" the tall skinny one panted.
"Yes!" Thompson turned red in the face as he realized how stupid he sounded. "It's, uh, because gingers don't have souls! And so everyone is their favorites because- HEY! SHE'S GETTIN' AWAY!"
"Sparkles," Paz swore under her breath as she stopped edging along the alley wall. She broke into a sprint, but Tambry grabbed the back of her sweater. With a rip, it tore away in her hands, and Pacifica tried to make her getaway. The only thing standing between her and sweet freedom was Thompson.
Too easy.
Paz whooped like a crazy person and jumped in the air. She turned sideways, and her feet landed in Thompson's stomach in a dropkick worthy of the greatest WWE gods. With a gasp, he toppled backwards, so Paz was standing on top of his stomach. She stepped on his face and leaped off, running back to the grocery store. Behind her she heard, "Oh my god, she just got your ass!" from Wendy's gang.
As she got back to the store, Paz looked around and sighed in relief. Tyler and Jacob had gone to the gym, and the man with the suit was still there.
"Are you okay?" he asked, gaping at her. "You always seem to be running from someone."
"Yes, sir, I'm fine, thanks," Pacifica replied. She felt the back of her sweater and felt nothing. "They broke my sweater!"
The man winced. "Nothing I can do about that. Can you sew it back up?"
"Yeah. I should get home." She boarded the golf cart and started it up. She waved goodbye to the man and took off down the hill, blaring her classic rock music. As Pacifica drove away, an SUV pulled up, and the man in the suit got into the shotgun seat. He kissed the woman driving on the cheek.
"Hi, honey," he greeted.
"Who was that, dear?" the woman asked.
"I have no idea, but she was a bit… different."
"Well, Tad, sometimes different is what we need in this town, isn't it?"
"In this town, yes. But not this family."
"You did buy the bread, right?"
"But of course, my dear."
"Oh, thank you, Tad. You are such a good man."
As the car pulled away, the vanity plate reading STR4NGE glinted in the sunlight.
It was the early afternoon when Paz pulled up to the Mystery Shack and Motor Repair, dragging the shopping cart behind the golf cart with bungee cords. As she unhooked the cart, she yelled, "I'm home!"
The garage door slowly opened, and Melody stepped out, her forehead glistening with sweat and grease. "Hey there, stranger!"
"Hi, Melody!" Pacifica pushed the cart toward the front door. "I accidentally stole another cart."
Melody sighed, unsurprised. "I'll put it with the others when we finish unpacking. But first," she smiled, "someone's happy to see you." She opened the front door and out came Waddles, squealing with joy.
"Oh my gosh, Waddles!" Paz exclaimed, and then the pig knocked her on her butt and started licking her face. "I know, I know, I love you and I missed you and I FORGOT TO BUY PIG FOOD!" She smacked herself on the forehead. "Stupid, stupid!"
"It's okay," Melody consoled. "We'll get it on our way back from monster hunting."
"Oh, right!" Paz brightened as she stood up, tucking Waddles under her arm. "I totally forgot!"
"You forgot about hunting the most adorable thing in the forest?" Melody lifted an eyebrow. "That's not like you."
"Yeah, well, I was getting hunted by the two least adorable things in the town. Wendy Corduroy and some dude named Tyler."
Melody paled. "Tyler? Big dude, strong, slow, kinda dumb?"
"Really dumb."
"That sounds like Tyler Plinketts. I knew him from middle school. He got held back about three times. That makes him, what, a senior in high school now?"
"Yeah, he looked like he was about that age. He was with another kid, tall and skinny. Jacob, I think."
"Oh, right," Melody's face turned into a soft frown. "The boyfriend."
"Oh. Are they…?" Pacifica held out her index finger on both hands and touched the tips together. Man, her gaydar really was off.
"No, but they might as well be. Jacob is a good guy, really, but for some reason he keeps hanging out with Tyler."
"Well, there's got to be some way to beat Tyler, right? Some secret of his?" Paz had learned long ago that everyone had secrets, and that was the best way to beat them.
"I'm sure he does. An embarrassing middle name. Weird fetish. Third nipple. Something like that. Those a-holes always do."
"Pfft," Paz giggled. "Third nipple. That's ridiculous."
"Anyway, I think Gideon's asleep at his desk. You might wanna go wake him up."
Paz groaned. "That boy sleeps like a rock."
Melody grinned and pulled an air horn out of nowhere. "You know what to do."
With a gasp, Pacifica dropped Waddles, grabbed it and ran into the house.
Robbie Valentino walked up after her, adjusting her glasses. "Hey, Mel. Where'd Paz run off to?"
"Hey Robbie. Give it a few seconds…"
There was a loud HONK, followed by distant shrieking and laughter. The front door slammed open, and Pacifica ran out, cackling and waving the air horn around. Gideon followed, with only a shirt and a pair of boxers on, chasing her and yelling.
They ran in circles for a few seconds, then Pacifica noticed Robbie and stopped running, staring at him. Gideon ran into her back and fell down. Waddles immediately jumped to action and sat on top of him, licking him like Pacifica had taught him to.
"Hey, Robbie," Paz said shyly. She was still trying to get over her crush on him. But at least Waddles was there to bail her out of awkwardness.
"Good pig!" she told him as she picked him off of Gideon and hugged him.
"'Good pig,' my butt," Gideon groaned as Melody helped him off the ground. "We're not taking that thing with us, right?"
"No, we don't want another dinosaur incident," Melody replied. "Dino-Girls was fun, but I am not trying to do it again."
Pacifica decided not to tell her that she had accidentally set the custom T-shirt that Melody made for them on fire a few weeks ago.
"Those things are still alive?" Robbie asked in mild horror. "I thought that you said you killed them all?"
"Nah, Bud just punched one in the face," Pacifica said, smiling at the memory.
"It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Gideon added.
"Didn't Crazy Lazy Susan get eaten?" Melody said.
"She escaped!" Paz frowned. "I think."
"Moving on!" Gideon opened the journal. "It says that the Corgon can be found in Bonecrusher Woods."
"Who names these things?" Pacifica asked. "Bonecrusher Woods, the Lake of Doom, the Mountains of Agonizing Pain."
"To be fair," Gideon pointed out, "most of the names are pretty accurate. I'd rather not go into the Bonecrusher Woods, but if it was called the Forest Of Sparkles and Rainbows, then I'd go in there and get eaten by gnomes because it sounds super harmless and gnomes are not super harmless."
"Gnomes don't eat people."
"They bathe in squirrels, I don't want to know what else they do. So - Bonecrusher Woods, it can be baited out by the scent of cottage cheese, and they're super dangerous. Let's go!"
The other three cheered.
Paz ran to the golf cart and tried to start it up. With a sputter, it started up, then backfired. Smoke poured out from the hood.
"Let's go for a walk!" Pacifica shouted.
The other three cheered again.
In the garage, Bud slid out from underneath a car and sniffed the air. "My insurance senses are tingling. Is something on fire?" he asked himself.
"Oh my gosh, whose houses are these?" Pacifica gasped as she looked around.
"Welcome to the rich part of Gravity Falls," Gideon told her. "Home to the snottiest of snotty people."
"If they're so snotty, get them a tissue," Robbie joked awkwardly.
While Melody and Gideon booed him, Paz looked around in wonder. She hadn't seen any houses like this since she came here. They were enormous, at least three stories each. They were also very-
"Why are they all blue?" she asked.
Melody looked around. "You know, I've never figured that out," she replied. "Just about everything in this town seems to be blue and gray."
Pacifica had noticed that, and was dismayed when she first arrived. She naturally got out her pink sweaters and tried to change that. She found another blue-and-gray canvas to spread her colors on.
Colors later. Doggy monster now.
A cartoon played on the TV inside the biggest house - Duck-Tective. Paz watched that show regularly. It was just like her life! ...in a way.
The house was three stories and baby-blue. It was big and blue. Therefore, Pacifica decided to call it…
Big Blue.
Wow, she was amazing at nicknames.
"Who lives in that one?" she asked Gideon, who looked up from his journal.
"You remember that magician group me and Bud took you to the first week you got here?" he replied. Paz nodded. "That's their house."
"Huh. I didn't figure them to be this rich."
"They're the most powerful people in the Falls, of course they're rich."
Pacifica stopped walking. "How are a bunch of stage conmen the most powerful people in Gravity Falls?"
"Well," Gideon began, "they're one of the most popular shows in the world. People come from China and those places to watch them. They single-handedly fund all of Gravity Falls. Second, they know everyone and everything. And everyone owes them something."
"Everyone? Even Uncle Bud?"
"Especially Uncle Bud. I have no idea what he needed, but he owes the Gleefuls something big."
"I'm sure that won't be a major plot point later on," Robbie called over.
"What?"
"Nothing." Robbie gestured toward the woods. "Are we gonna kill this thing or what?"
Gideon said, "We're not killing it. We're just studying it for a bit."
Paz snorted. "Right. Studying it until it finds us and we have run away."
"Look on the bright side," Melody offered. "At least it probably doesn't want to marry Gideon like the gnomes."
"Ugh," Gideon groaned while Pacifica giggled. "Don't remind me."
"You still owe Jeffina a phone call," Paz reminded him.
"Yeah, and she owes me a new pair of pants after Shmebulock peed all over it," Gideon grumbled.
"Hey!" Robbie called. "Woods. Corgi. Science."
"Okay, we're coming." Pacifica noticed the fence between houses - the only thing between them and the woods. "I nominate Gideon to go first. Everyone in agreement, say aye."
Melody and Robbie said, "Aye."
"You guys suck," Gideon groused, and slowly began the climb. He hoisted himself over the top, jumped off, and began yelling when his vest caught on one of the top rungs. Robbie chuckled. Paz rolled on the ground, cackling. "Will someone get me off of this?!" Gideon yelled.
"Oh my gosh, Gideon!" Melody cried out in concern. "Are you okay?!" She climbed up next to him and managed to unhook. Gideon went crashing to the ground and grunted in pain. The journal went flying out, and Gideon quickly put it back in his vest.
How does he put that in there? Paz thought for a few seconds. Are the inside pockets that big?
"Thanks, Melody," Gideon said, wincing as he stood back up. Melody stood by him on the other side of the fence.
"There must be an easier way to do this," Robbie told them nervously. "Seriously, there must be a gate or something-"
"JUST DO IT!" Melody and Gideon yelled.
"Okay, fine!" Robbie began to climb. "Am I at the top yet?" he called out in fear.
"You haven't even left the ground." Gideon grinned.
"It's like seven feet, it's easy!" Pacifica told him. She looked around her and noticed another pair of eyes watching her. From the window with Duck-Tective playing, somebody watched the group with interest.
Might as well give the dude a show. She slowly started to back up.
Melody noticed. "Pacifica, what did I tell you about jumping over things taller than you?"
Pacifica's grin widened. "That I look amazing while doing it?" With that, she bolted forward and leapt up, turning upside down in a flip. She grabbed the top of the bar and pulled herself into a handstand. She stayed there for a few seconds, looking at Melody with a cocky gleam in her eye, and then jumped off with a flourish. She landed on her feet next to Gideon.
"Show off," he grumbled. She stuck her tongue out at him playfully.
"OHMYGODTHEFENCEISSHAKINGISITABIRDGETITOFF!" Robbie screamed.
Paz had totally forgotten about him. "He's still on that? We will leave your nerdy butt here!"
"You better not!" Robbie finally pulled himself over the top and landed on his back. Gideon helped him up.
"I don't get it. We ask if you want to hunt monsters in the woods, you say sure. We ask you to climb a fence, you wimp out." Gideon shrugged.
Robbie snapped, "No, you asked if I wanted to watch you guys hunt monsters. I don't feel much like hunting monsters after the shapeshifter made me watch as Paz killed me."
An icy shiver ran down Pacifica's spine. She ignored it and simply said, "Don't mention the shapeshifter."
Robbie went paler than usual. "Uh. Right. My bad."
Melody tried to change the subject. "Right, then! Let's go take care of some monsters!"
Paz and Gideon whooped and took off towards the woods.
An hour and a half later, the novelty of the woods wore off, and Paz was tired.
As they walked along the trail, she absentmindedly swatted another mosquito. If they kept this up, she was gonna look like an empty Kool-Aid pouch. At least they weren't biting her skin in a pattern, like they did with Gideon and his… unique patchwork.
"Hey Gideon!" Robbie yelled from behind them. "Have the mosquitos bitten another dick into your arm?"
"No," Gideon sighed. "Not yet."
Yet again, the strange maraca noise echoed behind her. Paz whipped her head around, but saw nothing and got her long blonde hair stick in a branch.
"Oh, come on," she whined as she untangled it. Paz put it into a ponytail. "Gideon, how far away is this thing?"
"It's about another half-mile or so!" Gideon answered, and then they came to a clearing.
"You sure about that half-mile?" Pacifica deadpanned as they looked around.
It was very bright. The sun came down on them and reflected off of the unnaturally shiny grass. There was a rainbow that came from nowhere, and when Paz strained her ears, she heard a heavenly choir.
She was immediately suspicious.
"Eyes up," Gideon warned. "The Corgon may be adorable, but it's very dangerous." They hid behind a fallen tree, and Pacifica tried not to think about what knocked it over.
"It's a corgi that fights with farts," Melody said lightly, with a cautious grin on her face. She sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than anything. "How dangerous can it be?"
A rock on the other side of the clearing suddenly let out an earsplittingly adorable sneeze.
"Oh my god," Melody said in awe.
"That's bigger than I expected," Gideon said mildly.
"So. Fluffy." Paz was about to go into shock at the cuteness of this thing.
It meandered in their direction, every step causing a small tremor. It was the size of an elephant. Its enormous tongue lolled out of its mouth and it seemed to be smiling as most dogs do.
Pacifica, Melody and Gideon gasped softly in amazement. Only Robbie seemed unaffected by the pure cuteness of this abomination. "Guys," he whispered sharply. "We see it. Can we go now?"
It sneezed again and sat down on its gigantic hindquarters. It started scratching at its nose, then yawned.
"Oh my GOD!" Paz squealed, and it heard her. "Oops."
With a bark, it sprinted to where they were hiding. Screaming, they scattered - Robbie and Paz ran to the right, and Gideon and Melody bailed to the left.
With a crunch, the Corgon stepped on the tree and crushed it into splinters. It howled, and Paz got a nice look at its enormous teeth.
"This is your fault!" Robbie yelped in fear as they sprinted towards the middle of the clearing.
"I know, Robbie!" she snapped. She jumped towards a low-hanging branch and swung herself up to the top. Robbie kept running, and Paz looked over her shoulder to see the Corgon wreaking havoc. It howled again, and flames flew from its mouth. It set the grass behind Melody on fire. She yelped and rolled away.
Paz spotted Gideon slowly creeping towards the Corgon. He held a bunch of shiny stones in his hand. With a yell, he charged towards the Corgon. Instead of turning him into a plate of extra-crispy chicken nuggets (with added hair-gel flavoring), the abomination simply turned around and passed gas.
A mushroom cloud of sparkles burst out of its rear end and covered Gideon. He fell to the ground without a noise.
"G!" Paz screamed. It got the Corgon's attention, and it bared its teeth and sprinted over to her. She climbed the tree higher, just as the monster grabbed the branch she had been standing on and ripped it off violently. Pacifica saw Melody and Robbie grab Gideon and drag him into the dark forest.
With a snarl, the Corgon inhaled. Before it could fry her, Pacifica did the dumbest thing she had done in her already-dumb life.
She yelled like a berserker and leaped off the tree onto the Corgon's back.
As the Corgon thrashed and she held on for dear life, screaming, the only thing that went through her mind was Well, at least I'll die doing what I love - holding on to something fluffy.
"Hey, you big furry asshole!" a voice below Paz yelled. Paz looked, and lo and behold, Robbie stood, knees shaking, with one of Gideon's stones in his hand. "Suck on this!" Robbie threw it, and it popped the Corgon on the nose. It stopped thrashing. Its eyes rolled back into its head, and he fell over.
Paz landed on the ground and bounced. She groaned in pain. Then she sat up. "Gideon!" Pacifica sprinted over to Gideon and knelt next to him. He was almost comatose. His arm was pale and unhealthy, and Paz saw a lot of blood from a cut. She took off her sweater and wrapped it around his arm.
"Is he gonna be okay?" she asked Melody, who shrugged helplessly.
"I don't know," she answered. "But someone needs to go get help, and fast."
"I'll go," Paz volunteered. "I got us into this mess."
"Uh," Robbie interrupted, "actually, Gideon did-"
"Robbie, this is not the time!"
"You still haven't thanked me," Robbie said smugly.
God, why did I have a crush on this idiot? "Thanks for the save. Now, I am going to go save my cousin."
"We came in from that way," Melody told her, and pointed toward the splintered log. "Go grab some help there."
"Okay, good luck! Get him back ASAP!"
Paz bolted toward the log and disappeared into the woods.
Melody turned toward Robbie and gave him the stink-eye. "Why are you such an asshole?"
"What?" Robbie said defensively. "I just wanted a thank-you."
"Her cousin is in a coma, about to die! She just tried starting a rodeo with a monster! This is not the time."
"Okay," Robbie whined, "Sorry."
The Corgon snorted in its sleep, and the two of them decided to grab Gideon and bail.
Paz sprinted through the woods, about a mile and half from the neighborhood. The return trip was much faster without the other three. The maracas rang again, and Paz almost saw a black shape behind her, but she had bigger issues.
As she sprinted, her mind flashed back to all the things that Bud had said to her over the past few weeks.
You are never truly in control in Gravity Falls.
There's always someone bigger.
You might think you're dangerous, but to the beasts, you're a snack.
Uncle Bud was always a source of hope.
With that, Paz ran facefirst into a spiderweb.
"AW, COME ON!"
She finally got to the neighborhood, sweaty and dishevelled. She ran up to the fence and realized her legs were too dead to jump it, so Paz began the climb. She landed on her leg wrong, and bit her lip to stop from crying out in pain.
Pacifica looked around desperately. The only house with the lights on the inside still on was Big Blue. Her mind raced. Hadn't Gideon said that the two magic kids lived here? What good could they do? They were the only option.
She limped up to their door and rang the bell. There was muffled yelling inside, including something like, "I'll get it!" and "Jehovah's Witnesses!" Paz desperately rang the doorbell, and then the door swung open.
The boy at the door towered over her, but didn't seem threatening. His hair was swept back to reveal a few oddly-patterned zits. It looked like they were in the shape of some constellation that Paz couldn't remember. His bright pink sweatshirt threw her off her game.
The boy looked at her coolly and raised a single eyebrow over an ice-blue eye. Before he say anything, Pacifica felt the pain in her leg catch up to her and she said only one thing.
"We need your help," she panted. "My cousin… I think he's dying."
Writing is weird, man. I cranked out about 3k words in about two hours, but the rest of it took me like a week.
Anyway, thanks for reading this. In case it isn't obvious, I am very new to fanfic writing, so feel free to critique me (but do it nicely, please. I am missing the ability to take criticism).
Couple of things to know
-My entire knowledge of boxing comes from watching Rocky movies, so it'll probably be inaccurate at some times.
-I know literally nothing of Krav Maga.
-There will be a little Reverse!Mabel, but since I'm not fantastic at writing batshit crazy characters like her, I won't be writing as much.
-I have no idea how long this fanfic will be, but I'll update it until I get bored of it.
-Robbie is still a total douchebag and Pacifica is just now realizing it.
-Soos and Old Man McGucket will figure into the story somehow, but I have no idea how.
-I like the idea of one-word character arcs. For Dipper's arc I'm thinking "Apex" and for Paz's I'm thinking "Dangerous". Corny and kind of vague, I know, but they'll make sense eventually.
Okay, that's probably it. See you next time I write.
