Spencer groaned as she spilt her cup of coffee over the morning paper. "Great, this is just the start I need to today" She thought bitterly as she began to clean up the mess she made, with a little more anger than was strictly necessary. But the coffee wasn't what had put Spencer in her current mood, the date alone had done that for her. This was the anniversary of the day she regretted more than anything in her life. The day she had decided to deny Toby his rightful part in his child's life. In her mind she had done the right thing, she had given Toby a chance to live the life he deserved but even so she still feel guilty for doing so. She hadn't had the guts to stand in front of him and tell him that it was over, so she took the coward's way out, she had just avoided him until he seemed to get the message.
The year that passed after that was the worst year Spencer had to live throughThe taunts and the snide comments she could take, what she couldn't take was the fact that she couldn't decide what she wanted to do after she gave birth. It seemed with each day that passed, she changed her mind. Some days she wanted nothing more than to keep her baby, until the next day when she cruelly reminded herself that she would never be a good enough mother. She had failed at being a good daughter, and surely that was easier than being a mother? Her relationship with Emily also become somewhat frayed, with Emily respecting Spencer's decision, but not agreeing with her. In Emily's mind Spencer had denied Toby the one thing she knew he wanted. Despite what Spencer had said - Emily knew that Toby would want to know about the baby, but nonetheless she had to respect Spencer's wishes and keep it a secret from him.
On the day when Spencer had to make her final decision, she knew what she had to do. Looking down at the new born perfect little girl in her arms, Spencer knew there was no way she could give her up. When Spencer brought the baby home her parents stood by her, offering her help but knowing when to step back and let Spencer take the lead. There were days when Spencer did feel herself almost fall apart under the pressure, but when she looked at her daughter all her doubts melted away.
Phoebe Jane Hastings had become Spencer's entire life. The name, while it might not be obvious, was the link to Toby that Spencer had given her daughter – their daughter. Phoebe came from the character in "catcher in the rye" and when picking out her daughter's name, it came to Spencer in an instant. As time passed, Phoebe began to look exactly like a miniature Spencer with one big difference - her eyes. She had inherited her father's piercing blue one's and if there was ever a question of her paternity in the town, those eyes certainly answered it.
Hearing the doorbell ring through the house, Spencer sighed as she tried to shove away old memories, knowing that they would come back with a vengeance later in the day. With Aria and Emily away at colleges in different states, Hanna and Spencer had decided to get a small flat together. Between them they managed to scrape enough together for a modest three bedroom rented flat on the quieter end of town. Spencer finally made it to the front door and pulled it open, shocked at whom was standing before her.
"Emily?" She asked. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at Danby?"
"We need to talk." Emily said as she brushed by Spencer. "Is Phoebe here?"
"She's sleeping." Spencer answered confused. "Em, why are you here? Not that I'm not happy to see you but don't you have class?"
"Toby's father died." Emily replied bluntly.
"I... I know." Spencer stuttered. "I heard someone mention it yesterday when I took Phoebe for a walk. But why are you telling me?"
"Spencer, he may not have gotten on with his father, but do you really think he wouldn't want to say goodbye."
"I didn't really think about it." Spencer muttered leaning against the door. Then paused understanding what Emily was telling her. Fear crept through her veins and she clarified her thoughts "Wait, you mean Toby's coming back here, back to Rosewood?"
"He called me yesterday." Emily sighed. "I had no classes today, and it's only a two-hour train ride here, so I thought that I would tell you in person. Spencer, it's been three years, don't you think you owe it to him to tell him about..."
"No." Spencer cut Emily off as she began to walk towards the kitchen suddenly craving coffee. "Things are best the way they are, I'll take Phoebe and go visit Melissa and Taylor until he leaves again. Did he say how long he was staying?"
"Spencer you can't run away."
"I'm going to visit my sister – That's not the same as running away."
"Come on Spencer, aren't you a little more mature than that." Emily snapped, before calming herself and running her hands through her hair. "He still asks about you. Doesn't that tell you something?"
When Spencer refused to answer Emily, merely walking into the kitchen and switching on the kettle as she finished clearing up the mess she had made earlier. Emily waited to try and gauge if Spencer was going to say anything else, before remembering she was dealing with Spencer Hastings, the most stubborn girl she had ever met.
"He still cares about you." Emily seen Spencer's hand pause as she lifted down a spare cup for Emily. Shaking her head, Emily decided to change approach and use a different tactic. "Spence, he's coming here, to Rosewood. The same place where everyone has seen Phoebe and you know people here love to talk. He'll find out about her, and with a bit of simple math he could work everything out."
"Don't do that." Spencer all but barked. "Do you really think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?"
"Spence... All I'm saying is that Toby will find out about Phoebe one way or another. Don't you want to be the one to tell him?"
"No." Spencer fixed her gaze on the corner of her ruined newspaper. "What am I meant to say? Hi Toby, meet your two year old? It's been three years Em... even if I wanted to tell him I couldn't."
"Spence..."
"I can't stand it if he looked at me that way. Phoebe is the most important thing in my life and... and... I kept that from. I mean I was doing what was best for him; I honestly believe that but... Em I messed up, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. It's best for everyone if things stay the way they are."
"Everyone? Spence no-one benefits your way. You keep your daughter away from her father, you keep Toby away from his daughter and you will spend the rest of your life knowing that and feeling guilty over it. Would you just do the right thing?"
"Who are you to tell me what the right thing is?" Spencer demanded. "You didn't have to live through it."
"I had to lie to him for you."
"It wasn't a lie, it's not like you ever said we didn't have a baby."
"A lie of omission is still a lie."
"You're going to lecture me on lying? Really? I don't think either of us should get to that. To anyone – ever."
"I take your point, but you know what I said is true. He still loves you Spencer, if nothing else you owe him the truth!"
"Why? If I don't tell him he still gets to have the sort of life people our age should have. If I tell him about Phoebe, he'll want to be there, and that would mess up everything he's done in the past couple of years. I won't be the reason that he loses what he worked so hard for, I will not be the one responsible for ruining his life."
"You're already doing that." Emily shrugged. "How would you feel is someone took Phoebe away from you? He'll find out some way or another Spence... The least you can do is be the one to tell him."
Emily smiled softly at Spencer, once she seen the look on Spencer's face. Spencer didn't show her vulnerable side often and on the rare occasion it slipped through, Emily knew that was when Spencer was really worried about something. Sighing as she slowly put her arms around Spencer, Emily spoke softly. "I'll be there. Hanna will be there as well if you need her. Spencer, what are you really worried about?"
"Everything." Spencer whispered. "If I don't tell him... He might find out some other way and that would make things worse than they are. And if I do tell him... What is he wants to take Phoebe? I don't know what I'd do without her Em!"
"Spence you know that's not going to happen." Emily reprimanded pulling away. "He'll understand, I mean he might not like it, but in time he'll understand."
"I wouldn't expect him to understand." Spencer whispered. "If someone kept her for me, I'd start a full blown war on them. I always hated those women who kept their child a secret, and then I became one. There's some irony for you."
Spencer gave up on the idea of coffee, choosing instead to sit down on her usual stool at the small kitchen table, placing her head in her hands. "I know you're right." Spencer sighed. "If he's coming here... I should be the one to tell him. Maybe this time I'll be a grown up and even do it face to face."
"Do you want me to go with you, when you meet him? I can stay an extra day if you need me."
"No." Spencer shook her head. "This has to come from me. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will. I just need to ask my parents to watch Phoebe, I can't have her there when I speak to him. I really wish I didn't have to speak to him, I don't think I can do it."
"Do you need me to help with anything?" Emily asked.
"When is he getting here?" Spencer asked in a whisper.
"Tonight at some point."
"Can you call him and ask him to meet me in the Apple Rose Grill tomorrow at breakfast. Around nine if that's possible. But don't mention me, say you want to meet him, I just think it would be best not to give him time to get angry. There will be plenty of that after I tell him the news."
"Spencer, I don't think that..."
"I'll make sure he knows I made you lie, besides I think you're little lie will be overlooked in the midst of my bombshell."
Emily nodded her head meekly, praying that Toby would forgive her for lying to him.
Spencer sat in the Apple Rose Grill the next morning feeling the nausea hit her yet again as she thought about what was ahead of her. Her parents were looking after Phoebe, and hadn't asked her too many questions about why they had to watch her on such short notice. Spencer sighed, as the same horrible thoughts she had been plagued with all night, crept into her mind. About Toby wanting to take Phoebe away, about Toby calling her out on how selfish she had been... She grabbed her bag suddenly feeling like this was a bad idea, but as soon as she had stood up she crashed into a solid chest which almost sent her toppling to the floor.
"I'm so sorry." Spencer said as she found her footing again, before looking up at the person, being met by the same eye's she met on a daily basis, and yet still missed. "H- Hi"
"Spencer." Toby nodded curtly, years of pain flowing out in that one simple word. In Toby's mind, Spencer had just been another in a long line of people to turn her back on him. But it had hurt him more than the others, when she had done it. He had loved her, if he was honest he would admit he did still love her, and she had wounded him more than he cared to acknowledge when she had began to ignore him.
Spencer squeezed her eyes shut at his tone, but she knew she deserved it. She diverted her eyes back to the ground, and found herself wishing it would just open up and swallow her whole. "Toby..."
"I'm here to meet Emily." He cut her of sharply.
"She... She's not coming." Spencer stuttered. "I made her say that so that you would come."
"Why would you do that?"
"I needed to talk to you."
"You were the one who didn't want to talk. Remember?"
"I know. But if you give me half an hour, I promise I'll tell you why. It's something I need to tell you, because if I don't someone else will and you don't deserve to find out that way and..."
Toby blinked confused as Spencer rambled on. Two things registered in his mind at that moment. One – that Spencer must be worried about something because he had never heard her ramble like this. Two – that there was something important he seemed to be missing.
"Spencer, what do you need to tell me?" Toby asked, trying to hide the panic in his voice. He didn't know what was going on, but he did know that whatever is was big.
"I think we should sit down – This isn't exactly standing up news."
Toby nodded, as he sat down across from Spencer as he watched her wring her hands together. After a while of watching Spencer grow more agitated by the second, Toby felt his patience begin to wear thin.
"Spencer, what did you need to tell me?"
Toby's aggressive tone caught her odd guard and Spencer jumped a little, before looking down at the table in front of her. "I guess the story starts on that day you told me about the job..."
A/N: Thank you all for the lovely comments, they were nice to read :) And I know this isn't the best follow on, but I needed to re-introduce Toby somehow, so I hope you liked it, and feedback is always appreciated.
