A/N: Here's Chapter 2, I tried to explain more about Ritsu. So I hope it helps. XD
Disclaimer: sob I don't own CCS, or Syaoran. Dammit.
Realisations
Chapter 2: Bitter Sweet Memories.
It's raining again.
The dark masses of swirling clouds covered the skies, leaving an almost ominous look to it. The wind was howling, blowing against the window pane with an angry roar. Rain scattered furiously onto the houses and roads of Tomeda. I just sat and listened, the irregular beats of rain hitting against my window were like music to my ears, a faint beat that only I could understand.
I lay there, on my soft, warm bed, staring into the ceiling. I seem to be doing that a lot these days. I just lay there, listening to the rain and its irregular rhythm. It's usually at times like these when I start to think, think about my life, my feelings, and all my bitter sweet memories.
I remember my mum, Nadeshiko Kinomoto. She was beautiful, stunning, and a great wife and mother. I remember how we used to make little rain men in tissue paper and draw cute faces on them and hanging them on the window sills, on rainy days. I miss her…
Those were the good old days; when she was still…okay….before she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was only three years old then, but I was old enough to understand what was happening. Although I refused to believe it, because my mum had always seemed like such a strong figure, until the cancer had moved up to her brain, where they could no longer treat it as it was in a delicate and dangerous area. Watching her in her last moments were so painful, her beautiful long, dark locks were gone. Her face was deathly pale. Her face was sullen, and her cheeks had sunken into her face. But even with all these physical changes, she was still the same beautiful mum I knew; she still had the same sparkle in her eyes, and her sweet warm smile. She fought for as long as she could.
I didn't want her to go. Neither did dad or my older brother Touya, but we knew, there was nothing we could do. My heart tore apart inside when I saw her go, but deep inside, I was relieved. Relieved to know she wasn't in pain anymore. That was the only thing that stopped me from crying for my mum at night, to know that she was in a better place and would always be watching me from the heavens.
The rain, it brings back so many other memories as well, especially of Ritsu. I remember back when I was "crazily in love" with him. Every time it rained, I would sit on my window sill staring out at the grey clouds singing some random love song that was in my head. I really was crazy.
At first, making him talk to me in a more relaxed way was hard since he was a pretty uptight person, plus in real life he liked to talk in dot language rather than human.
So, I tried a different approach.
"So, how'd you do in the science test?"
"….."
"….it was okay." He said quietly.
"So… is it true… your gay?" I asked him innocently out of the blue.
"WHAT?!" Ritsu stared at me with this hilarious look on his face as his usual calm and poker faced exterior was gone.
I laughed. "Hahahaha, I knew it" I said jokingly.
"WHAT?! NO WAY… who told you this eh?" he said urgently.
I laughed for a while more before finally replying, "I'm joking, silly. Haha, who knew you, would take it so seriously."
He grumbled. "Finally, I get to see your true face, Nakumi-san." I said brightly. "I'm joking about the gay thing, by the way." I said, while suppressing a new round of giggles.
At first he looked like he was going to get mad again, but then, his expression softened and he just started to laugh along with me.
"Of course your joking, I mean, me? Gay? No way…" he said reassuringly.
"Yeah, yeah, I guess… but sometimes I wonder…" I said, smiling evilly.
"Yeah, well stop wondering now, cause it ain't true, and its never going to happen."
And with a simple and innocently innocent enough question, I had seen a side to Ritsu, that was part of the real him. I was excited to see more.
Finally after hours of trying to talk to him, Ritsu finally seemed to start to open up and started to joke around a lot. I saw his, sociable side. The only problem was, the only times I did see his sociable sides were on the internet.
In real life he was still like a statue to talk to, which made it even harder for me to try talk to him. I would walk up to him, with this whole conversation planned out in my head. Then when I get to him, I would feel so intimidated, I would blank out, which usually leads to me making random jokes, and blindly punching people until I am within a 50m radius away from him. That phase lasted a while.
I still remember, before the confession, what actually made me fall in love with him. I guess it was that he was everything, I never expected to be. Like that one time, it was raining outside and I had forgotten my umbrella….
Flash Back
I was standing safely under the shelter of the school steps, waiting for Tomoyo to come and save me from the rain, but she never showed up. It was getting late and it was starting to get cold. I just stood there, watching as people quickly opened up their multi coloured umbrellas and rushed to the comfort of their homes.
I saw Chiharu and Yamazaki walk off together under a mauve coloured umbrella, I noticed she was snuggling quite close to him as they walked off, laughing together as Yamazaki told a random joke or something. I sighed dreamily, gushing at how cute they were. They reminded me of a few Korean drama's I had seen during the break, and in every one, they always had the "umbrella scene" Where it's raining, and the girls all alone, until her guy comes to her rescue with an umbrella over the top of him. With that, he offers to walk her home and share a romantic moment together and realise just how much they loved each other. Okay… so I'm a bit of a romantic….who isn't?
I looked around, and noticed that there were actually quite a lot of couples taking this moment to walk off romantically with their loved ones, I felt a tinge of jealousy as I started to imagine myself with my special someone under a pink, cherry blossom umbrella. Lost in my day dream I didn't notice a certain grey eyed boy come up in front of me.
"Kinomoto-san?" I immediately snapped out of my day dream to find myself staring into the eyes of none other than Ritsu.
"ARGH! Oh, Nakumi-san, it's only you. You scared me…" I said nervously.
"Haha, sorry about that… So what's up? Did you forget your umbrella or something?" He asked with a concerned look in his eye.
I looked up at him. "In fact I did, I forgot my umbrella…." I said sweat dropping. "I was hoping to find Tomoyo, and share an umbrella with her, but it seems she's disappeared…." I said, half talking to myself while frantically looking in the crowd of umbrellas for a long haired, amethyst eyed girl.
"Hmmm, Daidouji-san? I think I just saw her get into a limo a few minutes ago…" Ritsu said scratching his head.
"What?! She left? WITHOUT ME?! Damn… now how will I get home…" I said frantically while trying to think of a solution to my problem.
"Well… hmmm, how about you take my umbrella Kinomoto-san?" He said suggestively.
I immediately rejected his offer. "No ,no ,no… That wouldn't do… I mean if I take your umbrella... how will you get home?" I asked quizzically.
He started scratching his head. "Well, it doesn't matter, since I have a car waiting for me right outside school…."
"But you'll be walking in the rain for a few minutes before you reach your car…" I said worriedly.
"Well… You could always share an umbrella with me until I get to the car, Kinomoto-san." He said sheepishly. "If you want." He added quickly.
I looked up at him; I could feel a light flush spread over my pale cheeks.
"Of course!" I said quickly, then realised just how overly eager I sounded, I blushed before saying "…Well, it's so you won't catch a cold… it's the least I can do, since your lending me your umbrella."
"I'd lend my umbrella to you anytime, that's what friends are for aren't they?" He said shrugging.
I felt a twinge in my heart hearing the word friends, but I shrugged it off. I was going to be walking under an umbrella… with RITSU!! Just like the Korean dramas! So what if the walks only going to be a few minutes long. It will be the longest, bestest minutes of my life. I thought to myself while grinning like an idiot.
"…uhh… Kinomoto-san? You in dream land again?" He asked once again, while waving his hand in front of my face, snapping me out of my day dream. Damn, I've got to stop doing that.
I blushed. "Hah yeah sorry…about that…" I said trailing off before starting. "Yeah that's what friends are for!" I said brightly, trying to overly emphasize the word "friends".
"So let's start walking" He said as I flung my backpack over my shoulder and huddled up close to Ritsu while we slowly walked through the current downpour.
Even though it was quite cold outside under the rainfall and the harsh wind, I could feel myself heating up as I blushed at the fact that I was very, very close to him right now. Every time our elbows accidentally touched, I felt a rush of small tingles shoot up my arm. My heart beat quickened, while my hands went all clammy and sweaty. We walked in silence, I wanted to say something, but being this close to him made my mind go numb and I couldn't think anymore. My brain just, shut down, which didn't help much since awkward silences weren't always the best of signs.
We walked quickly, splashing through puddles, deep and shallow. I was sad to see that we started to near a black car parked outside the school which I knew was the car that was here to pick him up. Even though that walk only lasted a few minutes, it was longest minutes of my life.
"Okay, this is my stop. See yah Kinomoto-san. Have a safe trip home, oh and you can return the umbrella back anytime you want." He said smiling warmly.
My heart did its usual flutter before I replied.
"Thank you soooo much Nakumi-san. I owe you one." I said as he got into his car and waved one last time before driving off into the fading distance.
I just stood there and took in the whole moment. My heart was still racing even after he was long gone. My heart was about to burst. This feeling, it was so strong, it was almost nauseating. I stood there for a moment, just staring at the rain, feeling it pour down onto my umbrella and the ground, watching as it made thousands of tiny ripples in the puddles formed on top of the concrete.
I stood there, recalling the warmth of his body heat, and the kindness of his smile as if trying to remember it forever in my mind. With that, I slowly started walking slowly towards the direction of my house, excited to add a new entry to my journal.
end of memories
I never did end up returning his umbrella, I think its still in my room…somewhere…. I thought when I suddenly remembered, my journal. It has been so long since I've last written in it. I gingerly picked up one of my large pillows, and sitting there, comfortably under my pillow for nearly a year now, an old burgundy coloured journal sat there. All my emotions, feelings poured into that tiny journal. It's been too long.
I'd nearly forgotten about it. I had to hide it under my pillow, so that my annoying brother Touya won't find it, he already mocks me enough about being a Kaijuu. I thought while glaring at an imaginary figure of Touya.
I flicked open the old book, and flipped through its page, skimming past the vast colours of pens and the odd drawings here and there. I stopped at the page where I rambled on about the rain scene.
One particular line caught my eye. "It's so strange; it feels like, the more I know him, the more I like him." I looked at that sentence; it was so ironic that I used to think like that. I can still remember how I felt about him so clearly, yet none of those feelings still exist now.
I don't know what to do now. I used to love him, I used to care. Now, I just want to run away. I don't know when it started, I don't know how, it just happened.
Ritsu now, is not the Ritsu I fell in love with. He's changed. So much, but I guess that's probably my fault. Before, his words were simple and playful. Now, they were deep and emotional.
That's supposed to be good right?
No.
His words, his love, it makes me feel like I'm suffocating….suffocating from his love. His sweet nothings seemed to wound around me tight and felt like they would never let go. I feel like I can't breathe when I'm around him. I feel like, every moment I spend with him, it's just me forcing myself to get through that moment with a fake smile on my face. I guess, in short, I think, I'm scared of him. His love, changed him to someone I don't know anymore.
The loud vibrating noise of my cell phone suddenly snapped me out of my deep thoughts. I glanced at my phone. 1 new text message. I could guess who it was already, Ritsu.
"Hey my sweet cherry blossom, I miss you so much. But this rain is stopping me from seeing you. I really do miss you. Did you know I had a dream about you last night? I was holding you in my arms as we sat and watched the sunrise together. It was beautiful, just like you. I really don't know what I'd do without you. Txt your lover back okay? Love, Ritsu."
I stared at the txt, a feeling overwhelmed me, a discomfort in my heart. I could feel goosebumps on the back of my neck. Holding me?! Sunrise?! Ugh… Barf…. That's disturbing. I couldn't help it, instead of feeling the beating of my heart, I was creeped out. Extremely creeped out.
How the hell do I reply him? I thought frantically to myself. 'Nice dream, too bad it kinda creeps me out…?' No, too mean, he'd freak. 'I dreamt about you too?' …No… that would give the wrong idea…. shudders
I honestly don't get it, when did he suddenly change into this sickeningly sweet guy, who seemed to drown me in his sweetness. When did it become this? When did I start to drown, drown in the sea of love he had created. I need to, no, have to swim out, quick, before I really do drown.
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A/N: Well this chapter wasn't as long as the first one. (sorry!) I got lazy, that's why. Well in this chapter, you start to see the difference between the Ritsu Sakura had fallen in love with and the Ritsu that is now her boyfriend. If you think it's a bit over-dramatic, well let me tell you… this is based on a NEARLY true story! XD lolz…
Oh yeah, sorry if sakura-chan seems a bit.. OOCish and emo-ish…
AAAND… still no syaoran in THIS chapter… T.T…. Sorry peoples, but we gotta at least get this relationship over and done with first.
Anyways, hope you enjoyed it.
REVIEWS PLEASE! Love it? Hate it? TELL ME.. Constructive critism wanted…
Press the nice shiny purplish looking button please. .
