Title: The Ugly Grinch and His Reindeer-Cat-Thingy
Author: Ephemeral Rainfall (I've changed names 3 times since last update, wow)
Summary: Ulquiorra the grinch does not like happy things. So he and his trusty cat-reindeer Grimmjow try to steal Christmas from Karakura Town. With Ichigo too busy laughing at Grimmjow's costume to help, is there any hope to stop them?
A/N: Thanks for everyone that reviewed! Love you all! Forgot to add a disclaimer, put it in chapter 1. As Ulquiorra would put it, 'Here is the second installment of the trashiest piece of human filth ever devised.' R&R.
Chapter 2
Last time:
But they were alive.
Relatively.
And that's all that mattered.
More or less.
…
But strife was just getting started, rubbing its hands and snickering mischievously. Someone had heard the ruckus, (they broke a few fences and toppled five trees), and was jogging over. The bright mop of vermilion gave him away from 10 kilometers.
None other than Kurosaki Ichigo. And yes, he did have that ridiculous overgrown butter knife strapped to his back.
Once he got in range, he stopped. "Ulquiorra?" Ichigo squinted disbelievingly. "Is that you? What're you doing out so late? That mutant grinch is supposed to be out around now; it's not safe…and why're you dressed in red?" He had never seen him in anything but white before. And the occasional black.
Ulquiorra tried to come up with an excuse. See, Ichigo didn't know about him being a grinch because, well, he didn't look anything like one. And he wanted to keep it that way.
"I am not Ulquiorra," he said, doing his best to deepen his voice. He knew he should've kept the beard, no matter how itchy that damn snuffle-ump pelt was.
Ichigo blinked, his face looking like this: -.-U. "Riiigghhht…who are you again?"
"I am Santa Claus."
"Sure you are. Now—," Ichigo stopped short. He was about to usher the insane imposter back home when his eyes landed on the brown-and-blue shape standing next to the sled desperately trying to teleport to Jupiter.
"G-Grimmjow?" Ichigo's voice cracked, sending the last syllable spiraling into mist. His cheeks bulged with barely restrained guffaws. Grimmjow was dressed in a blotchy brown thing, streaks of the earthy hue along his arms and face. There was a broken stick tied to his head. "What are you supposed to be? A unicorn?"
Aforementioned cat-chimera turned, a vein popping on his forehead. The strawberry better not make fun of him. "What did you just—," Klunk.
Ulquiorra hid his smoking fist as Grimmjow fell, clutching his head more from annoyance than agony. He turned to a thoroughly flabbergasted and choking Ichigo. "This is my reindeer, trash, not this 'Grimmjow' you speak of. Do not attempt to communicate with my reindeer, Gri—Grinder. I do not appreciate you distracting Grinder from his employment."
The guard took a step backward, perhaps more in fear for his own mental health than anything else. "Okay then. Have fun delivering presents. Good night." Ichigo spun to continue his round, when he thought better of it and walked the opposite way, approaching Grimmjow.
He stopped three feet away from the irked reindeer-cat-thing and grinned. Ulquiorra suspiciously watched the two, ready to jump in should one try to eviscerate the other.
Ichigo pulled a carrot from his pack, smile widening. "Would the weindeer Gwimm—Gwinder wike a cawwit?" He chucked the vegetable at Grimmjow's face and hightailed it out of there, in hysterics all the way. The carrot slowly slid off, leaving a red mark right between his eyes.
Grimmjow bared his canines in a rending growl and leapt after the orange-haired boy with a feral snarl, only to have his collar yanked backward.
"Eat your carrot, Grinder. No destroying Kurosaki."
"Aww. Can I just kill him?"
"No. No death."
"How about maim?"
"No."
"Slight dismemberment?"
"No."
"Grievously injure?"
"No."
"Seriously wound?"
"…No."
"Superficial bleeding?"
"You are not allowed to touch him."
Grimmjow thought. "Can I shoot him then?"
"…I'm this close to tossing you into that frozen lake."
"Eep!"
…
"So…what are we doing again?"
"We are going to destroy the electricity plant."
"…Do you even know where it is?"
"…No. But how difficult could it be to find?"
"Well, Karakura's a pretty rustic town…I don't think they even have one." The look on the grinch's face was enough to send him into convulsions.
"…Be quiet, Grimmjow."
…
Since Karakura had no huge power plant that controlled all the city's power that could be turned off by switching a single lever, they had to go around messing up circuit boxes by hand.
(Grimmjow had no clue where Ulquiorra got the idea that all power could be toggled off by a big red button with 'DO NOT TOUCH' written across it, but he censured the stack of Marvel comics someone had hidden in the couch cushions. He vowed that he would have some fun exploiting the shorter one's super villain fetish to avenge his humiliation once they got home.)
The first house they stopped at was the Ishida household.
Exchanging a glance, Grimmjow shrugged and approached the front door. It was locked. He told Ulquiorra so.
"Of course it's locked, you buffoon. And no, you may not break the door down." They stood staring at the door for five minutes. "So…how are we gonna get in?" Grimmjow asked, picking at the tape on his ear.
Ulquiorra shot him a blankly poisonous glare. "I am trying to determine if there are any conscious life forms within the structure. Unlike Kurosaki, Ishida Uryuu has a brain."
"…So?"
"So, unlike you as well, he is not an idiot."
"Well, y'know what? You're a midget freak!"
"…"
"…Are you done yet?"
"No."
"…What about now?"
"No."
"…Now?"
"No."
"How about now?"
"No."
"nOw?"
"nO."
"Won?"
"On."
"…Can we go in now?"
"No."
"…Now?"
Sigh. "If you must."
Grimmjow rolled his eyes and grabbed the doorknob, twisting back and forth until the lock splintered. Throwing a triumphant look over his shoulder, the cat-chimera marched inside.
And was promptly blinded by the million-watt Quincy star in the front room.
…
Uryuu woke up with a jolt at the sound of his front door slamming open. Then a set of stomping footsteps entered his house. Then a yelp. Burglars.
Sliding his glasses on, the dark-haired male raised an eyebrow as the footsteps banged into something, not-so-muffled curses reaching his ears as clear as day. Really stupid burglars.
Sighing long-sufferingly, he slid out of sinfully comfortable covers, grabbing his archery bow off the desk along with a bathrobe and the first aid kit. He wasn't in the mood to be sued for having dangerous and obstructive furniture.
…
Grimmjow propped himself against the wall by the elbow, holding up his left shin as he irately glowered at the innocent ottoman lying on its side. "F*cking motherf*cking f*cker! Sh*t, that f*cking hurt like a f*cking b*tch!"
Ulquiorra imperceptibly shook his head in the background at Grimmjow's lack of eloquence. It was a wonder that the owner of the house hadn't appeared. Perhaps they had gotten lucky and he was on vacation? That was most probably the case, he surmised.
Shhhh—THUNK.
Or not.
The grinch dispassionately spared a glance at the arrow embedded not two centimeters from Grimmjow's head. The cat-chimera hadn't even noticed, carrying on to insult the lineage of the ottoman's mother. Ulquiorra took a moment to filter and process the profanity spewing from his companion's pothole, tilting his head to the side as he contemplated the impossibility of assuming such a position as Grimmjow suggested with a camel, no matter how well-endowed the beast was.
"Grimmjow."
"Goddamn Oedipus-complex-inflicted squirrel of a yogurt-eating obese hippopotamus hooker who likes it up the—!"
"Grimmjow."
"The hell do you want?"
"You may want to move to your left." Grimmjow complied, hopping a step over, confusion overtaking his face. Another two arrows thudded into the wall where he had been.
Teal eyebrows furrowed, immediately darting to his unseen assaulter. "Come out!" he bellowed, squinting into the darkness at the top of the stairs.
The first thing they both saw was a pair of glowing rectangles, followed by a seemingly floating mint-colored body.
Grimmjow frowned, just the least bit put off that a fairy of all things had just shot at him, (he knew he shouldn't have eaten that twinkle pixie-thing last Tuesday), when Ishida took another step into the luminescence of the star.
Oh. It was just a guy in super shiny glasses, black pajamas, and a really girly bathrobe. Holding a bow. The spider-webbed cogs in Grimmjow's brain shifted slightly, putting two and two together.
"You!" he roared, pointing a finger. Ishida frowned, perplexed. "Me?"
"No, the toilet behind you! Yes, you. Ya shot at me! What're you doin' here?"
"…I live here."
"…" Grimmjow stilled, calculating the likeability of scaling the railing and throttling Ishida before the grinch could stop him.
Ishida raised an eyebrow. "And what are you doing here?"
"Don't change the subject!" Damn. Now he had to start all over. If the angle of trajectory were aligned between the dromedary-bastard ottoman, the really ugly lamp, and the juice-stained stair third from the bottom—at least, he hoped it was juice—then the apex of the parabola would deposit him at the railing sector perpendicular to the eleventh stair. Force exerted times inertia and delayed by acceleration of gravity by 32.2 feet/second would call for a thrust of 800…wait, was that in Joules or Pascals?
"…Should I call the authorities?"
Grimmjow snarled as he tripped up again. Ulquiorra got impatient and elbowed him out of the way to step forward. "No. Everything is as it should be. I am Santa Claus. Make no hasty movement and return to your bedroom. By morning you will have forgotten everything, or at least you will accredit it all to a dream."
Uryuu's eye twitched. "You two are the strangest thieves I have ever met. Now, please leave before I do something we'll both regret."
"I sincerely doubt that you could—," SHHUNK. There was an arrow protruding from his stomach. Joy. Neutrally regarding the object, Ulquiorra sighed audibly. "I have warned you."
Before the bespectacled male could re-string his bow, the grinch had appeared behind him and whacked the back of his neck with Grimmjow's broomstick ex-antler. The cat chimera blinked and belatedly jerked at the removal of his head appendage.
Mauve eyes rolled back, Ishida's face stilled in frozen confusion. He toppled onto the stairs. Grimmjow nonchalantly watched, (and a bit huffily, since he had done all those sums for nothing), as Ulquiorra hefted the unconscious human back to his room, descending the stairs this time like a normal person.
"Hey, you've still got eh," Grimmjow gestured to his middle. Ulquiorra looked down briefly and ripped the arrow from his abdomen. A small waterfall of red un-stoppered, falling onto the nice shiny stairs.
Raising a blue eyebrow, the cat chimera scowled. "He didn't actually…hurt you…did he? 'Cause that would just be pathetic."
Ulquiorra answered him by unbuttoning his over-large shirt and showing Grimmjow the plastic pocket on the inner lapel. It was steadily leaking a frill of snuffle-ump blood. He emptied the compartment on the expensive looking Persian rug and replaced his shirt, a few bloodstained feathers drifting out of the ruined pillow.
…
After clipping the wire on the ridiculously bright star in the front room, they mutilated the switchbox with it. It was a bit odd that Ishida had no Christmas tree, a giant pentagram-esque star, and only white and blue Christmas lights, but it meant less work, so neither was complaining.
Before leaving the house, Ulquiorra had the decency to make Grimmjow wipe up the blood on the stairs and flip over the ruined foreign rug. Then he made up for that moment of weakness by running back upstairs and stealing one of Uryuu's nice satin goose down pillows to stuff in his shirt.
One down. 499 to go.
A/N: Wow, long time no update. This chapter's getting way too long, so this'll hafta be it. Sorry. Hime, Ichi's house, Tatsuki, Chad, Vizards, and Urahara Shoten up next. And anyone else I can think of.
Reviewing makes my fingers hyper. They'll work faster. ;)
