Season 1, Episode 2
Shawn and Buzz hid behind the black leathery couch of their living room, peaking out their heads just barely to reveal their great hair, foreheads and hazel and blue eyes. They were crouching and in stealth mode, using the couch as both a cover and a shield from the wrath of the man slamming pots and pans in the kitchen. They winced at a particularly loud 'clank' that was followed by a high 'slam' and a muttering of 'unbelievable' and 'I live in a house with two children.'
Carlton was fuming in the kitchen and when it looked like he was about to head out of the kitchen and into the living room both Shawn and Buzz ducked away and tried to make themselves invisible.
Buzz stared at his pa with his innocent eyes that were filled with concern and fear. "Pa, what's wrong with dad?"
Shawn's face scrunched up at yet another loud 'clank' and his smile faltered a little. "Well, Bee, your pa might have done something that got your dad angry."
Buzz placed his arms over his head in an attempt to protect himself from invisible projectiles aimed at him. "What did you do?"
"I might have scared his partner away." Shawn mimicked Buzz's pose, looking up for any flying pots or pans or even shoes.
"His partner?"
"You know how your dad is a hero and saves people every day?"
Buzz nodded eagerly. "Dad is a cop. It's his duty."
This caused Shawn to giggle immaturely. "Ha, you said duty."
"Pa."
"Right, well, a cop never goes anywhere alone. They have partners to stand by their side just in case something goes wrong."
Buzz's eyes brightened up. "Like you and Uncle Gus?"
"Exactly," Shawn nodded, "just like me and your uncle. Batman and Robin. Bert and Ernie."
"What happened to dad's partner?"
"I might have made her leave."
Buzz's eyes widened. "You made Robin and Ernie leave?"
"No! No, I didn't, well, I sort of did, but this was more like Catwoman and Big Bird than Robin and Ernie."
"So dad still has Robin and Ernie?"
"You bet, they're still out there for him."
"Then why is dad mad if he still has them?"
Shawn chuckled nervously as footsteps began from the kitchen and started getting louder. "He's mad because of what I did. I scared his Catwoman and Big Bird away. Also, all the peanut butter is gone, but that's not important. I did bad, and you know what happens when you do bad things."
"You get grounded."
"That's right, which is why we're hiding from him right now."
"But why am I hiding?" Buzz's face furrowed, making him look a lot like Carlton.
"You did help with making the peanut butter disappear."
"No I didn't!"
"What did your dad say about lying, young man?" Shawn mocked frowned.
"I'm not lying!"
"Uh-huh, so that wasn't you I saw a few days ago getting three more spoonful of peanut butter and two more slices of bread than this household allows?"
Buzz looked down. "But I didn't finish it all. I don't need to be hiding."
"Do you want to go out and talk with your dad right now?" Shawn said, making it sound like he was stating the obvious.
Buzz didn't even take the time to think. "No."
"Exactly. Your Uncle Gus should be here any minute now to pick us up, but we have to go through the door for freedom." The footsteps stopped and in-between them a long shadow hovered, signaling a presence just on the other side of the couch.
They both looked at the shadow in fear.
"Make a break for it?" Buzz whispered.
"Make a break for it," Shawn agreed. "On the count of three. One."
"Two." Buzz said
"Shawn!" Shouted Carlton, spotting them crouching behind the couch.
"Three!"
Shawn and Buzz bolted from behind the couch, both going the opposite directions and running around their husband and father. Carlton reached out to blindly grab one of them but missed and grabbed nothing but air for his efforts.
"Shawn Spencer! Buzz Spencer-Lassiter! Get back here right now!" He shouted after them.
"Run, Buzz! Run as fast as your little legs can!" Shawn said, jumping down the stairs of the front porch.
"It's all his idea, dad!" Buzz said when he saw his dad standing on the porch, fuming at them both.
"Traitor! You suggested it first!"
"You scared Catwoman and Big Bird away!"
"You ate all the peanut butter!"
"No! That was you!"
"I did no such thing."
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did no-"
"Both of you get back here this instant or I swear I'm going to ground you for the entire year!" Carlton walked down the stairs.
Shawn looked back at the man, misjudging a step and tripping on his own feet. In slow motion he saw himself fall forward, arms up and legs twisted. His cry of "noo" deepened an octave lower from the slow down and before getting a face full of grass he saw the terrified expression of Buzz, who on a six year old looked really adorable. He slammed to the ground, bending his knees so his feet were in the air and getting blades of grass in his mouth. When the shock of falling died down he lifted his head to see Buzz still staring at him with huge eyes that were shifting between him and something next to him. His little face said everything, 'Run.'
Shawn turned to his left just in time to see the furious face of his husband glaring a hole into his skull before he reached down and yanked him back on his feet from his collar, causing him to let out a very manly 'squeak.'
"Buzz! Keep going, save yourself! Call for a SWAT to rescue me, but first head for freedom!"
Buzz took steps forward to the sidewalk only to take those steps back, jumping back and forth, unable to decide what to do and having a panic. "I don't know what a SWAT is!"
Shawn sighed and leaned his head back in surrender. "That's all your son," he said to Carlton.
"Buzz you get back here," Carlton said to his son before turning to Shawn, "If anything that's all you."
"Says the man who doesn't believe in global warming."
"Says the man who didn't know Jiminy Cricket is, indeed, a cricket."
"How was I supposed to know he's a cricket!"
Carlton started dragging him back inside, turning his head to make sure Buzz was following after them. "I don't know, Shawn, maybe actually pay attention to his name?"
"Carly, Superman to my Batman, you aren't actually mad about the peanut butter, are you?" Shawn asked carefully when Carlton pushed him back inside the house and locked the door when Buzz entered after.
"Among other things," Carlton growled. "Lucinda transferred, and I'm supposed to get a new partner in a couple of days."
"That's great! You don't have to worry about her going Dutch anymore."
"What? That doesn't make any sense." Carlton lost all his anger momentarily.
"Sure it does! Unless she's actually going to Dutchland, in which case she's going to turn full blown Dutch."
"First of all, you're not even using that term correctly. Going Dutch means something completely different. Second, is Dutchland even real?"
"Probably is, otherwise someone is missing a big opportunity to make business. I'd visit Dutchland."
"Third," Carlton barked, "I lost Lucinda. I actually liked her as my partner, Shawn. She knew all the basics already and got work done without waiting for me to say anything."
"She also went behind your back and called me over as a suspect when you specifically told her not to," Shawn said as a matter of fact.
"I admit that did drop some points on her, but she thought she had good reason to have you down there."
"Of course she did," Shawn smiled, but it didn't exactly reach his eyes, "but on the bright side if she didn't call me down we wouldn't have Psych right now!"
Carlton arched an eyebrow. "Psych? Is that what you're calling your little business? Psych? As in 'Gotcha'?"
Shawn grinned, "Yeah, what do you think? Cool, huh?"
"It's creative," Carlton agreed, "but not exactly reassuring. I mean 'Gotcha'? It's like you're mocking your clients even before they walk through your door."
"No, the 'Gotcha' isn't for them. It's for the crooks and cheating husbands or wives. Everyone thinks they can get away with things, but when I'm on the case they've got nowhere to hide." Shawn raised his hands and wiggled his fingers in an attempt to make himself look mystic.
While the two adults were talking and bickering with each other, Buzz was trying to sneak away, taking one careful step at a time and avoiding stepping on anything that could cause noise. He was halfway to freedom, his room within sight, but the bad thing about having dads with amazing observation skills meant there was no way he could hide when they were in the same room together.
"Don't even think about it, Bee," Carlton said, crossing his arms and not even looking at him.
Slumping his head down in defeat, Buzz returned back to stand with his dads.
"What is this about you taking more peanut butter than you should have?" Carlton looked down at him.
Buzz shuffled on his feet. "I… might have done it."
"Is that right? Anything else you want to tell us?" Carlton looked skeptical; telling Shawn there was more to this than just missing peanut butter.
Shawn looked down at the little six year old. "Buzz, what did you do? I'm sensing this is more than just finishing the peanut buttery goodness."
Buzz bit his lower lip, avoiding any eye contact and twitching his tiny fingers.
"Shawn there is no psychic shenanigans allowed in this house. If you are going to consider, then you better do it without the show."
Shawn pouted. "You take the fun out of everything."
"Not what you said three nights ago," Carlton muttered just loud enough for only Shawn to hear.
"Carlton!" Shawn mocked, "you minx, there is a child present!"
"And that child needs to start talking." They looked to Buzz again, who remained as quiet as he could.
"What's the reason for this interrogation?" Shawn asked Carlton. They weren't going to get anything until the problem presented itself first.
"I got a call from the school. It seems Bee here did more than just take more spoons of peanut butter and bread."
Buzz's shuffling quickened, almost to the point of bouncing with nervousness. He managed a whole minute without saying anything until the stares from both his dads broke through. "There was a project in school. Someone built this really cool volcano but they were being mean about it. They said aid their volcano was the best out of all the projects, even mine."
"So what did you do?" Carlton edged him to continue.
"I… stuffed peanut butter inside the volcano." Buzz looked dejected, embarrassed and extremely guilty.
Shawn couldn't help it. He was weak when it came to the kicked puppy looks both Buzz and Carlton did. It was the eyes, something about the eyes just made the effect that much stronger. He kneeled down, placing a gentle hand on the small shoulder. "Buzz, were you jealous?"
"No!" Buzz quickly responded, "I just wanted him to stop picking on everyone about how his volcano was better than theirs. He made Jenny cry."
Shawn fought the urge to say 'aww' but couldn't hold back the little noise he made escaping his mouth. "Buzz I'm all for you defending everyone's honor against this volcano bragging assailant, but ruining their property is not the right thing to do, not if you get caught. Next time don't leave any witnesses."
"Shawn, don't tell him that!" Carlton said.
"Okay, okay, ruining property is a huge no, no, Bee. Don't do it."
Buzz nodded. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, cheer up. You did it for a good cause, just not a good way," Shawn tapped his little chin.
"You owe an apology to the bully and to your teacher," Carlton said.
"But-" Buzz pouted.
"No buts. And you're grounded."
"Harsh," Shawn hissed, "getting put in the doghouse."
"Oh, he's not the only one in the doghouse," Carlton's voice got lowered, "you're going to the pound, Shawn, and that means you're sleeping on the couch."
"You can't mean that!"
"But I do," Carlton gave him a grin, a grin that meant anything but joy. "You owe me. A lot. First for scaring away Lucinda."
"First? What's the second? I'm not responsible for the peanut butter."
"No, the second is for making me sign up for t this psychic stuff and making me the skeptical one always to be proven wrong."
"But you are the skeptical one!"
"For good reason! You're not psychic."
Shawn stood up. "I could totally be! I just have to wave my arms all mystically and I'll have people blowing up our phone to have their palms read by me. Besides, it's your own fault for not wanting to play along in the first place. Just believe, Carly, and everything will fall into place." There was a honk from outside the house, signaling Gus had arrived. As quick as a flash Shawn leaned up and gave his husband a peck on his lips before rushing off.
"Shawn!" Carlton shouted after him.
"Come on, Buzz! Uncle Gus is here. Grab your backpack; we're making a break for it!"
Buzz quickly followed the order and went to grab his tiny black and blue backpack that was resting next to the door and followed after him. He was on the verge of jumping through the window of the tiny blue car if his pa hadn't opened the door just before running around the back of the car for shotgun.
"Boys!" Carlton stood on the porch, watching his idiot family act childish and run away.
"Bye, dad! I'll see you after school." Buzz said and waved through the opened window.
"Bye, honey! I'll see you after work." Shawn mimicked the action.
Carlton sighed as he watched the blue car drive off. He rubbed his forehead in exasperation. Why he, of all people, had gotten stuck with an idiot man-child of a husband was beyond him. But God-forbid, he still loved the man.
Shawn sat down heavily on the puffy stool. He crossed his arms over the counter and waved at the lady on the other side for his order. "Lucy, get me juice please, on the rocks. Give me anything stronger if you have it."
Lucy rolled her eyes with a smile. "Good morning to you, too. One pineapple with a dash of ginger and apple coming up."
Shawn waited patiently until the glass of heaven was pushed in front of him with a slide. He grabbed a straw, ripped off the paper and drank the blissful concoction with a happy sigh. He took another long sip, making his taste buds scream in joy.
"You're an angel, Lucy. What will I ever do without your pineapple mix?"
"Hopefully not out making shady deals to get something close to my mix," Lucy said. "Need anything else for today?"
"No," another sip. "This is all I need."
"Hard week?" Lucy guessed.
Shawn placed his drink down and began twirling the straw wrapper, making a little snake out of it. "Something like that." And it really was. Carlton wasn't kidding when he said Shawn was in the pound. For the past week he had been kicked out of the bedroom and forced on the couch. No amount of apologies or attempted make-up sex or even taking out the garbage changed Carlton's mind. The man was determined to make Shawn suffer for scaring away his partner, even if it meant going an entire week without sex. An entire week without even a kiss!
He leaned his head down so it would rest on his arm. He used his other one to grab the wrapper and make the snake crawl and dance around the smooth surface. He knew his husband was a stubborn man, but to hold off for so long without anything? No kiss, no physical touch, no time to have one single witty banter!
He really must have gone too far this time. Sure his mouth got him in trouble on more than one occasion, and sometimes he can't help saying things without thinking first, but that was what made Shawn, well, Shawn. Besides, Lucinda was getting too touchy feely with his husband. Carlton belonged to him, no one else. All Shawn's. Carlton was Shawn's property and he'll be damned if he allowed some partner to get their manicured hands on him.
Now if only Carlton would see it his way and move on. Sure Lucinda was great, and she proved to be helpful on the McCallum case, giving him information when Carlton was too busy off somewhere else. But other than that she was just a person who apparently didn't mind making the moves on a married man who had a very clingy and cuddly husband.
"Want to talk about it?" Lucy asked as she grabbed empty glasses and began wiping them down with a cloth.
"No, no, last thing I wanna do right now. Thanks though, Lucy."
Lucy nodded and walked through the doors leading to the kitchen. Shawn stood up from his stool and walked out of the place to grab the paper waiting for him outside, needing something to distract him. Perhaps the papers had news about a robbery or a kidnapping that needed solving. Perhaps someone invented the next hot dogs capable of curing Gus's fashion sense. Who knows?
He was out for only one minute. No, less than one minute. Thirty seconds, tops. When he returned he found his stool, which he had been seating on not thirty seconds ago, that still had his glass of juice and his little straw snake, occupied. Someone was sitting on his stool. His stool that he left alone for only thirty seconds. Thirty seconds.
A young lady on perhaps her late 20's with long blonde hair had taken his spot on the thirty seconds it took for Shawn to grab the paper. Had Shawn not been a married man and still madly in love with one Carlton Lassiter after ten years of being together, he would have been all over the thought of hitting on this lady. As it happens, he's still in love with the grumpy head detective, even if the man was causing him to be extremely horny.
Grumpily, he walked to the lady. "Excuse me? You're on my seat."
The lady looked startled for a second before she regained herself and put a smile on. "Am I?"
"Actually, yes, you are," Shawn replied and leaned on the counter.
The lady's smile widened. "Are you one of those weirdo compulsives who come to the same restaurant, sit in the same chair, and eat the same food every day?"
Taken back by her comeback Shawn couldn't help but be impressed. He grins and shakes his head a little. "Uh, no, no, no. I was sitting right there three minutes ago, and then I went outside to get myself a paper." He lifted his hand holding the paper for evidence. "I ordered the juice, and look I made a crawling snake with the straw wrapper." He pointed and held said items. "You can finish it if you think you're up to the job."
"I'm sorry," She said, "you want me to move?"
"Not anymore. So, what's up?" He sat down and looked eager to converse, even though he didn't felt it.
"I don't have time to talk," she made an effort to look at her newspaper and ignore him, but Shawn wasn't having that. This lady took his seat and he wasn't going to let that go.
"But you haven't heard what I'm going to say."
He noticed her chewing her lip in annoyance. "See, now we've already talked more than I wanted to."
He sighed and gave her bag a quick look, noticing fur and a picture of what was without a doubt her parents. "Well, I did give you my seat, you know. I think that gets me one question."
She turned to look at him, determined to make him stop, "Listen, diner guy…"
"Shawn."
"Shawn. Flattered, really. Very often I am happy to meet new people, but today, right here, right now, I can't talk."
"I understand. I do. What if I do the talking for both of us?"
She looked exasperated. "Have at it! Do you mind if I read the paper and stare aimlessly out the window while you two talk?"
And Shawn did. He made up a conversation playing both roles, and if he was honest he was enjoying annoying the lady who stole his chair. That was until he noticed how her body stiffened and she straightened after a new customer came through the door. He ducked his head down and scolded himself for not realizing it earlier. He spent his whole life around cops, even married one ("It's Detective, Shawn), how could he have missed the obvious clues to a stake out?
He ducked when the lady ordered him to duck and took notice how her hands shook holding the gun. First timers, he scoffed. If Carlton had seen that he would have berated her for it. And speaking of Carlton, the very man he was grumbling about when he first entered the establishment suddenly barged in and shouted "Police!" along with a "Gun! Go!"
Shawn gazed at the man and nearly drooled from the way he handled himself in arresting the bad guy. He always loved watching Carlton be all Stern Cop with the demanding voice and barking orders everywhere. But as quick as it started the arrest was over and the officers on the side were dragging their new prisoner away. His husband looked his way and Shawn gave a little wave. Carlton placed his gun away and awkwardly left the place, eager to get out, but he did look back one last time to Shawn before disappearing.
Shawn turned to face the counter. His husband was still mad at him. Great.
The lady quickly put her gun in her bag and began packing her things, ready to follow after the officers.
"First time pulling your gun?" Shawn asked. He was slightly frustrated from lack of kisses and sex from Carlton and picking on her seemed the easier option.
"Maybe," she answered and marched out of the building.
Shawn sighed and returned back to his seat. He waved for Lucy, "Check, please."
Gus and Buzz sat in the Psych office and stared at the screen up on the wall. They were watching the regional finals of the American Spelling Bee and were both wordlessly saying the letters in an attempt to help the contestants, even though it was impossible to do so. Buzz balled up his hands in anticipation, mimicking his uncle. Both their legs began to bounce with eagerness.
"Do you think he'll win this year?" Buzz asked with hope.
"You know he will. He came in second last year," Gus answered.
The boy they were rooting for came up for his turn. He held an inhaler in his hand and looked beyond nervous. Both nephew and uncle began bouncing their arms in excitement. The boy seemed to struggle saying the words, which only encouraged them to shout at the screen in hopes that he could hear them.
"Uncle Gus?" Buzz said without looking at him.
"Yeah, Bee?" Gus replied, doing the same.
"Would I have won if I competed?"
"Nothing says you couldn't have. If you studied and worked hard and tried your best I bet you could walk out with the prize."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Just make sure your pa doesn't try to help you. Did you know that I competed in this?"
Buzz looked at him with stars in his eyes, "You did?"
"I did, and I almost won, too."
"What happened?"
"I took some bad advice," Gus muttered.
"Pa?" Buzz asked, obviously knowing the answer already.
"Yep."
"I'm sorry, Uncle Gus. You could have won it. I know you could."
Gus shrugged, "Happened a long time ago. You know you still have a chance at it. We can start practicing now and enter you next year."
Buzz shook his head, "Maybe, but I'm not good at remembering things."
"You're not good at studying. Remembering and studying are two different things. You remember things just fine. In fact you remember things better than most."
"Pa doesn't like the spelling bee."
"He may not like it but this is for you, not him. Besides, your dad would encourage it. I know he will."
Buzz looked back at the screen and studied all the contestants. He noticed the way they all looked nervous and a bit desperate and almost in pain. While the spelling bee was fun to watch he didn't think it would be fun to take part of.
"Were you scared when you were up?"
Gus quickly shook his head, "No. It's a little nerve wrecking, but otherwise it wasn't that bad." That was a lie. It was downright terrifying when he was up there but he didn't want to discourage Buzz from thinking of participating in it.
"They don't look happy up there," Buzz pointed at the screen.
"Well competing against others isn't exactly something to be happy about."
"I don't want to do that."
Gus reached out and placed a hand on his little shoulder, "Then don't. You don't have to. I won't force you and neither will your dads."
Buzz nodded and after a moment of silence spoke up again, "Do you think Chin will come in second?"
"No way. Kevin will definitely be the runner up."
"No, Chin."
"Kevin."
"Chin."
"Kevin."
The sound of the front door of the office interrupted them and in came Shawn, "Hey, what are my two favorite boys doing?"
Both boys jumped up as if they were just caught doing something they weren't supposed to. Gus scrambled for the remote to turn off the TV and Buzz ran for the seat behind the desk to grab random papers on the surface, pretending to look interested.
Shawn entered the room and, upon looking at how 'innocent' the two were looking, raised his arms in question, "What were you both-? Were you watching Korean por – Korean pop? Gus, I told you not to do that with Buzz in the room!"
"What? No! It's the regional finals for the American Spelling Bee," Gus quickly said.
"Seriously?" Shawn looked appalled, "are you encouraging Buzz to take part in this affair of childhood trauma that will in no doubt cause us to send him to therapy and will give Carlton an aneurism when he sees the bills for it? 'Cause I'm telling you now I will not give him foot massages every day for the next 20 years."
"Pa!" Buzz cried out, "The spelling bee isn't bad."
"Shawn, don't mock us. It's a huge event. So what if Buzz likes it," Gus said.
"I can't believe this," Shawn walked around the room to stand next to the TV, which Gus had turned back on, "you're turning my son against me. Turning him into a mini-Gus. Next thing you know he'll be going into pharmaceutical sales and wearing suits. No wait, that last one will be Carlton's fault."
"It's being held in Santa Barbara this year," Gus crosses his arms and looks at the screen, "It's huge."
"If it's so huge then why aren't you sitting there instead of watching it here," Shawn asked.
"It's sold out," Buzz came around the desk and stood next to Gus, pouting at the news he just said, "Uncle Gus couldn't get tickets."
Shawn clicked his tongue and looked at the pair pouting at the fact that they weren't seeing this event in front row seats. It was too late. Already, Buzz was turning into a mini-Gus. He looked at the screen with them, noting how the Vu kid took a breath with his inhaler in an attempt to help his performance only to end up making it worse. The kid collapsed on stage, making both Gus and Buzz say "Dang!" with shocked faces.
"No, he was supposed to win this year!" Buzz said with a tone that suggested he felt betrayed by the turn of events.
"Wait, did you see that?" Shawn grabbed the remote and rewind.
"See what?" Gus asked.
"What do you see?" Buzz squinted his eyes in an attempt to spy what his dad was seeing, "Pa?"
"This is no accident. Something's wrong with that inhaler," Shawn states.
Gus takes the remote back from Shawn just as the phone begins to ring. Shawn went to answer it and had a quick chat with Chief Vick, proving his statement that something was indeed wrong with the inhaler. He couldn't help but grin when the Chief relayed the news that he and his partner were going to the scene to investigate. Who needed tickets when you had a psychic to get you in?
"Guess who can get us into the spelling bee?"
Buzz is quick to jump up, "Who?"
"This guy," Shawn pointed at himself with his thumbs, "right here. I was right about the inhaler. We have a case. Bandon Dunes inhaler was sabotaged."
"Brendan Vu," Gus and Buzz corrected.
"Sure. Get this, the kid said his inhaler felt funny. When he used it, his hand stung, paramedics get there, there's no inhaler. Apparently, the thing vanished into thin air."
"Shawn we are so taking this!" Gus grabbed his coat and keys, "Come on, Buzz get your stuff. We're going to a spelling bee."
"Yeah!" Buzz quickly grabbed his backpack, "Come on, Pa!"
Shawn shakes his head, "Why can't I get you both this excited about hotdog eating contests?"
"Hurry, Pa!"
"Let's go, Shawn!"
"Or Mexico?" Shawn smiles fondly and follows after them.
They arrive at the place in no time flat. Gus and Buzz looked around as if they were witnessing a life-changing event for the first time, which in their case technically were. Shawn marched forward, half pulling and half shepherding Gus besides him while Buzz ran straight to the building to peak through the glass.
"Buzz, don't go too far!" Shawn said.
"I won't!"
"Stay within sight!"
"I will!"
"Don't go anywhere without telling me first!"
"I promise!"
Even with the promise Shawn still kept an eagle eye on the six year old. When they caught up with Chief Vick, Shawn glanced back and forth between his son and the Chief. After the conversation he called the child over and led them inside the building where they looked like children in a very elaborate candy store (even when one of them was actually a child).
They took empty seats and sat down. They managed to stay for five minutes entirely before Shawn couldn't take it anymore. Backstage even less so. He couldn't stand seeing the parents who were practically forcing their children to study for the sake of winning and getting scholarships and a chance at college (even though they were still children and shouldn't worry about college yet).
"And you were there the whole time?" Shawn asked the child.
"I was."
"Assimilation," the mother said, making the kid practice.
Shawn bit back a remark he would have said at the parenting he was witnessing. He felt bad for the kid. He looked to Buzz, who was sitting next to him while Gus occupied his other side. His son had a strange combination of expressions on his face, ranging from excitement to stress that came from just looking at the other nervous kids.
By the 13 parent he was about ready to yank his marvelous hair out.
"Are you going to try for the spelling bee?" The 13 mother asked Buzz after 10 minutes into their interrogation.
Buzz stuttered, caught unprepared, "I- I, uh. I'm n-not sure."
"I understand. Not every child can handle it. My son studied for months to reach this point."
That was it. Buzz was facing the floor now, looking as if he had just heard both his dads say he was a disappointed. Shawn was seeing red at the sight, and even Gus showed he was at his breaking point, considering the way his hands were clenched.
"If you'll excuse us," Shawn forced a smile, "I just remembered this place is child trauma waiting to happen and I'd rather have my son as far away from it as possible."
The mother made a face but Shawn ignored her and looked to Buzz, "Come on, Bee. Let's go see what room we can crash and pretend to be forensics."
Buzz nodded but didn't seem to perk up like he usually did when Shawn suggested pretending-play anything police related. Gus followed after them. They made their way back to the main room just in time to hear people announce Spellmaster Elvin having trouble breathing. Shawn caught on within seconds and quickly moved to grab Buzz and turn him away from the man, who toppled over a second later and fell into the seats below him. Thankfully, there wasn't anyone for him to crush, but even so the people surrounding the place began screaming and shouting.
"Pa, what's going on?" Buzz tried turning his head around to look at the source of all the screaming.
"Nothing, Bee. Nothing," Shawn covered his eyes with his hand. He shared a glance with Gus, who looked concerned, "Nothing at all."
Tricking a guard, grabbing noodles for evidence and announcing the whole scene as murder later, Shawn found himself being glared upon by his husband outside the building.
"You brought Buzz with you to investigate a case?!"
"Now, Carlton in my defense nothing dramatic was supposed to happen. We were only going to ask the parents questions. How was I supposed to know someone was going to fall off the balcony?" Shawn tried reasoning.
"Either way! It's common sense, Shawn. You're never supposed to bring your kid to any investigations," Carlton looked frantic.
"Nothing was supposed to happen," Shawn repeated, "Buzz really wanted to see the spelling bee. You didn't see his pouty face he pulled when he said it was sold out. How could I leave him behind knowing I was going to walk around the very place he really wanted to be? What kind of parent do you think I am?"
"An irresponsible one who thinks it's okay to take their son to an investigation!"
Shawn waves his statement away, "Think of it as a 'Bring your son to work' day," Carlton quirked an eyebrow, "I covered his eyes. He didn't see a thing."
"He heard everything. He's going to have nightmares about it now!"
"I'm sorry, alright. Things got out of control and a murder happened. I don't have control over that.
"And that's another thing. How do you know it's a murder? What proof do you have, Shawn?" Carlton crossed his arms.
"This," Shawn pulled out the plastic bag with the poisoned food in it, "Elvin was eating this and then fell over. Coincidence? I think not!"
"Shawn," Carlton pinched the bridge of his nose, "what makes you think his food was poisoned?"
"Super sniffer."
"Right, of course. Super sniffer. This is officially a murder now."
"I sense sarcasm. You don't trust the super sniffer. I am offended in Gus' place! Gus has respect for you, Carly, if he ever hears you doubt his super sniffer you'll break his heart. Gus is really sensitive about this."
"Shawn," Carlton sighed, "that's not what I meant. You need more than the super sniffer to claim this is murder."
"But, Carlton it is murder. I just need to run this in for traces of the poison."
"And how are you going to do that?"
"Well I was thinking you could help-"
"No, Shawn," Carlton quickly said.
"But, Carly-"
"I'm not going to use police resources for this."
"You don't believe me," Shawn's face fell an inch.
"I do, Shawn. I do believe you, but I can't just send things without reason. I need to fill out paper work and then I need probably cause. Get me something else, something solid."
Shawn threw a hand up, "This is solid! What more solid can you get? It's edible, too. Wait, is this payback? Are you refusing to help because you're still mad about the 'transferring your partner' thing? It's been days now! And look who you got as a new partner. She's cuter, younger and looks like she'll tolerate you," He received a glare for that. "Am I still in the dog house?"
"Find something else," Carlton refused to budge, but his eyes softened just a bit, barely noticeable to untrained eyes, "keep searching, but be careful," he turned around and took two steps before looking back again, "Also, you're still in the dog house, and don't take Bee with you. You've already traumatized him enough."
"What, not even a kiss good luck?"
"Good bye, Shawn."
"Love you!" Shawn shouted after him.
Carlton didn't respond but he waved as he continued walking back into the building. At the same time Gus came out with Buzz by his side. Buzz's pouting disappeared and his excitement was back from just having witnessed an actual investigation with police and forensics everywhere.
"How did it go?" Gus asked when he reached him.
"Well he was mad for 4 minutes. A new record. He's still grumpy about his partner transferring."
Gus nodded, "He has good reason to be grumpy. I'd be mad, too if someone caused my partner to transfer."
"Come on, Gus. I'm not going anywhere."
"You know what I mean, Shawn."
Shawn shrugged, "I don't see what's so bad about it. Have you seen the new partner?"
"I have."
"And?" Shawn encouraged.
"And what?"
"You don't think she's cute? Smart? Charming? A spy in disguise?"
"I didn't talk to her, Shawn. You can't just say someone's a spy without at least talking to them."
"Says who?"
"Logic, Shawn. It's called character study."
"You're making that up."
Gus rolled his eyes, "What now?"
"Now," Shawn quickly thought it over. His second best choice for finding out what poison was in the food was his (he couldn't believe he was even thinking this) dad, "now I go and find someone who can run tests on this."
"Where to?" Gus made to follow him.
Shawn raises a hand to stop him. "I'm going to need you to do me a favor, buddy. Can you take care of Bee while I go do this?"
Buzz gave a confused glance at him when he heard his name.
Gus frowned, "I need to get back to work in three hours."
"It shouldn't take me that long. An hour, max. Go eat somewhere together. Bring me back something when you're done," Shawn kneeled to stand face to face with Buzz, "take care of your uncle, Bee. Don't let him go and do something crazy."
"Where are you going?"
He took a deep breath, "I'm going to face a lion."
Facing the lion was right. Shawn didn't just face the lion he also faced the lion's entire pride. Henry could play the entire roles all on his own and if Shawn hadn't been so angry at the fact that he ended up staying longer than the promised hour he would have been impressed that his father was a white and bald version of Eddie Murphy when he played all the roles in The Nutty Professor.
The sun was gone and the dog house was still not finished when his phone began ringing. He stood and stretched his legs, cringing when he saw the name on the caller ID.
He chuckled nervously when he answered, "Carly, baby. How's it going?"
"How's it going? How's it going?" Carlton sounded frustrated, "I'll tell you how's it going, Shawn. I had to leave work early to pick up Buzz from Burton's office after you left him there to go parading off and do who knows what and you know what I find?"
"Carlton-"
"I find Buzz worried about his father because he decided to run off and face a lion. A lion. When you didn't show up after the hour you promised he thought you were attacked or eaten by this lion."
"Carly-"
"And now he won't go to sleep because he wants to know you're alright and if you don't get your ass home right now I swear Shawn you're going to permanently stay on this couch."
Through the phone Shawn could hear his husband's heavy breathing from the rant he just finished, "I'm on my way. I'll be back home in ten minutes. In fact, my ass is already on the road and I have to go and catch up with it," Shawn said.
"See that you do, and it better be five."
"Love you."
"Come back home right now."
With a click on the other end Shawn tucked his phone away. The dog house wasn't done and without it he wasn't going to get his test results for the poison in the food. He was expected to have it done and he was also expected to head home.
He weighed his options. On one hand he could stay and finished the dog house and get his test going and prove the whole thing was murder, but if he did that he'd end up having an affair with the couch for years to come. On the other hand he could head home already to a husband and a worried son, not get his test and prove the entire thing was murder, but at least this would be a first step to getting a small kiss or even a chance at sleeping on the bed again.
A no brainer he decided on the latter, but his choice was already picked before he even took a step. Henry came back with his grumpy demeanor, gave the dog house a glance and deemed it wrong.
Angry, frustrated and tired Shawn got on his bike and made his way back home through the empty streets of Santa Barbara. Perfect trip to enjoy the wind on his body and for his mind to wander, but the ride was cut short when a van nearly tried to kill him by running him over. A hurt arm and an injured leg later he found himself spending the night in the hospital and he knew for a fact he was a dead man.
"Gus! My hero," Shawn said as he walked out of his room early in the morning the next day.
"What happened?" Gus looked him over, making sure there weren't other injuries the nurses missed.
"Bike accident."
"Are you alright?"
They began walking down the hallways. Shawn giving quick glances inside rooms on their way, "I'm fine. They're releasing me."
"You call your dad?"
"I am not gonna talk to my dad," Shawn said with disdain.
"He'd wanna know you're okay."
"All he cares about are results just like those possessed spelling bee parents. You know what's wrong with this? All of th-"
"Shawn Spencer!"
Shawn and Gus froze on the spot. Down the hall, pushing his way through doctors and nurses and patients, came Carlton, who looked like a furious man on a mission. By his side he was holding Buzz's hand, carefully maneuvering him through the river of bodies. Shawn unconsciously stood up straight. Carlton was beyond mad.
"You called him?" He whispered harshly to Gus.
"Of course I did. He has a right to know when you get injured, Shawn. Besides, he kept calling my phone asking if I knew where you were. You didn't answer yours," Gus whispered back.
"Of course I didn't. I was strapped on a bed in this place! They took my phone."
"Well you better start on that apology essay because here he comes."
Shawn forced a smile and lifted his arms up for a hug. Carlton's face didn't change but Buzz shouted a "Pa!" and came running after yanking his arm away from Carlton's grip. With his injured knee unable to bend Shawn had to lean down with his back and get a chest-full of six year old who gave him a crushing hug. He bit back a yelp when the squirming body hit his injured arm. He didn't make a noise but his face expressed his silent pain, which Carlton saw.
"Buzz, careful. Your idiot father is injured," Carlton said with his frown still in place.
Buzz nodded but he refused to let go.
Shawn lifted the child and balanced him with his one good arm and one good knee, "Carly I can explain."
"You better. I spent all last night waiting for you to show up or give a call or for Burton to call that you got yourself into something. Imagine my surprise when I receive that call thirty minutes ago from Burton telling me you're in the hospital," Carlton crossed his arms.
"Well, okay, maybe I can't explain. At least not here," Shawn shifted his eyes around.
Carlton remained unmoved.
Shawn sighed, "I was going to call you. I swear. I just didn't want you to-"
"Worry?" Carlton interrupted, "A little too late for that."
"Carly did you just admit you were worried? You do still love me."
"Shawn," he growled.
"I'll tell you everything later, promise."
Carlton thought it over for a second. His face stoned with his signature frown. He rolled his eyes, threw his head back and let out a snarl, "I want every single detail, understand? Don't even think about leaving anything out."
"Done. Can you take-" Shawn made a gesture to their son who was still clinging to him.
"Oh, no. You got him for the entire day after the stunt you pulled last night. I have to go to work."
"It's not like I did it on purpose," Shawn whined, "We're still investigating."
"Then you better be careful. Burton make sure nothing happens to them," the detective pointed at the man. Satisfied when Gus nodded he turned to make his way out of the hospital but stopped after three steps. He hesitated before turning back around and placed a hand on Shawn's shoulder. He leaned down and said, "Be careful, Shawn," before giving him a kiss on his lips and marched out.
"He loves me," Shawn said with a grin when Carlton was gone.
"Hard to imagine why," Gus muttered.
"Come on, Gus. Everyone loves me."
"Shawn, the case."
"Right," Shawn nodded, "the Vu kid. He's somewhere around here. Let's go talk to him," he took a step forward, or at least tried to, but then he remembered 55 pounds of child still clinging to him, "Bee? Buddy, I need to walk, and you're a bit on the tall and heavy side."
Buzz didn't respond but by the shaking of his head against his neck Shawn figured he heard him and refused to let go. Shawn gave Gus a pleading look and mouthed a 'help me.'
Gus rolled his eyes but he got closer to touch his shoulder with Shawn's, "Lean against me."
"Thanks, Buddy," Shawn did just that and sighed when some of the pressure on his bad knee eased.
"Don't expect me to do this every day."
"Love you, too, Gus."
A dog house completed, a big reveal, a new partner who actually took his words to heart by the name of Juliet O'Hara, and a murderer and his kid in custody later and Shawn was aching from having his injured knee overworked. And having his best friend chase him around outside the building while having his son laugh at them on the sidelines didn't help one bit.
He all but collapsed on the couch when he was shepherded inside with his husband's and son's help. He shuffled a bit on the furniture, trying to find a comfortable spot without straining his already unbearable messed-up knee.
"Never let me see the light of day," He said, staring at the ceiling.
His husband walked up with a glass of water in his hand, "Man up. It's only a sprained knee."
"You say the sweetest things to me, darling," Shawn accepted the water gratefully.
"Are you okay, Pa?" Buzz asked, worriedly.
"I'm fine, Bee. I'll be good as new in no time and up putting bad guys away."
"The only thing you'll be putting away is yourself in bed," Carlton said, sitting next to him.
"Does this mean I can sleep in the bedroom?" Shawn asked with hope, "Am I forgiven?"
"I wouldn't go that far."
"One day you will see the error of your ways by not letting me sleep in the same bed as you."
"I'm shaking."
"I can shake your world," Shawn grinned.
"You're sleeping on the couch," Carlton said without hesitation.
"You take that back."
"Dads," Buzz interrupted before they could get further into their banter, "why are you fighting? Are you still mad about losing your Big Bird and Catwoman?"
Carlton frowned, "My Big Bird and Catwoman?"
"Your partner," Shawn supplied.
"Yeah, are you still mad?" Buzz had his eyes wide, making Carlton crumble.
"I'm not mad, per say. I'm just… upset."
"You still love pa, right?"
Carlton made a face that looked like he had just suck on a sour candy. Shawn's grin grew wider.
"Of course I still love him," Carlton said, "even when he drives me insane. We're just having a bit of a-"
"Emotional tussle," Shawn said, "Don't worry about your dad, Bee. He'll forgive me one day. That new partner of his will melt his Grinch heart in no time. Just you wait. She's going to be Wonder Woman to his Superman and my Batman."
"She is?" Buzz's eyes brightened, "what does that make Uncle Gus?"
"Gus? That would make him the Green Lantern, maybe? No, he wouldn't handle flying into space each time. He can't be Flash, wouldn't be able to handle the speed. He'll get sick every time. Aquaman? He could pass as Aquaman, right?"
"Bee," Carlton said, "bed time. Go get ready. You have school tomorrow."
"But-" Buzz pouted.
"No buts. March."
With his head down the six year old marched to his room, but not before bidding his dads goodnight. Now, with their son out of the way, Shawn was vulnerable to Carlton's fury. He swallowed nervously for the incoming on slaughter.
It happened ten minutes after Buzz left.
"Shawn, we need to find someone to watch over Buzz when we're on cases."
That… came out of nowhere.
"Come again?"
Carlton looked at him, "We need to find someone to watch over Buzz when we're out on the field. There's no point in denying we're going to be busy on some days, working all night to catch scumbags."
"We were doing fine for the past six years," Shawn tried countering.
"The past six years you were jumping from part-time job to part-time job. You always had the time to watch over him. If not you there was always Burton. Now, since you became a… consultant your time has been filled. I'm busy. You're busy. Burton is busy. As much as I hate to say this we need help. At least have someone to stand by and be ready for when we call," Carlton said.
"We'll just take Buzz with us."
"I think we can agree how bad that idea is, considering what happened recently, Shawn," Carlton deadpanned.
"Nothing was supposed to happen," Shawn repeated again after who knows how many times.
"I don't want Buzz anywhere near cases. It's not a guarantee nothing will happen, and Shawn, sorry to burst your bubble but you're not an actual psychic. You can't predict when things are going to happen."
"Such faith in me."
"Shawn I'm serious!"
"Alright," Shawn lifted his hands in surrender.
Carlton blinked, "Alright? You're agreeing to it? That's it?"
"I don't like the idea of leaving Bee with someone else that's not you or Gus, but I get why we need a standby. I'm not going to argue when it involves Buzz's well-being."
Silence followed. For a second Shawn thought he had broken his husband by agreeing with him without a fight. He poked the detective on his cheek just to make sure he didn't end up dying on the spot, "Carlton? Hun, you alive?"
The head detective snapped back, "Why can't I get you to agree this quickly when we're deciding on lunch?"
"Because one word, Jerk Chicken. Who can resist that?"
"Technically that's two words."
"Keep talking dirty to me."
"Shawn."
"Because this isn't about me or you. This is about Buzz and his six year old innocent self. I don't want him anywhere near a crime scene until he's at least 30."
"A bit too late for that," the faintest hint of a smile edged on Carlton's lips.
"I don't want him anywhere near his second crime scene until he's 30," Shawn rephrased.
A comfortable silence fell between them. Carlton scooted over closer to his husband and, with a smooth move Shawn hadn't seen since they first began dating, wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Shawn leaned his head against the arm and snuggled closer. His nose filled up with a smell that was purely his husband, all full head testosterone with coffee and gun residue, and he relaxed, nearly falling asleep on the spot.
"I was thinking," Carlton started. His breath puffing against his husband's hair.
"That's dangerous," Shawn retorted.
He ignored it, "I was thinking that, since we don't want a random stranger looking after Buzz, we should get someone we know."
"That's a good plan. I never would have thought of it."
"Listen, smartass I'm trying to get to my point."
"You love this smartass."
"God only knows why I do."
"It's the hair."
"As I was saying, I'm thinking we should get someone we both know."
"You realize that list of someone we know isn't exactly long? At least not in the trust department. There's Gus who we have to rule out. And there's… Gus' parents, who don't exactly like me. There's also… Gus."
"Alright, so we're not as social as we should be."
"No, no, no, I'm social enough for both of us. What we don't have is a foundation of trust. We have trust issues. There's a difference. What about Lulu?"
Carlton looked pained, "As much as I want her to she's not about to move three cities over just to watch over Buzz. By the way she's thinking of paying us a visit."
"Great, we haven't seen her in three years. I'm sure Buzz will be excited."
Another silence, but unlike the other two this one was showing signs of tension, all coming from Carlton.
"What is it? I can practically hear you straining with a thought and you're starting to drown me with tension," Shawn said.
"Well, we need someone to watch over Buzz and we don't want a stranger. The only person we trust with him isn't always free. That leaves us with one person who even comes close to it," Carlton was avoiding eye contact, which wasn't a good sign whatsoever.
Shawn was getting an idea of who he was referring to, "I don't like the sound of that. I don't like where this is going in general."
"Shawn."
Shawn sat up, "You're not referring to the person I think you're referring. I swear, Carlton Lassiter, if you are I won't be the one sleeping on this couch tonight."
"He's our second best choice," Carlton placed a hand on his shoulder.
"No. He shouldn't be a choice at all. I am not letting Buzz stay with him alone for more than five minutes."
"He's your father. He's Buzz's grandfather."
"Exactly. He's my father and I told you what he did to me. I'm messed up, Carlton. I'm not letting him mess up Buzz. He won't be able to take it! It'll ruin him."
Carlton kissed him shut, "You're not ruined, Shawn. You're anything but. Don't ever say that. I know what Henry did."
"Then why are you even suggesting it?"
"Because I don't think he'll do that. Buzz doesn't have eidetic memory. Henry has no reason to try and morph him into the perfect detective like he did you," he kissed the younger man's forehead, "he's our best option. Unless you want to hire a 17 year old high schooler?"
"I think I prefer them over him. Anyone but him."
"We'll give him specific instructions on what to do and what never to do. Look at it this way, if he does something wrong we have reason to cuff him. You've dreamed about bringing your old man in just like he did to you years ago."
"Have I been talking in my sleep again? What else did I say? Anything involving you naked in bed covered with whip cream and pineapples everywhere replacing the roses?"
"No, but now I do and that's an interesting thought."
"I love it when you think dirty thoughts."
"I know you do. Tell you what, promise me you'll think about Henry as a babysitter and I'll not only let you sleep on the bed tonight, I'll even make one part of your dream come true."
Shawn looked to be thinking it through, "What part of the dream? The pinapples? Whip cream? Or the naked part?"
"I'll let you decide."
"You realize Henry and babysitter don't belong in the same sentence?"
Carlton shrugged, "First time for everything."
"I'll think about it. Now go get naked in bed. I'm cashing in now."
"Eager aren't we?"
"You owe me for the past week."
"Can't argue there. Can you make it to bed? Or need me to carry you?" There was teasing in Carton's voice.
"Where there's a will, there's a Shawn Spencer who won't let an injured knee get in his way."
No beta reader whatsoever. Any mistakes you find are all mine.
