Disclaimer: Any recognizable plot and characters belong to Mizuna Kubawara, the creator of Mirage of Blaze. I am just borrowing her characters for entertainment purposes.
Two
I wish I'd known how to let you go
He was running away again.
This time it was for real. This time it was forever.
He fumbled with the cigar within his thin but sensual lips. By now he had run his fingers through his silky hair so many times, he thought he would grow bald. He smiled acrimously in the darkness of the car. The light of the cigar lit his face every now and then, showing his tough face, and gracing over his tensed muscles. His heart was beating fast and he tried to steady himself but couldn't. Why was he running now that he had everything he wanted the most? He had wanted Kagetora so much and then he decided that he wanted Takaya too because the young man was something different, something more than the other people that Kagetora has taken over. But now that he had done so, that everything was within his grasp, he chickened out. He was running yet again.
The truth was he didn't believe it to be real. He had dreamed of it so many times, wished for it with all his power and will, he even fought for it, craved for it and when it finally happened, he fought desperately to get away from there, not to be there anymore. He was so confused and so much hurt, that his thoughts were starting to run wild within his mind. One however remained the one, which kept repeating itself, the one that said that everything was a lie, perhaps a dream of his own desires.
He tried to pay attention to the road ahead. The public lights glittered in the darkness of his car every now and then. The soft music didn't calm him down. It was a failure from the very beginning. He opened a little bit the window to let out the smoke of the cigar. The cold air might have woken him from the strange world that he was living now. To have within his grasp what he had wanted for almost a lifetime and to finally let it go seemed the only possible solution at the moment, no matter how absurd it seemed to the people outside. He was capable of nothing more and nothing else.
The truth was that he wanted more than anything to go back to the hotel room, to go by the window and embrace Takaya and Kagetora, the two men that now were melting in one. He could have done so from the very beginning, but deep down inside of him he knew that he didn't deserve such a thing. Maybe Kagetora was blaming many things on him, but the truth was that Naoe couldn't forgive himself for Minako. The blame that he was feeling was the worst for him. The horrible words that Kagetora had thrown to him back then were far less painful than what he did to himself.
He took a deep breath. In the beginning, his life has been simple. A loving family, an only boy among some sisters, raised him. Since he was the first-born, he was taught to respect the codes of honor. His family was not a very rich one but it was very important and with old traditions, therefore he was bound to serve a great shogun. He respected his father's opinion and done what he had been asked. He was the perfect son, and like any perfect son, he mastered the sword and the bow, he mastered military strategy, he mastered everything that he was required to know and acquire. He even married the woman that his parents appointed to him. He didn't know much about love anyways. He didn't care about it either. He discovered young enough that he was very attracted of both men and women and yet he had very few encounters with men and many with women. He took everything naturally.
He cared about his wife and his child, he cared about his family, and he cared about his duty as a nobleman and samurai. He cared about lots of other things, but there was no intensity about his feelings. He cared because he had to or because he felt like it. However, there was no passion burning within his eyes, taking over his guts, filling his brain and his heart. Passion was an unknown word for him, a mystery that sometimes made him wonder in the cold nights when he couldn't sleep and stayed like a stone besides his wife, listening her gentle breathing and wondering why he couldn't care more about anything. Sometimes he thought this was the best; he had seen some of his friends fall heavily because of passion. He had nothing against it, and yet he found that he could live his life very well without it.
Therefore, in those cold nights, when everything was peaceful and quiet in his household, when every servant slept, he wondered why that was; why he could live so peacefully without any major nagging feelings. Those questions didn't pester him often either. Most of the times it was simple and easy to ignore them, and he didn't dare discuss them with any other friends or relatives. There were matters of his and that was that.
Until he met him.
The Uesugi family had been a very important family, playing a key role in the military history of Japan along the years so it was no wonder that his family chose to unite their powers with them, although the things haven't gone so smoothly. Within the Uesugi household there were important struggles for power and in spite of the fact that secretly Naoe hadn't agreed with his father, they decided to support the rightful heir of the Uesugi men. He wanted to talk to his father before but then again the decision had to be made right away and therefore unlikely, they had chosen the right man. But his doubts kept staying back in his mind.
Uesugi Kagetora has always been a pain in the ass of the other noblemen and especially in the eyes of his stepbrother who wanted dearly to crush him and nearly succeeded. Naoe sighed. Kagetora-sama had more courage and passion than any of them; he could have clearly seen that in the strategies that he deployed against them. So when he heard that the great Uesugi Kagetora had been caught, Naoe Nobutsuna suddenly felt excited as a strange curiosity crept into his heart, surging from his guts and taking over him. So that night, after taking care of his business, he stopped in the middle of the house thinking a little bit of what to do. He felt that nagging doubt again. He felt the need to meet him, to talk a little bit about something, anything; maybe he could understand the mechanisms of how passion for life worked.
That night would forever stay in his mind and, no matter how much he had fought against it, it has always tainted the experiences between him and Kagetora-sama later on, in the other lives. Naoe wondered why; maybe it was because he had seen him in such a weak position or maybe it was because he saved him; either way, deep down Kagetora hadn't forgiven him for being a witness to that shameful past. Naoe felt somehow that his work resembled the work of Sisyphus. Each life he had to fight against the memories, to make Kagetora trust him again; and each time he did that, won it and lost it with each death. Although he fought against it so much, with all his soul and the passion that he later discovered, he still lost every single time.
But he didn't know that night would become so important for his future lives. That night was a cursed one and yet he had failed to see that until much later. Walking slowly with the demeanor that only such a powerful man like him could have, he entered into a very small room where only a fire was lit. The walls were empty of anything and there were some rags thrown in the corner. But the sight that welcomed him had been sickly stuck in his mind, even after so many hundreds of years of being around. In the middle of the room, next to the lit fire, there were three men whom he knew that they had been appointed to protect the precious prisoner. Their clothes were thrown around and they were almost naked. He gulped and stood there in silence for a moment not knowing what to do next, because as soon as he came in the room, the men looked petrified at him and tried to hide everything that made them guilty. They couldn't. There, amidst them, was the naked and broken body of the young man that he had wanted to meet for some time now.
Lithe muscles enwrapped in a soft skin; everything was long about the man: long legs, long torso. There was such a beauty held by that body that Naoe felt unprepared by the wild attraction that he suddenly felt surge within him.
"Nobutsuna-sama", whispered one of them but Naoe didn't mind the insignificant vermin. His hand was already on the handle of his sword, feeling the terrible need to take it out and put it deep down in the body of each vermin that was there.
He didn't understand the need to do that. He didn't understand why he felt such a terrible anger against them, anger against the men that have ravaged such a beautiful and exquisite body that had crippled such a passionate mind. His eyes were ice, his wrath was fire, and the men in the room felt it, even the prisoner. He raised his mesmerizing eyes towards him, freezing Naoe's blood in his guts.
"Nobutsuna-sama, you shouldn't be here." One of the men dared to point out, making a movement as he tried to pull his clothes back on. Naoe didn't think. He just grabbed his katana and deepened it within the chest of the other man, making him fall dead and cold to the floor without so much as a sound. The other two made their eyes wide with horror; before they could say anything else, a second one fell to the floor. Naoe felt the smell of blood and excrements and he knew by then what had happened within that room. The three men had raped Uesugi Kagetora and therefore they deserved to die. When he looked to the third man, the weakling stumbled to his ass and looked terrified at his master.
"Please, Nobutsuna-sama, it was Uesugi-dono that had ordered such a thing. I am not guilty of anything." Naoe's icy eyes looked back at him with such disgust that the man just knew he signed his death punishment.
"Don't you dare, vermin, blame this abomination on Uesugi-dono!" He hissed and looked down. "Our lord would never dirty his honor with such a horrible order. When you meet Kami, do apologize to him!" Then he swiftly decapitated the man without another question. He was breathing heavily under the gaze of the prisoner. Naoe was confused. So horribly confused. He didn't know why he had done such a thing and yet he had wanted to protect that man on the floor with all his heart and he knew that this was going to be the end of him. He had seen too many people die because of such stupid acts like his. And yet as he mirrored himself in the eyes of the other, he realized that he was right in doing so. He took a cloth to cover the naked body and the man on the floor flinched.
"Are you going to take your reward now?" Kagetora-sama asked in mockery and looked at Naoe as he was about to smash him and take his heart out. Naoe shuddered under the heavy gaze of green incredible eyes, which looked at him with such a force. They showed fierceness, toughness, hurt, and pride, but never despair.
"Please, don't disgrace my honor." Naoe had muttered in a small and soft voice and the prisoner flinched again and screwed shut his eyes really tight, breathing deeply. "I'm sorry." He whispered and the prisoner opened his eyes yet again.
"Don't! You dogs after all must obey my stepbrother. This is all what dogs can do: follow their master faithfully."
"I guess it's true." He replied smirking. These thoughts occurred to him often but Uesugi-dono deserved his loyalty because he was an honorable master. "But I guess it depends on the master too and since your dog betrayed you, what makes that of the master?" Kagetora's eyes shined for a little bit and then darkened even more.
"Interesting. A dog that thinks! And now what, dog?"
"Get dressed! If you make it quickly, we could make it back to your camp before the dawn hits the sky." The astonishment on the prisoner's face couldn't be compared to anything and Naoe felt actually proud of making him feel such a surprise.
"You're letting me go, dog?" Kagetora asked feeling a strange nervousness creeping into him as he looked back into the steel eyes. Usually he could read people, could read their deepest fears or just simple thoughts that crossed their kinds. However his savior was unlike others. That was for sure, however it made him even more dangerous.
"I don't find anything honorable into torturing you and then kill you without giving you the opportunity of meeting me on the battle field.
"But your master won't give you a bone, dog! You might have to be punished. You might die."
"What's death anyways?" Naoe had scoffed and turned around as the prisoner began to dress, without even being asked. He could guess the other man's surprise and Naoe felt a little bit better about himself. "Every man and woman dies on this earth," he continued, "and therefore I am used to the idea that I might die sooner or later. Especially since I am an active soldier."
"You really don't care about death, do you?"
"I honestly believe that there are scarier things in life than me dying." Naoe felt shocked by the ease with which he discarded his own life, yet found this easiness with the prisoner strangely comforting.
"So if I would kill you right now, dog, you won't feel any regret?"
"Really now, I thought that you are an intelligent man! You know that killing me won't solve your problems, oh, great master!" He mocked him again and turned around in time to see the prisoner dressed in a tainted military uniform half ripped and stained with blood. Kagetora's hair was tied in the back, giving him an even younger air than he knew he had. His face was proud to the point of being a complete arrogant and yet he felt how every little thing in his body reacted to the presence of the other man as if he was under an enchantment or something. And that scared the shit of Naoe. That passion that he wanted to feel was creeping into his bones. Why? Why was this man so important all of the sudden? Why did he want to take him away from there? To meet him on the battlefield and perhaps rather dying of his sword with those gorgeous eyes pinning him to the ground as his blood would gush out from the wound inflicted by the mighty sword?
"Come! Let's go!" He said softly again and Kagetora just nodded with his blank face. Naoe wondered briefly how this man would look flushed with passion, in the heat of the battle or in the heat of making love. He knew that Kagetora was gorgeous in those moments. He could understand why people wanted to follow him, wondered what might have happened if he had chosen this Uesugi brother. Naoe shook his head, making the thoughts go away. "Can you walk?'
"Almost. Help me, dog!" Naoe rolled his eyes for the very first time in his life and looked at the prisoner, who stood on the cold floor, forgetting about the ugly scents of death and murder, just pinning the savior with his eyes.
"It's Nobutsuna Naoe, Kagetora-dono!" He whispered as he gently pulled the younger man in his arms and for a moment, he felt the body tensing so much he feared it would break. But Naoe knew better. He just circled Kagetora's waist with one arm, while with the other took him by the arm, making him lean towards him even more. Naoe felt that a shock wave had crossed his body, and that was even more confusing, but just like everything else in his life, he put the thought back into his mind. The younger man seemed puzzled by his attitude but Naoe didn't really care back then. He just wanted to take Kagetora as far away of that cursed place as possible.
There weren't many people that looked at him taking the precious prisoner out of the headquarters. The ones that wanted to stop him were either too weak or didn't dare to stop a warlord as him. They knew better anyways: weaklings didn't have any business in asking questions to a man like him. It was a wonder but no matter how many soldiers they met on the way, nobody dared to stop them. Most of the times they looked at them a little puzzled by the fact that such a warlord like Nobutsuna was accompanying the man that looked such a ragged man. Nonetheless it was easier to get pass the safe lands of the older Uesugi. Naoe couldn't think of anything to tell Kagetora-sama, probably because it was so farfetched in his mind that he didn't dare to do that. He knew that he was in the presence of a great man and yet Naoe was still puzzled by his reactions and by how protective he felt for a stranger and most importantly for an enemy. He sensed the chill of the night taking him by surprise and he tried not to think of anything.
They were riding for more than an hour when something happened. Kagetora stopped the horse and looked at the man who saved him. Again, he felt the need of saying something, which could sound remotely grateful, but unfortunately, that was it. He was raised too arrogantly for him to even envisage something like that. Naoe looked at Kagetora feeling that it was the last time when they could meet again like that, not as enemies.
"Dog, don't get me wrong: I am grateful to a certain extent that you had saved me of that humiliation." Kagetora seemed to spit each word, as if he found all of it very difficult, or just being grateful to such an insignificant man like him was difficult enough. "However if you think that I will take you with me in my camp, you're deathly wrong."
Naoe was astonished. "I have never imagined something like that. I have saved you simply because I think it's disgraceful to act like that upon such an honorable enemy such as yourself." He said quietly not looking at Kagetora but somewhere behind him, in the dark of the forest where he found everything easier to concentrate on.
"You find me an honorable enemy?" He surely sounded surprised and Kagetora looked at him like he was an interesting toy all of the sudden.
"Yes, Kagetora-sama."
"It is very interesting that an enemy of mine considers me far more honorable than normally a man of mine would." Kagetora looked at him thoughtful. "These are strange times and not good for people like you and me. Maybe we will meet in another life and you will care to explain to me a little more about why you saved me and asked nothing in return."
"It's the passion." Naoe blurted before he could stop himself and he found that he was a little silly taking into consideration that he was older than the man in front of him and presumably a little more composed.
"Passion?" Kagetora repeated this time more than a little surprised by what he said. "What do you mean by that?"
"I don't know and this is not the time to ask such questions." He took his words back afraid that he might say something more than he would have liked to such an arrogant man.
"I see. Well, then, Nobutsuna-san, thank you for your deed but when we will meet again, we will be enemies." Kagetora said still surprised but Naoe smiled a crooked smile because he found very amusing the fact that all of the sudden they seemed so much closer than the usual.
"I will expect nothing less from you, Kagetora-sama." Naoe said quietly behind that smile again, hiding an aching longing already. He didn't want to tell the man in front of him that he considered that he might not make it to that battle. Unfortunately, the man in front of him seemed to be able to read the thoughts and he looked at him with mysterious eyes.
"You might be punished for what you did tonight." He said wincing and he looked at Naoe, who smiled again.
"It's the duty of a dog to be punished, is it not?" Naoe smirked again and this time he turned his horse, looking again composed and calm, a proud leader of one of the armies of Uesugi household. "But even if I am punished, it was a pleasure and an honor to meet you, Kagetora-dono, even in these horrible circumstances."
"What you saw tonight-"
"-has never happened." Naoe said this time in a very determined voice and Kagetora finally dared to look puzzled and let his armor fall from his face even if it was just for a brief moment. In the light of the moon, his eyes shown and his hair made him look like a demon of the night. Naoe would have let him take his life right then, but it wasn't supposed to happen. "Goodbye, Kagetora-sama!"
"Goodbye…Nobutsuna-sama." The young man told him in a soft voice with as much kindness as he could muster. Naoe smiled again and then rid in the opposite direction, feeling how something was slowly collapsing within his soul. Being in the presence of that man, Naoe felt more complete than he had ever felt in his boring and utterly empty life.
The ride back was much quicker and it ended all too soon. By then it was heard that he was the one to let Kagetora Uesugi escape, even helped and therefore he was arrested and sent almost right away to Uesugi-sama. Naoe has faced his lord and master with an incredible amount of calm, explaining what the underlings have said and how this might have affected his lord's reputation. On top of it all, Naoe claimed that nobody would have respected his lord if he had taken his victory from his brother like that. Uesugi-sama was convinced by the end of the conversation that Naoe had done nothing more than think for the greater good and although he didn't like what has happened, he let Naoe go.
In the months to come, Naoe had lived with the memory of that man day after day after day. Every time he looked for something else to think about, the thoughts of Kagetora had made him feel strangely possessed with that man's presence. He wished sometimes he could just cross those distances that separated them and just talk some more with that passionate man. He wondered if Kagetora at least checked what had happened with him. He wanted to feel important for the man although it was highly unlikely for such an arrogant bastard to feel something for someone like him. Nonetheless, he still hoped a foolish hope.
But time passed and the battles grew more terrible and fiercer and Naoe started to hate what the life on the front did to him. So when the final battle came, he felt a little bit relieved. They were winning; they were actually winning and that made him happy, that made him confident and in the end, this is what made him be there that day. It was there where he died, surrounded by four soldiers each attacking in turns, to make him fall. And he has fallen and the last thing that crossed his mind had been those green impetuous eyes that lit a final spark within him before everything went black.
When he woke up again, it was Kagetora's memory that lived more than anything else in his heart and mind, and when he finally saw the man again, he had offered his undying loyalty to him. It was nice how Kagetora was treating him in a gentler manner, making small gestures of affection. The friendship between the two of them deepened to the point where it became blurry around the edges. But Naoe was fine with that. He didn't mind how the others were starting to loom at them, sometimes making bad jokes, like Haruie or just pretended that they didn't exist. For him it was nice to be so trusted by his lord and master.
It was during one of these lives when he finally discovered what the strange feeling that took over his guts was when he could see Kagetora. However, he never expected everything to happen so quickly. Back then, they were sharing the same house. They were always lucky to be reincarnated into a rich family and therefore they had independence in their endeavors, something that Kagetora loved the most. Naoe however didn't like very wide space when it came to his space living so he chose an apartment when the time had come to move away.
It was in that small apartment that he shared his first kiss with Kagetora Uesugi in a moonless night. At the time, they were following a clan that wanted to regain back their control over some of the most important antiques that could have helped them in gaining a lot of strength in the spirits world. They had stopped them that night, but they were feeling pretty exhausted and so Kagetora chose to spend his night at Naoe's house. The older man didn't mind that. Much. It was hard enough for him to be next to Kagetora and not being able to do anything about it. It was hard to feel his scent around him, as if it was trying to call him. It was hard to feel his long fingers ruffling his hair or grabbing his shoulder. It was even harder when they would occasionally hug, taking comfort into each other's presence.
But the worst part had always been when Kagetora would look at him with the most earnest look, demanding access into his very soul. And Naoe always felt incredibly tempted to give that access, had he not been afraid of what this might mean. Losing his friendship was the worst thing that could happen and Naoe, thriving on the man's passion for so long couldn't do anything else than control his own feelings and bury them deeper and deeper within him. Until that night anyways.
Kagetora was exhausted, he had done the most of the magic spells and used much of his powers so it was no wonder that when arriving home, he had to make the man sleep so he took him in the guest room and slowly let him down on the bed. Beautiful. That man has always been beautiful and that had been the end of Naoe's resolution. He took the shoes off and then the coat and then arranged the man in a better position. Those soft lips however were calling him and he thought of a thousand reasons why he shouldn't do it and only one on why he should. And that single reason had been enough to shatter all his resolution build within life times of years and hours spent with the man that was now sleeping softly on the bed.
He slowly let his head fall closer and closer until he was only a breath away. He stopped, taking his time, inhaling the scent of the other man, feeling the soft texture of the lips even before actually tasting it. Therefore, he was surprised when all of the sudden Kagetora had closed the distance between the two of them in a passionate kiss. His eyes got wide because of the shock but then his brain short-circuited and kissed back the young man, nipping at his lips with teeth, sucking each breath until there was nothing left secret from his lips. And then he started to kiss the other parts of the face, marking them, making them his own, kissing them softly and generally trying to ignore the moans of pleasure that Kagetora was responding with. Then when the young man had let him sleep next to him, as a definite sign of trust, and waking up in the morning with a kind kiss from Kagetora, well, Naoe felt he could live like that forever.
Naoe sighed and stopped the car in an empty parking lot facing the dark sea. He slowly let his head on the steering wheel and closed his glistening eyes. Yes, that had been the life he had dreamed about, before and after it. They had made love afterwards, and they had been happy and died old and that had been more than he could have asked for. Then the next life came. Naoe inhaled quivering. Why did Kagetora have to meet Minako? He felt so betrayed because Kagetora wasn't trying only to forget about Naoe, but about their whole world as well, making him feel insignificant and empty and vaguely constantly in pain. So much pain that when he had to do what he had done, he felt numb and small.
But if he thought that they were hell, he didn't think right because it couldn't be compared with the life that came afterwards, when Kagetora had sealed his memories. Why? Why? Naoe hit the steering wheel.
Always cast aside and yet drown so close. Now what he was going to do? He couldn't go back there, couldn't face Kagetora or Takaya or both of them for that matter. There have been five years since they have met in this life and they have already missed so much time together. Five years. He raised his head and a small tear fell, because in the end these five years seemed like five lives to him. He had wanted that man so much, loved him the first time he ever saw him, but now it was all too late.
He was wasting time again.
However, this time he couldn't stop.
This time Kagetora had to come after him.
But Kagetora Uesugi was never going to step on his pride. Naoe had to tell himself the truth.
This had to end.
But something told him that it had already ended.
