Welcome to part two! To begin your tour of brain-exploding allow me to direct your attention to the title which says "Monteis sur Monteis, Five Years Later."
I think this deserves a few WTF's. Like... I know Hugo originally called it "M sur M," but I also know it's just not that hard to figure out that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MONTEIS SUR MONTEIS. Google it. All you'll get is references to this movie. Moreover, I know that the book was published with the "M--" and "D--" shit filled in before the 1970's, so they literally have no excuse for this.

John Gay. I'm looking at you. And that look? Is an Enjolraic Death Glare.

But let's move on.

A Carnival in the Jolly Old Town of Monteis sur Monteis. The new police inspector is being shown around the town, and some guy tells him that it's Fair Day, when all the brigands and pickpockets run free in the streets! Javert says that the law doesn't allow for Special Days, which I think is rather amusing. Oh, Shnookums, is a certain mayor gonna have to throw you a birfday party?

A bear dances, a guy blows fire, and a lady in purple goes begging. Hey, keep an eye on her! Javert's sidekick points man with an impressive mustache sits on a little platform, overlooking the festivities with a hilariously in-charge facial expression, and identifies him as "the mayor." The camera zooms in all dramatically on the face of said mayor—why, I do believe it's Jean Valjean, that guy from the prisons! Javert's gonna be so excited!

The Mayoral Office of Importance and Tight White Pants. Very Tight. Very White. Pants. The mayor is wearing tight—very tight—white—very white—pants, and he seems a bit flustered to recognise his old friend from Toulon. Also? Wow, he's the crappiest bluffer ever. I think he's, like, shedding a tear or something. Javert asks him when he'll be free to "inspect his men," whatever that's supposed to mean, and Valjean tries to tell him he can't tomorrow, he'll be washing his hair (which is so bushy that I wouldn't be surprised if that were true), but Javert is really pester-y and annoys him into promising to come.

The Road. Javert asks some guy about the mayor, who has lived there five years and only lives with his housekeeper Sister Simplice who never tells a lie, and he found a cool new way to make beads yay. Apparently the way he makes beads has something to do with Toulon, or whatever. Whatever, Javert, I don't care too much at this point. Nothing that goes on in Monteis sur Monteis matters to me.

Like... "Monteis" doesn't really even look French. How would you pronounce that? "Mon-teese?" Not French. "Mon-tie?" That's kinda German. Damn you, John Gay! You have vexed me. I'm vexed. Terribly vexed. Lucilla.

Again, moving on. Deep breaths.

Police Station. Some guy drags in a creepy chick wearing a neat Gollum costume, and says she… hit… a gentleman… Oh Good Lord, that's Fantine. Good Lord. Who told these filmmakers Fantine was a creepy red-haired wraith? Huh? When I meet Victor Hugo in the afterlife, I'm telling on John Gay. He is in SO much trouble. Ugh. Whatever. Valjean comes in and saves the day even though Fantine insults him yadda blahdeblah Javert's eyebrows disapprove.

When Valjean talks, only his mouth moves, like an anime. It's weird. And also bad acting. Maybe he got botox injected into his forehead right before the shoot? Wait, was there botox in 1978?

Valjean gives Gollum some money and she leaves.

She leaves?

Huh.

A Runaway Cart. A man is being squooshed. The mayor comes up and gets him out while Javert looks on. Oh, and Madeleine's face while he's lifting the cart? Looks like he's straining on the toilet. And you can tell Javert's getting totally turned on by it. The two exchange an awkward glance. Madeleine then instructs some lackeys to take the man, Fauchelevant (yay!), to his carriage, which clearly makes Javert very jealous.

Paris. Javert denounces Madeleine to a guy with a funny mustache. Then again, this movie came out in the late seventies; lots of people had funny mustaches then.

Monteis sur WTF. Fantine is failing at begging, so she goes to hang with Madeleine. Madeleine, meanwhile, is making tea. Jolly good! Anyway, Fantine comes in and faints and stuff, and o woe the life of a critter unfairly forced into prost— WAIT. How did she pronounce Thénardier? Did I hear a "thin" at the beginning of that? Are you kidding me? Are these people retarded?

John Gay, I'm coming for you. You better frikkin lock your doors at night.

Room. Fantine is sick and stuff.

'Nother Room. Javert is sorry he said all those mean things about Madeleine, and would like to be… punished.

And if you feel… like I feel, baby…

Oh, slashiness.

If you're a Valjean/Javert shipper? I recommend this particular LM adaptation.

If you're an accuracy shipper? 1957 for you.

Courtroom. Madeleine wears a splendid hat. Champmathieu is called "LeBec," and he's a wheelwright. His father was a wheelwright, and YOU CAN'T LET BABIES STARVE! Madeleine does the look-at-me-you-three-I-can-tell-you-the-deep-dark-secrets-of-your-tattoos shtick, and makes a speech about how you shouldn't pity him. It's a Book-ish scene, and I give it a thumbs-up. Other than that whole… LeBec… thing…

Room. Gollum is asking to see Cosette and snuffling a lot like a hyperactive cocker spaniel puppy. Then! Javert comes in. This scene is up on youtube (not on my account, though), and I recommend you watch it just for the lulz. Javert says every line in this really amazing sing-song that's actually worse than that one Charles Laughton scene where he's talking to Marius and… you know. Anyway, Gollum dies in a crescendo of hilarity, and I giggle. Actually awesome moment, though? Just after Gollum dies, Valjean wrenches Javert's hand off of his wrist, and Javert gets this really great look on his face, like, "Too… awesome… to… show… pain!" Anyway, Valjean promises Gollum's corpse that he'll take care of her child, and then goes with Javert. They sit in a carriage together. Awkwardly. If you look really closesly at Javert's face you can tell he's trying to get up the nerve to say something to his long-lost (and now refound!) "prisoner." But he takes too long, and as the cart is crossing a bridge, Valjean suddenly RUNS AWAY! And does a swan-dive off the bridge! And escapes! Into water! Again! Oh noes!

Javert's heart, it is broken for the second time!

Monteis sur WTF. Madeleine (which is being pronounced Mad-eh-lean) arrives back at the Mayor House and refuses to tell Simplice where he's going so she won't tell them where he's going and no one will ever know where he's going. And then… the house is surrounded by cops! Valjean hides, and Simplice OMG LIES and says he's not there.

...Would you believe that I think this is practically the saddest part of the whole Book? I mean, really! Valjean comes out (of the closet, no lie), and she goes, "I've lied!" and it's the saddest thing I've ever seen in any of these movies! (And… I've seen TEN LM movies. TEN.)

Thin-are-dee-eh Inn. They send a baby Cosette with a Sue voice out to get some water, which saddens her. Valjean enters.

NO WELL SCENE? GOOD GOD!

Oh, John Gay. I looked him up in imdb, and I think he's still alive. He was still writing as recently as 1999, too... He was born in California. Wonder how many John Gays are in the Whittier, CA phonebook...? Course, he's 84 years old now...

...which means I could take him.

Loony's mental rant is interrupted when, while Valjean asks Madame to take Cosette away, Bilbo comes in.

Bilbo?

Bilbo!

Anyway, it turns out Bilbo is Thin-are-dee-eh, and he demands some money from Valjean in return for the child. You know how it goes. As he's leaving, Valjean says, "And we will NEVER meet again," which I think is his way of terrifying everyone who's read the Book. You won't? Really? Not even in Paris 1832? Are you sure? But… but… Oh well. Bilbo curses himself for not asking for even more money while Valjean gives Cosette a doll.

Paris. Javert exposits to that funny mustache man that he WILL find Valjean, and that's why HE IS NOW IN PARIS.

A Street. Valjean is also in Paris. He teaches little Cosette not to open the door and how to read. Ugh her voice is so squeaky. I want to punch her in the face.

Is that a negative way to feel about a child?

In Front of a Map. Javert tells a guy to go look for Valjean in a place.

A Place. Cops tell Maybe Ma'am Bougon to keep an eye out for Valjean, so Valjean grabs Cosette and they GTFO. Bougon stops him on the way out to ask where he's off to, and Valjean does a crappy job of lying again. I think he's quite possibly the worst convict ever. But he was also the worst thief ever, so at least he's consistent. Then Maybe Ma'am Bougon goes running to the police, and they take off in pursuit! Hurray, a chase scene! Good stuff.

Except… Valjean is just sort of strolling along… until a carriage pulls up and Javert gets out. That means things are getting srs bsns. Valjean throws Cosette over his shoulder and… jogs along. The kid looks totally clueless. Is there a good movie Young Cosette somewhere? Anywhere?

Valjean comes to a wall. He climbs up and hoists Cosette after via rope.

Okay, Cosette has bangs. Who took the time to trim her out bangs? Huh? How did that kid get such orderly hair? And why is her face so pudgy? I disapprove.

Anyway, longest climbing-of-the-wall scene ever.

The cops finally arrive, and Javert says 24601 couldn't have climbed the wall because he had Cosette, you stupid underlings! Meanwhile, Valjean is climbing back down the other side of the wall. He grabs Cosette under one arm and the rope under the other, and the three of them hide out in a woodshed.

Back in the alley, Javert is pouting very much.

Behind the wall, at night, Valjean hears a guy chopping wood and runs up to ask him for help… happily, said guy is Fauchelevant, which is quite possibly the only name they've pronounced correctly thus far. Fauchelevant says Book-ish things about Valjean falling out of the sky and he's a man so he would never have been allowed in. They decide to tell the Mother than Valjean is his brother, and the two of them will play house.

Hey! Hey, remember that awesome awesomeness scene in the Book? Where Valjean was being carried around in a coffin? And Fauchelevant stole that thing from that guy and then he thought Valjean was dead? If Simplice's lie is the saddest part of the Book, then I nominate the great graveyard escape for awesomest.

Oh. And if you're wondering? No. No, the graveyard escape is not in this film.

Talking To The Mother. She asks Valjean a bunch of questions, and Fauchelevant answers for him on every count, which is exciting to me (although plenty of movies have used this scene). She even says, "He answers well," which made Loony squee (once again... not so rare that movies include this scene, but at this point I'm squeeing over everything.). The nuns take Cosette away, but the little girl has no facial expression whatsoever, so the scene where she parts from Valjean is completely useless. Ugh, stupid kid! But Valjean sheds a tear.

Speaking of tears, here's Javert! He's speaking to that mustache guy again, and Mustache tells him to go to Le Biuse or something, and Javert argues because he doesn't want to stop looking for his beloved Valjean! Mustache tells him to STFU, and Javert turns to leave, but stops to make a Sacred Promise that he will spend the rest of his life looking for Valjean. Then he dramatically walks off into the sunset.

Aaaave Mariiiiiiaaaa!

Right? From the '35 film?

Anyway, that was my idea. But I guess not.

Tune in next time for the long-awaited arrival of the GEICO caveman! And the creepiest Gavroche there IS. And, you know, Javert falling down and other such stuff. Get pumped.