Attack on Hange: Smartest and the Strongest (B&TB Twist)

By: EileeRu

A/N: Hope you guys liked the first Chapter. There's more so hang in there and stay tuned! Comment too, if you liked the lyrics as well. I worked hard on those parody songs. Also, if you guys were/are wondering who the by (author) is, EileeRu, that's my username for AO3. [See End Notes]

Disclaimer: I don't own AoT/SnK. I own my OMC namely Ashley.

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Chapter Two

:Titans Has Screwed Us Over:

Hange storms through the district's village as if she was on an important mission, curiosity and determination plastered on her face. She wondered what her assistant Moblit was up to and why he wasn't at her side, taking notes. Oh! She thinks, her eyes glancing up towards the clouds above, maybe he's on duty, secretly analyzing Levi like they talked about a while back.

Hange hummed, her forefinger caress the edge of the book's page corner with ease as she flipped to the next page. Intrigued by her readings, Moblit sat across from her, a bundle of papers strewn across his desk, as he observed her many different expressions forming on her face.

"What's in that book that's got you so pleased?" Moblit asked, his eyes strayed to the book in her hands. Hange stopped humming and a chortle burst from her lips.

"Oh, such fascinations you could ever imagine!" Hange grinned, and looked up at him. Her eyes shined with glee at her findings and she went into hypothetical theory mode. She summarized the series of texts she had read so far and diluted her prediction of what will be at the end of the book that she held. "Not many diaries survived this catastrophe, Moblit!"

"That is something, Squad Leader." Moblit straightened his seating position and turned to yawn. "Though, what you're reading is a book of emotions. You know the townspeople aren't going to listen to reason."

"But it's all in this book!" Hange stood up abruptly, knocked back her chair where it crashed to the floor with a loud thud. She grinned manically, "This book is only the third volumn; there has to be more! There could be more!"

"Sometimes I wonder…" The older gentleman began.

"That's our job, Moblit Berner." Hange walked around the bend of her desk and strode to her assistant without any qualms set in her mind. "To wonder, to discover, to boldly go where no man or woman has gone before! Maybe even beyond the walls; further from the Titan's forest… Oh! I know, we can do an expedition to track down the author of these writings!"

Her assistant's eyes widen at her speculation. Her announcement had hit home and he couldn't hold in his terror at the thought of the two of them venturing beyond the wall, past the forest to who knows where or what without a plan of action. "What? No! We can't!"

"And why not?" Hange asked, quirking a brow at him. "Don't be such a pansy, Moblit! All we need to do is get approval from Erwin and everything will work itself out."

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"I'm sorry Zoe, but you're needed here." Erwin spoke, a tone of finality piercing Hange. Hange slumped forward, a pout on her face as she tried, at least, tried to give the Commander the doggy eyes. "We can't afford to lose you, our regime's smartest soldier, to a dangerous journey that will hypothetically resolve your predictions, no less prove if the author is out there or not. Which I'm sure the anonymous author is not."

Once outside the door to Erwin's office, Hange walked furiously towards the Survey Corps' basement, where her assistant was doing rounds on duty. "Moblit! Moblit!"

Hearing his name being called frantically by his squad leader, Moblit appeared in sight only to be grabbed and thrown into an empty interrogative room. "I need you!"

Moblit backed into a wall, staring wide eyed at his leader. "Is this about the sponsorship?"

Hange's glasses flashed from the light above them. "Erwin isn't convinced about our plan to venture out."

"Actually…it's more like your plan."

"You've been in longer; maybe you can tweak his mind into letting us go?"

"I won't do no such thing. Look, Squad Leader, what exactly did our Commander say?"

"That I'm needed here and no hypothetical journey is going to take my life, blah, blah, blah, blah!" Hange rolled her eyes, but grinned at him with a spark in her eye. She crept forward, and pinned her assistant to the wall. Then whispered, "Oh, but Moblit…he only meant me. He never said you couldn't go."

Seeing what she meant by her needing him, Moblit let out a disbelief shout, "Wait, by myself? You must be out of your mind!"

"You are one correct son of a hound if you think she isn't insane." A new voice bounced off the enclosed room's walls.

Turning both their heads to the said voice outside the room's glass wall, Levi stood, eyes narrowed suspiciously, especially at Hange. "Erwin told me. If you're still hounding for an excuse to go, the answer is still no."

Hange straightened up, and backed away from her assistant. She raised her hands in a surrender pose as Moblit settled in a respectable, salute posture. "Corporal Levi, sir!"

Levi nodded and Moblit relaxed. Hange strolled towards the short man, humming happily that the next man she loves to tease was there. "Hey short stuff!"

"As if you can talk, you filthy dog." Levi scrunched his nose at the stench of Hange's unwashed body came closer. "Ugh, when was the last time you took a bath, four eyes?!"

Hange rolled her eyes to the ceiling, her fingers ticking off the days that she hadn't bathed. "Are you counting?!" Levi declared, shooting a disgusted look her way.

"She's been busy, sir." Moblit joined in, his nose unwrinkled. "Her scent has permeated my surroundings that it's almost as if I can no longer smell her anymore."

Levi glanced at Moblit with pity and suddenly held up a bottle of cleaning spray. "I can help you with that. Here, sniff this and be cleanse of this," his eyes shot back at Hange and gave her a look-over, "putrid smelling ogre."

"Your nicknames have no tarnish to my name." Hange let out a small giggle, "It's kind of…cute, per say."

"Oh god."

"To think you're beginning not to have an effect on her…" Moblit said aloud, before shutting his mouth promptly at his mistake and changed the subject, "Uh! You know, I must get back to my rounds. Until later, Squad Leader Hange. Good day…sir."

Moblit scurried out the room, leaving his two fellow leaders to battle out their remote feelings for each other. Hange, with her mind in the clouds, didn't notice her assistant's disappearance, whereas Levi on the other hand, stood a few feet away from the girl with the spray bottle extended and pointing at Hange. "Oh, don't worry, that's all going to change." He mumbled in response to Moblit's earlier statement. Annoyed at her unfocused attention, Levi triggered the cleaning bottle.

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Hange stared at the tiled roofing one after the other as Levi dragged her to the bathhouse around the bend of the courtyard. Hange wondered what other ways she could get her expedition to be sponsored. And by who? Who would go up against Erwin? Who, out of the whole regime, is just as convincingly influential aside from Erwin?

Hange gasped as the answer sparked in her mind. Levi stopped abruptly at the entrance to the bathhouse, the walls displaying the gender doors and threw Hange to the ground. The young woman giggled from the floor, looking up through her eye lashes at the short leader before her.

Not liking the way she was looking at him, or what was going on in her mind, for that matter, Levi glared at the dusty scientist and gritted out:

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Levi: Okay, can I just be real here?

Hanji: I love real!

Levi: All my life has been a series of rules in my book

And then suddenly you bumped into me

((Seriously, take a bath, ugh! What did—what happened? A cat died on you? Please tell me you didn't!))

Hanji: Pretty sure it's the other way 'round! But like, I've been searching ways to end this Titan crusade

If only I could convince Erwin to raise my campaign

Levi yanked the women's entrance door open and marched through with the scientist pegging behind. Hoping to get on Levi's side, Hange followed closely behind the young man until they reached the tub.

Levi: But with you…

Hanji: But with you…

Levi: Humanity's Smartest…

Hanji: Humanity's Strongest…

Both: And it's nothing like I've ever known before!

Titans has screwed us over!

Titans has screwed us over!

Titans has screwed us over!

Levi turned the HOT tab and water started gushing into the tub, filling it up. Hange stood a little away from the cleaning station as Levi did all the work to prepare the bath for her.

Levi: Like you!

Hanji: Like who?

Levi: Like you!

Hanji: Not me!

Both: Titans has screwed us over!

Hesitantly, Hange stripped and went in. Clenching her teeth at the heated water, Hange felt her goggles being taken off her head and as she turned her head, she saw Levi set the object on the side. Feeling playful, Hange reached out and flicked her finger against the waves of the water, splashing water at Levi's face.

Levi glared at Hange.

((Levi: Stop it. Behave.))

Hanji: I have an idea!

Levi: what?

Hanji: If I were to have one of these—

Levi: No

Hanji: Just let me finish!

Levi: The answer is still no.

Hange huffed, and rolled her eyes. Clearly, her playfulness wasn't getting to Levi's good side. How could she be in Levi's favor? Oh! Perhaps, if she were to agree with him; maybe then he would reconsider.

Both: For the love of humanity!

Hanji: Jinx!

Levi: No, Hanji.

Both: Our mental synchronization

Can have but one explanation

Hanji: You-

Levi: And I-

Hanji: Were-

Levi: Just-

Both: Meant to live!

Levi: Say hello…

Hanji: Say hello…

Both: To the pain of the past

We will have to relive it once more!

Titans has screwed us over!

Titans has screwed us over!

Life can be so much more!

Levi growled at Hange's lax scrubbing and grabbed the cloth instead and did his bidding. Hange moped in the now lukewarm water as Levi doused her in soap and suds and scrubbed, scrubbed and scrubbed away the grease and grime that made her days and mostly nights of researching worth it.

Levi: With bleach!

Hanji: No baths!

Levi: No, Hanji!

Hanji: No Titans!

Both: Titans has screwed us over…

Hange got up as Levi turned away, his hand already extended with a towel in his grasp. Taking the cloth, Hange begun toweling herself off.

Hanji: Can I say something crazy?

Levi: You are crazy.

Hanji: Will you sponsor me?

Levi: For the last time: No.

((Hanji: But Levi, this is for HUMANITYYYY!))

"Ah! Get your wet body off of me!" Levi's voice echoed off the walls as well as past the courtyard.

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As the young, energetic now moping scientist ambled toward the lab where she was called upon by her other team of scientists, a hand landed on her shoulder and she couldn't help but let out a shout in discomfort.

"Wow, Corporal Levi really did a number on you." Moblit observed Hange, giving her a once over, retracting his startled hand back to his side. "Though, he's only doing what you should have been doing."

"And that is?"

"Taking care of your hygiene, as well as your health."

"Levi can go suck it!" Hange sulked, stomping her foot. "The least he could do was hear me out. I took a stupid bath because of him—not that I needed it. I didn't even feel dirty!"

Moblit wasn't surprised at his leader's chatter. Most of the soldiers in the regime could see how compatible the duo was, no matter how complete opposites they were. Moblit blinked and felt slightly bad for leaving Hange in the hands of the strongest…scrubber… in the corps.

"Well…" Moblit began, thinking of ways to boost her esteem. He could pull a few strings; after all, he had been in longer and he knew the ropes of strategizing and fighting towards a goal. Maybe Erwin would—could see that if it came from him and not from the scientist.

"It feels like everyone has something against me, though, I'm not so sure why…?"

Moblit opened his mouth to count the number of times Hange would carelessly throw her flaws about the village, even if to her it seemed like another opportunity to better herself, despite the many complaints the villagers have against her.

"Sure, there was that one time…with the cat incident," Hange noted as Moblit dutifully nodded at the sad aspect of the poor, poor traumatized cat which was cease to be mentioned. "And when I blackmailed Mike to do my bidding because I…suspected…Erwin to be an accomplice with the Titans. I mean, come on, what does he do in that office all day? Or, the time when we went outside the walls, where was he?"

"He was behind you like the rest of us were!" Moblit pointed out, "Remember? You were so excited to catch a Titan, you rushed out the gates like the Titans were giving you free cookies! The only one with a right mind, who was willing to catch up to you was Corporal Levi."

"Oh. Well, no matter." Hange waved her hand, brushing off the topic. The two were lost in thought as they neared the corridor of the lab, until Moblit paused in step at the next words that came out of Hange's mouth.

"Moblit, be a sweetie and do me a favor?"

"Is this about the sponsorship, because I was—"

"Sort of." Hange grinned mischievously. "I have an alternative plan to get Erwin to change his mind."

Moblit, uncertain, waited patiently beside his Squad Leader and quirked a brow as she began telling her plan of action.

"You're basically asking me to get on Corporal Levi's nerves so that he would beg you to stop and in return you would ask him a favor he cannot refuse." Moblit stared at the crazy-eyed girl, with a half amused and half disbelief, faulty smile on his face. "Yeah, I don't think that is going to turn out well."

"When does anything in this dump hole turn out well?" Hange raised her hands above her hair, slightly flinching from the ache in her shoulders. "Just…please, Moblit. Do it for me! Do it for humanity! When all else fails, try, try again, isn't that our motto? I don't care how long it will take, actually I do, but—"

Moblit sighed, shaking his head at her spruced up speech and then blurted out, "Fine! But smoke's going down if Corporal Levi has my head."

"He won't!" Hange leaped up in victory, forgetting her aching muscles for the time being, "Besides, he'll know it's from me, so no fear!"

"Fear is exactly what I'm talking about." Moblit mumbled to himself before stopping at their respectable destination. Opening the door, Hange skipped through with Moblit following not too far behind. He sighed again as the door swung close behind him. And muttered, "Things are gonna get real from here on out."

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The young, brown haired scientist grins at the memory as she strolls into the compound of the Survey Corps. Climbing the steps to the courtyard, Hange makes her way to the lab corridor where in hopes, she meets Moblit. But as she enters the lab, she doesn't see the older assistant.

Befuddled at where he may be or have gone, Hange does a thorough check at all the places he could be hiding, including the inside the waste bins outside the kitchen, the bathhouse, the dungeon, the interrogative section of the compound, the Church, and many other crooks and crannies. She even bet if Levi saw how determined and focused she was right then, he would be proud of her mad skills.

And that is when the thought struck and she stood in place for a mere two minutes before her mind clicked into motion again. "That's it! Why didn't I think about this before? Levi has caught Moblit in many unmentioned places that he could probably help me find him!"

Running back to the main HQ, Hange calls out for Levi as big and as loud as she can. Unfazed by the weird looks directed at her everywhere she goes, Hange runs towards Erwin's domain and bursts through his quarters without a second notice nor courtesy to knock. "ERWIN!"

There, where Hange first left him, sat Erwin, scribbling away on paper. He doesn't look up but replies, nonetheless, "Yes, Hange?"

"HAVE YOU SEEN LEVI?"

Erwin remains undisturbed and with his other hand, points at the door. Hange whips her head at the open doorway, then to the door that slammed against the wall, or what was supposed to be the wall, instead was a short man smooshed against the wall. Walking towards the undamaged construction, Hange takes aside the door and peers down at the dark aura that clouded a very, upset short man.

"Oh, hey, Levi! What are you doing hiding behind the door?" Hange manages a grin. "You must be careful; you'll never know who will barge in without knocking and before you know it—BAM, you're pancaked to the wall…oh, your forehead is turning purple!"

Hange, being the absentminded person in the room, laced her arm around Levi, pulling him away from the wall and to the center of the room. "Are you okay, Levi? Are you hurt? Maybe you need to see a doctor? Are you sick? Maybe you caught something? If so, let me know so I can examine you from head to toe…you never know what could have been the cause. But no worries—"

A short chortle was heard behind them.

"ERWIIIIN!" Red-faced, Levi let out a furious growl before walking up to Erwin's desk and slamming his hands on the surface, "Do something about this stupid four-eyed, mongrel! Send her away; far away from me. Past the forest if you have to; just make sure she's nowhere near me!"

At this, Hange batted her eyes at the suggestion and couldn't believe her ears. Levi has lost his wits and is doing everything in his power to send her away on the expedition she's been so longing for! "Oh, that was quicker than I expected it would take."

"Now, Levi," Erwin said, finally putting down his quill. "Hange may be a little…special, but you have to bear with it."

"By that, he means I'm a genius." Hange winks down at Levi. Levi rolls his eyes at her oblivious state.

"And sure, she has her flaws, but what child doesn't?"

"By child, he means…" Hange grins then pauses, "Wait, what?" Levi smirks at dumbness.

"By child, he means your immaturity." Levi answers in a haughty manner.

"Anyway, my point is, Hange's mind is still growing. And with her within these walls will keep her and everyone in this village safe. God knows what will be of her if she goes past the forest. Do you understand where I'm getting at?"

"I do." Levi said, but directs a thumb at Hange, "Though, I don't think four-eyes did."

There, standing in the middle of the room, was a broken Hange whose mind reeled Erwin's words like an unending pinwheel. If you looked with a keen precision, you could almost see Hange's soul draining from her lips. His decision is still a final no, Hange thinks as her inner sulks in a corner of her mind.

"Hange?" Erwin calls out, worry etched in his tone. "Crap. …Levi?"

"Oh, no." Levi shakes his head, "There's no way I'm taking care of this inhumane bot. Do you see my face?"

Erwin quirks a brow at Levi's disheveled hair, his collar uneven and his cravat undone. He then evaluates Levi's face and sees a bruise forming on his temple. In a way, Levi doesn't look all that bad compared to the many, other times Hange has put him through Hell. "Point taken. However, I need you to take her to the clinic. We can't have a broken Hange, now can we?"

Levi stood there, unmoved by his words. Though, what Erwin said was slightly on par to saving Humanity. Without Hange's disgusting and witty reputation, body and mind, they couldn't have gone this far. Exhaling a fiery huff, Levi turns on his heels and grabs Hange's wrist before stomping out of the office, and slamming the door with a shake to its hinges.

Erwin lets out an exhausted groan, "Children, sometimes."

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TBC

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[End Notes]

Did you have a good laugh? Let me know by giving feedback in the review box below! Also, I know the parody song is from Frozen, but I felt it went well with Hange's flashback. Besides, the song Evermore wasn't in the original Disney movie, that I can recall... Though, more B&TB songs will be in further chapters. Until next time, stay tuned! =^u^=