Disclaimer: The world and characters of Firefly/Serenity belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just playing with them and promise not to traumatize them too much.

Author's Note: Ok, I know I said this was a one shot, but people seemed to like it and I was going through the list I had made for ideas and couldn't resist using another one, soo hopefully people will like this chapter too.


After the success of Toss the Food Packet, Wash was even more keen to get Simon involved in his games. He felt it was good for Simon to let loose and he was sure that Simon possessed a well-repressed mischievous side. Wash felt it was his duty to bring that side out, and if he could annoy Jayne in the process, even better.

They'd finally landed on Paquin. River was having a good day, so Wash dragged Simon into town to help him pick out supplies.

"It's gonna be another long trip." Wash commented as he and Simon sorted through protein packs, looking for the most edible flavours.

"Oh?" Simon tossed a few into the box they'd grabbed when they entered the store.

"Yeah. Athens is all the way over the other side now, it's more than a week to get there."

"Mal's not going to Whitefall, again, is he? I don't think I have enough bandages and I didn't like the look of this town's medical supply store."

Wash laughed. "No, we're going to meet with one of our regular guys. Never had a problem with him."

When they had enough food, they picked up a few other things they needed and started back to the ship. As they went, they passed a local man putting up posters for a lost pet. Wash didn't think much of it until later that night when he was grabbing a snack and Simon brought it up.

"Yeah," he said when Simon asked if he remembered it. "Why?"

"Well...I was just thinking, Jayne's kind of like a pet. A mean guard dog type of pet, I mean."

Wash looked at him for a moment and then grinned.

- - -

Mal wandered into the kitchen the next morning, not paying much attention to his surroundings until he noticed the hysterical giggling that was going on. Zoe, Kaylee, Inara, and River were all laughing at something. Wash and Simon were sitting at the other end of the table, watching curiously and looking just a little too innocent.

"Do I want to know what's goin on?" Mal inquired.

Without looking at him, River suddenly turned solemn and held out a data sheet to Inara. "My poor puppy! He's lost and all alone! How will I ever find him?"

Inara got control of herself and patted River soothingly. "It's alright sweetie, we'll all help you look. We need to look for our own as well."

"Zoe," Mal said, a little plaintively, "tell me no one actually brought pets onto my ship." Zoe didn't answer, she just showed Kaylee a data sheet. "Have you seen him? I miss him so much."

Kaylee shook her head and tried to look sad, although Mal could tell she was close to giggling. She also kept looking over at Wash and Simon. "Sorry Zoe, I ain't seen 'im. Have you seen mine?" Kaylee held out another data sheet. Zoe looked briefly and shook her head.

"We'll pair up and start looking after breakfast," Inara decided. For a moment she still looked serious, but then she giggled and looked over at Wash and Simon. River also disolved into giggles again.

"Alright, someone explain, what are you looking for?" Mal demanded. None of the girls looked at him but his pilot and his doctor exchanged looks before looking at him even more innocently.

With growing suspicion, Mal reached out and picked up one of the sheets. He stared at it for a moment then looked at Wash and Simon. He opened and shut his mouth a few times and then gave up and looked down again.

The data sheet was a lost pet poster which announced that a beloved pet who answered to the name Book had been lost and the owner was offering a small reward for his return. There was a picture of an English Sheepdog at the top. Mal put it down and picked up the others, which the girls had kindly put where he could reach them. There was one for him (apparently he was a Rhodesian Ridgeback), Wash the Norwegian Buhund, Simon the Siberian Husky, and Jayne the Rottweiler.

Mal looked at the girls again, none of whom were looking at him, and made his way over to Wash and Simon. Wash pushed a plate of food at him, grinning.

"Do I want to know?" he asked again.

"Just trying to keep River occupied." Simon said. Mal looked at him and he suddenly seemed very interested in his breakfast.

"I'm beginning to think you two need more to do." Mal said. Wash merely grinned at him.

Jayne and Book both appeared soon after and discovered that they were being carefully ignored by all the girls. After Mal explained why, Book chuckled and Jayne shot a suspicious scowl at Simon and Wash.

"How long are they going to keep this up?" Mal asked a while later, as the girls went off to begin their hunt and Wash and Simon headed off to supposedly do some actual work.

"Til we get found," Wash called back cheerfully. Simon just disappeared quickly.

Zoe and Kaylee did get some work done, although everywhere Mal went that day, one of the girls was peering into places and calling for whatever dog they'd chosen to look for. It continued into the next day, but at dinner he discovered that Wash had been 'found' by Kaylee. Simon, Books, Jayne, and himself were still missing. River was making much of this to Inara, sniffling about her poor Simon-puppy. Mal cornered the unfortunate husky after dinner.

"Now, correct me if I'm wrong. But Zoe was lookin for Wash, River is, obviosuly, lookin for you, Kaylee is lookin for me, and Inara is lookin for the Shepherd. Seems no one is missing our rottweiler."

"Are you implying that I had something to do with that?" Simon asked, edging towards the passenger dorms.

Mal regarded him for a moment then snorted quietly but didn't press him for an answer.

The next afternoon Mal sliced his hand open and made his way to Simon's domain.

"So what exactly did Jayne do?" Mal asked as Simon stitched.

"What makes you think he did anything?" Simon asked absently.

"Cause the only time you let Wash talk you into these things is when you're annoyed with Jayne." Simon grabbed a weave from the counter behind him. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I don't blame you get gettin annoyed with him, he likes to bug you. And this sorta revenge is much less destructive to both my doctor and my ship than throwin a punch. Also much more entertainin."

Simon frowned slightly. "Don't mean it as an insult, doc." Mal continued. "Know you can throw a punch, but Jayne...well, it's what he does."

"True."

"I would also like to point out that this one was Simon's plan." Wash added from the doorway. "And Inara's headed this way Simon."

"Thanks Wash." Wash waved and disappeared.

"Thought you were still among the missing."

"I'm about to fix that."

Inara came into the room outside the infirmerary and started looking for her sheepdog Book behind the pillows.

"Woof woof!" Simon called.

Inara straightened up.

"Woof woof!"

Inara moved over the the com and called River. "Mei mei, I've found Simon!"

"Oh thank you! I've been so lonely without my puppy!" River appeared a few moments later and pounced with exaggerated happiness on her brother. River made a show of paying an invisible reward to Inara.

Mal found Wash on the bridge with Zoe. "So what kind of bark does a Norwegian Buhund have?"

"Arf arf."

"I see."

Mal waited until just before breakfast the next morning. He was alone at the table with River and Wash.

He eyed River for a moment, then very firmly said "Roff, roff." River had been playing with her fork but she perked up immediately. "Roff." Mal repeated.

River scampered out of the room and returned a moment later with Kaylee in tow. She proudly showed her Mal and another invisible reward was exchanged.

The girls helpfully dropped several pointed hints at dinner about how strangely quiet the still missing dogs were. "If only they'd bark or something," Kaylee sighed. By breakfast the next morning, Book had been found by Zoe.

It took two more days of being ignored, and apparently much too subtle hints before the shepherd took pity on Jayne and explained.

At lunch the Jayne came in and looked uneasily at everyone. "Uh, ruff ruff?" He turned red at the snickering.

Kaylee patted his arm gently. "Oh look, we found Jayne!"

"How come no one was looking for me? You spent the first day wandering around calling for everyone else, how come nobody called for Jayne?" he complained as he sat down.

"Nobody wants a dog with mittens." River said. She shivered and Simon touched her shoulder comfortingly.

Mal nodded to himself. He's expected trouble the moment he'd seen the new, blue, mittens Jayne's mother had sent him. He wasn't particularly surprised the merc hadn't been able to resist teasing the little reader.

Jayne had the sense to look embarrassed. "Uh, yeah, 'bout that. I was thinking, maybe I could dye 'em or somethin."

"Probably a good idea,' Mal agreed mildly.