Chapter Two

The door to the staff room opened, and as Harry, Ron and Hermione watched, the Hogwarts teachers filed into the room, followed at last by Snape and Dumbledore. Harry looked around at the faces of the various teachers — they mostly wore expressions of concern or apprehension, though Harry noticed Professor Slughorn, the new Potions teacher, watching him from the corner of one eye. As Harry looked at him, Slughorn gave him a wink. Harry, still not quite sure what he thought of the man, even though Dumbledore seemed to like him, did not respond, but turned back to look at Ron and Hermione.

Ron leaned over and asked again, in Harry's ear, "What d'you think?"

"No idea," Harry whispered back. "But I'd like to know where Professor Dumbledore was during that fight. He could have stopped it in nothing flat."

"He might have been busy in his office," Hermione chimed in, "or couldn't hear the fight for some reason. Or, he might've —" But she stopped, because Dumbledore had begun speaking.

"I'm sure you've all either heard, or witnessed, the altercation in the Great Hall between the two American sailors," Dumbledore said, looking around the room for confirmation. Teachers were nodding their heads; Hagrid, who'd squeezed into the room as well, rubbed his jaw where the gigantic sailor, Bluto, had hit him, throwing him nearly the length of the Ravenclaw table and knocking him unconscious.

"The situation, I'm sorry to say, seems to have escalated from an isolated incident," Dumbledore continued, "specifically, the meeting in Tokyo between Rufus Scrimgeour and the Japanese Minister of Magic." He held up several piece of parchment. "I have received a number of owls from wizards in England, France, Spain, and Romania, describing similar appearances by —" Dumbledore hesitated for a moment "— well, unusual persons or beings, seeking either to start a fight with the first person they met, or looking for someone who had started a fight elsewhere, in order to exact revenge of some sort."

"So this isn't happening just to us?" Hermione asked. "It's going on in other places in England and Europe?"

Dumbledore nodded. "And around the world, it seems, Miss Granger." His piercing blue eyes moved around the room now, commanding everyone's attention. "It seems that, for unknown reasons, conflicts are breaking out among more gifted or unusual individuals. Already, the situation created by the Welsh Green sighting in Tokyo has escalated into a brawl stretching across several of the islands." His expression grew heavy, and he hesitated momentarily before continuing.

"I also regret to inform you," Dumbledore finally said. "Of the death of Rufus Scrimgeour." Several teachers leaped to their feet at this news, and there were gasps of dismay and consternation around the room. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other, shocked.

"How did it happen, Albus?" Slughorn managed to make himself heard over the cacophony of voices.

"It was the Killing Curse, the Avada Kedavra," Dumbledore said flatly. There were additional gasps at this unexpected development. "I suspect that Voldemort took advantage of the situation, and either made his way to Japan to kill Rufus, or else sent one of his Death Eaters to accomplish the task.

"In either event," Dumbledore continued, as everyone finally settled back into their chairs. "We cannot afford to merely react to these events. We must be proactive and take the imitative, and the battle, to Voldemort and his Death Eaters."

"What are you saying, Albus?" McGonagall looked at him sharply. "That we're going to go out and find You-Know-Who, and kill him?"

"Nothing quite as overt as that, Minerva," Dumbledore replied, calmly. "However, I am suggesting that we take immediate action to control unnecessary death and destruction, and assess Voldemort's involvement in the situation.

"I propose," he continued, "that members of the Order of the Phoenix will take up station in various parts of Great Britain, in order to effect this assessment, and that we report all Death Eater activity immediately to Kingsley Shacklebolt, who has taken over temporary control of the Ministry during this crisis."

"And what of the rest of us, Dumbledore?" Professor Flitwick asked.

"The other members of the staff will remain here, at Hogwarts, to protect the students, Filius," Dumbledore responded. "As we have seen, Muggle repelling charms may not be working with complete efficacy — especially, it seems, in the case of certain gifted, or otherwise unusual, Muggles."

"And what about us?" Harry asked. All heads in the room turned toward him. "Why did you ask us here?"

"Well, Harry," Dumbledore said, his blue eyes twinkling merrily. "It seemed easier to simply include you in these discussions than have you creeping about, trying to discover things on your own."

Harry almost laughed at that, but decided it would be a bit too cheeky of him for even Dumbledore to ignore, so he merely nodded, a barely suppressed grin on his face. Professors McGonagall and Snape both sighed — for different reasons, Harry suspected.

"You don't expect these — these boys, to help defend the castle, do you, Dumbledore?" McGonagall said incredulously, pointing at Harry and Ron.

"I'll be seventeen in a few weeks!" Hermione fired up, incensed at being excluded from McGonagall's remark.

"Assuming you live that long," Snape drawled, speaking for the first time since entering the room with Dumbledore. "You would not have survived until now if that half-giant oaf who attacked me in the entrance hall had come after you."

"He weren't no half-giant!" Hagrid rumbled, shaking his great, black-haired head. "There was somethin' about him, though — he was tougher than any human I ever fought."

"All the more reason for you to stay at Hogwarts, Hagrid," Dumbledore pointed out. "Your own strength will come in handy, in case other unusual Muggles make it past the magical protections." The headmaster nodded to McGonagall and Snape. "Minerva, you and Severus will accompany me to my office, and from there to our new Order of the Phoenix headquarters, to coordinate with Remus and Kingsley. The rest of you," he nodded to both staff members and Harry, Ron and Hermione, "be prepared for anything. The students have been returned to the Great Hall; please see that they are informed about any further visitors we may have, and that they should not react violently without provocation." Dumbledore, McGonagall and Snape swept from the room; the rest of the staff began filing out after them, leaving the three Gryffindors behind.

"So, what's the plan?" Ron asked, after the last teacher had left the room.

Harry shrugged. "I suppose we should go down to the Great Hall and let the other members of our House know what's up. We can also tell anyone else who ought to know, like Luna, and anyone in Dumbledore's Army — they should be helpful if we run into trouble."

"As unlikely as that is," Hermione added, as they started towards the doorway leading back to the entrance hall. "After all, how many Muggles are going to be able to get past those protection charms?"

As they started into the entrance hall, however, a strange whining met their ears, and Harry cautiously motioned for them to stop. The sound was coming from within the entrance hall, but they could see nothing there that could be causing it—until Ron pointed toward the center of the room, near the base of the marble staircase. "Look!"

They could see the faint outline of three glittering columns of light, transparent and human-shaped — like three ghosts — except that ghosts were supposed to be silver in color. Harry, who was carrying his Invisibility Cloak inside his rucksack, as Dumbledore had advised him, was already pulling it out. "Under here — quick!" He threw it over Ron and Hermione, and they watched, mesmerized, as the three transparent silhouettes solidified into — three humans.

Or at least, what seemed to be humans, though they were unlike any Harry had ever seen before. One, a handsome, sandy-haired man wearing a golden shirt with dark pants and boots, was looking around the room, in apparent bemusement. The other two men were dressed similarly, but in blue: one was middle-aged and square-faced, with dark hair beginning to go salt-and-pepper. Like the handsome man, he was looking around the entrance hall. The final man —

Harry wasn't quite sure what to make of him. He was pale, with shiny, black hair, but his ears and eyebrows made him appear like an abnormally tall house-elf. Of the three, he seemed the least perturbed by his surroundings. After sparing a glance around, he looked down at a small black-and-silver box he was carrying in one hand.

"It appears, Captain," the tall elf-man said, "that somehow the transporter, instead of beaming us down to the planet Neural, sent us here by mistake. I suspect a cross-continuum misalignment of the Heisenberg compensators."

"Again?!" the captain said, looking annoyed. He looked at the third man. "Bones, what do you make of this place?"

"I'm a doctor, not a transporter chief," the third man, "Bones," groused. "I don't have any idea where we are!"

"I am picking up humanoid lifeforms nearby, Captain," the tall elf-man said. "It seems to be coming from that direction." He pointed directly toward where Harry, Ron and Hermione were standing. The three of them looked nervously at one another.

The elf-man then turned, pointing to the doors of the Great Hall, and added, "There are also numerous lifeform readings behind those doors."

The captain, looking first toward the trio under the Invisibility Cloak, then back at the doors to the Great Hall, finally shrugged and said, "Well, safety in numbers, eh, Spock?" He started walking toward the doors.

"As you wish, Captain," the elf-man, "Spock," said, following Kirk.

As the three men walked toward the Great Hall, Hermione whispered to Harry, "What happens when they walk in there, if the teachers haven't told everyone about thinking before they react?"

Before Harry could answer, the three men threw open the doors to the Great Hall and walked inside, where Professor Flitwick was just signaling for quiet to begin speaking. The room went eerily silent, and all eyes turned to look at the three men, while Harry, Hermione and Ron crept forward, under the Cloak, to watch.

"I'm Captain James T. Kirk," the sandy-haired man said, arms spread in a non-threatening manner. "We come in peace. We're from a — a far away place, and — and we'd like to know what this place is."

There was several seconds of absolute silence. Then, a first-year at the Slytherin table shouted, "They're Muggles!" and everyone leapt to their feet, pulling out wands and pointing them at the three men.

"Wait a minute!" Professor Flitwick shouted. "Just hold on!" But his voice was drowned out in the shouting of students, unnerved by the second appearance of non-magical folk at the school in a single day.

"Get them!" a voice — Harry was sure it was Draco Malfoy — bellowed, and the three men automatically dived for cover behind one of the doors of the Great Hall, as a dozen or so Stunners ricocheted off the door and nearby walls. Harry, Ron and Hermione quickly shuffled back into the entrance hall.

Behind the door, Kirk had pulled out his phaser. "Do you think that's wise, Captain?" Spock cautioned him. "We do not know the level of technology here — we could be in violation of the Prime Directive."

"Considering they just tried to hit us with lightning bolts, Spock," Kirk retorted, "I'm willing to take that risk." He pointed the phaser around the edge of the door and began firing toward the rows of students. Students began falling over in bunches as the stun effect hit them. The rest began panicking, running up and down along the tables, making themselves easy targets for Kirk's random firing.

"This is all a mistake!" Hermione whispered urgently to Harry. "They weren't trying to hurt anybody!"

"For not trying to hurt anyone," Ron said, watching as more students fell to the floor, stunned, "they're doing a bloody good job at it!"

"We have to stop this," Harry said, his wand already out. Ron and Hermione pulled theirs out as well. "I'm going to throw off the cloak, so we can stun them through the hole between the door and the wall. One — two — whoa!"

Three people had suddenly rushed past the trio, into the Hall — people Harry had never seen before. They were undoubtedly more interlopers, he decided; somehow attracted to this place, just as the Americans who were there earlier that morning, had been.

The three — a young, striking blonde woman, followed by another woman with reddish-blonde hair, wearing a short skirt and (weirdly) a pink sweater, and finally by a handsome, dark-haired man in a dark shirt and pants, ran into the Great Hall. The blonde woman shouted, "Everybody HOLD IT!" and everyone froze in their tracks. Under the Invisibility Cloak, Harry saw Spock look at Kirk and say, "Fascinating."

"All right," the woman said, trying to remain calm, motioned for everyone to stay where they were. "Now, I don't know where we are or how we got here, but I need to get some answers, and I need them fast!"

"Buffy," the second woman said, "I think this place is magical — I can sense it all around me."

"Willow's right, Buffy," the man with them said. "We're not in a demonic dimension."

"Great," Buffy said sarcastically. "Let me add that to the list of places we're not." She mimed checking an item off an invisible checksheet.

Behind the door, Captain Kirk was eyeballing the curvaceous young blonde. "Hmm, not bad…"

"Aw, for God's sake, Jim," McCoy said, exasperated. "Can't you keep it in your pants for ten minutes?!"

"Hey, I'm a starship captain, not a doctor," Kirk reminded him. He stepped around the door, his phaser held behind his back. "Hello," he said to Buffy, trying to sound charming. "I'm Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise…"

Buffy looked him over coolly. "Yeah? And I'm Xena the Warrior Princess."

"Ooo!" Willow said enthusiastically. "Can I be Gabrielle?"

Buffy gave Willow an are-you-kidding-me look. "I'm just being sarcastic, Willow. This guy obviously isn't Captain Kirk!"

"Well, you aren't Xena, either!" Willow said, defensively.

Still under the Invisibility Cloak, Harry, Hermione and Ron were watching the spectacle with growing concern. "This is getting weirder and weirder," Hermione said worriedly.

"Getting?!" Ron said incredulously. "Whatever made you think that?!"

"Quiet!" Harry said, to both of them. "We need to figure out what to do!"

"Listen," Kirk said, still trying to turn on the charm. "I really am Captain Kirk —"

"Zip it, Astro-boy," Buffy said dismissively. "I've already had my galaxy rocked, by a much better man than you."

"I can take care of him for you, Buffy," Angel said, beginning to vamp out. One of the Slytherins, seeing this, began to gibber and point. A cry went up among the other students.

"A vampire!"

"Get some garlic!"

"Get a stake!"

"Get a grip," Angel muttered, becoming normal again. Looking at Willow, he said testily, "You'd think I was going to bite their heads off!"

"Well, if the coffin fits," Willow said, jokingly.

But Kirk, seeing Angel's change to and from vampiric aspect, had pointed his phaser toward the dark-haired young man. "What…are you?" he asked, slowly, for dramatic effect.

Angel grinned at him. "I'm Irish, me boyo," he said, reverting back to his old accent for a moment. "Kiss me!" He puckered up and pointed to his lips.

Kirk looked back at Spock. "Well, I think I've put up with enough of this — don't you think so, Spock?"

Spock sighed. "It doesn't matter what I think, Captain. You're going to do what you want, anyway. You usually do."

"Ain't I something?" Kirk said offhandedly. He suddenly turned and slugged Angel in the face.

Instead of falling to the floor, however, Angel, who had merely turned his head to one side as Kirk hit him, looked back at the surprised captain, smiling. "My turn," he said, and slapped Kirk across the face. Kirk promptly sailed past Spock and McCoy, landing on the floor with a thud and sliding into a corner of the Great Hall.

At that same moment, golden plates, filled with food, appeared on the four House tables as the school bells rang for lunch.

"Food fight!" one of the Hufflepuffs yelled.

The Great Hall was instantly filled with flying pieces of chicken, steak and kidney pies, corn, peas, rolls, and everything else the house-elves had carefully prepared. Angel, looking around in shock as the food had started flying, found himself grappling with Spock, while Willow ducked around behind a door of the Great Hall, joining a cowering Dr. McCoy.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she said, surprised to see him there. "Is this hiding place taken?"

"Not at all, my dear!" McCoy said gallantly, moving over to give her room. "Plenty of cover for everybody…"

Buffy was looking around in surprise and annoyance, as if a food fight was the last thing she'd expected to deal with, much less a horny starship captain. She suddenly sensed someone moving near her. But there was no one close… at least, she realized, none that she could see…she reached out, toward empty air —

Harry, Ron, and Hermione, having slipped into the Great Hall, were making their way toward the Gryffindor table (which had been turned right side up again, somehow, but was still wobbly after being broken in several places), when Buffy's hand suddenly grabbed the Invisibility Cloak and yanked it away, revealing them.

"Oh, bollocks," Ron said, his eyes widening with surprise, as all three of them realized they were visible.

"Hold it," Buffy said, dropping the Cloak and taking Ron by the arm, making him squeal in surprise and fright. "Just where the hell am I? How did we get here?"

Ron's mouth was working, but nothing was coming out. Harry and Hermione had both drawn and pointed their wands at Buffy. "Just, let him go," Harry said slowly. "Please," Harry added, making the Slayer smile. She released Ron, then folded her arms across her chest, ignoring the pandemonium going on behind her.

"Look," she said, placatingly, "I'm just trying to figure out how me and my friends got here, and how we can get home."

"Who are you?" Hermione asked, her voice tense.

"Buffy Summers. I'm a — well, I'm a Vampire Slayer."

"Right," Harry said, his tone sarcastic. "That makes sense, since you came in here with a vampire, who's now fighting with some huge house-elf."

Buffy looked at Angel, still wrestling with the "Mr. Spock" doppelganger, or whatever he was. "Well, he's — that is, we're — well, it's complicated," she finally said, throwing up her hands in frustration.

Vulcan strength versus vampiric strength seemed to be almost evenly matched — neither Spock nor Angel seemed ready to give up the fight. Behind the door, Willow and McCoy were discussing mint julep recipes, and in the corner, Kirk moaned, beginning to regain consciousness. The air was still filled with flying bits of food until Professors Flitwick and Slughorn shouted out several charms — the flying food stopped suddenly, hanging in midair, then vanished.

"Right!" Flitwick shouted. "Let's have some decorum, please! Kindly stop throwing food!" Everyone relaxed, putting down their throwing arms.

Buffy, seeing the food fight ending, said, "Thank goodness! I was beginning to think we'd ended up in the medieval version of Animal House."

The only two people still struggling were Angel and Spock. Angel, swinging at Spock's face, missed, and Spock's hand finally found his shoulder, to apply the Vulcan Neck Pinch.

"Ah," Angel said, twisting his head a little to one side. "A little higher, please."

Nonplussed, Spock stopped and stared at him in shock.

Angel worked his neck a bit, looking relaxed. "Wow, that really took the kinks out. Thanks, dude."

Spock raised an eyebrow at him; then, seeing Kirk groggily regaining his feet in the far corner, hurried over to see to the captain, as McCoy joined them. "Are you alright, Jim?" McCoy asked.

"Yeah," Kirk said, touching his jaw carefully. "He just got in a lucky punch."

McCoy was running a medical diagnostic on him. "Yeah, he's pretty lucky, alright — lucky he doesn't have your brains splattered all over his hand." Kirk glared at him.

"This is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," Hermione was telling Buffy, "a school for learning magic."

"Oh, how cool!" Willow, who was walking over to join Buffy, overheard this. "Maybe we could go here, instead of UC Sunnydale!"

"Will, this isn't even our universe," Buffy said, wearily.

"And, you have to have magical blood before you can even do magic here," Hermione said, sounding apologetic. "Sorry."

"Magical blood? Ewww," Willow said, looking grossed out. "I think I like our magic better — at least anybody can be a witch or warlock in our universe."

"Anybody?" Mr. Filch said, looking hopeful, until Madam Pince glared at him, then he shrugged and sat back down at the Head Table, looking annoyed.

Teachers began walking up and down between house tables, awakening students who'd been stunned by the captain's phaser fire. Captain Kirk approached Buffy slowly. "Sorry about the misunderstanding," he told her, his voice subdued and humble. "You are very hot, though," he couldn't help adding.

Buffy smiled coquettishly. "I know."

She turned to Willow and Angel. "We need to get going, we've gotta find a way back home." Before anyone could stop them, they ran into the Great Hall and dashed through the front doors, heading toward the gates to the school a few hundred yards away.

"Oh, well," Kirk said, sounding a trifle disappointed. He looked around at Spock and McCoy. "I suppose we should be going as well — assuming we can contact the ship, somehow."

"Have you tried yet, Captain?" Spock said, one eyebrow raised slightly.

Kirk thought for a second, then shrugged and reached back, over his hip, and took out his communicator. "Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk … to Enterprise."

"Enterprise here, Captain," a familiar Scots accent said in reply.

"Three to beam up, Mr. Scott," Kirk said crisply.

"Aye, sir. Energizing…" The three men began to sparkle with golden light. Before the assembled students and teachers, they disappeared into columns of light, which faded before their eyes.

There was silence for several moments. Finally, Harry said, "That was seriously weird."

"No," Ron disagreed. "That kicked weird's arse all the way round the castle."