Chapter 2. The Beating Drum

My morning started out with an awkward and almost silent conversation between me and Charlie. He watched me like a hawk and I beat him back with perfect nonchalance until he was driven to needling me with questions like.

"So how was life on the rez?"

"I haven't been living there lately."

"Spending a lot of time with your grandmother?"

"Maybe."

"How are your grades at school?"

"Perfect."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"NO."

"Umm… Haseya." Charlie started to say. But I was already gone. I ignored the car sitting in the front driveway and walked to school. My cellphone was in my backpack and I had an umbrella.

As I sloshed through the flood I was reminded of bitter childhood memories, memories which I largely blamed Charlie for when I was growing up. The times when kids found out I was half white and wouldn't play with me at school so I ate lunch and played all by myself at recess. I remembered what it was like to be a little girl again, tripping over Navajo words and dreaming about what it would be like to actually own a Barbie doll. To be so perfect and wonderful that I would have a dream job and a dream boyfriend when I grew up, to be prettier than a Barbie doll and gorgeous and confident in anything I wore. Those dreams started to matter less as I was forced to grow up more.

I kicked a rain puddle. I felt like everything in my life wanted me to bury that little girl under the ground and suddenly be someone else. But I would always be that little girl. Though a person can change everyday, who we are never truly changes, it's just how we act about it that shows us and others who we are. I still like to play and imagine and dream and create. I still would like to live in a world where it doesn't matter what color anyone's skin is.

Last night when I spoke to the wolf, thinking about it made me shudder. Last night I had had nightmares about dream catchers and spirits of the wind as well as the animals of the old legends. It had been a torrent of images and sounds so real that I felt as though I was standing in the desert on the hard packed red earth as the rain beat down and the desert breathed, facing every piece of my past through symbols.

Sigmund Freud says that a dream is a wish your heart makes. My heart wishes to understand who I am and how I fit into this strange world of colors and peoples. My heart wishes to understand what it means for me to be Navajo and white, what to embrace and what I need to change. Being in the rez was some of the times in my life when I understood that my people were broken and being outside of the rez taught me that many, many people are broken. My skin color shouldn't tell me what to be any more than grass can tell me not to mow it.

I walked into the reception office at the school which was bursting with green potted plants. The red-haired lady behind the desk knew who I was instantly.

"Bella."

"Haseya." I corrected

She handed me my school schedule and map. I took it from her, smiled and said.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." She gushed.

On my way out of the room I bit back a sigh. School.

I made it to my first class thanks to my amazing sense of direction. Which is incidentally why I had to get up halfway through it and find the class I was actually supposed to be in. It was kind of embarrassing to walk in late because the teacher was like

"Oh, here is our new student!"

"What was your first clue?" I asked, annoyed as I wrung water out of my hair onto the carpet. Stupid cheap raincoat.

It was cheap carpet anyways.

"Well." The teacher looked like they were sucking on a lemonhead. "Can you introduce yourself?"

"Yes." I said. I walked to the front of the classroom and said "Hello class, my name is Haseya, and I'm from Arizona. I love sports and the outdoors. I also hate math." Then I bowed dramatically and took a seat in front of a greasy haired geek boy.

Would it be evil of me to wring my hair out on his desk? I wondered. After class this black-haired boy spoke to me

"Haseya?" He asked "Is that your name?"

"Yeah." I said "Who are you?"

"I'm Eric!" He said, holding out a hand for me to shake, which I did, trying to break his fingers as I never have liked men who smile during first hour.

Wincing he withdrew his hand. I smiled with pleasure.

"What's your next class?" He asked

Oh, the one furthest away from you. I thought.

"Government with Jefferson in Building six." I said

"I'll show you the way!" He said, way over-eager.

Oh great, I've already picked up a tail. I thought. He made a few stabs at small talk on the way over about how he wished we had more classes together. Right, I thought, classes. This kid had a crush on me.

He was minor league compared to Mike Newton, my second tail. That kid, after meeting me, was unstoppable. He followed me until lunch.

"So how hot is Arizona?" He asked

"That depends." I said as I shouldered my backpack, ready to go.

"On what?"

"Whether I'm over there or not."

Mike laughed nervously and fell silent. Mission accomplished.

At lunch I sat at a table with a girl who had spoken to me who had been in Spanish and Trig. I wanted to drop Spanish ASAP because I already know Navajo and I don't want to learn Spanish. When the Hispanic kids back home wanted to shut out the "white" people they switched to Spanish. So of course I understand Spanish but I refuse to speak it. Gotta drop that class. Too bad they don't accept online Navajo for credit over here or I could pay for a course, ace it, and move on with life.

People seemed almost afraid of me here which was not normal. Back home I blended in just fine. I mean, guys were afraid of me, but the girls weren't. I wasn't that intimidating.

And that was when my gaze was directed to a group of people who were beautiful beyond reason. The tall blonde girl at that table was a freaking swimsuit model only super white instead of tan (not sure swimsuit models are allowed to be pale…), the other girl had short spiky black hair, and then there were the guys. There was a hunk of blonde muscle, another guy with a serious face, and then this one with tawny hair. He was rather cuter than the rest of them and had this charisma around him that made the girls at my table swoon though they tried to hide it.

"So, what kind of drugs are they taking?" I asked, pointing at the group of supermodels. Jessica sighed and rolled her eyes, annoyed at my interruption of her story about how once the stoplight down the street broke, and explained.

"Those are the Cullens. Rosalie and Emmet Cullen. Then Alice and Jasper Hale. And the last one is Edward. Don't ask, he doesn't date."

"Do I look like I want him?" I asked her, offended by her assumption that I'd fall in love with some stupid boy just for looks. "Look at his nose, it's obviously off center."

The one called Edward's gaze flicked over to Jessica, then passed to mine. I raised my eyebrow like whatcha gonna do punk and saw surprise flit over his face. Dat's right. I thought, now be a good boy and mind your own business, staring at your lunch like you'd rather eat the table it's on.

"He's staring at you!" Jessica announced.

"I'm beautiful. Happens all the time." I said, taking a bite out of my apple.

"No," she said "I'm serious. He is staring at you."

"Sucks for him, because I'm about to pull a face."

"No!" Jessica said. Too late. I looked up, made eye contact with this Edward character, and stuck my tongue out at him like a five year old.

I enjoy giving people heart failure. His look of shock morphed into astonished laughter. I gamely ignored him and soon he left the cafeteria with the rest of the dream team.

Unfortunately for me I had Biology with him next. He seemed friendly enough until I walked past the table where he was sitting, alone, even though I'm sure there was a lineup of women who wanted to be there, and then he went rigid.

I introduced myself as Haseya again and sat down at the table. He leaned as far away from me as possible.

"You look like someone freaking bit you, you got a problem with me?" I asked "If you want, you can leave." The teacher had started to lecture but I was not about to let that interrupt my conversation. My conversations were WAY more important than mitosis.

Edward flashed a look of pure hatred at me. I responded in kind with a snarl.

"Fine." I said "Be that way."

As soon as the bell rang he ran out the door and I glared at him as he went to the doorway

"What was up with Cullen?" Mike asked "Did you stab him with a pencil or something?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I asked, looking at Edward's retreating back "I bit him."

My next class was PE which Charlie had signed me up for. Apparently this town was so small that I'd have to go on the rez to find a tennis court. Some tribal outreach program had built one, according to Charlie, so I'd have to go over there to use it. It was for rez kids only, though, so I'd have to find someone to play with from the rez. Hello Jacob, remember how we're friends? Well I'm reminding you because I need something.

I didn't even have to dress out for PE. The teacher talked about how much fun we were going to have with our volleyball unit and how we needed to get into shape. I may have flashed a very sinister smile at that point but there were no major witnesses.

After school I ran into Edward in the reception office handing in my slip that I'd had all my teachers sign to say "yes, she was here today, even though she didn't learn a thing". I waited behind him as he tried urgently to switch out of his Biology class. She kept shaking her head and calling him honey. When he saw me he stiffened and his fist clenched on the table. He looked like he wanted to hit something. Like he wanted to hit me.

My eyes narrowed and I folded my arms over my chest, on his way out I said

"Yo Cullen. Have a nice day." My voice spat icicles in his direction.

He didn't say anything. I smiled warmly at the receptionist and handed in my slip.

"How was your first day?"

"It was flawless." I said breezily before turning on my heel and walking out.

When I got home from school the first thing I did was call Charlie and get the Black's phone number.

"Hey." I said into the phone when I called the Black's. It was Billy who picked up.

"Hello?" Billy asked

"This is Haseya. Is Jacob around?" I asked.

"He's out working on his car right now." Billy said.

"Good. I'm coming over." I said. And hung up.

I drove the monster truck over to the rez and down to Jacob's house. He came out of the garage pulling his long hair into a ponytail. He had an umbrella in his other hand.

Girl hair, Jacob, why?

I parked the truck and stuck the key into my jean pocket. Jacob held the umbrella over our heads. Sad, really, my hair was already soaked but the gesture was appreciated.

"Haseya!" Jacob said, a smile breaking out over his face. Somewhat hesitant because of what had happened yesterday, I imagine.

"Hey, bro." I said. "Can we talk for a minute?"

"Sure, sure." He said "If we go in the garage, if you want, and you can see my car."

"K." I said.

We walked over to his garage shed and he pulled open the car door so I could sit while he worked. To alleviate some of the wetness I pulled off my jacket to show off my black tennis t-shirt.

"I'm soaking wet." I said, deciding it would be nice to mention that before I left a massive wet spot on his pride and joy thanks to spandex jeans.

"Doesn't matter." Jacob said "So, what's up?"

"I'm way sorry about yesterday." I said, fingering the necklace at my throat.

Jacob didn't say anything. He fiddled with some tools and started to religiously put them back where they belonged. I sensed what he was about to say next was bothering him.

"I just, when you ran away…" He started to say.

"You were worried about me. I hurt you, and I'm sorry." I said

He looked at me and I saw a rare serious expression cross his face.

"You can't play with me like that." He said "I know you like to be fun and play around, but when you put yourself in danger, I can't handle that."

I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Do not cry. I told myself.

"I am so sorry Jacob." I said.

"I know you've been having a hard time lately," Jacob said "And I want you to know that I'm here for you, and you shouldn't do things like you did yesterday. You could get hurt."

I could not speak. I buried my face in my hands instead. I remembered all those times Jacob and I had been friends. We had both grown up a lot since then and I realized for the first time that for realsies Jacob was growing up into a man. A darn good one. But despite everything else he had always been kind to me and yesterday I had been so afraid of what he or Charlie or Billy might think of me I'd decided to throw everything out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak, avoiding a consequence that may have never happened. And I'd hurt him.

He was quiet. He stood by the car door trying to figure out how to respond to my sudden display of emotion. I slid out of the car, walked right over to him, and buried my face in his shirt. That meant my face was on his collarbone because he'd decided to grow a bunch over the summer. I just stood there with my hands up to my face, hiding my face in his shoulder, while he stood there and one of his big hands patted my shoulder gently like a nervous brown butterfly.

"You never let me hug you before." Jacob said slowly "Why?"

I grumbled something about stupid men into his shoulder. Then I decided to be mature. It's very rare that that happens, but it happened.

"A couple years ago some guy jumped me from behind." I said "I'm still not over it."

"Was that on the rez?" he asked

"Yeah." I said, still trying not to bawl so I wouldn't get mascara all over his white t-shirt. Why was he even wearing a white t-shirt? I was so frustrated with myself I wanted to just go to sleep or something and not have to deal with me. I was a mess. Jacob shouldn't have to deal with this mess.

He hugged me tight for a second.

"Well, you aren't there now." He said "Everything is going to be fine."

"Is it?" I asked.

"Yeah." Jacob said "You just gotta let some things go."

"It's not that easy." I said, looking at the cement floor of the garage.

"Well, can you talk about it?" Jacob asked "I don't have anything else to do so I can hear whatever you want to say."

"Did I mention you're my best friend?" I asked him. We sat on the floor next to his car with our backs leaned up against a tire. And I told Jacob everything.

I told him about moving back off the reservation and my grandmother telling me to embrace my heritage while at the same time my mother resisted. I told him about the kids at school who picked on me for being half white and the day I dropped my "white" name. I talked about how my mom and I always fought nowadays and her dating JJ and me getting a C in a math class, and that huge fight about it that led me to call Charlie and culminated in my moving here. And I told him that even though it wasn't safe I did go running on the rez or in the city during the hottest parts of the day because I just wanted to get out of my house.

"I just wanted to get away from the stress and from my mom. I couldn't stand being alone with her. I only felt good when I was outside. Tennis helped but my mom would sometimes take my racquet because she said it wasn't healthy for me to have tennis at school and then come home and work out again. So I would run. I did bleachers. I ran all over the place. It didn't matter how hot it was or if it was raining, I was outside." I paused "I guess yesterday I just wasn't ready to tell you about my problems. I didn't want you to be sad for me because I felt like if you were upset about my problems, that would make them seem even worse than they already were. So when you asked me if I was okay I just didn't want to be there anymore. Running away was stupid but I felt compelled to do it."

Tears leaked out of the corner of my eyes and I put my face on his shoulder again. Screw his white t-shirt.

Jacob was quiet. He had listened quietly and patiently the whole time and now he looked like something was troubling him.

"But if you don't tell people what's wrong, they can't help you."

"But people will be upset if I do tell them." I said.

"Well, take that Edward punk for instance," Jacob said "you dealt with him right on. But if you didn't tell me about it, would I be able to tell you that he's a jerk and make you smile?"

"I guess not." I smiled despite myself "I really did get him, didn't I?"

"Yeah." Jacob said "And those boys that were following you around too."

"I almost feel bad about that. They seemed so nice." I said.

"Yeah, right." Jacob snorted "I'm pretty sure I know why they were being nice."

"You think I couldn't tell?" I asked him, turning to look at him disbelievingly.

"Well, if you ever need me to tell someone to back off, I'll bring Quill and Embry and I'll do it."

"Embry?" I asked "Quill?"

"I met them last year," Jacob said "They're my friends."

"Not as cute as me." I muttered.

"Yeah, not as cute as you." Jacob said "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah. I guess I need to get back home now."

"You want me to drive you?" Jacob asked "I can drive you there and walk back."

I did want Jacob there. But I wasn't going to ask him to walk miles in the rain.

"No, it's okay." I said, standing up and pointedly ignoring the wet spot in the shape of the back of my jeans on the cement.

I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on. As we walked back to my car I decided to brief Jacob on what he was allowed to say to Billy. Not that Jacob would get me in trouble but whatever went to Billy would go to Charlie unless I forbade it, and I preferred to filter the news people received rather than ask them not to tell. I call it the two men can keep a secret if one of the men is dead principle.

"So you're going to tell Billy, when he asks, because he will, that I came over here to apologize for yesterday."

"And?" Jacob asked

"Tell him I'm having a hard time, but that I'm going to be okay." I said.

"Can I also tell him what you said to that Edward punk today?"

"Oh yes." I said "And don't forget to stick your tongue out when you tell him."

"I won't." Jacob said.

When I got back to my car Jacob hesitated with his hands stuck in his pockets. He looked like he wanted to reach out with his mechanic's hands and make all my problems go away, but he knew I couldn't let him do that for me. We both knew each other too well to misjudge that.

He clasped my shoulder with his hand one last time.

"Have a good day tomorrow." He said. "And don't forget that I'm your friend."

"I won't." I promised. He let go of my shoulder and closed the door for me.