Chapter Two: Facing the Facts
Aside from the raging hangover, there were other reasons this day was already strange. Callaghan. He was actually staring at me with this look of utter contentment. It wasn't suiting him. In fact, he hated my guts most days. But today, he almost seemed chipper.
"Sammy, how goes it? I brought you a little remedy." Oliver fastened his holster as I took off my coat.
"Thanks. I could use a magic cure right about now. I think I'm hallucinating."
"That's what happens when you rush out from work on an empty stomach, then load dozens of shots with 80 proof liquor in your stomach." Oliver loved lecturing me like I was one of his teenage daughters.
"Yes mother. I'll do better next time."
"Yes, you will." He did that trademark Oliver expression, where he progressed to point at me directly.
Waking up this morning was not only painful thanks to my drinking, but because the feeling of an empty bed was something I hadn't quite adjusted to yet. Aside from Mcnally, women who spent the night with me were infrequent. I'd had drunken moments where I'd let loose, but I'd never been with someone to the emotional extent I'd been with Andy. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for long term. I never knew what to say. What to do. I was a rookie.
"Epstein! Walk with me!" Oliver gestured Dov out just as soon as he'd come in. I shook my head, knowing Oliver was too good to me.
It was around this time when Jerry would come and wrangle me by my neck, dragging me out for the routine 'Captain's Address". But as the trend had started, Jerry was no longer here to be my wing-man. And now, I was more alone than ever.
As I grudgingly walked on into the room filled with fellow co- workers, I had no luck spotting Mcnally. The whole time, my stomach was in knots.
I couldn't help but worry. Was she alright? Maybe she too, had a rough night. But still, Andy wouldn't miss the start of the day for such a stupid reason. Hell, I was here. That was quite the accomplishment.
Callaghan walked in, carrying his shoulders high as he marched to the front. He stood at the podium. Who did he think he was?!
"Callaghan looks particularly perky this morning. Then again, he's also walking like he's got a stick up his ass so…" I snorted, listening to Oliver's early morning gossip.
"He did look unusually chipper now that you mentioned it." I added.
"Good morning, 15 Division. The reason I'm addressing you this morning is to deliver some bittersweet news. Two of our officers, Nick Collins and Andy Mcnally—"My heart leaped into my chest. No. Please. Don't say what I know you will say. Don't.
"—joined my task force and shipped off last night. I know this may come as a shock to many of you, but this was something the both of them wanted to do." Callaghan looked straight into my eyes. My insides felt heavy yet somehow hollow. Andy, so this is how we leave things?
I trudged out of the room, wobbling towards the bathroom. My stomach felt like it was going to explode.
As I hovered over the sink, I felt weak. The man glancing back at me was pale and sweaty. She'd made her choice. She'd made her choice and that coice wasn't me.
Reality sunk in more than it ever had before.
"Sam, you missed car assignments. You're with Nash." Frank poked his head into the restroom with sympathetic eyes.
"Don't worry, Swarek. Mcnally's a tough cop. She can hold her own out there." Frank comforted. I nodded, giving him assurance that I understood. Was this how Mcnally felt when I left that night? This feeling- this numbness...
I wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy. Well, almost...
"What were you THINKING?!" I yelled, pacing towards Callaghan. He dared look confused.
"Sam... it's my job. I'm sorry." He wasn't sorry. I closed my eyes, trying to calm the rage that was brewing.
"When did this happen? Andy wasn't evena contender yesterday. What changed?"
Callaghan swallowed dryly.
"Traci backed out. I had an opening and Mcnally was eager. It wasn't personal, Sam." Luke said, with such a passive voice I wanted to punch him.
"She isn't ready." I hadn't noticed the tersity in my voice until now.
"When I saw her last night, she was." Luke stated. There was a pause.
"Did she... say anything?" Stop Sam. Stop prying information out of Callaghan. Wrong source.
"Sam, I know you don't want to hear this. But you broke Andy's heart. I think she needed this- to get away." Callaghan said.
I felt my fists clench tight, my mind racing. I'd never felt as low as I did right now. I was the bad guy. It was evident now. The jerk? That was me. Sam Swarek. It was a realization that left me stunned. Everything was all my fault.
"Listen, I've got to go do some paperwork. But I'll try and keep you updated if I hear anything. Alright?" Luke sighed, and after a moment of silence, he walked away slowly.
As I vacantly walked towards the car, I handed Traci the keys.
"Nash, I thought you were doing the whole detective thing now."
"I wanted a break. Just with everything going on, I could use a day of riding around." Nash looked up at me, her face solemn. She offered up a weak smile, which was just about as sincere as mine had been. I suppose we had things in common these days.
"Fine by me." I collapsed into the passenge seat, throwing an aspirin into my mouth. Any other day, I'd insist on driving. Today was just spiraling downwards- who knows what would happen if I took the wheel.
"You didn't lose her Swarek. I know Andy. SHe;d never consciously let you out of her life." Traci said. Nash had a maternal instinct that was extremely comforting.
"She just did, Nash." I sighed.
"Maybe temporarily. Just give her time to breathe. To do her job. She'll come back just like the Andy we know." Traci said.
"What id she doesn't. What if she moves on." Saying these words left me feeling lethargic.
"We are talking about the same Andy, right? Crazy, nosy, persistent, sweet, caring... come on, Sam! That girl has got too much fight in her to give in so easily."
It'd been the first smile I'd managed to produce since last night. Mcnally- my sweet, caring, NOSY Mcnally.
I wouldn't want her any other way.
"I- I told her I loved her." I spoke, looking down at my lap.
Slowly, I turned to face Traci's expression. She was dumbfounded.
"Sorry, say that again." I stifled a laugh, repeating myself.
"Oh my gosh, Sam. That's—that's HUGE." Nash said, smiling widely.
"I should have said it sooner." I sighed, wishing I could just listen to a stupid joke Andy spewed at me. I wanted so bad to see her smile—that smile I missed more than anything else perhaps. I missed the scent of her hair as she lay in bed next to me. I missed silly talk of the future—talk where I knew I, myself, was actually quite serious about.
