Uhm... A review in the first chapter said something about Hermione being the 'obvious pairing'. Question: did I EVER wrote something obvious? Besides, I chose Hermione for exactly one reason that has nothing to do with pairings.
by lord Martiya
Trying to Escape
Looking at her, Harry remembered the first time he had ever heard of Evangeline A.K. McDowell, during one of Snape's DADA lessons.
Snape had tested them to see who could recognize the worst possible treath to Hogwarts' students among three pictures, and Harry scored perfectly by recognizing the 'Voldemort' as Tonks morphed into him, declaring Slughorn the worst possible treath as he could poison the students with the potions he brewed for the Hospital Wing and identifying the 'child' as either a vampire powerful enough to wear a cross-shaped pendant with little problem or a child with access to a letal weapon like a combat doll. The git declared that, while it physically pained him, he had to award Harry with 150 points, and then precised that the child was actually Evangeline, and showed what remained of an army of vampire slayer that attacked her: a note thanking for the nice meal. Then Ron had to ask why she was so dangerous if the Thousand Master had killed her, to which Snape replied: "Why is anybody assuming he killed her when he publicy admitted he just gave her a lesson in manners? Believe me, the only reason the Dark Lord is still around is because she's disgusted at the Ministry for Magic and the idiots that elected it and decided he would be a fitting punishment."
And now, Harry was before her.
"Any question?" she asked. And Harry still had to ask.
"Why you didn't stop Voldemort?"
"Listen, I am a vampire, no flight of death can affect me."
"What?"
"Voldemort is French for 'flight of death'..." Hermione explained.
"Ah. But the Voldemort in Britain?"
"Death is natural, sir Potter." Evangeline continued, her eyes making clear she refused to call Tom Riddle in any way different from his true name.
"I meant Riddle..."
"Lesson one, sir Potter: you don't refer to traitors with their chosen name, you either mock it or call them with their true name. So, no Voldemort, only Tom Marvolo Riddle, Moldyshorts, 'That Guy With A Name Ripped Off The U-No-Poo' and things like that. And to answer your question, British wizards don't care, so why should I?"
"But-"
"If they cared, they would have started rising in arms, making some civil disobedience or leaving the country. There's just some people leaving the country and a small group of vigilantes trying some resistance."
"But what can they do?" Hermione asked.
"When Germany occupied France in WWII, French people started a resistance movement. When Germany did the same in Jugoslavia, they got TWO different resistance groups, one of which even took over after the war. In WWII Italy surrendered to the Allied powers on September 8, 1943, Germany invaded Italy and started making a puppet governement on September 9 and on September 10 there was already a resistance movement shooting at the Germans. And if you think Britons are any different, I'll have you know that in WWII we had a resistance ready and armed before Germans invaded France, my side job is exactly neutralize our glorious sovereign in case he even THINK to try and be a tyrant, and I already did five times, the thing in Northern Ireland is exactly this with a lot of grudge on both parts, and should anyone be stupid enough to try a terrorist attack in Scotland the police will have to save the terrorists from the people(1)."
"What exactly you did to the kings?"
"Charles I could have won the Civil War without me destroying his magical support. I brought the malaria to Cromwell and controlled his physician to make sure he died. I poisoned Charles II when he dissolved the Parliament a time too much. I went to James II and told him that he either left country and crown or I'd eat him. Oh, and I made George III mad as a punishment for his idiocy costing us those colonies. That idiot... WAS IT TOO DIFFICULT TO LET THE COLONIES SEND REPRESENTATIVES IN THE COMMONS AS THEY WANTED? BUT N-"
Evangeline collapsed. Behind her the doll of Snape's picture (Chachazero) was putting back a needle.
"Sorry, she never got over that." Chachazero replied. "She'll wake up calmer in a couple minutes."
Harry and Hermione looked at each other, then ran out.
"They actually think they can escape..." Chachazero mused.
"Harry, slow down!" Hermione said.
"We have no time!" Harry replied. "We must hunt the horcru-"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
Harry looked around, but saw nothing.
"Harry... You have BREAST!"
Harry looked down and found that the strange weight he had on his chest was in fact a pair of boobs. Harry then checked between his legs. Yep, fully female.
"Sorry, but I enrolled you in my own class, and I go to an all-female school." Evangeline said after popping out from nowhere.
"And you say I am evil..." a Chinese girl mused.
"You are, just in a different way."
At that point, Harry fainted. Evangeline lifted her hand, and Harry and Hermione were forced to follow her back to her cottage while the vampire hummed Master of Puppets.
"Welcome back to the living." Evangeline saluted Harry before giving him an I.D. "This will be your official identity card as long as you remain here."
Harry looked it, and saw himself identified as Eisheth McDowell. And a girl.
"Why?" Harry asked.
"Here in Japan is common use to give linked names to family members. As you'll fake you'll be my daughters and I am a vampire usually called Eva, that sounds like Eve, your fake names come from Succubi named in the Zohar, with Hermione renamed after Naamah, the mother of divination." Evangeline explained. "After all, she flunked that course at Hogwarts..."
"WHY DID YOU TRANSFORMED ME IN A GIRL?"
"Because nobody would ever expect it Don't worry, if you leave the school grounds the spell will fade and you'll get your manhood back."
"I see... Look! The Thousand Master!"
Evangeline looked at Harry.
"Do I actually look that stupid?" Evangeline asked. "Come on, try and escape, I won't stop you."
Harry did so.
"You stay here?" Evangeline asked Hermione.
"Why are you so sure we can't escape?" she replied.
"Magic."
"Then I stay here."
Harry ran. He didn't trust Evangeline to not pursue, and ran as fast as he could. Then he passed a bridge.
"WHAT THE HELL?"
And found himself in a classroom where a HUGE group of girls was trying to undress a redhead who looked like Harry in his first year with different eyes, a black-haired boy with dog ears standing ON THE WALL and a boy with white hair.
"Eisheth, meet Class 3-A. 3-A, Eishet McDowell." Evangeline said from a desk in the class.
"HI, EISHETH!"
Evangeline pinched Harry's ear and led him/her back to her cottage while explaining that Hermione and him were under the Infernus Scholasticus curse. Meaning that every time they left the school grounds without authorization from the headmaster they would find themselves in their classroom.
"Now, will you get your lessons?" Evangeline asked.
"Yes..." was the answer, Harry finally giving up. "What were they doing?"
"Don't worry, they do it all the time, but Negi, Kotaro and Fate were never molested more than that. It's a sort of tradition. And yes, they're a bit crazy."
(1)It will be noted that Evangeline knows well Scotland's people: in 2007 two people actually attacked the Glasgow International Airport with an explosive car. After their car struck the security bollards, one was lucky enough to be simply dogpiled by the witnesses before being arrested by the policeman he tried to attack, but the other, aflame, was struck down by a passing baggage handler with the father of all crotch attacks (the kicker was awarded the Queen's Gallantry Medal) and left burning (he later died in hospital). Currently British people is still laughing at the surviving one.
Author note
OK, why Evangeline should hum a song of the Metallica? Well, I heard a theory she was the one commissioning the song as her own theme... Still, don't expect more modern songs related to her, she's just too much of divine punishment.
