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The Continued List of "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Specifically Directed to the Marauders' and/or Weasley Twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

51. Bewitching the first years to threaten to jump off the Astronomy Tower made Professor Slughorn hyperventilate. So stop.

52. Professor Snape does not appreciate his hair turning canary yellow in the corridors. And trust me, it was creepy and that poor third-year Ravenclaw is STILL in the hospital wing.

53. Students who are studying for the O.W.L.s do not like to be told that Peeves will be over viewing their exams. And Peeves does not need to hear that either.

54. Mr. Finnigan has trouble with accidently exploding potions, and/or feathers. Putting a game of Exploding Snap in his cauldron does not help.

55. Nor does asking him where his eyebrows are.

56. The Boogey Monster does not reside in the Shrieking Shack.

57. Or the Headmaster's office.

58. Myself and Professor Flitwick are not secret lovers. Neither are myself and Professor Snape, Slughorn, Dumbledore, Sprout or Hooch. And even if Dumbledore and I were, we wouldn't tell you.

59. Gellert Grindelwald did not get "Pwned" by Dumbledore in 1945. He was defeated.

60. He was not "owned", either. Repeat, defeated.

61. Calling Lord Voldemort "The Man Who Lost to a Drooling Infant in Diapers" is not appropriate.

62. Neither is "Michael Jackson's Secret Lover". Who is Michael Jackson, anyway?

63. Mr. Black, I don't care if your brother is a "huge Voldywarts fan", his underwear does not belong on the giant squid.

64. The Quidditch pitch is used for Quidditch. Not for your reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

65. And just because I sound Scottish does not mean Mr. Wood is my illegitimate child.

66. Nor is Mr. Finnigan.

67. Nor is Professor Moody. That's just insulting to both of us.

68. When you report to my office Mr. Black, for Career Meetings, do not tell me that you want to be a werewolf when you grow up. Mr. Lupin does not find it funny.

69. This applies to Mr. Potter also.

70. Do you know something, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley? I will scratch your eyes out if you make one more reference to my Animagus abilities.

71. Pokémon are not real animals. Hagrid not need to be told they are, either.

72. Professor Dumbledore is not Gandalf. Stop shouting "You shall not pass!" every time you see him.

73. This goes double at the opening feast.

74. Ms. Evans does not want to see you when she goes home for the summer holidays, Mr. Potter. And tying yourself to the top of her trunk under your Invisibility Cloak isn't going to change her mind.

75. Suggesting that rule number 74 is out of my jurisdiction because it takes place on the Hogwarts Express will only earn you a detention. If you can do magic, I can punish you.

76. Mr. Snape is not in love with Professor Flitwick. He did not proclaim his love for him on his own accord, and denying it doesn't make you any less guilty.

77. Just because Professor Moody and Professor Trelawney both have a tendency to predict dark and dangerous times does not mean they are dating.

78. That last rule is in effect for the simple reason I have respect for Alastor Moody, and I am not going to lose it with that horrible crack-pot theory.

79. If you ever attempt to prove me wrong on that, I warn you, I will go ballistic.

80. "I was bored" is not a sensible reason to take any course of action involving five gallons of Butterbeer, a house elf, and a pair of ruby slippers.

81. Mr. Aberforth does not like insinuations about his minor goat scandal 15 years ago.

82. Nor does he like being asked if he can read or not. Professor Dumbledore was joking when he made that comment.

83. I think.

84. Sneaking into the Hufflepuff common room and then telling me you were looking for the Batcave is not ok. Why the Hufflepuff common room, I might ask?

85. Your friend Mr. Jordan may be ok with it, but replacing his voice halfway through a Quidditch game with Dobby's is just weird.

86. Mr. Longbottom may be in love, but putting a banner in the Great Hall saying "Frank and Alice Shall Have Children" is creepy.

87. Mr. Creevey is not to be offered allowance to photograph Mr. Potter in his shower. He will take you up on the offer.

89. You are not allowed to sing the Hogwarts school song in the corridors. Only Dumbledore likes that atrocious piece of music.

90. "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" is not good either. While it is a nice song, Hogwarts is located in Scotland, and King's Cross in England.

91. Our Beauxbatons guests are not there for you to drool over. Nor shall they be addressed as such.

92. Weasley twins', you are not the Marauders'. You are separate entities, although I have considered that you are sent from Hell simply for the purpose to torment me.

93. I don't like the color pink. You are aware of this fact, and still proceed to dye my office that awful color. Why not burgundy, boys?

94. Mr. Filch is annoying enough as it is. Stop hexing him in every corridor to sing me poetry.

95. Mrs. Norris is an evil cat, I know, but she doesn't belong in a suit of armor.

96. Nor does she belong in the Black Lake.

97. The Chamber of Secrets does not hold Salazar Slytherin's secret stash of tacos.

98. Just because Mr. Lupin tells you that it is possible, doesn't mean you should hijack a Muggle rocketship and attempt to fly to the moon, Mr. Black

99. If you are thinking it, it's not legal.

100. You have driven me this far. Stop before I throw myself off a cliff.