Things Destro Never Thought He'd Say On A Phone

By The Child Of Silence

Warnings: Pure Crack, and Stupidity. May or may not be humorous, but guaranteed to be moronic.

Disclaimer: You guessed it! Still not mine!

I have no idea how Call Center works so, yea. Never really called one before. Enjoy! Also, I have been infected with a very deadly disease...


The phone was slammed down with more force then necessary, a crack forming up its spine. The hand gripping it began to constrict, seeming to wish for the phone's demise. Destro could feel his blood pressure shooting through the roof. Those stupid fools! How dare they keep making these ridiculous phone calls! He had told them that this line was for emergencies only! A notepad lay open on top of his desk, inviting him forward to write upon its empty pages.

Slowly, the chrome domed man reached out a hand to pick up a nearby pen, that just so happened to be his pen of many emotions. He examined it, the purple coloured ink, the silver sparkles that came out with the ink... So peaceful... Then, the notebook, beckoning him to spill all his frustration into it.

The door was locked, the phone disconnected. Destro was ready.

I, James McCullen, aka Destro, am surrounded by an endless ocean of fools! Everyday I get the most ridiculous phone calls, most from the supposed "leader" of our group. If it wasn't for me, I doubt this organization would exist. Well, if you took away Baroness, then the organization would be non-existent. You probably don't believe me, but I do have proof. And let me show you this proof by recording some of the most ridiculous phone calls I have ever received!

August 14, 2- - -, 5:36 pm

"Hello? This is James speaking. May I help?" Okay, I admit. We're living in hard times, and even I am feeling the recession. So, I took a job at a Call Center. Worst mistake of my life.

"'Ello James! I'm Torch- er, Phil. I was wonderin' if you happen to know how to fix a laptop." I blinked. Technical problems weren't in my division.

"I'm sorry "Phil", but I can't help you. May I connect you over to the Technical department?"

"No! I've been on hold for over half an hour, and got into an argument with some Indian guy, who directed me here! Ya gotta help me! I broke my boss's laptop while watching Doria! Zartan's gunna kill me!" Oh. This fool. I cleared my throat.

"Well, Torch. Telling your problems to me won't help you. You watch Doria?" Torch must have finally clued into who I am, because I was answered with a dial tone.

Now, I feel like I'm going to far into my private life, and in this business, that's a very dangerous thing. Plus, I'm not in the mood to be stalked again. So, I'll just put it to a punch line. The following would make no sense if I told you the actual story either.

"Commander, you can do it. Come on, push! Push! Push God dammit!" ... "Speaker phone?"

"Hi, yes, animal control? Yes, I have a problem animal." ... "No, I swear, Torch is REALLY not a human!" Beeeeeep. "Hello?"

"Commander... Why did you order the penguin exhibit?"

"Commander? Commander? Commander? Wait? Who's Kurt? Mercedes? No, I didn't know the baby wasn't Finn's."

"Buzz Saw, put the camel down."

"... I won? Really! A vacation! Where too?" ... "Nice pun Commander. I really appreciate it."

"HOW MANY TURKEYS?"

"Wait... What colour did you dye it?"

"I don't care what you say! I refuse to support this madness!" ... "But I don't wanna watch The Little Mermaid..."

"No! Absolutely not!" ... "Fine... But I'm still not watching it."

"Baroness, love, won't you put on some pants?"

"Zartan, you have to put on pants to."

"Storm Shadow, how much alcohol have you ingested?" ... "No. I just thought because..." ... "Oh. Well tell Dorothy I say hi."

"Damnit! You didn't record it for me?" ... "Right. So I can watch it on Fox's website?" ... "Don't spoil it for me!"

"-Sniff-... I told you... It's just so sad!" ... "I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPOIL IT!"

"Who is this?" ... "Adam Lambert?" ... "Oh. My. God. I love your song Whataya want from me!" ... "Shut up!" (Note: I was intoxicated at the time, and no, I don't have a Adam Lambert shrine in my closet. I swear, someone put that there.)

"Tying Zartan to a tree won't catch a unicorn." ... "Trust me on this, Commander. I've tried."

"You hung yourself out of the 69th floor?" ... "Yes, I get it."

"He won't let you redraw our insignia." ... "I'm sure of it." ... "Well, ducks aren't just as fierce."

"The phone's in your pants?"

"F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and me. N is for anywhere and anytime. Down here in the deep blue sea. "

"You stole a beaver?"

"Where did the green bean go?"

"I thought I told you the Green Giant is not underground."

"Just, find the snake before Mindbender does. We don't need a repeat of the snail fiasco."

"I told you that wasn't a nice place for a piercing."

"I don't care how much you get for him, you can't sell the Commander on eBay!"

"You're wearing pantyhose?" ... "Owch."

"If you call in dead, you better be dead."

"I hope you are wearing clothes this time." ... "Who?"

"Why are you calling me from China?" ... "Well, if you really did that to my toothbrush, you better go live with the Joes."

"The Joes are attacking? With noodles?"

"See? I told you not to put silly string next to his nasal spray." ... "Yes, he's not much of a morning person if he mistakes it as nasal spray."


Yes... I have Gleeitis... Meaning... I am now a Gleek, and will be dragged away from the world of G. I. Joe. ._. But more plot bunnies are blooming... Should I continue this?