I fiddled with my keys at the door of my apartment. Here I was, alone as always. Or, I should say, for the time being. Mulder would be here at 7:00, although I could not help but wonder how early he would arrive. It's not like he was busy either.
The key finally went in, and I quickly opened then shut the door behind me. I was not sure how excited I was to help pursue an "army rogue" as Mulder had called him.
How would our case report read? My major benefit to Mulder was to make the X-Files seem logical and believable. A story from an ex-army general would be filled with negative psychological factors. And did Mulder forget we worked for the government? They would not be interested in the point of view from someone who went against them and their policies. This would not end well.
Then again, when did the X-Files ever end up on a positive note? We were the laughing stock of our peers.
It was debatable on who I felt worse for: Mulder, because it was the work he truly loved, or me, who was assigned to aid him. I had no regrets in the slightest. My time spent with him was worth it. But, from the perspective of the others, I had to guess that they thought to themselves,"Poor Dana Scully. Fox Mulder drug her life down the crazy tubes just like did with his own."
Maybe I was just as crazy for loving him. Who knows? But it's not like I could do anything about it. A part of me felt content in our close relationship, for the most part. I was not unhappy where we were with each other.
I could most definitely be happier, though.
When I consider my last romantic partner, in comparison to the present one (if I could be so bold as to suggest Mulder in that way), who was the only one I would want to spend my future with, I see similar aspects.
Daniel was a strong man. He was an intellectual. That was something I found attractive first and foremost. He had a caring nature about him, but he always held control over me as if he knew what was best for me. It was like he thought only he had the solution to any issues of mine that would arise. I did not bicker with him as I do now with Mulder. I suppose Daniel's controlling ways made me into the independent woman that I am today. He did not, however, expect me to abide by what he said. I would never want to paint the picture that he was a masochistic pig. His domination was only to better me as a person. That was his main goal, and it's a trait I've yet to find in Mulder.
But, then again, Daniel was older than me by some years. I suppose his maturity set the bar. That his intentions to better me were so that I could live my life easier than he did at my age. But, if I never made my own mistakes, there would never be any way for me to grow as an individual. By wanting to make my decisions and fight my battles for me, he could have taken my identity away. Or, the state it was in then.
Considering the subject matter, it's worth mention that I did know our intimacy was wrong. There is no way to deny that. But it was hot, intense, and passionate. And, of course, there was love. If I had not loved him, there was no way I would have risked so much. It doesn't make it right in hindsight, and I know that more now than I did then, but it was true. He was the first person I burned for... I would shudder at a mere touch. The sexual encounters we had in his office...God...are all things that run through my mind every once in a while.
To dwell on the issue would be ridiculous. It was my choice to leave him, and I have no regrets for that. But, there are certain occasions where, when I find myself thinking of him, I have to ponder how different my professional life would have been. Daniel was a factor in my decision to leave the medical field. To think "What if...?" is not a way to live, but if I did not stop to think of it once in a while, I would surely go insane.
And that's when Mulder enters the equation, although we could easily say he has one all his own. He and I have a different relationship obviously, and the main one is because he is an entirely different person.
But then again, so am I. The wishful young lady that loved a married man was not the same woman who met Mulder at the FBI. Some may call it pessimistic, but I call it having a grip on reality.
Mulder is a strong man as well. But, in a much different sense of the word. He's strong in his quiet disposition. Of course, he had his over-confident moments, that I assumed he played for either humor or to impress someone, but his true nature is humble.
As I said before, he and I bicker. There is a part of Mulder that respects and values my opinion in the highest form. It took me a few years to realize that, and once I did, I knew I was in deep. He would never try to control me, though he did stretch his power from time to time, but he always returned back to his original position. He and I were equals.
When I think it through more thoroughly, I see the biggest similarity between them both.
They were both far out of my reach.
Easily tamed, perhaps, but both forbidden.
My time spent with Daniel may be the biggest reason I refuse to pursue a relationship with Mulder. I had done wrong once, but to do it again would be ignorance on my part. It was against protocol for two agents to be together. I played that phrase over and over while we sat in that cramped office, or when we spent nights together in hotel rooms that adjoined, and hell, even the car rides.
But, there is so much less standing between Mulder and I than there was with Daniel. I know that he and I love each other wholly. He is...simply right for me. The term "soul mate" is ridiculously cheesy and stale, but if I were one to believe in that sort of thing, well, it's Mulder.
For most women, coming to that understanding is a relief. For me, it's a burden.
The reason I play things with such ferocity to remain by the book and straight-edge, is that in all honesty it's the only way I feel that I can be normal. It gives me a sense of control.
So, as I waited for Mulder, after having thoughts as I just did, I sighed out loud in my solitude. And he would never know.
I cringed when I thought of working at a time like this. I wanted to relax, not play cat and mouse with The Gunmen over how to get in touch with this "rogue". But, at least Mulder would be happy.
I heard a knock on my door. When I got up and looked through the hole, there he was, in the same outfit as he wore to work, only the jacket was left off the suit and his tie was nonexistent.
He grinned at me, and I suppressed a laugh while I opened the door.
"Scully!" He said, like a child.
"Who else were you expecting?" I said, with a roll of my eyes as I locked the door behind me. That was a legitimate question.
But, he was happy with my presence. That fact alone never ceased to amaze me.
