California was very different from Tennessee. I could tell that right off the bat; there were no country stores with t-shirts bearing profane slogans about girls, beer, hunting, fishing, or any combination of the above. No pancake houses where al l of the waitresses called you by your first name. Nowhere to run around laughing in the streets, no small towns, and no southern hospitality. Maybe LA was a bad place to judge the entire state of California on, with the brisk lifestyle and slight uptightness of the people there.
It was loud and crazy, filled with horns honking and people yelling at each other. The whole city was packed, people everywhere. Rich people in fancy clothes, college-age artists talking on a park bench with expensive cameras and casual clothes, and little kids with their parents, running around like they were in a candy store occupied the streets, making me stare intently out the window whenever my family took me anywhere. I'd been to visit Alex in England a few times, which was cool, but it was nothing like this. We passed vendors and musicians and too many things to count.
And yet somehow, I managed to fall asleep in the car.
Jack was driving, arguing with Alex, who was seated in the passenger seat he'd practically had to fight Rian for, over music.
I sighed to myself – the famous Jack and Alex bickering had already begun – and Rian heard. He smiled at me as I laid my head back on the seat. I was exhausted from the flight, even though it had only been a little bit over four hours.
I closed my eyes and listened to the guys fight; for some reason, this comforted me. It was just like I wanted it to be, my cousin and his best friends that (other than Jack) I'd only met once, all of us close already again.
I let myself start down the long staircase in my head that led to my happy place, trying to forget home and all the problems that surrounded me there.
I was out before I got halfway down the stairs.
***
Alex's house was almost an hour from the airport, so I had just enough time to get into a sleep deep enough to make me annoyed to be woken up.
I opened my eyes to find, embarrassingly enough, my head on Rian's shoulder as he gently shook me awake. "Hey, Rae… wake up. We're home."
I glanced tiredly at him, barely lifting my head, and then burrowed deeper into him.
"Rae," he said, almost laughing. "No. Get up."
"Rae, come on. You can go back to sleep when we get inside, I swear," Alex said, and I felt cooler as his shadow landed on my face.
"No," I moaned, refusing to open my eyes.
"Rae, come on," Alex said. "We're not gonna leave you here."
"I'll get her," someone said, and I recognized Zack's voice.
"No, you don't have to," Alex said. "She's a big girl; she can get up by herself."
I shook my head, letting the drifts of unconsciousness take me under bit by bit. The only thing keeping me awake was the talking.
"Rae," Alex said again.
"Shut up," I said sleepily, and Rian laughed.
"Ooh, feisty."
"You shut up, too," I added, my voice fading to nothing at the end, and I could feel the words running together. I was too exhausted for this. I didn't care if they left me in the car, as long as they'd leave me alone so I could sleep.
I felt hands pulling me off Rian and lifting me up, steadily carrying me. I snuggled into this warm person and finally allowed myself to dream again.
***
When I woke the next time, it was because I'd slept myself out. Sunlight was filtering through the curtains and streaming into the room, and I had the feeling I'd been asleep for a very long time. My joints didn't want to work, and I was drenched in cold sweat.
I lay in bed for over twenty minutes, my mind floating over various things, mostly living through the horrors of what had happened to me in the past, but my stomach growled suddenly, pulling me back into the present.
I looked down at my wrists, the scars I'd covered them with contrasted deeply with my skin, the deep red so dark. To me, each scar told a story of exactly what I'd been through; I could tell you which cuts were from what, because I'd had so many that I could tell, for the most part, how long they'd been there.
I sighed, getting up and kneeling by my bag to pick out one of the multiple long-sleeved shirts I'd packed – I wasn't risking these boys finding out anything; they were my family now. It was January now, so it wasn't like I didn't have a good reason.
I went downstairs to the kitchen. The aroma of chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese was strong, almost overwhelming. I had to compose myself before going through the doorway, because it had been so long since I'd had a family to make me food. I pulled my hair up into a classic Rae-bun, took one last deep breath, and walked into the kitchen.
"She's up!" Alex announced, though everyone could obviously already see me. Aunt Tanya jumped up and ran over to wrap me up in a huge hug.
"Rae! Sweetie! How are you? Is everything okay? My, you're so thin!"
I laughed at her already crazy stream of questions, but not without glowing at the compliment. Tanya was one of the nicest people I'd ever met in my entire life, and she made the biggest effort to make everyone feel completely comfortable and at home, which, with her, I already did.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied out of habit – I was a Southern girl, and 'sir' or 'ma'am' is tacked onto absolutely everything we say.
"Rae, 'yes' is fine. How many years have I told you that?" she asked kindly. Turning to the boys she added, "And 'ma'am' makes me feel old."
Alex laughed.
"You're hot, Mrs. Gaskarth," Jack yelled, and everyone cracked up. We all knew Jack had a weird obsession with Alex's mom. She loved it.
"Thank you, Jack," she smiled, winking at him.
He swooned openly, and that just made us all laugh harder.
"Mom, the oven's smoking," Alex commented casually.
She turned around worriedly, but he was only kidding. She came over and whacked him with a dish towel, setting the largest pot of macaroni and cheese on the table that I've ever seen. The guys dug in, fighting over who got the spoon first.
I just waited my turn, but it got ugly, as I was sitting between Alex and Jack. Soon, though, both of them were content, eating happily. I took a small spoonful and poked at it a bit, wondering how she would react to whatever excuse I made for not eating. I'd just tell her I was still tired from the plane.
When the chicken fingers came, I didn't even take one. I was too scared that I'd snap and eat it. Alex looked at me, confused, as I didn't immediately reach for one of the steaming pieces. Tanya's chicken was delicious. My mouth watered at the smell, but I shook my head. "I'm not really hungry," I said. He stared at me, waiting. I sighed, smiling. "Yes, you can have mine."
"Yes!"
When everyone finished, we started clearing the dishes. "It was great, Tanya," I said, smiling. And it was true – the few noodles of macaroni that I'd eaten were fantastic.
Alex scoffed.
Don't say anything, Alex, please don't say anything…
Like you would know," he said. He turned to his mom. "She didn't even eat anything."
"I had macaroni," I said defensively, glaring at Alex. He shrank under my watch, something that surprised me. They say anorexics are mean, but that kind of hurt me.
Tanya looked at me, concerned. "Weren't you hungry?" she asked.
"Not really," I said. "Still kinda tired."
She nodded. "Maybe later then? Tell me if you want anything, okay?"
I nodded. What she didn't know was that I was starving right then.
