She stood on Earth, unarmed and in the dark gray military-issue jumpsuits she always wore during Basic. The world around her burned, black and dead illuminated by tendrils of flame.
You cannot stop us, Shepard.
Her head shot up and green eyes scanned the sky. Thick, black clouds rolled through the air; she couldn't see anything. Where was that voice coming from?
Your worlds will become our laboratories.
The deep growl resonated behind her. She whipped around, gun in hand. Where did she get a gun? Who cared, no point in looking a gun-horse in the mouth. On pure instinct, she leveled it and dropped the safety. Was that Harbinger's "voice?"
You have merely delayed the inevitable.
A figure emerged from the smoke. She emerged from the smoke, disfigured and broken. Red cybernetic eyes glowed beneath green pupils and bright orange scars dug deep into her skin. It was like looking into a mirror from hell. "Who are you? What do you want?"
Assuming control of this form.
Like a puppet on a string, the other her began to twitch and convulse; arms and legs jerked around as a helpless scream screeched. Panic set in and she ran in the opposite direction, into the smoke…only to be stopped short when she collided with someone. Her heart stopped in her chest. It was Kaidan, but it wasn't Kaidan. He was…deformed like the other. Scars, glowing eyes. "Kaidan, what the hell? Are you okay?" He stared at her with a blank expression. "Talk to me!"
You cannot resist.
That was definitely Harbinger's voice. "No!" She reached for 'Kaidan' and began to drag him along with her. "You are not taking him." They almost immediately reached another clearing of the mist. In the center stood Ashley, covered in burns. Half of her armor was melted off, the rest fused to her skin. Bone and flesh protruded from gashes. Exactly how she would have looked…after Virmire…
All the blood rushed from her face, a cold chill rippling down her body. Shock and bile churned in her stomach as she watched Ashley clench a bony fist. Guilt wracked her as her knees gave out, body tumbling to the ground. "I'm sorry, Ash. I…I didn't want to leave you behind."
Ashley stood still, staring at her. Angry. Accusing. Silent. Her eyes slowly shifted from Shepard to the scarred Kaidan standing behind her. Horrified realization dawned. "No! No, I didn't go back to the bomb because of me and Kaidan!" She stood back up, holding a hand out to her friend. The memory of watching the nuclear device detonate on Virmire flashed through her mind, that sick feeling creeping up her throat. She barely managed to whisper, "Ash, you know me better than that. I wouldn't… No! Please believe me."
The only response she received was a slow turning of the back as Ashley walked away from the two of them. Panic, frustration, fear, confusion; they all faded away. All that was left was emptiness. Did Ash actually feel that way? She had to know Shepard wouldn't do that. She'd gladly have taken Ash's place if it meant they both could have survived…
And now you stand alone, Shepard.
No. No, she wasn't alone. She couldn't be. Not as long as she had Kaidan. She turned and reached for him, only to grasp air. He was gone? Where did he go? Did Harbinger take him? Her legs carried her back into the mist, arms trying to wave it away. "Kaidan! Where are you?"
Without warning, she tripped over something and fell to the ground in a heap of limbs. Looking back, her stomach fell through the floor. It was Kaidan. Kaidan, not some…cybernetic version of him. Kaidan…from back on Mars. Bruised, beaten. Dead? No! She rushed to check his breathing, his pulse; nothing. Kaidan was dead? No. No, no, no… This wasn't happening. It wasn't!
She pulled his head into her lap. "Kaidan, wake up. Wake up!" Fingers peeled eyelids back, empty brown eyes staring up at her. Shepard frantically shook him, gravity pulling his dead weight off her legs. "You can't be dead, I saved you on Mars. Remember the Citadel? We talked after you woke up." Anger bubbled up from the sick feeling in her stomach. She yelled, refusing to believe it. "You can't be dead! I saved you! Wake up, god damn it!"
You will know pain, Shepard.
A faint groan and movement jarred him out of blissfully dreamless sleep. Wait, where was he? It took a few moments for Kaidan's eyes to adjust and brain to kick in gear. He was in a bed and…who was next to h– Oh, Kaelia… Lia?
He leaned back and watched the woman in his arms with concern as she grunted and fought against an invisible foe. Clearly she was having a nightmare, but this one seemed different from the dreams she used to have after the cipher. Those were quiet, pained sounds; whimpering and light tossing in bed. This was…not the same. An already stressed but beautiful face was twisted with anger, arms softly pounding against his chest. What was wrong?
It was never in question if the woman behind Commander Shepard could handle the burden of command; she was born to do it. But the more Kaidan had gotten close to her, saw past the façade, he had begun to realize that there were certain things that still cut her deep. He knew that her childhood on the streets didn't bother her for the most part, but the thought of being out in the cold all night made her more irritable than most. She could handle being ordered around, but not being in control of a situation drove her mad. The cipher she willingly burned into her mind – "it was necessary," she told him – haunted her for weeks. Nightmares plagued the woman, cutting into her sleep and stressing her out.
She had given up everything to fight the Reapers: any chance at normalcy, her reputation, letting her mind be her own…even her own life. It didn't matter how much he tried back when they were on the original Normandy; she was too much in control of it all. The best he could do was support her in whatever decision she made and hope it was enough. That was years ago, though, and he had grown since then. They were both Spectres, and he actually outranked her this time. The stakes were higher than ever, and as he tried to pull her close, hands soothingly running over her hair and back, Kaidan realized just how much she was shouldering by herself. He had to push her to share some of it. With him, if no one else.
"Hey. Lia, wake up." He pulled his arm from under Kaelia and the loss of support finally woke her with a start. "It was just a dream. I'm here." Wide eyes stared at him as she reached to touch his face. She looked like she couldn't believe he was there. It must have been a bad one.
Everything shifted and she was ripped back to consciousness. What had…who was with her? A bleary, wide eyed blink later, Kaidan swam into focus. Kaidan…was here? Her fingers lifted and brushed his cheek. He was real. She stared at his lips, feeling the breath escape them. He was alive. It was only a dream.
Ash flashed through her mind again, guilt gripping her. The concerned look he gave her made it all the worse; she tried to twist around and hope that he wouldn't press her, but she couldn't even move. He had her firmly in place.
"Are you okay?" Brown eyes searched her face, worried. Of all the damn nights to have a bad nightmare, it had to be tonight. Her mind couldn't even let her have one calm night, safe in his arms.
She shook her head and lowered her eyes to his chest, the one safe area she could get lost in. "Nightmare." That single word couldn't possibly encompass whatever just happened. It was the worst one yet. She'd never had one that bad before; usually it was watching helplessly as Earth burned or the Normandy was destroyed, but that? That dream actually shook her to the core. She hadn't dreamt of Ash in a long time, and the…mechanical her and Kaidan? What the hell was that?
Kaidan sighed and pulled her close, gently smooshing her face against his shoulder. The feel of his lips pressing against her temple grounded her far more than she wanted to admit. "It was just a dream. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Everything's going to be fine."
It was just a dream. He wasn't going anywhere and she would be safe with him. But everything was not going to be fine. She wanted to believe him, but knew it wasn't true. There had already been sacrifices since the Reapers arrived, all of them out of her control: the countless people left on Earth, the Primarch's son, Thane…Mordin. Optimism aside, they both knew things were only going to get worse from here on out. Every decision she made, every single act of defiance against the Reapers, would affect more lives. Either of them could die at any moment. Years ago when Kaidan asked how she was dealing with Ash's death, she told him that she would do better next time, in their friend's memory. "Better" wasn't cutting it anymore.
His fingers began to massage into her back, derailing her thoughts. After taking a deep breath, his spicy and familiar scent brought a small measure of peace. Shepard decided that now was the time for blind faith. There were only four people in the galaxy whose word she would trust on the battlefield, no matter how ridiculous it sounded: Hackett, Anderson, Kaidan and Garrus. There was only one person she trusted enough to let him lie to her. Years ago during the Normandy's lockdown, she had pleaded with him to lie to her and tell her that everything was going to be alright. As that man held her tightly once again, she closed her eyes and let herself believe him a second time.
Everything was going to be fine.
A/N: As a random little 'disclaimer' so to speak, I'm not a believer in the Indoctrination Theory. I wrote this purely as a nightmare personifying all of the things that haunt my Shepard, loss being the biggest. After reading it a few times (thanks to my lovely beta reader, dorothytu's, great guidance) I realized that some may think I was going in that direction. If it floats your boat to read it that way, have a field day; but it wasn't my personal intention. :) Either way, I hope you enjoyed my little piece. Thank you for reading! ^_^
