A/N: I'm happy that the first chapter was so well received. I hope the second is just as enjoyable. Now, on to the next battle.
Battle of Hu Lao Gate
The end of the Yellow Turban Rebellion brought brief peace to the land, but the wounds inflicted on the Han were too great to heal. The warlord Dong Zhuo took advantage of the chaos brought about by the ten eunuchs and seized power in the capital. With his formidable army, hardened by many battles on the Northern frontiers, and the indomitable warrior Lu Bu, he had the capital of Luoyang in a vice. Deposing the rightful heir, he installed Emperor Xian as a puppet ruler, holding all the true power himself. This did not bode over well with the other warlords and soon a coalition was formed to remove the tyrant from power. Alas, the coalition that should have worked well in theory was in reality a disaster…
"I am going to lead the vanguard!" announced Sun Jian.
"Over my dead body!" growled Yuan Shu.
"Hey, you want a piece of this?" Sun Jian towered over the smaller man.
"Would both of you settle down! We haven't even decided on a battle strategy yet." Yuan Shao gave both of them death stares.
"Hey who died and made you Chancellor?" someone called out.
"Yeah, when was the last time you won a battle?" screamed someone else.
"Nice goatee, asswhipe!"
"You suck!"
"Shutupppp!" Wen Chou slammed his spear on the ground and the commotion died down instantly.
"Thank you, Wen Chou." Yuan Shao breathed a sigh of relief.
"No prob."
"Now then, have all the Generals been assembled?" he continued.
"No, we're still waiting on Cao Cao." said Gongsun Zan, leaning lazily on his arm.
"What?" Yuan Shao's face filled with rage, "Where's that bastard anyway? Fetch him immediately!"
At the edge of the camp, Cao Cao marched along the well trodden path inspecting his troops. His was the smallest of all the armies. Not that it mattered. Soldiers barely did anything anyway. Still, as a General it was his duty to make sure they were ready for battle.
"Ping!" he called out, glaring at a disheveled soldier. "You're a disgrace, private! Your face is so blurry I can barely make out your eyes. Clean yourself up!"
"I'm not Ping, I'm Pong, sir." The soldier said nervously.
"I'm Ping, sir." A man two lines down called out.
"Ping, Pong, Jing, Jong, you all look the same to me!" barked Cao Cao.
"Someone call for Jong?" A third soldier tilted his head.
"No, I think he said Jing." said the man next to him.
"Forget it! From now on no more names. You're all going to be called private!"
"But I'm a lieutenant!" cried Ping.
"Argh! Fine, the officers will be called by their ranks."
"What about the Guard Captains?" asked a soldier with a shield.
Cao Cao ignored him and moved on. Soldiers were always a pain in the ass, especially the ones who could talk. The statue ones, Cao Cao didn't mind, they were usually the first to die. He didn't bother getting attached.
"Lord Cao Cao!" a soldier rushed up to him.
"What is it?"
"Yuan Shao summons you to his war council."
"Very well."
The "war council" was a complete mess by the time Cao Cao arrived. He had sent soldiers to wake up his officers and had rushed to the meeting by himself. The sight that greeted him was unexpected…
Sun Jian had Yuan Shu bent over his knee and was spanking him with the flat of his sword. "Never! Insult! My! Mother!"
"Ahhh! Someone help me!" screamed Yuan Shu, but the others were also preoccupied.
"I'm telling you a head on attack is retarded!" screamed Gongsun Zan.
"Oh and I suppose we should just pile into a large wooden horse, drive it up to the gate, and have them take us inside?" parried Yuan Shao.
"I propose we blow it up!" suggested Tao Qian.
"Tao, that's your answer for everything…" sighed Liu Bei.
"I propose we blow it up!" said Tao Qian in the same tone.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Cao Cao, his eyes wide at the sight before him.
Zhang Fei rubbed his temples, "What isn't wrong with him?"
"Alright ladies, enough squabbling!" announced Cao Cao. "Let's get to work!"
Everyone sat at the council table as if nothing had happened. With the exception of Yuan Shu who was busy rubbing his bottom.
Cao Cao resumed, "Now, Hu Lao gate is an impenetrable fortress. Guarded by more men then there are at the opening of a new bawdyhouse, led by the greatest warrior in all of china. Any suggestions?"
"I propose we blow it up!"
"That's nice Tao," said Cao Cao. "Any other suggestions?"
"I recommend we send a small force to scout the perimeter and determine the enemy's positions. I volunteer to lead!" said Sun Jian with a smile.
"Very well, let's try that." ordered Yuan Shao.
Sun Jian's soldiers didn't get far before a massive army blocked their path. At the head of the force rode a massive warrior atop an equally massive steed. The warrior galloped forward and pointed his monstrous halberd at Sun Jian.
"Who goes there?"
"I am Sun Jian, Tiger of Jiangdong and General of the Coalition Army, and who may you be, elephant man?"
The warrior smirked, "I am the man with no name…Lu Bu! I'm also ridiculously overpowered in this battle so good luck trying to kill me!"
Sun Jian tried to appear serious but finally burst out laughing. "Pffft! Hahahaha! Lu Boobies? Hahaha! Did you make that name up?"
"No!" his face reddened. "My mother gave me that name!"
"Hahaha! I would hope so. If my father gave me a name like that, I'd die."
Lu Bu's eyes burned with rage. "That can be arranged…"
Back at Coalition Headquarters…
"Sun Jian sure has been gone a long time." Cao Cao wondered aloud.
"Yeah, I wonder what happened to him." said Yuan Shao.
"I propose we blow it up!"
"Someone burp him and put him to sleep already!" screamed Cao Cao.
Guan Yu patted Zhang Fei on the shoulder, much to his chagrin. "Ugh, I'm on it." he muttered.
Suddenly a voice that sounded like Sun Jian's announced: "I must retreat for now!"
"Damn, so much for that plan. Any other bright ideas?" asked Yuan Shao.
Cao Cao stood up, "It's clear that we have to launch a full offensive on Hu Lao gate!" Unfortunately due to a slip of the tongue, gate came out sounding like "gay".
"Who is this Hu Lao and why haven't we met?" called a flamboyant voice. Zhang He stood at the edge of the council tent in his finest purple outfit.
"Oh god, not him." muttered Gongsun Zan, burying his face in his hand. A murmur went through the crowd of officers.
"What's he doing here?"
"Weirdo!"
"My nipples still hurt from last time!"
"Ooh, have I come at a bad time?" asked Zhang He, folding his arms.
"Shutup everyone! This is a military meeting for god's sake!" bellowed Cao Cao.
Seeing Cao Cao, Zhang He rushed over to him and embraced him from behind and whispered in his ear, "You summoned me, my lorrrrrd?"
"Yes, I need you to batter down the enemy gate." said Cao Cao, nervously.
Zhang He blushed. "Not with all these people watching…"
"Wait, what?" Cao Cao reddened. "That's not what I meant!"
"Aww, is Su Su upset?" Zhang He pouted.
"It's Cao Cao!"
Yuan Shao laughed, "Do you two need some alone time, Su Su?"
Cao Cao fought out of Zhang He's embrace and glared at Yuan Shao. "Don't make fun of me, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard!"
"No, not Meili!" Yuan Shao cradled his beard defensively.
"Now, on to business. We will launch a massive coordinated assault. Zhang He, you'll take the vanguard and secure Hu Lao gate."
"My pleasurrrre." Purred Zhang He, and ran to his force.
Cao Cao continued, "I will lead my troops and Tao Qian's army to capture the Central Watchpost. Liu Bei and his sworn brothers will accompany me."
"All right, finally some action!" said Guan Yu.
"But what do we do with him?" asked Zhang Fei, rocking Tao Qian to sleep.
"Ugh, just put him on the carpet and let him sleep." said Liu Bei.
"Finally, Gongsun Zan and the rest of you jokers will advance on their supply bases and the Northeastern Watchpost. After the objectives are captured we regroup with Zhang He at Hu Lao gate. Any questions?"
"Yeah." Tao Qian sat up, "When do we blow it up?"
Hu Lao Gate
Zhang He's force was making excellent time. They had defeated a wave of soldiers and had managed to capture a tiny guard base. Despite the sluggishness of his soldiers and their short lifespan, Zhang He had great confidence in his mission.
"Did you know my cousin's name is Hu Lao?" asked one of the soldiers.
"Mmm, that's nice, hun." said Zhang He. Suddenly his vision darkened for a moment and he realized all too late they had walked into an ambush.
"Well well well, if it isn't the Coalition Army." Lu Bu towered over them and with a swing of his massive halberd killed five soldiers. He continued on his bloody rampage, decimating the rest of the unit.
Zhang He's eyes sparkled at the carnage. "What a marvelous display!" he exclaimed.
Seeing that Zhang He was the only one who remained Lu Bu charge at him screaming, "I'll kill you with my Sky Piercer!"
Zhang He blushed, "I looove big men with big weapons."
Lu Bu stopped in his tracks, reddening. 'I don't think he's talking about fighting.' He thought, aghast.
"Come here big boy!" Zhang He brandished his iron claw. "Me-oww!"
"What the–"
"Come on let's do this. Rawr Rawr!" Zhang He scratched at the air with his claw.
"I am so out of here." Lu Bu jumped on his Red Hare and galloped away.
"No wait, come back!" Zhang He sighed, "Why must they always run away?"
Meanwhile, the Coalition forces had captured all their objectives and began to march towards the gate. Seeing Lu Bu galloping away from Zhang He, Cao Cao gave chase.
"I challenge you!" he screamed, slashing at him with his sword. Lu Bu shrugged off the blows, the damage to his health miniscule.
"Piss off, Cao Cao!" sneered Lu Bu and rode onwards.
"Testicle Sauce!" cursed Cao Cao.
"Don't worry Cao Cao, I'll help out!" Zhang Fei cut off Lu Bu's retreat. "No more changing diapers for me. Zhang Fei is about to prove his worth!"
"Out of my way, bitch!" Lu Bu jumped off his horse and began a murderous combo attack that k.o'd Zhang Fei in three seconds.
"Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge?" he roared.
"Oh fuck, Guan Yu." gasped Liu Bei, "Without Zhang Fei, how can we triple team Lu Bu?"
"I have a suggestion." said Cao Cao, "But I'm not gonna like it…"
Lu Bu began to mount his horse when Liu Bei and Zhang Fei attacked him from the side, sending him flying. Jumping back on his feet in moments, and glowing red with rage, he began a new murderous combo aimed at Liu Bei. Guan Yu stepped in with a timely musou attack that threw Lu Bu back on the ground.
"So this is the greatest warrior in all of China?" Liu Bei shook his head.
"More like the dumbest warrior in all of China." said Guan Yu with a laugh.
"Got that right, bro! Derp derp derp!"
"Ahhh! I'll kill you all!" Lu Bu jumped to his feet.
Just at that moment Cao Cao attacked from behind, running him over with his horse. Dismounting quickly, he launched a built up musou attack.
"Take this and that! And this! And that! And this and that and this and that and some of this and that and fucking son of a fucking bitch! Fucking take that! Take it! Take it! Take ittttt–"
"Cao Cao, relax! He's k.o.'d!" yelled Liu Bei.
"Huh, what?" Cao Cao panted, continuing to swing at the air before suddenly ejaculating, "My ambition cannot be stopped!"
"See. He's been defeated. You won." Liu Bei smiled.
"Heh, I guess we did it. Did he take it?" Cao Cao panted.
"He sure did." said Guan Yu.
"Hey, we make a pretty good team. I'm sure we'll be great friends from here on out. Say, you want to be sworn brothers Cao Cao?" asked Liu Bei.
"But there's three of us already!" exclaimed Guan Yu.
"And I'm not comfortable with being the brother of a man with identical first and last names!" voiced Zhang Fei from purgatory.
"You guys!" Liu Bei frowned. "We're a big family. There's always room for one more."
Cao Cao scratched his head, thinking to himself, 'Weirdos.'
"Oh boys!" came the lilting voice of Zhang He. "The gate is wide open." He added in a whisper. "Just like me."
"Wait that means…" Cao Cao was silenced as he and every other officer disappeared and Zhang He was left dancing in the center of the battlefield, swinging his iron claw with jubilation.
"Yippee, I won. Cosmos all around!"
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