The morning could have definitely started better. In the last 24 hours Derek had managed to argue with both the women in his life. He didn't know why he was still surprised by that. There wasn't a day gone by the last 3 months he hadn't fought with one of them every day. Addison definitely tipped the scale with how often she fought with him but if he balanced the amount of fights with Addison with the amount of heartache the fights with Meredith caused him they were almost even.
Fighting with Addison had simply just become something he does. The stupidest part of all was he wouldn't really call what he did with Addison fighting, but he couldn't think of a better description of it. Addison would beg him to try harder; Addison would beg him to move into a house, Addison Addison Addison. No matter what she did or said his response was the same, irritated toleration. He hated feeling the way he did for her and their marriage, he hated how she betrayed him, he hated how embarrassing and pride destroying it was. But most of all he hated that it didn't rip his heart out.
Eleven years of marriage, eleven pretty content years together and it took him less then 2 months to fall in love with someone else.
What kind of man was he?
What kind of man does that?
He wished he could blame revenge and rebound on his rapid and intense feelings for Meredith, any reason at all would satisfy him, any other reason then his marriage was a sham, any reason that didn't mean he failed as a husband. Eleven years ago he was so sure he would be a good husband. Until these last 6 months he had thought he was madly in love with Addison when he proposed and wed her. Their relationship worked. They had grown up in the same circles, she studied and worked with him, it was the perfect solution to having a relationship and a career as a surgeon.
In the early years he loved passing her by in the corridors at work, looking forward to going home and being with his wife. He knew as the years passed he didn't look forward to going home like he used to. Work was always stressful and tiring but most of all he was stuck in a rut.
Every day the same, never anything new, Addison was a good woman and a good wife, but he'd recently and heartbreakingly realized he had someone else picked out for the love of his life.
I don't know what's wrong
I don't know what's right
But I can't stop hurting you
I can't stop hurting you
We talk so coolly about the pros and cons
I love you, I love you, I love you
I can't stop hurting you
I need to, I need to
I can't stop hurting you
I can't, I can't
I can't stop hurting you
It's getting bad; I don't know what to do
"Meredith's? You can not possibly be serious, Derek. Meredith's? "Addison stood before him hands on her hips, something about today reminded him of New York, of her in New York. He wondered what it was about her, while she ranted incessantly about his proposal to stay with Meredith. "Are you even listening to me Derek?" It was her hair, It was perfect, like is always was in New York, she was perfectly groomed. The hotel supplies definitely worked for her.
"Wait Addison, where are you going?" Derek finally spoke as she stepped into the busy elevator before them.
"So you can actually see me then?" Addison smarted as he pushed his way into the elevator beside her. Derek smiled half apologetically, and turned his attention to the numbers and lights above the door. Addison signed once again defeated, he wasn't going to fight with her about this, and he never fought about anything these days. One mistake, she made one error in judgement over a bottle of wine 6 months ago. I guess that meant she had to back down with every supposed fight they had. "We can't stay at Meredith's Derek. I can't stay at Meredith Grey's" Her voice softer and resolved.
"That's what I already told her" Derek spoke, his words meant to comfort but lately his tone was that dry Addison could never read him right. Her husband of eleven years and she couldn't read him. It broke her heart. "I never expected you to say yes. Its fine, I promised I would pass along the offer and now I have, so let's drop it"
"Did Meredith expect me to say yes?" The offer now fully dawning on her
"Why would Meredith offer to let you and ME stay at her house? Besides we have the hotel, I can pay for the hotel" Derek glanced over at her quickly and then reverted his eyes back to the door.
"Its not about the money Addison" his voice was laced with a mild hint of humour
"Derek is this yet another form of punishment you have thought up? Do you really want me to say yes to this? I don't know what you want from me" After 3 months of so-called trying on his part and heart wrenching trying on her part, she was at a loss of what to do to please him anymore.
"You remember the vows don't you? I expected at the least those from you" He shocked himself at his minor outburst; he hated how much pain he was putting her through. He knew he was only punishing her because of his own failures. "I'm sorry. Look this isn't me trying to hurt you. I don't want to stay a hotel, I hate hotels and I don't want to buy a house, I will eventually build a house but until then I don't want one. I hated my place in New-"
"Our place" Addison cut in,
"Right yes, our place. I hated it. It was so . . . New York! I won't be mad if we don't stay at Meredith's. I was just thinking on the way to work that it might be a good way of showing you I am trying" Now Addison was completely confused.
"How does staying at your ex-mistresses do that?" Her arms now folded subconsciously mimicking his stance, subconsciously trying to be as connected to him as possible.
She looked at me with eyes that cut right through me and said
"You must be blind
Let me tell you a little something about yourself
You're the hurtin' kind"
I must admit after the pain and fight
I've a sneaking suspicion that you might be right
"Meredith is a friend now, you know that" Addison nodded, she did know or she at least wished it was true.
She knew Derek was in love with Meredith long before he told her he was. She had simply been hoping for it to pass. She had fallen in love with Mark those months before Derek caught them in bed together. The month or so she spent with Mark when Derek left only cemented the fact that love can be fleeting. Mark turned her on in a way her husband never had. She felt loved and wanted in Marks arms, but after the tennis instructor and the numerous and nurses he cheated on her with, she realized he could fabricate those emotions. Even when life was hard with Derek he never lied to her. On the days he loved her deeply she felt it and on the days she was the last person he wanted to see she felt that too. She just wished she'd once felt he loved her over these last 3 months. Oh how she wished Meredith was as going to be fleeting too.
"If we spend the week at Meredith's, you will see that we are friends, we are all friends" He could see he wasn't convincing her and he wasn't sure why he was trying to convince her. Did he really believe spending a week with Meredith would help his marriage? "Meredith knows were my loyalty lies Addison. She is happy to have me and my wife as her lodgers" All Addison heard from his speech was, me and my wife. He hadn't called her his wife without it being bitterly in all these months.
The elevator door dinged open on Addison's floor, stepping out and turning to face him she smiled
"One week Derek Shepard"
"One week" He returned as the doors closed.
"You did WHAT?" Cristina gasped, losing all interest in the case chart in her hands
"I invited Derek and . . . and"
"Meredith when you can't even say the name of the woman he's married to, you DON'T invite them to stay at your house. Did you seriously take stupid pills for breakfast?"
"I don't know" Meredith slumped further down the wall behind her as she sat on one of the empty beds in the dark corridor. Cristina stared at her. Meredith had done many a stupid thing were Derek was concerned but this took the biscuit.
"Addison Montgomery Shepard living with you. Nope it doesn't sound less stupid out loud"
"Cristina could you please try and be supportive"
"What am I supposed to support Mer? Your inevitable demise into the dark side again? . . . No good can come from this"
Meredith sat in silence, she didn't know what to do or say. She had successfully ruined all her efforts to regain her pride
"There is no way Derek is getting her to say yes" Cristina offered, hoping to help
"I am such a screw up Cristina. I was only trying to help him"
"Your dark and twisty heart couldn't resist the thought of him living with you, you mean" Meredith looked over at Cristina fixing to tell her how wrong she was, but there were no words
"It's going to be fine" Cristina said with conviction
"Really?" Meredith mumbled
"No" Cristina said trying to pick her mood up with some Yang filled sarcasm. Meredith smiled and chuckled a little, Nudging Cristina slightly with her shoulder.
"You're meant to be my person. Isn't my person meant to make me feel better?"
"You should put a ad up on the bulletin board for a new person." Meredith now laughed whole heartedly "well maybe not"
"Dr Shepard you paged me" Meredith spoke entering Pete the vomit guy's room; she smiled sweetly over at Pete. Memories of his parting gift last night coming to mind.
"Ah yes Dr Grey, Could you get me Mr Timms CT results please" Derek asked her, his eyes never leaving the chart in his hand. How was he going to tell her Addison said yes.
"Certainly" Meredith smiled again at Pete and walked out of the room. She wanted to ask if there was anything else he needed. The quicker he told her he wasn't coming home with her tonight the better
As the doors began to close on the elevator Derek did what he found himself doing on a daily basis, he was running to catch it before she got away. Meredith moved to the back of the small space they shared. Ignoring her obvious want for him to keep his distance he couldn't help himself, he stood right beside her, his body betraying him again. His senses were intoxicated with the sweet smell of her. He could happily sit and list all the different scents that combine to make Meredith, Meredith. But right now he had to potentially rock their very shaky boat.
"Addison said thank you for letting us stay with you" his eyes bore into the floor, his heart tingeing slightly as she tensed up beside him.
"She said yes" Meredith asked, her throat was so tight she was afraid to swallow.
"Yes she was more then happy" Derek tried to joke, his eyes betraying the smile his lips were trying to show. "No seriously, she knows staying with you is better then at a hotel"
"You mean she knows how much you don't wanna stay in a hotel and she is doing anything you want to do" a smile finally reached his eyes.
"We are trying to make this work" he wasn't sure if he was telling her or himself.
Her eyes locked deeply on his eyes, the sharp blue of hers colliding with the chocolate deepness of his. They both didn't know when they had turned to face each other. But now they stood face to face, his breath coffee filled invading her senses. She loved the taste of his lips after a hot cup of coffee. Especially in the mornings when his aftershave and shower cream drowned her senses as he kissed her before leaving for work
"I have already said Derek. You wouldn't be you if you weren't trying"
"Would you have still fallen in love with me if I wasn't that guy" Derek's right hand now covered the top of her small arm, the heat of his skin burning through her scrubs.
"Derek we can't talk like this. What does it matter anyways, you're married. You are that guy?" Meredith moved from before him and stood as close to the door as she could, her heart beating rapidly against her chest
"Sometimes I wish I wasn't" His voice was drenched in regret and sorrow. Meredith had to fight every fibre of her being to remain with her back to him. Her eyes now filled with warm tears, the lump in her throat threatening to spill them down her cheeks.
"Derek" she wanted to say more, she wanted to tell him it'd all be ok, he would be ok. But anymore words would result is her losing even more of her pride.
"Would you still have loved me" He couldn't help himself, he had be torturing himself for months trying to be the man she fell in love with and it was killing him.
"I don't know" was all she could give him as a response. "But if you are living with me for the next week, you need to stop doing this Ok? You are married!"
"I am married and I am that guy" he ran his fingers through his messy curls
"I love that guy" Meredith muttered, hoping her didn't hear as she stepped out the elevator.
Derek needed to be on the same floor too but he couldn't bring himself to leave the elevator, as the doors closed again he wiped the one tear now residing on his cheek.
Theres
no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Of the
choices we are given its no choice at all
The proof is in the
fire
You touch before it moves away
But you must always know
how long to stay and when to go
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