Kincaid's intel had panned out and two days later, after a successful raid on the hole in the wall bar where they'd found Gordowsky, the team had all agreed to head to Molly's. Jay was initially surprised Erin had said she'd go, she'd found many convenient excuses for dipping out early on these things, if she came at all. He felt bad knowing it had a lot to do with his presence there.

His heart ached at the hurt he was causing them both, but that pain was precisely why he couldn't be with her right now. She'd seen enough ugliness in her life, been let down and leaned on by enough people, since they'd first partnered together he'd promised himself he'd be the person she got to lean on for a change, even if it wore him out.

Erin had certainly tested the strength of that dedication before. During her downward spiral, he'd questioned if he could handle all that came along with loving her. It wasn't until he'd really had her back that he'd realized; she was the only person he really knew how to love. They were both broken in different ways; that was true. But somehow, the parts they were missing from themselves seemed to match up and when things were good…God damn were they good. It was because they weren't missing the same pieces, they could fill in the ones the other needed.

One night, when they were tangled up in the throws of desire and cotton sheets, he'd told her that theory. He wasn't sure if her face was flush just from the passion they'd shared or the vulnerability they'd both felt at his assertion. She'd kissed him, deeper than ever before then, in silent agreement. "Like a puzzle..." She'd murmured into the nape of his neck, before her lips had returned to his and their exploits in the sheets turned from one of lustful indulgence to intense; soul-binding love making. Afterwards when they'd lain in their bed, basked in the soft glow of streetlamps emanating from past the curtains, they'd agreed it had been the most intense thing either of them had experienced.

Jay had never really fancied himself a writer. It was part of the reason he was struggling so much with this letter. Each time he'd sat down to work on it, he'd become suddenly plagued with so many ideas that translated to so little. Or, like now, he'd get lost in a memory of her and find himself instead sketching a puzzle piece onto the paper. He balled up his most recent attempt and scooted it to the side with the others. While the rest of the crew had headed to Molly's he ducked out and headed back to Will's, shooting Atwater a text to tell him that Will had called and something had come up so he needed to head home. He felt bad lying, but, he'd had more important things on his mind than watching a drunken Ruzek challenge Atwater to another arm wrestling match when it always ended the same way, no matter how many shots the he tried to ply his formidable opponent with.

Will and Nina had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, in an attempt to salvage what they had. Nina had not really been taking it well how close Will and Natalie had been these past few months and this was how the older Halstead planned to fix things. That meant Jay finally had some time to really sit down and write this thing, uninterrupted. Which was good, because part of the whole exercise was that he was supposed to give it to her and then be able to share how it went in group later that week. After putting it off so long, he'd only given himself a couple of days to write, deliver, and hopefully discuss the contents of the letter.

Maybe he'd exaggerated a little when he told Erin he'd made three dozen attempts at this but there were at least eight failed tries sitting to his left. One of the guys in the group had been a braver man then he and had asked Mark, the counselor who lead their sessions, exactly what to write. He'd given some cryptic message about how once they started, it would just come out. So far, that hadn't been true for Jay, but admittedly he'd taken a pretty guarded approach to it. It didn't help that he hadn't had much privacy since moving in with Will and Nina and spent most of his time at the district or clocking overtime in uniform to keep himself focused.

Deciding he needed to loosen up before sacrificing anymore trees to his less than impressive attempts at this letter he moved to the kitchen to grab a couple beers and bag of pretzels before returning to the couch. Before he'd attempt to start pouring himself into this thing, he could use some liquid inspiration. He downed the first bottle quickly and then leaned back against the couch. As usual, visions of her in flashes of different memories came to him as he tried to find the words to put to paper.

He nursed his second beer a little longer than the first, but he still got up for another before sitting down to write. Vowing that no matter what he couldn't take a sip of this one until he'd written something other than a greeting on the top of the page, which was the only progress he'd really made on this sheet of paper in the past hour and change, he picked up the pen again. "Just fucking do it dude." He muttered to himself. And somehow, that seemed to be exactly what he needed to tell himself for the words to start to flow.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since he'd started but beer number three remained untouched (and consequently now lukewarm) and he now had six pages filled with all sorts of things he didn't even realize he needed to get off his chest. As he signed his name at the bottom of the last page, he felt such a sense of relief that when he looked down, he found several wet splotches on the page that he'd come to realize were from the tears that were currently springing from his eyes.

They weren't tears of sadness, or even pain. More like ones of clemency, or absolution. As if for the first time since becoming a ranger, he'd finally let go of some of the weight that had been pressing down on his chest and subsequently – his heart.

He wanted to bring it to her now. He'd half considered running all the way to Molly's right now to bring it to her, but he wasn't even sure if she was there and he didn't think that was necessarily the most appropriate setting for delivering the single most real and earnest thing he'd ever give her. Give them both, really.

He hadn't even comprehended that he'd left Will's apartment until he found himself outside of his and Erin's once (still?) shared apartment building. It was like the journey from there to here had happened without his knowledge. Either way, he found himself standing in front of their once mutual front door and he was suddenly at a loss for whether to knock or simply use this key. Keeping in mind that she was fully trained with her gun and one of the best shots in the unit, he decided not to take his chances on startling her and knocked lightly at the door once. After a couple moments passed with no answer, he wondered if his first attempt had been too delicate and he rapped against the wood once more, this time louder, but not quite to the point he knocked when they were chasing down a lead. When again there was no answer, he almost turned to leave, but then he was struck with brilliance.

He dug the keys from his pocket and slid his into the door, it opened briskly and he walked in. "Erin?" he called out, his voice hoarse from not using it the last few hours, and probably from the crying as well, if he was being forthright about it. When he heard nothing but silence in response to her calling her name, he knew she wasn't home. It felt strange and violating being here without her and without her knowing. He dared not disturb anything. He folded the stack of papers in half and used a pen from the counter to scrawl her name across one side before depositing it on the counter. He gave himself a minute to survey their place, and to take a deep breath of that intoxicatingly familiar smell of home that this place gave him. Maybe it was because it smelled like her. He resisted the suddenly overwhelming urge to just crawl into their bed and wait for her, hoping she'd be happy to find him there. Somewhere inside, he knew she would, but that wasn't how he wanted this to play out.

He'd brooded too long there in their room, staring at the sheets that had covered them both in many an intimate foray, that he was only drawn from his memories by the sound of keys in the lock and then the obvious realization that the door was already unlocked. Shit. He hadn't meant to stay more than a minute to drop off the letter but as his eyes narrowed in on the alarm clock on her side of the bed, he realized he'd been there for over 45 minutes.

Knowing that she'd probably already drawn her sidearm he immediately made his presence known as the door creaked open. "Hey, it's me!" He said loudly, putting his hands up in surrender, making sure she knew it was just him and not some impending threat.

"Jay?" Was her response, her words coated with relief at first and then her expression seemed a mix of sheer confusion, excitement, and a bit of nervousness as well. "What are you…?" But truth be told, it honestly didn't matter why. He was here. That's all that mattered. It took very tempered restraint on her part to not just run to him, throw her arms around him, and shower him with love and affection. He had come here, he had come to her, she needed to let him do what he needed. Erin noticed right away, the far away look in his eyes, he was here but also not. She knew the feeling all too well, she'd been many places she'd never been at all. To her, that made sense. "You good?" She asked softly, moving towards him just a step.

Her question seemed to bring him back to reality slightly and the far off look left his eyes and instead, he looked at her, really looked. "I don't know how I ended up here to be honest." He just started talking, the way he'd just started writing earlier. In similar fashion, the words just seemed to come. "I guess I do know why, it's because I needed to be home. So I came here and not because here is home…well it is. But here is only home because….you." He took strides towards her now and closed the space between them. She showed no restraint and had soon closed any remaining area between them, their hands finding familiar places to rest on each other's bodies. Her's had found the slight curves at his hips while his had moved to her face, one side cupping her cheek as he had earlier that week, the other at her neck, drawing her chin up, causing her eyes to cast up to his.

Neither of them needed to speak right away. Kissing didn't even seem intimate enough to satisfy their need to just see into one another right now. They stood, looking into each other. Erin was taken aback when she watched warm tears slip from his eyes. The very sight was enough to break her. But instead of breaking, it gave her some sort of strength. She stood up on her tiptoes, her soft pouty lips pressing loving kissed over the tears, erasing them. His hands moved to her back, drawing her closer as he buried his face into her neck, his body wracking with sobs now. She was sure not even air could exist between them now. Somehow she moved them to the couch and as their legs hit the soft fabric, he'd crumpled against her.

There was no telling how long they'd stayed like that. It was truly cathartic for them both. She'd never felt so needed before and rather than making her recoil in fear of getting too attached, it had empowered her to open her heart to him that much more. She would've sat there with him as long as he wanted, her hands tracing patterns on his back, or travelling lightly up his spine before they settled into his hair. Somewhere in between this repeated motion, he'd fallen asleep. She'd felt the bulk of his body as he'd given in to heavy eyelids and she found the weight of him against her oddly comforting. She stayed there for quite some time before deciding to wiggle out from under him, change out of the clothes she'd been in all day, and maybe then she'd whisper to him just enough to let her help him to their bed and then she'd join him.

Well that had certainly been her intention as she'd gone back towards the door to kick off her shoes. It was then that the stack of folded papers had caught her eye. Jay's letter….that was why he'd come over and it also provided a better insight on that far off look he'd had earlier. He had been somewhere else entirely before, now she was sure of it. It was amazing how your body could be in one place, but your mind could travel through time in space in mere seconds. She dared not get lost in her own far off thoughts and instead; she moved swiftly towards the paper treasure.

She'd contemplated waking him right then, asking if it was okay for her to read it now, but then…wasn't that why he'd brought it? He'd intended on leaving it for her, of that she was sure. Maybe he didn't want to be there when she'd read it. But then, maybe he didn't know what he'd want until the situation arose. Her curiosity won out and before she could give another thought to discussing it with him first, she'd plucked the papers from the counter and headed off to the sanctuary of their bedroom. Somehow she knew she needed to be alone to read this. She knew if nothing else, the shaking of her body with the tears she was sure were bound to come, would've woken him. The dark circles in his eyes showed the heavy burden he'd been carrying alone, he needed the sleep.

She didn't bother to close the door and she flopped down on her stomach, drawing up the first page, ready to consume it as though it were the only sustenance she'd ever need. As she read, the words consumed her in a similar fashion as they had done to him when he'd written them. Her heart could barely take it when she'd squinted to read through the smudged ink on the back only to realize they'd been born of tears; his tears. She fought the urge to run out to the living room and cradle him into her arms again. She needed more time with the letter before she disturbed his slumber. She slid up from her stomach and propped herself up against the headboard with a couple pillows before diving in again.

Mine,

I have been sitting here trying to figure out where to start and as I finally write now, I realize it doesn't matter where I start. This is you. I could make no sense in any of the things I say right now and still, somehow, you'll understand. That's why I love you. That's why I love us. It's always been us. Even when we weren't who we are now.

I wish you could've met Jay Halstead. I know, that sounds crazy but come with me for a second with this. I wish you could've met the old Jay. Before the Rangers. When my biggest problems were why Valerie Santoni only seemed to want to hang out with me when Will was visiting from college. I was a different guy then. That Jay had a mother. A dad that hadn't gone full asshole yet. And even an older brother I admired, though it's your life on the line if you ever share that piece with him. That Jay had never taken a life. That Jay hadn't seen what this Jay has. Sounds stupid referring to myself in the third person, but I think you know better than anyone what I mean. I kind of wish the guy I was could see me now, tell me what he thinks.

A lot of things about being in the rangers messed me up. Is it fucked up to say that it wasn't even the killing I did that got to me. It was the killing around me. Friends, kids Erin….18….19 year olds kids. Kids that would be there one morning in the mess hall eating breakfast and cracking jokes about screwing each others moms and sisters back in the states even when we knew they were all virgins….and then seeing them come back dead or sometimes worse – left limbless from an IED. I know it may sound crazy to say that would be worse than dying but to some of these guys…it really was. Little kids too Erin – civillians. We'd raid buildings and then the shooting would start and it's war…there will always be unfair side effects to it, I knew that….but it becomes hard to live with yourself when you find the body of a 12 year old girl hiding in a corner, riddled with bullets and you pull her back to check her pulse and find the body of her five year old brother underneath, his tattered clothing soaked with both of their blood. It fucks you up. It haunts you. Because you can't be quite sure where your bullets land in those moments and you start to see that you can't help but become a monster, even if you're doing it in the name of patriotism.

How did that lead to Abby? I wish I knew. I think it was more that all the things I saw and did over there started to add up. It was hard to see the difference between reality and nightmares sometimes because for months on end, we lived in a constant loop where you didn't know where the nightmare ended and being awake began. It all felt the same. Empty and devoid of everything but pain and gore and death. And watching guys who are tough and strong lose their minds. Lose everything. Sometimes, even take it from themselves. So you drink and it goes away and you know it's temporary so you drink more until the reason you don't wake up from the nightmare is because you live in a constant haze of not facing reality. You know that place because you've been there before…..after Nadi…..a and I can only imagine all the other times from what you've been through. Maybe we met in that place before the rest of us found each other.

Abby happened because I wanted something real. Mom was gone. Will was off giving fuck all about me. Dad was….dad. I wanted the pain to be gone. Drinking numbed it. Sex gave the illusion of some sort of happiness…a sense of release. She understood on some level more than other girls who I knew or picked up at bars. We were all in Vegas…..seemed like a great idea after a few rounds of absinthe and who knows what else. After a certain point you don't taste anything but the fact that you don't have to think anymore.

I remember waking up the next day. I realized what I'd done and I can't lie….I got in the shower and I cried. I cried thinking of my Mom….and how disappointed she'd have been with where I was now. How I'd so casually taken a vow that I knew I had no intention of keeping with Abby….a girl who I barely knew and knew very well all at once. We'd both agreed we were idiots and had the papers drawn up. I'd sign the annulment immediately and sent it to her before I left Vegas….assumed it was filed and moved on with my life. I didn't so much as think of her at all after. Kind of makes me feel like a dick to realize that now. I wonder how she dealt with any of it. Maybe that's why she never signed the papers….to punish me for being an insensitive dick about things. I just….never spoke to her. Even when she reached out and she did….a lot. She even tracked down Will and got him to call me when we hadn't spoken in over a year. I got good at losing her trail and eventually she stopped trying. Until she'd shown up those weeks ago, I hadn't even given her or our…..wedding a thought in years.

I lost myself in a series of meaningless hook ups keeping friends at bay until the academy. I found a different way to channel my pain, use my skills, find myself. Find you. My heart. My soul. My air. My everything. The only thing. You saved me from myself when I thought I didn't need saving. When I thought I was the one saving you. But that's how you always are I guess. You reach out to people a little and you leave this lasting impression on them forever. You did it to Hank. You can tell when he looks at you, you are his proudest achievement.

I guess I've said what I needed for now…there's more but I could fill books with all the stories I've locked away in here. I'm ready to come back to you if you'll have me. I'm ready to be there forever. Will helped me get a lawyer who basically forced Abby's hand. The papers are signed and filed now, it's done now, for real.

There are times when I look at you and it is soul stirring just how remarkable you are. I know I am not always a romantic or the type to articulate just how important you are to me and how much I love you. But know that I think it every single time my eyes find yours across a crowded room, or when your hands brush against mine in passing and absolutely light me on fire. You came into my life and you made my heart beat again. You gave me a reason to get up and go to work. You gave me a reason to work through my shit. You gave me a reason to want to, no screw that an actual need to be better because fucking hell Erin you deserve the goddamn world. I can't give it to you, I know that. But fuck do I promise to try.

Love,

Yours

Erin must've read those pages a hundred times before sleep had finally come for her too. She'd managed the piece of mind to drag herself out to the couch first and though she made no attempt to wake up, she slipped herself right under him again. He readjusted himself to her new found presence and for the first time she'd he'd packed his bag and headed to Will's; they'd both found restful sleep.