The Legend of Zelda and All Those Other Girls Too

Chapter Two: Here Comes the Groom

Link walked swiftly alongside Zora's River as he tried to figure out the best course of action. King Zora had a relatively clever plan, which amazed Link because he'd always assumed King Zora to be more of a figurehead than an active ruler, and now it was up to the Hero of Time to carry it out. Link could have easily just killed Ruto, but he figured saving the whole world only earned him the right to perform one murder of his choice and he didn't want to waste it in case Mido decided to ever talk to him in the wrong tone again. Of course, Link hated every tone of Mido's voice, so it was in all likelihood going to occur.

As thoughts of a decapitated Mido bleeding at his feet faded away Link suddenly realized the perfect answer to his problem and whipped out the Ocarina of Time. With this magical relic he could warp around Hyrule and retrieve a fiance in no time!

Yeah, he still had the Ocarina of Time even though his had given it to Zelda in the future.

How?

Time paradox.

That or he stole it from the castle in this time during his last visit because he missed it. What was he supposed to play all his magic songs on? The FAIRY Ocarina? Link couldn't even remember where he'd gotten that worthless piece of...

Oh, right. From Saria.

...

"Saria!"

Link quickly played the individual primary notes for the Minuet of Forest, then played it again in the actual song form.

'Why do I always do that instead of just playing the whole song right away?' Link mused as he placed the ocarina away and a group of green lights enveloped him, transporting him to his desired location.

Link reappeared in the Sacred Forest Meadow, just outside the Forest Temple he conquered as an adult but was never likely to actually enter in this current time line.

'Gotta stop thinking about the weird after-effects of time travel. It's starting to give me a headache.'

After rubbing his noggin and clearing his mind the soon to be ex-bachelor set back on his original task: To find his childhood friend Saria.

Link turned around to face the stump Saria always sat on, playing her ocarina, to find... an empty stump.

"Oh great," Link complained out loud. "For once she's not here. Now I have to walk all the way to the Kokiri Forest."

An exasperated Link turned and traveled through the Lost Woods once again on his way to his childhood home. After accidentally going to Goron City... twice... Link finally managed to find the correct exit.

"Stupid forest. A guy could probably end up in another dimension if he traveled around in there long enough."

Shaking off the clearly ridiculous thought that Link had just voiced he set his sights once more upon finding Saria. He jumped down to the main level and considered asking Mido where she was, but then decided to save enjoying his one murder for when he had more time to enjoy it.

Spying Fado walking along the main path Link called out to her and walked over.

"Hey, Fado," he said casually. "Where's Saria?"

"I just saw her leaving the shop. She probably went back to her spot at the Sacred Forest Meadow."

After suppressing his urge to use up his one murder right then and there (Which was completely unofficial and only in Link's mind), he asked a rather obvious question.

"Why didn't I see her on my way here from there, then?"

"Well, did you get lost?"

Fado would eventually get over Link's reaction to his own stupidity, after a few therapy sessions, but for now she just stared wide-eyed at the shock of what she'd just seen and heard as Link played the Minuet of Forest once more.

"Okay, here we go," Link said to himself as he arrived in the Meadow again. He eagerly turned around to see... an empty stump.

Luckily Fado was no where nearby this time.

"Great, now I gotta go look for her in the forest. I don't have a moment to spare."

Link once again set out into the Lost Woods, now far more confident in his ability to navigate it, and once again ended up in Goron City.

"DARN IT! The entrance has a huge stone archway! How do I keep missing that?"

While Link was busy yelling at himself, and the nearby Gorons were busy inching away from him slowly, his brain finally caught up to what Navi could have annoyingly, but appropriately, informed him of a long time ago.

"Wait. I can use Saria's Song to ask her where she is."

...

"Darn it, Navi! You stated the obvious so much that I've forgotten how to think of it on my own!"

Link angrily walked back into the Lost Woods as he played his friend's magic tune.

"Hi Link! It's great to hear from you again," Saria's voice called from within the Fairy Ocarina.

"Yeah, uh, listen. Where are you right now?"

"I'm in the Sacred Forest Meadow of course."

'Of course...'

"Okay, I'll be right over," Link sighed as he began to play the transportation song once more.

'If only I had waited.'

Finally Link turned to see his green-haired friend smiling up at him, and finally he could do what he'd set out to do what felt like hours ago.

"Please?"

"No."

"Pllleeeaaassseee?

"No!"

"PLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSEEEEEE?"

"NO!"

Link had an uncomfortable feeling that this might not be his first case of deja vu before he found a fiance.

"Come on, Saria! I need you to do this for me! Why won't you be my fiance?"

"Link, you're a Hylian and I'm a Kokiri."

"What, are you a racist?"

"You'll grow old and I won't."

"Any guy would kill for a girl who won't get old on him."

"There's no marriage ceremony for the Kokiri people."

"But there is for Hylians!"

"And I don't love you that way. I'm sorry, Link."

Saria looked away as she said this. Link was her best friend and she could only imagine that he had obviously developed intimate feelings for her if he was asking her to marry him. Unfortunately she didn't feel the same way, and couldn't bear to look into his eyes as she broke his heart.

Of course, Link's heart had little to do with what he was doing here.

"I'm not in love with you either."

"What?" she asked, quite surprised. "Then why?"

"I need a fiance to get out of marrying the Hammerhead."

"Huh?"

Link quickly explained his unavoidable but unwanted engagement to Princess Ruto. He also apologized for the Hammerhead bit, stating that he had yet to come up with an appropriate insult name for her to replace Genetic Mutation and was just testing some out.

"Link, that's horrible! You're going to marry someone just to avoid someone else? You risked ruining your oldest friendship over this?"

"That's the beautiful part!" Link replied, sure of his own brilliance. "You'll never get older and the Kokiri can't marry! Just come with me to Zora's Domain and promise to marry me when we both grow up! You'll never fulfill that requirement and voila: we have our loophole! No one has to get married and Ruto stays off my back! And my front."

Incorrectly sure of his own brilliance, that is.

SLAP!

Link felt slightly discouraged after being hit quite hard by his best friend, but decided to press his luck anyway.

"So, is that a no?"

POW!

Link sighed as he walked out of the nearby Fairy's Fountain where he had recovered from the heavy beating Saria had just inflicted on him.

"What does she mean I'm insensitive? I explained my plan, didn't I?"

Still not used to not always having Navi with him, Link failed to realize he was talking to himself.

"I can't play with girl's feelings like that? What's that supposed to mean?" he muttered as he pulled out his ocarina once more. "Well, if I can't have a loophole engagement to get out of this then I should at least try for a good deal with this wife thing."

Link was fairly certain that none of the other Kokiri girls would want to marry him since they had spent more time spitting on him then actually talking to him over the course of his life, so he played the Prelude of Light and was whisked off to the Temple of Time.

'If I have to have a wife then I may as well have a rich one.'

Link stepped out of the Temple of Time and into the market. Night had fallen and Link figured Zelda might think a midnight visit would be romantic or some other garbage like that. He walked up to the guards blocking the way to the castle, dropped a bomb in between them, and leisurely strolled up the path after the two ducked for cover.

Link was walking on the cliff side path that led to castle after climbing the foolishly uncut vines when he heard the guard below talking to his watch partner.

"Did you just hear an explosion?"

Ignoring this and continuing his super-stealthy walk to the castle Link got through the gates, around the moat, and through the crawlspace. From here it was some simple maze walking to the courtyard where Zelda always spent her free time.

Of course it was very late, so Zelda was not in the courtyard but fast asleep in her room, as any idiot could have deduced.

"Shut up!" Link said to apparently no one.

"Stop that!" he said again to thin air. Clearly the stress of both girls not being where he wanted them to be had affected his mental health.

"I'm not crazy!" he called again as if some voice in his head were insulting him.

"Oh fine, I give up."

Good. Now, the fool...

"CUT IT OUT!"

...uh, the young hero...

"That's better."

...walked over to the side of the courtyard and sat down in some tall grass. He figured he'd just wait for Zelda to come by in the morning, with four days left before the Mer-monster figured out his scam.

'Nah, that one's not right either.'

Several hours later Link awoke to the sight of several spear heads pointing at his face. As any fool could have figured out, the guards would check the courtyard in the morning and find him there sleeping.

"Would you stop with that already?"

The guards took Link's words to be addressed to them and not some voice in the poor boy's head, so they immediately took offence. Luckily Zelda was coming in just now and rescued the young hero, sending the guards away.

"It's nice to see you again, Link."

"Yeah, you too," Link said, though in his mind he would have been much happier to not have to see Zelda's oddly-shaped facial structure again. Luckily he could stand the thought of marrying her since he knew she'd eventually develop in to an actual feminine looking woman.

"Why did you come here, Link? Oh, right! To give it back."

Link quickly thought of every possible explanation he could come up with for what the princess could mean by that, but after a few seconds Link's blank panicky stare was starting to creep her out.

"Uh, Link?"

"OF COURSE!" Link yelled, slamming a fist in to an open hand in triumph. Unfortunately his tendency to speak private thoughts out loud, this time with great force, had frightened Zelda considerably and she now cowered behind a nearby tree, which incidentally was new to the garden and must have been planted recently.

"Uh..." Link said quietly as Zelda poked her head out to look at him. He grasped his magical instrument and held it out.

"I just meant, of course I remembered to return the Ocarina of Time to you," he offered. Link figured returning the royal family's treasure would ensure him a shot at Zelda's hand in marriage. Not to mention that she owed him one. Or was it that he owed her one?

'Arrgh! Stupid time-travel headaches!'

Zelda finally made it over to Link after stepping slowly and cautiously back towards him and took the ocarina in her hands.

"Thank you, Link. Is there anything I can do for you now?"

"Actually, yes," Link started, then remembered that Saria had gotten upset when he clearly spelled out his plan to get rid of the sea cow...

'Hmm. That one's not bad.'

...so he decided to just pretend he actually wanted to marry the future queen.

"Zelda," he started as he got down on one knee. The princess' eyes opened very wide at this action, and she raised the hand Link had not taken hold of to cover her opening mouth.

"When we grow up," Link raised his head to look the tool of his escape from Butt-to...

'Nah, that's no good.'

...straight in the eyes before he popped the inevitable question.

"Will you marry me?"