A/N I know the first two chapters have been heavily centered on Ricky, Emily, and Rusty, but please be assured Andy and Sharon will make their appearance in the next chapter.
How did it go?" Rusty glanced up from his computer screen when his brother and sister entered the condo. Ricky shook his head negatively and Emily's eyes welled with tears. "That bad, huh?"
"Our father can be a real asshole," Ricky said. Emily nodded in agreement and made her way to the kitchen to grab a glass and a bottle of Perrier from the refrigerator. She sliced a lemon to drop in the sparkling water then leaned against the bar, looking out over the dining room and living room. Ricky followed her, only he grabbed a beer and drank it straight from the bottle.
"What are you doing?" He asked leaning in beside her.
"Just comparing this place to Dad's. God, I hate going over there. It's so depressing."
"Mm…It is pretty small." Ricky agreed. Their father's credit was shit; the only reason he even had the small apartment he was living in was because he'd been able to convince their Uncle Phil to co-sign his lease after their mother had refused.
"It's not just that it's small. My apartment in New York is a postage stamp, but Dad's? It's just empty. No character." There was nothing that spoke of Jack Raydor in that apartment, nothing to show what interested him, what he loved, not even his favorite colors. The walls were white, the furniture bland, and the drapes generic. It had the temporary feel of a man used to living in hotels. A man who knew he probably wouldn't be there for long.
Her mother's condo was the complete opposite. The minute you walked in you could feel Sharon Raydor. It was tasteful and elegant yet also warm and inviting. Expensive but not ostentatious. Right away, it was apparent that a cultured woman who valued the arts and the finer things lived there. It was in the dance artwork that graced her walls and the exquisitely lovely sculptures on her shelves and tables. It was in her many stylish vases and mirrors, and the large art books sitting on her coffee table.
It was in her kitchen where colorful tea sets in ruby red and eggplant and big ceramic mugs in turquoise and pumpkin spoke of a woman who loved tea, coffee, and deep rich colors.
It was in the dining room where her deep roots in the justice system were displayed with cool black and white vintage prints of true 1940's LA crime stories, while plush comfortable chairs surrounding the dining room table and a classic dark wood wine rack storing her best bottles of vintage wine were indicative of a woman who enjoyed spending time over meals with family and friends.
It was in the living room, which was all about softness and warmth, feminine without being frilly. Light carpets over dark wood floors, furniture in shades of burnt orange and dark chocolate brown with colorful accent pillows adding a touch of whimsy. Overhead lighting was rarely used; instead, elegant lamps gave off a soft glow, fresh flowers and plants bringing a homey feel to the rooms and to the outdoor balcony overlooking the hills of Los Feliz. The world her mother inhabited during the day was harsh and often violent; it was no wonder that when she came home she wanted to be surrounded by softness, comfort, and serenity.
With a soft sigh, she took another sip of her sparkling water, and then pushed back off the bar. "I need to get moving. I have to finish packing and get down to Costa Mesa." She poured the ice from her glass into the sink then put the glass in the dishwasher before heading off toward her mother and Andy's bedroom where she had spent the night.
Rusty watched her walk away in silence. He could see that she was hurting and he damned Jack for that. He knew exactly what it was like to worry about every little thing you did or said possibly causing your parent to go on a bender, what it felt like to carry the weight of that responsibility even when you knew intellectually that it was not your burden to carry. He knew what it was like to have a parent who manipulated you and made you feel guilty for every opportunity you had, every bit of happiness you had when it went against what they wanted or needed. To have a parent who constantly disappointed you, crushing whatever hope or belief you had in them. Sharon Beck and Jack Raydor had a lot in common.
"So you did end up having to threaten him." It wasn't a question. Rusty knew how things had gone down by Emily's dejected walk down that hall.
"Yep." Ricky joined him on the couch and stretched out his long legs to prop them on the coffee table. Something he would have thought twice about doing if his mother had been home. "It sucks that he made us do that. For once in his sorry, pathetic life, it would have been nice for him to just do the right thing. I don't think I'll ever understand that man."
"Be glad you don't." People like Jack, selfish, addicted, untrustworthy, manipulative and neglectful were all Rusty had known in his life until he'd come to live with Sharon. For Emily and Ricky, raised by Sharon, surrounded by good, decent, trustful people, their father was an aberration, a person they couldn't understand. For him, it was Sharon and all his pseudo uncles at the PAB who had been the aberrations. It had taken him a very long time, and he still wasn't completely there yet, to understand and believe that there were actually people out there who only cared about his well-being, without expecting anything else in return.
"Em's taking it pretty hard. I think she really believed that when he came back into our lives again a couple years ago things were going to be different. That maybe this time he really had changed. Like that's ever going to happen. People don't change."
Rusty gave him a long measured look. "Yes, they do," he said softly. "But they have to be open to change and ready for a change."
Ricky's brow raised in surprised, Rusty was usually the cynical one in the bunch. "Dr. Joe?"
"Nope. Andy. People can change, Ricky. Look at Andy. Look at me."
Ricky took a long pull from his bottle, eyeing his younger brother. There had been a time he'd allowed Jack to manipulate him into believing that Rusty was a con artist playing on his mother's heartstrings to get what he wanted. He was still ashamed of the things he'd said to her in an effort to convince her not to adopt Rusty. "You know what? You're right. Sorry. I'm just pissed. But…" He picked up the manila folder he'd set down beside him on the couch and waved it in front of Rusty. "I also got what I went there for and that's all I really care about."
"So, that's it? Now Mom and Andy can get married in the church?"
"Not exactly. There is a whole process to this thing. Father Stan explained it all to Emily and me yesterday when we picked up the papers. Mom has to sign the petition to declare the nullity of the marriage, which I have right here. She has to send that in with a filled out questionnaire, written testimony about the marriage and a list of witnesses. If the petition is accepted then the formal process begins."
"What kind of process?"
"She'll have to go through the Church tribunal, which is basically a Catholic Church court with the Bishop as the judge. They'll investigate and question witnesses. Mom will have an advocate to plead her case and the church will have a representative that will argue for the validity of the marriage. Father Stan said things would be a lot quicker and easier if we could get Dad to co-sign the petition because he won't be arguing the case with his own advocate."
"So, he could have contested Mom's petition?"
"Yes, and that could have drawn things out for years. We made sure that wouldn't happen today."
"I didn't think it was going to be that hard. I thought if Jack signed the papers that would pretty much be it. This sounds like it could take a long time."
"It used to take a lot longer. They've streamlined it all over the past few years and, as I said, without Dad contesting, it should go a lot faster. "
"What if she doesn't win?"
"She can appeal."
Rusty shook his head. "It seems like an awful lot to go through just so she can get married in the church. They could get married anywhere. Why is the church so important to Mom anyway? I mean I know she goes to mass a lot, but I don't go to church, do you?"
"I'm an Easter Catholic. Look, it's not about us. It's about Mom. You gotta understand. The church was there for her. It was her support system when we were growing up. You see this," he gestured to encompass the expensive condo. "But there was a time we didn't have this. I was too young to remember when my Dad walked out but I know the church and the parishioners took Mom under their wing and helped her with daycare and after-school programs and with our school tuition. We didn't have any family in California so the church became our family, especially once Em and I were at St. Joes. We were always going to church picnics and suppers; it was a place where we belonged."
"Gram and Gramps are rich. Why didn't they help her out?"
"Yeah, there was no way Mom was going to ask them for help. You know how stubborn she is. She doesn't like to ask anyone for help, especially when it comes to Gram and Gramps and Dad."
"Why?" Technically, though he didn't share their last name, he was a Raydor, but he still didn't know all the family dynamics.
"Gram and Gramps didn't want her to marry Dad, or, at the least they wanted her to wait until after she finished law school to get married. Mom didn't listen to them. She married him as soon as she graduated and, well, as you probably know, things didn't quite work out like she planned. I think she was embarrassed about that and didn't want them to know how bad things were. She was always glossing it over with them. But, when Dad left the second time, along with her savings and our college funds, Gramps flew out and between him, Mom and Gavin they straightened things out financially. That's when she got the legal separation. I heard her tell Aunt Christine once that Dad was her cross to bear. She made her bed and now she had to lie in it. You know how big she is about taking responsibility for your mistakes."
"That isn't fair. She couldn't know how Jack would turn out. She isn't responsible for his mistakes."
"We all know that. I think now, she does too. Anyway, once she got back on her feet, she started being able to give back and help others. I know she donates a lot of money to St. Joe's scholarship fund for other parents struggling with tuition and she donates her time at the battered women's shelter and doling out food for the homeless."
"Yeah, she's had me go with her to help out a few times." The first time Sharon brought him to LA Catholic Worker Soup Kitchen, the kindness and lack of judgment in the people working there had been eye-opening. For so long he'd avoided finding help in places like that, ashamed of what he'd been doing, afraid of judgment, and most of all afraid they would contact DCS and he'd end up in back in foster care. Life would have been a lot easier if he'd accepted their help.
Ricky nodded. "She used to bring Em and me too. The charitable side of the church is really important to her and that's the way she raised us. I may not get to church every Sunday but I still help out with a local mission when I can. The church has always been Mom's moral compass. When I was a kid griping about having to go to mass, I used to ask her why she liked going to church and she always said that the traditions and rituals of the mass give her comfort and peace. It centers her. I think maybe she needs that even more with the job she has."
"I still hate that she's going to have to go through all this."
"Me too. Father Stan warned us that it isn't going to be easy. These things tend to dredge up a lot of painful memories. So, we're going to have to be there for her. Emily and I are going to be relying on you to call us and let us know if you see things are getting tough."
"Yeah. Of course." The fact that he was the sibling closest to their mother, even if only due to proximity as the only sibling still living at home, still felt strange at times. Especially on a day like today when he was feeling a bit like an outsider. He was more than happy not to be Jack's child, one addicted parent was more than enough, but when his brother and sister had gone off to their father's apartment, it had only served to remind him that Sharon and her biological children had a whole history of which he was not a part. They shared a bond that he could never fully understand.
"I hope that by getting Dad to sign the papers we are able to make it a little easier for her."
"Now we just have to hope that Nicole comes through."
Emily sat heavily on the edge of her mother's bed; well technically, it was her mother and Andy's bed now. Emotionally and physically, she felt drained. When she'd arrived yesterday, it was the first time she'd been in the room since Andy moved in a few months ago, though there were only a few changes that she could discern; The rack in the walk-in closet now holding his suits, dress shirts, ties, and suspenders, the row of male dress shoes, loafers and sneakers and the new dresser on the right side of the bedroom with pictures of his daughter and her family, his parents and the surprising one of her mother wearing a low cut, cleavage-revealing red dress smiling flirtatiously at the camera. It was a picture she had never seen before. When she brought it out to ask Rusty about it, he said that Andy had brought it from his house and that it had been taken in a photo booth at Nicole's wedding reception. Andy also said that she was smiling at him when the photo was taken. If that was the case, there had definitely been a spark between them long before they were officially dating. Her mother was sending out some seriously playful, sexy vibes in that look.
With a sigh, she leaned back and rubbed at a headache that was starting in her temples. Tension. That meeting with her father was something she had been dreading from the moment she, Ricky, Rusty, and Nicole had come together with the plan to make sure their parents got their annulments. While Ricky had been very sure of their actions, she was more conflicted, worried about upsetting their mother and setting off their father. Now, she was very glad she had gone along with the plan. Whatever questions she'd had about whether getting involved was the right thing to do or not had been quickly answered. Jack's combative response had shown them quite clearly that he would never have simply given his consent to the nullification of the marriage. So, in that, they achieved their goal.
But there had been a price.
Ricky tried to warn her that it was going to go down the way that it had but, stupid naïve little fool that she was, she held out hope, as she always did, that her father might turn out to be a better person than he was. In actuality, he was worse. During her childhood, she had seen him mean and aggressively on the offense like that with her mother occasionally-usually about his drinking, but never with her and Ricky. Mom would never have tolerated that and in any case, he was usually on the defensive with them, trying to apologize, making excuses and promising to do better by them. All of it complete bullshit.
Confronting her father with the pain he'd inflicted on her and on their family had been surprisingly cathartic. It was a relief to release some of that repressed anger and pain. Still, it bothered her; it really bothered her that he hadn't agreed to sign the papers because it was the right thing to do, because he needed to make amends, or even because he owed them. Even after Ricky damn near bared his soul about what it was like to transition from a little boy to a man without having a father to help him, he hadn't budged. It was the first time she had ever really heard her brother's perspective on not having a father during adolescence. Ricky wasn't the kind of person to dwell on his feelings; things just seemed to roll off his back. Apparently, that wasn't completely the case. Today she learned that her brother was harboring some very deep seeded resentment. Today she learned that despite whatever loss she felt at not having a father in her life, she was actually the lucky one.
Growing up she had a loving, attentive mother to help her navigate the transition from little girl to young woman, a mother who had gone through all those same changes and who could anticipate what kinds of questions and fears she might have and could understand everything she was going through. She couldn't imagine what it would have been like not to have a mother to explain to her how her body was changing and to assure her that everything she was going through was perfectly normal.
Her mother had guided her through the physical and emotional aspects of menstruation, assuring her that it was nothing to be embarrassed about, that she too hadn't started her period until she was 13, and yes, of course, she could still go swimming. She was the voice of experience when discussing the various types of hygiene products. She was there with open arms the day she came home from school having stained her khakis because her period had come early, understanding the need she had to cry out her mortification. She knew what to do when the cramps hit, advising a heating pad some ibuprofen and a cup of chamomile tea.
Her mother had taken her shopping for her first training bra, laughing with her over what exactly their boobs were training for and letting her pick out the pretty pink and lavender ones with the bows. Her mother was there to teach her how to use a curling iron and a straight iron, how to put on makeup and shave her legs and even how to use a tampon. The value of learning those things from someone who loved her, someone who had been through it all, experienced it all and understood how she was feeling was something she had taken for granted. Not anymore. Because of their father's selfishness, Ricky's adolescence was an entirely different experience from hers.
And rather than feeling bad about everything, rather than doing what his kids were asking of him as a way of trying to make things right, Jack's unresponsiveness to their pain and their calls to his better angels had forced them into blackmail.
Sign the papers or never see them again.
That was what had done it. He'd finally signed the papers only because he didn't want to die alone. Oh, and because he couldn't stand the thought of Andy Flynn being his future grandchildren's only grandfather. It was always about him, what he wanted and needed. It had never been about them and it never would be. Her mother once said that a relationship with Jack was always going to be on his terms and she had to decide whether she was able to live with that or not or he would just continue to make her miserable. Well, today, she and Ricky changed that dynamic. The relationship was on their terms now. But at what cost?
Her eyes swimming with tears, Emily reached blindly into the top drawer of mother's nightstand to grab a tissue. Padding around inside, she had to remove a couple of bottles to get to the tissue box. Pulling out a few sheets, she wiped at her eyes and blew her nose, vowing to stop letting her father get to her. She had to accept who he was and all he was capable of giving if she was going to be able to move on and keep him even on the periphery of her life. With that resolution and her eyes now cleared of tears, she turned to put everything back in the drawer, grabbed one of the bottles, and froze. A wave of heat immediately rose in her face as she read the label on the small clear bottle…
Uberlube.
Oh dear God, she had just grabbed her mother and Andy's lube. Dropping it back in the drawer like a hot potato, she eyed the other blue bottle sitting on the table both hesitant and a little curious to see what was in it. Lifting it like it might bite; she turned it around to read, 'Euphoria, organic sensual warming massage oil.' Yeah, that was no better. Andy might not have a huge presence in the condo at the moment but he was definitely present in her mother's bed. She dropped the bottle in with the other and rose with a shudder, trying not to envision the kinds of things that her mother and her lover were doing in that bed or to dwell on the fact that at the moment, her mother had a sexier private life than she did.
It's not like she wasn't aware that her mother now had an active sex life, she just finished spending several days sharing a suite with her and Andy-the two being nearly caught in the act by little Scotty- but it was something she was still in the process of getting used to.
Her father hadn't lived with them since she was 7 years old and if her mother had dated after her legal separation, she never brought a man home to meet her and Ricky. When she was 13 or 14 she overheard a rumor that her mother was seeing Ricky's pee wee football coach and that when she broke things off with him he retaliated by not playing Ricky, even though he'd always been a starter. Rumor had it that she showed up at the next practice, waited until all the kids were gone to the locker rooms then laid into the guy with the fearsome wrath of a lioness protecting her cub. Ricky not only played in the next game, he was a starter again. Whatever the truth of the matter, nothing ever came of the relationship and that was really all she'd ever heard when it came to her mother and men. She wasn't naïve enough though to think that her mother had been celibate for the 20 years between her father and Andy, no matter what her brothers wanted to think. She was a beautiful, vital woman and once Emily had become a teenager, she had been able to recognize the way men looked at her for what it was.
As a little girl, she was proud of having such a beautiful mother. But by the time she became a gawky teen with a dancers chest and braces, that pride turned into something else entirely. The day she caught a boy she had a massive crush on ogling her mother's legs only to be told, "I can't help it; your mom is a babe, a real MILF, and I'm not the only guy who thinks so," it had played on every insecurity she had about herself and released a wave of suppressed emotion. She lashed out at her bewildered mother accusing her of turning on the sex appeal when in fact, she was wearing the same slim-fitting pencil skirt and stiletto's she always wore to work. Somehow, that only made it worse. Her mother didn't even have to try.
Her friends thought she was so lucky having such a pretty, stylish mom but she didn't feel so lucky, at least not then. Like most teenage girls she was filled with angst over her looks and body image and having a beautiful mother in her face every day didn't help with that at all. Back then, she actually envied the girls with plain, plump and frumpy mothers, as they wouldn't come up lacking in comparison the way she always felt around her mother. But that was a long time ago. Before she'd come into her own, as her mother had always insisted she would, and grown confident in her own looks and body.
Still, whatever her mother's appeal, until Andy she never openly dated a man so Emily never really thought too much about her sex life or lack thereof.
Rusty was the one who brought it to her attention. A little bubble of laughter started in her chest as she remembered the phone call she'd gotten from her youngest brother who was all in a dither. Their mother had been dating Andy for a little while and evidently, the relationship was moving into one of greater intimacy. She'd thought it only fair and courteous to warn Rusty that there were going to be times when Andy would be spending the night. She didn't want him to be shocked or taken by surprise to see him coming out of her bedroom or to find him in the shower or sitting at the dining room table in his pajamas. Rusty was so appalled by the very idea of them sleeping together, not because he didn't like Andy, but because, "I don't want Andy doing THAT to my mother! ", she burst into laughter, which only frustrated him more. It had taken her several minutes to pull him off the sex train and look beyond the coitus, to quote Sheldon Lee Cooper, to see what was really happening. Their mother's relationship with Andy was progressing. It was becoming deeper and more serious and that was a good thing.
Still smiling at the memory, Emily forced herself to rise and start packing the few things she had taken out of her suitcase after traveling across the country. Walking by her mother's dresser, she paused and took a moment to look at the pictures she had on display. They were the same pictures she'd seen dozens of times, at least a few of them, but with the conversation at her father's still fresh in her mind, painful childhood memories drawn back to the surface, she now looked at them with a new perspective.
Lifting one of the pictures, she gazed down taking it all in as if for the first time. Her mother was standing at the 50-yard line on a football field wearing an oversized St. Joseph's Cougars football jersey, number 12. Towering over her all rigged out in his shoulder pads and Cougar's uniform, matching number 12, Ricky had his arm around her and was handing her a single rose. It was senior night, his last home football game, a chance for the players to thank their parents, only in this case it was just his mom, alone, but smiling with pride.
Had she ever really taken the time to notice just how alone her mother had been over the years? Of course, it was hard growing up without a father. Of course, she and Ricky had suffered, but what about their mother? All those years as a wife without a husband.
Setting it back down, she reached for the picture next to it. She knew this one very well because she had a copy of it in her apartment in New York. Her mother was dressed more formally this time, her hair in an elegant up-do. Emily smiled, remembering the moment well. It was her first performance with ABT at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York City. Her mother was smiling from ear to ear as she handed her a huge bouquet of red roses. Though she'd sent an invitation, her father had not attended. In fact, he had yet to see her dance professionally. He promised to go down and see her in Costa Mesa but she wasn't holding her breath
The third photo was her mother and Rusty, arms wrapped around each other's waists. Mom was beaming, Rusty smiling shyly. It was the day of his adoption and the condo was filled with people there to celebrate. In the back, just off her mother's shoulder, she could see a bit of Andy Flynn smiling toward the mother and her new son. That's where he'd been at that time, just on the outside of her life, close the circle but not quite in.
Just to the right of the three pictures of her kids was a large 5X7 of Andy. The last time she visited that picture had been on the nightstand beside the bed, probably so it was the last thing her mother saw before she went to sleep. Now with Andy having moved in, she had the real thing by her side every night, which was probably why she had moved the picture to place amongst the family photos. It was a close-up. He was wearing a black t-shirt, a denim jacket, and a little grin. Andy really was a very good-looking man. And, honestly, what woman could ever resist a man with a devilish twinkle in his eye? It was no wonder he had caught her mother's attention. The first time she saw the picture and commented on it her mom said she had taken it on a night she and Andy had driven out to the desert to watch a meteor shower. She also said, with an affectionate smile, that it was her favorite picture of him, which was another reason why she probably hadn't put it away.
In the last picture, her mother was no longer alone. She was in Andy Flynn's arms. He'd finally made it to the middle of the circle, no longer hanging off in the background waiting to be let in. He was wearing a plaid flannel shirt in various shades of blue and black while her mother wore a light blue cashmere turtleneck sweater. It was uncanny how often their clothes matched. They were standing in Griffith Park, surrounded by greenery. Her mother's arms were locked around Andy's torso, her head resting against his shoulder, while his arm was closed protectively around her pulling her in as if to hold her closer, his cheek brushing against the top of her head. They looked so happy.
Setting it back down, Emily felt her chest filling with warmth. As awful as it had been to see her father's true colors, the end result was worth it. After everything her mother had done and sacrificed for her and Ricky over the years, it felt good, really, really good, finally to be able to do something for her for a change. It wasn't going to be easy, there were still a lot of hurdles to be crossed, but her mom was going to finally get her happily ever after and it lifted her heart to know that in some small way, she was a part of that.
Now, she could only hope that when her mother found out what they had done, she would understand.
TBC
