I'm not going back.

How many times do I have to say that before this batty ship of mine lets it go?

Rose doesn't want to come with me. She wants to stay on Earth with her cowardly boyfriend and her mother, who will throw herself at any male that looks at her just a moment too long.

I set the controls to random and land in Southampton on 30 May 1911. Upon stepping outside, I look up to the very top of the Titanic and sigh.

I will never admit it verbally, but I feel I need to do anything and everything I possibly can to redeem myself for what I have done. I never will do enough, though, because there is no coming back from the atrocity in my recent past, but I'll be damned if I don't spend the rest of my lives trying to make up for it.

Again, I never will.

What happened with the Titanic is a fixed point in time, merely being here is making my stomach feel sick. I know I cannot interfere, but if I can save even one person...

The Daniels family are the only ones who believe me. It will have to be enough, though it kills me to leave without being able to save anyone else. To do too much else, though, would be catastrophic.

Following the Titanic, I landed at President Kennedy's assassination on 22 November 1963 and the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883.

I'm beginning to think I need to take the controls off of random flight.

There seems to be a running theme in today's adventures and that would be death. Over 1,500 on the Titanic (most of which were undocumented persons history would never know about), the obvious at the assassination of a US president, 36,000+ during the Krakatoa debacle and I wasn't allowed to save any of them. It's too much too soon after...

I just want to sleep, but the TARDIS is nagging me about the blond I met in London. She wants me to go back for her.

She didn't want to come. I asked and she said no. I can't kidnap her. That's not my style.

She's insistent. I've never seen her this way before. Oh, she's been bad at times, yeah, but it was nothing like this. She keeps telling me it's important that I go back, that the girl I met will change my life, but I'm not going to put myself out there once more and risk being rejected all over again.

She seemed sure she wanted to stay. Why would I go back?

If I didn't know better, I'd think she's arguing with me. Throwing a tantrum, too. I know she's getting joy out of snapping my fingers and body parts with electricity anytime I get too close to the console. Her hum every time is as gleeful as I've ever heard it.

I just don't understand what's so special about some little human I stumbled upon. Why is it so important she come with us?

She's scolding me now. I can practically feel her disapproval deep within my very being. Add to that the fact she wasn't letting me input any information at all, not even to get us into the vortex, and I can admit my curiosity is peeked.

Fine. I don't understand why she's so important, but I'll go back and ask again.

As I reach for the door, it occurs to me I never told the blonde that the TARDIS also travels in time.

Rose runs onboard seconds later and I feel a strange contentment settle over me.

No matter what the TARDIS says, it's not a date. Unless Rose thinks it is, but wait. No, she has a boyfriend, doesn't she? Right, yes. It's not a date.

Maybe some other time, though, because the way she kept her head during our first adventure stirred more than my interest. She was astounding and didn't even seem to be aware of it.

Now I know why the TARDIS wanted her onboard so badly.

Besides being fantastic, her smile chases away my sadness for a time and when she holds onto my hand like it is the only thing keeping her grounded, I feel powerful; it feels like I can do anything and save anyone if only to see her giving me that smile I never see directed at anyone else, if only to feel her small hand squeeze mine in excitement.

Our second adventure is definitely a date, but I will never tell her that. She takes it all in stride like the wondrous being she is.

I'll admit it's a little... uncomfortable... not being able to see her timeline, but it's also a relief. When I'm in her presence, I can just be without having to consciously push aside timelines just to hold a conversation. True, it's easier now than it was when I first learned to see timelines, but it still sometimes steals my entire attention.

With Rose, I don't have to try. I can just enjoy her for however long I have her, which I suspect won't be all that long. Timelines being unreadable don't mean I can't sense she is going to be a very important person one day and I know that means more than just to me. One day, she will need to go home and continue on with her future, but until then, I plan to enjoy her company in any way I can.

Even if that means I'm only ever her best friend, because I can already tell she's going to be worth it.