Hi, guys I'm so incredibly sorry for how long this took. I just made my transition to college and it was a crazy stressful time but I'm all situated and hopefully will be able to update more. Cyber sugar cookies to: suitelifeforver9, larasxvii95, BigTImeRush-BTR, and the two guests that reviewed and a huge thanks to anyone else who had enough faith in this story to follow/favorite it.
Without further ado: onward, Midgaurdians!
I stared at the pale green of my comforter, suitcase in hand, wishing I could remain in the comfort and safety of my room forever. The sun shined through my window, seemingly mocking me.
"Autumn, if we don't leave now we'll miss our flight!" My dad's voice sounded from down the stairs. I briefly debated locking my door and laying on my bed for the next three hours, but I quickly dismissed that as childish. With one last forlorn sweep across my sanctuary, I gripped my luggage tighter and took the first step that would ultimately change my life.
I looked out at the cloud wonderland currently outside my plane window. They reflected the bright sun, creating a blinding and captivating moment. I gently pressed my fingers against the hard Plexiglas and let out a quiet breath. Even though they were inanimate objects, I was suddenly jealous of the clouds. They didn't have the pressures of family and overwhelming desire to run away and never look back. They could float as the wind took them and feel no regrets.
"Please make sure all seatbelts are fastened and trays in the upright, locked position. Your stewardess will be around to collect any trash you still may have. We will begin our decent into Los Angeles shortly." The crackly voice of our captain informed us, breaking me out of my trance. I blinked and shook my head. My father looked up briefly from his book, clearly uninterested in what the pilot had to say.
A sudden panic took hold of my body. The true weight of the situation finally dawned upon me and I felt ready to throw up. In a few short hours I would be face-to-face with the ones who broke all their promises; the ones who, when I reached out, turned their backs and acted as though I didn't exist; the ones who hated me for a choice I made and decided to punish me every day for it.
"It was your fault. If you had chosen differently, none of this would have happened." The voice in my head mocked. I looked down at my forearms, tears springing into my eyes. I angrily brushed them away and yanked down the long sleeves of my shirt. My dad caught sight of that, and set down his book, concern in his eyes.
"Autumn, is everything ok?" He asked gently. I felt like laughing, asking him what he thought, because he was the reason I was on this suffocating plane, about to face my biggest fear. I wanted to tell him my therapist sucked, and this trip could be the thing to set me over the edge again.
"I'm fine," I muttered while crossing my arms over my chest. He opened his mouth, wanting to say more, but closed it a few seconds later. I settled back into my seat and let my emotions fade away in the 15 minutes it took for the plane to land.
"Dad, are you sure you know where we're going?" Bodies rammed into me. I gripped my luggage tighter and tried to push forward. "I don't see Mom anywhere."
"This is where she told us to meet… I'm almost positive."
Spotting an open bench, I plowed my way toward it. I plopped down and reached up to fix my hair, knowing it was slightly disheveled. My dad sat down next to me, his phone pressed to his ear.
"That's where we are, Jen- no, we're sitting on a bench… It's a little impossible to do that- wait, I found you!" He exclaimed as he started to frantically wave his hand. I ducked out of the way and just barely missed getting whacked in the head. Out of nowhere, a pair of arms had swept me up and were squeezing the life out of me. I let out a squeak of surprise.
"Oh my goodness, Autumn, honey, look at how old you've gotten! You're so tall and so beautiful!" My mother remarked.
"Hi, Mom," I managed to choke out, my body immobile from the crushing hug. She let go and I took a desperate breath of air.
"I'm so excited to have both of you here! It's been how long? Nine years? Of course I've gotten Christmas cards but this is completely different." She beamed and at that I felt emotional. I hadn't had a mother in nine years.
"We're very excited to be here." My dad replied warmly.
"Well, let's get everything loaded into the van, and then we'll get home and have dinner. The boys got released from the studio early today, so they'll be home too see you!" She eagerly informed us. At that news, my stomach flipped and the nauseousness returned. My dad took notice and gently rubbed my back before pushing me one more step closer to the place i dreaded.
I stood outside the apartment door, about ready to pass out. My mom fumbled around with her keys. I could hear screams from the inside and something that sounded like a foosball table. As my mom turned the lock, all sounds vanished except the erratic beating of my heart. I took in a shaky breath as the door swung open, revealing the source of all my anxiety. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and I had the fear they were going to suddenly give out. My mom walked through the door, a huge smile on her face. My dad urged me forward and I took a hesitant step into the large apartment before me.
"Welcome home," my mom said.
Upon her words, a loud scoff was hear across the room. I followed its direction to find four angry-looking boys. Kendall looked right at me, his eyes livid. I shrunk back, willing myself to push all emotions aside to spare the embarrassment of crying.
I could hear people talking but I wasn't paying attention. I stared at the ground and tried to focus on the scuff marks rather than the hatred seeping off of my brother and his friends. I focused on their odd shape and color, and before too long, I could feel the blessed numbness creep back in.
Out of nowhere, a little pair of arms wrapped around my body, breaking my focus. I look up to see a tiny, teenage girl staring at me excitedly. Surprise took over my body and I stood there for a few seconds, not quite knowing what to do. I hadn't expected any kind of affection from my siblings.
"Autumn, it's been so long!" Katie said happily. At her words, an unfamiliar warmth spread through me, and I gently squeezed back, a slight smile on my face.
"It really has been, Katie-cat," I remarked softly. She pulled away and one look into her big, brown brought back years of memories. I stepped back, pain returning to my body, which I promptly tried to swallow down.
"Ken, I was thinking you could sleep on the extra bed in my room," my mom started. "and James could move into Kendall's room so Autumn could stay there." Upon her words, I could hear protesting. I turned to look and my heart nearly stopped. There, not 20 feet from me, was one of the boys I hadn't seen since I was 11, and he looked nothing like I remembered him. Normally, I had more self respect than to gawk at an attractive boy, but for some reason I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away. I was acutely aware of the white-knuckled grip I had on my suitcase, but nothing else seemed to register. Words were being spoken, but I heard none of them.
All of a sudden, hazel eyes met mine, and for a split second, showed surprise before turning to a fiery contempt, effectively knocking me out of my state. I let my eyes fall back to the ground, resorting to my usual numb tactics. Feeling nothing was easier than feeling everything.
"-she can take it, but if I find a single thing out of place, there will be hell to pay,"
My mom gave a tight smile and thanked James. He rolled his eyes before walking away, obviously not pleased. I felt guilty. I knew if it was me, I wouldn't want to give up my room to someone I hated.
"Mom, I can sleep on the couch, it's ok," I spoke up.
"Or in the hallway," I heard Kendall mutter. My mom shot him a glare.
"No, you deserve to have a bed." She paused, getting teary-eyed, instantly making me uncomfortable. "You deserve so much…"
An awkward silence hung in the room as we stared at her.
"This is going to be a fun trip," I thought sarcastically.
Dinner rolled around, and unease pooled in my stomach. After two hours of James making it known he was not pleased and the guys throwing glares my way, I was in desperate need of alone time. I felt like a stranger to the people I had known since my birth.
I took a seat in between my dad and Katie, praying for some sort of emotional release. Food was passed around, and for the first five minutes, my wish was granted. My parents chattered away happily while the guys seemed content enough to ignore my presence. I took small bites of my food, relishing in the lack of tension.
"So, Autumn," my mom turned to me. "what are your plans for the rest of the summer?"
I set my fork down and blinked a few times. "Um, honestly I don't think much of anything. Band camp starts up in about a month and a half, and that turns into a big time commitment until school starts. Since I'm an officer, I have to be there even more." As soon as I finished a snicker was heard across the table. I whipped my head around to find Kendall laughing and shaking his head.
"What's so funny?" Katie asked with confusion.
"She makes it seem like band is something important and worthwhile," Kendall mocked. The other guys started to laugh. I felt a flicker of anger, but I tried to push it down.
"Actually, it is. We do enough work to be counted as a gym credit-" I was cut off by hysterical laughter. I looked to my dad desperately.
"A gym credit?" My brother managed to gasp out. "Marching band is where the socially-awkward, unattractive, losers go. It takes no talent, and shouldn't be considered work." With that, a fire ripped through me. I stood up, knocking my chair over.
"NO TALENT?! You're the one who has no talent! Big Time Rush has yet to place in the top 20 charts and you've been around how long? Your music is full of corny lyrics and artificial sounds."
"At least we know how to make music and actually entertain people!"
"Oh yeah, 12 year-old girls-"
"THAT IS ENOUGH FROM BOTH OF YOU!" The entire room went silent. "Now, I want both of you to apologize to each other," my mom commanded. My hands balled into fists and I unwillingly looked up to meet Kendall's gaze. His green eyes matched mine to a tee.
"Sorry," I muttered. My dad rubbed my back as I let my head fall back down.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry that your lack of talent has lead you to be jealous and hateful of me and you've turned into a huge bitch."
The last thing I remembered was my dad trying to restrain me from jumping across the table before blinding rage took over.
"Autumn, what the hell were you thinking?" My dad groaned in frustration. I picked at the unusually bright orange threads of the couch.
"I wasn't," I muttered.
"Yeah, obviously you weren't," he ran his hands through his hair before falling down next to me. "You know what Dr. Jackson would have told you to do-"
"Dr. Jackson doesn't know what he's doing. He shouldn't have his doctorate."
"That's not fair-"
"Kendall was just as guilty as me. Why isn't he getting lectured?" I felt annoyed. Sure, he hadn't tried to strangle me and knock over everything on the dinner table, but he had been rude and problematic.
"Your mom is talking to him now." I laughed inwardly, knowing it was nothing compared to what I had just received from my dad. Being practically his only child made for heavy criticism of my errors."Now, I want you to go into his room and give him a real apology."
I stared at him, my mouth wide open. My brother blatantly offended me and I was expected to interact with him again? I wanted to scream and was inwardly beating myself up. "You just had to get upset, didn't you?" My dad sent me a look that clearly said "don't argue with me, young lady". I pushed myself up, pressing my lips together, before slowly journeying over to the last place I wanted to be. Reaching his door, I hesitated before knocking lightly. I could head rustling and five seconds later the door swung open to reveal a very annoyed and angry Kendall.
"What the hell do you want?" He snapped. I took in a breath, not wanting to do this, but knowing I had to.
"Listen, I came to apologi-"
"Listen, I'm going to say what I've been thinking for the past few hours: leave me and all the guys alone for however long you're here. We want nothing to do with you and would greatly appreciate it if stayed out of our way. For all I'm concerned, you're not my sister anymore, so I don't have to treat you like one." He finished and slammed the door in my face. I stepped back, confusion and hurt taking hold of my body. His last sentence rang in my mind. I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes and I angrily wiped them away.
I retreated to my temporary room. My safe haven. Nothing could hurt me here. I threw myself on the large bed, ignoring the wonderful smell of the sheets. Kendall's last words kept playing through my mind. My emotions began to overwhelm my body. I clutched at my hair and pulled, trying to find some release from the pain. My throat felt like it was being squeezed and my head pounded. Everything was too much for me to deal with. I desperately needed something to take away my emotions.
A sob racked my body. I clutched my arms and kicked my suitcase, sending the front pocket contents tumbling out. I groaned at bent down to pick them up. I started shoving them all back in angrily before picking up my last item: my razor. I stopped, desire urging me on. My grip tightened.
"There are other options. This shouldn't be one. You know what happened the last time." I stared at my forearm.
"-you're not my sister anymore-" my brother's voice echoed in my head.
"Fuck it," I muttered before prying an individual blade loose. The shine of the metal made me comfortable again, like it was an old friend. I rolled up my left sleeve with a shaky hand, the old scars seeming to welcome me back. I went to press down and froze.
"Is this really what you want?"
"Of course it is. You heard your brother: you're just an ugly band kid that has no talent. Do you even have somebody who cares enough about you to stop you right now? No. Not even your family would care. Do it."
I felt tears stream down my face. With one swift motion, I pulled the blade across my pale skin, red instantly oozing out. I let out a sigh of relief, feeling the emotions drain away. I dragged it twice more, effectively adding three more little red lines.
I slumped back and stared at my little blade in wonder. Before too long, the realization of what I did dawned upon me and I inhaled sharply. Two years of therapy was supposed to break me of this. Feeling disgusted with myself, I shoved my sleeve back down and threw the sharp piece of metal back into my suitcase. I put my head in my shaky hand and whispered "Nobody will ever know."
Wow, ok done! I'm so, so, so sorry again for how long this took. I promise the next one will be quicker! Oh, did you notice I did a little line copying from the first episode? Bonus points to you if you can find it! (Hint: Autumn says it!) Until then, please don't be shy! I absolutely love reviews and talking to new people! (I don't really have friends on here… Would it be too much to ask for you to love me?) I love you all!
